Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

[Gotthetshirt1]

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

God @Ridethewavesheadabovewater , one word answers? Insulting to imply you have nothing worthwhile to say. That must feel crushing. And yes part of the walking ahead thing when the kids are younger is the slower parent being expected to deal alone with whatever crops up while the parent out front just mozies on as they wish. What reaction do you get if you mention that this behaviour bothers you? Or has it worn you down to the point you tolerate it and avoid what you know will be confrontation? Im sorry this is happening to you.

If I question him I just get told I'm a bitch/mental/miserable/nag/he will make me pay all the bills.

@Gotthetshirt1 does your husband disrespect you in other ways? It's not just about someone being faster and walking ahead, it's a lack of respect and consideration of your feelings.

So yes, I now try not to speak and am subdued. However, I'm then a miserable bitch! I can't win. So I give up.

@NatashaDancing

It was your notion of something that had to happen to all of you at the exact same split second - except nobody apart from you was bothered. And you all got to see whatever it was.

We were visiting this place together, as a family. So yes i expected that wed experience it together, as a family, without this needing to be explicitly pointed out. Why else even bother going together? Please dont make out that this is an unreasonable expectation. I wasnt expecting fireworks and lights - i was expecting a shared moment. And there was one. I just deliberately wasnt included in it.

Men barging on ahead just reminds me of the Xbox games I play, where you have to say get through a town to meet some one.

There is a nice road to walk along but it's much more efficient to just run in straight path, barging any npc in the path out of the way.

There are some tales of some really horrific men on here aren't there? Upshot is, these men don't want to be part of family life, and they don't want to be with their wife/partner. They wish they were with someone else (their mates, or the golf course, or the footy.)

No-one behaves like this, fucking off ahead of the person they are with all the time, and ignoring them, if they care about them, and they want to be them.

I am gobsmacked that some posters are defending this behaviour. My DH has NEVER done this. I have had boyfriends in the past who did though. They didn't last long with me. So disrespectful and rude and nasty.

YANBU. It’s so rude and how typical that you were the one to organise the whole trip

OMG this has really hit home. My DH does this to me literally all the time. Went away to Italy a couple of years ago and he marched on ahead of me in the dark walking back to our hotel through an unknown city centre. On the 20 minute walk he never once looked back to check if I was there or not. Done it again this weekend because he was more interested in getting to the pub where we were meeting friends than walking/talking with me and his DD. Even my daughter (18) commented on it this time- think she is old enough now to start working him out sadly. I am very overweight and a slow walker but other people manage to walk with me. It's more that he shoots on ahead and doesn't even look back. Lots of other issues going on but this post made me realise that it isn't normal behaviour and that I'm done with making excuses for it

Disrespectful he should wait for you. My nans husband use to do this and she had mobility issues always made me feel uncomfortable and he was horrible

We were visiting this place together, as a family. So yes i expected that wed experience it together, as a family, without this needing to be explicitly pointed out. Why else even bother going together?

While it is very clear that your husband is a dick, did ou actually ask him and the children to wait for you so you could see this attraction together@Gotthetshirt1? Did they realise it was so special to you that no-one else could see it first?

It simply wouldn't have occurred to me to worry that DD or DH might see Niagara Falls/the Taj Mahal/Mount Fuji before me, and I wonder if that was your husband's thought process?

It wouldn't even occur to me that going to see this as a family means we all have to arrive at the exact same moment. Tbh if there were children who are old enough to be allowed safely to run on ahead I'd have expected them to do so.

You would still "experience it together, as a family".

Seriously ignore the serial posters that just like to be controversial or can't see that because something isn't important to them it might legitimately be important to other people.

The question you haven't really addressed is what you're going to do about it. Are you at least planning to tell the DC that it upsets you when they run off, so that you're not consistently on your own? It would be a good idea to ensure they're not as rude as your DH when they have their own families.

I'm not sure how you can change your husband's behaviour. If he doesn't listen when you say that something upsets you, then he's either incapable of caring for others or he doesn't respect you. That in no way means you're not worthy of respect. It's much more about him and his attitudes than about you.

Love the naked sense of superiority and self-importance of these ultra-fast walkers. While the rest of us are ‘pissing about’, ‘dawdling’ and ‘pootling’, they are majestically ‘cracking on with their day’.

You have to wonder what it is that is so important about rushing on to the next thing constantly. It certainly doesn’t seem to build empathy.

I’ve been on both sides. My DP walks fast and in the past I used to find myself lagging further and further behind and having to trot like a bloody pony every so often to catch up. That’s the reality of just walking a little faster, which seems to mystify don’t posters. I won’t do it now as it’s unpleasant undignified and I remind him when he starts storming off.

As a 20-something I was the one leaving my mum for dust as we tramped around a foreign city. I was there primarily to see somewhere new; she explained after a particularly hectic day of walking that actually it was spending time with me that she wanted and she’d like it if we could take it a bit easier and just enjoy being together. I felt chastened. Presumably the correct reaction for some posters would have been to sneer at her wanting to make ‘Disney moments’ and to tell her she was selfish and entitled for wanting to slow me down.

Why is the person walking faster presumed not to be walking at what is a normal pace for them? Why isn't the assumption not that the person walking slower not demonstrating the same control issues that are attributed to the faster walker?

When we traveled with elderly parents or a mobility impaired family member, we often took tour buses to a!low every to see the sights , but not to be made uncomfortable in doing so. We would often then go a second day without the elderly parents to some sights to allow others to experience the sights in a more mobile manner.

It is reasonable to ask both the faster and the slower walker to attempt to modify their pace. That is a reasonable compromise. Neither the faster nor the slower walker is entitled to set the pace for the entire group. Accommodations should be made for the elderly and the mobility impaired; beyond that everyone else regardless of their pace preference should be willing to compromise. It should not be assumed that it is any easier for the fast-paced walker to charge than for a slower paced walker , and neither should feel entitled to an automatic accommodation.

Break his kneecaps and then walk ahead of him? Seriously I think this is so rude. Stop doing things for them - no organising nice things etc until both he and your kids consider you

I've had a few (ex) friends who did this. I would say looking back, that they all had underlying mental health problems.

Yeah my ex did this and I’m a fast walker myself. I gradually came to realise (from a range of other things not the walking, which was just one symptom) he was emotionally and verbally abusive. I divorced him and it was like I was chopping him in half- as it turned out he was weirdly dependent on me being his foul mood conduit. But treated me like shit whilst with him. It’s part of a well known menu of behaviours. I’m not going to say ltb bc that’s up to you. But I did and boy am I happy and free after the years of bullshit. My dc were sadly damaged by his behaviour and I wish I’d left much earlier to have avoided that. My greatest regret.

@Mari9999 it sounds like you didnt read what i wrote. How can a person who is already walking quickly, almost breaking into a run to try to catch up, "compromise" here? He can slow down, i cant go any faster unless i literally keep sprinting.

So many people are missing the cause of the upset here which i thought id set out in my first post. Hes done this walk ahead stuff many times before - after repeatedly saying how it made me feel and he kept on doing it, i stopped asking him to walk alongside me day to day like a begging child because it became tedious to keep asking and to keep on being ignored. He is well aware of how it makes me feel.

This particular day it wasnt a regular walk or needing to dash somewhere in a hurry. We werent just walking to the store or back to our car. This was something wed all looked forward to for months as a joint activity. He turned and saw me just before they reached the viewpoint, because i called out hey wait for me. And he turned back and ploughed on. Its the lack of consideration that has really offended me - the walking is just how its manifested.

My husband walks slowly and it's annoying.

Hes done this walk ahead stuff many times before - after repeatedly saying how it made me feel and he kept on doing it, i stopped asking him to walk alongside me day to day like a begging child because it became tedious to keep asking and to keep on being ignored. He is well aware of how it makes me feel.
Yes, I find myself rolling my eyes at the innocence of the posters who think that all would be well if you just pointed his behaviour out to him.

It isn’t an analogy it is a statement that different people like different things. You may not like dining out but your family does so you do it occasionally for them. The rest of them may not care to see things together but she does. I don’t see why it is so hard to do something she likes that she admits is a once on a lifetime thing for her. Just because the others don’t see it as important doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it for OP. I thought relationships were give and take. We all have our little foibles and this is such an easy one to indulge.

Your comparison still makes no sense. The OP and her family all went to see whatever it was they went to see. It wasn't the case anyone in her family refused to go or prevented the OP going.

The OP's complaint is that the other members of her family were unaware OP wanted the first sight of whatever it was to be a "special family moment" where they would all see it together and she could see the looks on her children's faces. If that was so important to her perhaps she should have told them in advance as clearly her family didn't get that aspect- nor do several posters on here.

This was something we'd all looked forward to for months as a joint activity.

Can you try looking at it from someone else's point of view? You as a family were doing a joint activity. You all got to see whatever it was and presumably were impressed by whatever it was.

Several posters, (including RampantIvy who I always find very sensible and reasonable) have said it simply wouldn't have occurred to them that it was important that the family saw whatever it was at the exact same time. It would make no difference if there were a few minutes between them. If it was that important to you why not say so before you set off?

There may well be other issues with your husband's behaviour but fixating on this ruined special family moment seems irrational.

Op’s last post says she asked her husband to wait for her, he turned around (I.e. heard and understood the request, I presume) and went on regardless. So he knew what she wanted and he disregarded it.

Why is a minority of posters going to such great lengths to paint the op as unreasonable, mawkish and not taking into account others’ preferences? Why is hers the only point of view or preference that isn’t worthy of consideration?

It’s not strange to me that she’s ‘fixating’ on this. It sounds like she’s constantly trailing on her own when they’re out as a family, that her wishes are dismissed and this episode has crystallised her feelings about it. All very understandable to me.

Why, thank you @NatashaDancing