Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

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How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

Oh dear. I do this to dh. He is so incredibly slow though it drives me to distraction.

Omg i read it as she does speed walking regularly
No wonder i thought it was odd!
I can see i am not the only one

But that's you. It's not important to you to share the moment.

If it had been and your husband just bombed off then would you have been so breezy about it.

Newsflash, different things are important to different people.

No one needs to ‘grow up’ in order to pretend your rude behaviour doesn’t exist. It’s rude to go somewhere as part of a group and then fuck off ahead and expect whoever is left behind to follow you like a dog. Maybe try having some consideration for others or just go on your own. You see how you told your husband to walk ahead, he didn’t just leave you behind, because he actually considers you.

It’s just rude. My dh and adult dd do this to me too. I’m often left walking far behind with Ds aged 11, we walk at the same pace. I understand it’s frustrating to force yourself to walk slower but it’s just good manners to walk at the pace of the slowest member of your group. If someone went walking with someone with mobility issues (which I have, to be fair) you wouldn’t walk far ahead of them as it would just seem so cruel, it’s actually no different if they have mobility issues or not. It makes me so angry. There’s been a few times I’ve literally either sat down or walked off in the other direction.

Oh for goodness sake, talk about being desperate to miss the point to ‘win’ an argument.
OP wanted to them to do that tourist attraction together. A perfectly reasonable request that is easy for the family to accommodate. She is clear she’s upset at being left alone and behind.

And deriding that as a ‘Disney’ moment is exactly the mentality of her H. What you think of her wish is not the point. Whether her H thinks it’s important is not the point. The point is it’s important to her and is easy for her H to oblige. People in happy marriages to decent people, accommodate each other like that. People in miserable marriages to selfish arses deride each other’s perspectives and wishes with insults like ‘Disney’

Completely agree.

Nor should it be about "the expression on your loved ones faces" when they first behold this marvel. People are not performing seals and life is not an Instagram moment. I can't think of anything more likely to make a teenager walk fast than the thought that they were going to make or break the day depending on which facial expression they chose to adopt.

I do have to agree with others that the 'shared moment' thing does seem a bit over the top. You seem to have a lot invested in that, yet I wouldn't care less so maybe a bit of self-reflection needed there.

The walking ahead would do my head in

My DH has been doing this to me for 30+ years. He has various issues due to ND and childhood abuse and he’s really worked hard to overcome most of them, but this is a trait he can’t seem to shake. His brain works at a million miles an hour and he can never, ever just be in the moment and enjoy the going along; it’s always about getting to the next thing and the next thing and the next thing, not just physically but in life generally - I always say he’s going to ‘next thing’ our lives away until the next thing is his fucking coffin (or mine).

I’m a fast walker too but I still spend most of my time looking at the back of him accelerating away from me so I really do I sympathise with you, OP. I can put up with it normally but holidays are different, and we had an almost identical scenario this year (very special holiday in a country we’ve planned to visit for ages) which spoilt lots of attractions for me. He’d hammer through and then start texting ‘where are you?’ from outside, and he totally ruined an otherwise lovely afternoon by bombing away from me and jumping onto the transport back half an hour early, leaving no time to even look around!

It seems like a small thing but it’s exhausting and a bit depressing - I’d rather be on my own enjoying things at my own pace than constantly trying to keep up with someone who seems to give no shits if I’m there or not (he does care, but that’s def how it makes me feel). YADNBU.

My ex did this to me at Glastonbury! Worse still I was in a Mobility scooter and couldn’t get through the crowds without him to help me. Ironically he got in free as he was supposed to be my PA for the festival 🙄
It really put me off him as he used to be so chivalrous. Then he dumped me on my birthday a month later. Even the good guys are pricks. I’d take this as a sign, it’s not okay.

I was also wondering how they cope around disabled people who physically cannot walk / walk fast. I imagine if their partners ever became disabled they would have to get a grip and just walk a bit slower.

Painful? Fucking painful. Oh do be quiet. It's totally disrespectful and selfish, which has also also backed-up by ND posters , and as a parent of 2 ND DC I would not allow this degree of selfishness.

The OP doesn't seem like she would compromise? WTF do you get that from? She's upset & doing nothing wrong here. Are you justifying your own selfish behaviour in life? Honestly, some folk on this site.

See my post directly above - they don’t change.

My otherwise lovely dh nearly always does this - goes ahead at what I call his ‘route march’ pace. It’s not as if I amble - I go at normal walking pace. I see other couples walking together or hand in hand and sometimes it still upsets me - this has been going on for decades now. It’s particularly noticeable on public transport - charging ahead at stations/Underground.,

I’ve almost given up saying anything because it makes no difference - but I stopped going for walks with him during the first lockdown, because he’d invariably charge ahead - and then stop and wait for me with that nobly-very-patient expression. 🤬

I’ve noticed BTW that when we have a close woman friend staying, who walks at about the same pace as I do, he can somehow manage to adapt his pace to hers.
Dd1 is the same, always going at route-march pace.

Just because it wouldn't upset your DH doesn't mean its not upsetting.
However, next time, tell him it's important to you to see 'the thing' together, and ask him to walk at your pace for that occasion. Day to day, don't try to keep up. Just tell him that the walking issue is making you miserable and you'll meet him there and arrive in your own time. In a different world the person being slow could be accused of being controlling by always being late.

My DH is very very tall, I'm very very short so our walking pace is very different. Its a pain for us both actually but we compromise or just walk at different paces. I'm not walking faster than is comfortable to keep up, and I don't really expect him to walk slower than comfortable either. So on tours etc we tend to wander off and regroup as the day goes.

Well said, @Wambamcam
You can't possibly diagnose adhd from the op's posts either.

You have no idea why it was so important to her. People hold importance in different things. Maybe you should have your own bit of self reflection as to why you thought being a snarky, judgemental prick would help?

Sorry to say I do this. I get out of the car and off I go. I like to get going, walk at my own quite fast pace and feel a bit free. Then I turn around and wait for my DH who has been checking he's got everything, looking at phone messages, generally taking his time. Maybe I am a narcissist! He used to complain about it, but I know I'd only be hanging around waiting for him, then hurried past things, like attractive shop windows, that only interest me. We always meet up to share our thoughts and reactions in the end.

I once had a boyfriend who went all out to impress me by taking me to Prague for a weekend, booking us into a beautiful hotel- then blew the effect totally by walking 6 paces ahead of me the whole time. 🤦‍♀️

My dad used to do this on family walks when he was pissed off with us or my mum. He was and still is horrible.

Thank you OP. I thought it was just me.

My DH is exactly the same. Cannot walk at my pace apparently, even though my pace is too fast for most women. Will not wait and gets angry if I suggest that he might.

Every now and then I get sick of it and stop walking with him, but he walks obsessively every day and if I didn't go out with him sometimes, I'd never see him, but it's always the same every time I try and I usually end up on the edge of tears. There would be pleasure in a stroll and stopping to look at things, but he just cannot do it.

I suspect ADHD given some of his other behaviours. Either that or I have to face the uncomfortable fact that he is rude and uncaring.

When my DH does this I shout ‘walk with wife!’ and he comes back.

Hmm I'm in the minority who thinks you are making a bigger deal about his than it needs to be. Missing out on Witnessing a first reaction together of a landmark, brought you nearly to tears? Come on, that's a bit much.

I'm naturally a fast walker, I want to get where I'm going not piss about waiting for slow people. If the kids and your husband are moving at a fast pace then unless you have a mobility issue, keep up, simple really. Move with the majority if it's that important to you.

Also I don't think height has that much to do with it, I walk much faster than my husband who is over a foot taller than me and he's the one having to rush to keep up. Cardio is good for you.

Do you not think if OP could've kept up, she would have? Not everyone can move at the same pace.

Some people are just dawdlers though. It's nothing to do with physical ability. It's just personal preference.

OP isn't clear what category she falls in - she's just said her children have also started zooming ahead with their dad.

OP said her children were "virtually running" to keep up with her husband.

She doesn't say whether they're running to him from OP or whether they're constantly running to keep to his pace. There's a big difference - maybe they want to walk with their dad or are fed up with dawdling along with their mum?

Stop going with him, you're not seeing him anyway when he shoots off like a rocket. There's no pleasure in it for you and he doesn't care.