Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

[Gotthetshirt1]

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

I don’t think this is actually about walking quickly vs. Walking slowly. My Dad was a very fast walker and it meant that I’d get lost in crowds. He’d also do that thing where, once the other person arrived at “the thing”, he’d be pretty much ready to go.

I used to go out with someone who was sulky. When he was sulky he would walk really slowly (he was 6 ft 4, he could walk quickly when he wanted to). When I kept going at normal speed, he would then march past me.

There’s a mum at my children’s school who, when we are walking together, doesn’t make room for me on the pavement.

The OP feels like she missed out on something important to her because her husband didn’t accommodate her.

Rubbish, you’re not built differently to anyone else. I’m a faster walker, my dog now has arthritis and walks very slow, there’s no extreme effort on my part to slow down. I mean almost every single mother on the planet has managed it with their toddlers. Thinking you’re entitled to barge other people out of the way just because you can’t possibly be expected to slow down and consider others like OPs DH does, is incredibly arrogant.

@Mari9999 how do you want me to 'up my pace a bit' if im already almost breaking into a run? I cant walk any faster than my fastest walking pace - which keeps pace easily with most people. Dont you accept that people have different max pace? A faster walker can slow down. A slower walker cant speed up if theyre at max pace

My ex did that sitting in the car thing too

I was agreeing with you !

I intensely dislike men who don’t realise that in the normal scheme of things they will make more ground ( however fast you walk ) because the average man has LONGER LEGS. Of course he should slow down and walk at your pace. The last time a man did this to me ( work colleague ) I had a little sit down, meandered about a bit and made him fucking wait. Not that it would have helped you, OP, but maybe when it isn’t important sloooowwwww dowwwwn. Don’t speed up.

Maybe you can harness him to a trolley/sled of some sort and have him pull you along whilst you take in the sights in comfort!

In all seriousness, tell him you find it rude and disrespectful and that you won’t be going places with him anymore unless he can learn to consider others.

ExH did this. To keep up I would have had to half walk/ half jog. I'm not a slow walker, it's just that my legs were shorter. I talked to him about it many times, he never got it. One of the many reasons why we're now divorced.

4. Nowhere did i mention being obsessed with capturing perfect social media moments. I wanted to experience this together as a family - we were on a family holiday. Not for anyone else.

You said repeatedly it had spolied your perfect family moment. It's irrelevant whether you had social media in mind or not. It was your notion of something that had to happen to all of you at the exact same split second - except nobody apart from you was bothered. And you all got to see whatever it was.

You have a legitimate complaint if they all steamed on ahead and no one kept you company on the walk up, if you wanted company. If I were your husband I'd accept that as fair criticism. But if you then over egged it that the perfect family moment was ruined, I'd find that cloying and irritating.

Men barging into women who they expect to make way for them is very well documented. My DD decided last year she was consciously not going to move for the boys in the school corridor anymore, and she says they look completely shocked when she stands her ground and makes them move instead

OP, I genuinely doubt your H will change, how that pans out is up to you. Sounds like it's indicative of other odious behaviour.

But you can, and should, correct your kids, and teach them this is not kind or considerate behaviour. Talk to them about all of it when your H isn't there. Their future partners will thank you, as will anyone they think they can barrel through just because they want to.

It's ill mannered, you're raising young adults, they need to be taught what is acceptable, and how to treat others with consideration.

Why is OP not allowed to enjoy seeing something with all her family and enjoying their expressions? We don’t all like the same things but this is one innocent thing she likes. Some people like dining out together or creating things together. I don’t get the criticism. If I knew my partner really found this special within my power I’d want to do it for them even if it isn’t that important for me.

Regarding 4 & 5. Well I posted on page 2 and I do think your DH and by extension your children are being really quite rude. But I also thought you were being somewhat over the top when you are going on about being "robbed off special moments" by not seeing things at the exact same time. I remember when we were on safari my DH spotted a cheetah about 30 seconds before I did, it doesn't mean the moment was ruined, we were both there, both saw it, both talked about it afterwards, it was still a shared moment.

It is a bit ironic that you feel the need to point out that nowhere have you mentioned being obsessed with social media, but then you make your snide remark about others not caring about sharing moments with others when actually nobody has said that either - people have just said that not clapping eyes on the same thing at the exact same time does not need to ruin the experience.

But I will reiterate, that in every other respect, I do agree with you that your DH is not acting well here.

My XH did this generally. Would walk in ahead and cross a road leaving me and two toddlers waiting to cross.

But to be fair I'm not sure I'd get that wound up about getting there a few seconds after everyone else. I'd just be in the moment enjoying it myself and then connect with everyone else. At least when we I took my DC to the Grand Canyon that's how I felt - I wanted to feel the wonder myself and soak up the atmosphere - it wasn't just about the first few seconds and seeing there faces.

Blimey there’s a lot of embellishment here.

Read what I actually wrote again, nothing about refusing to slow down or barging people out of the way so I’m not sure where you’ve dragged that out of.

I’ve said that I slow down (for kids, arthritic dogs, older people and DH or whoever else might want or need me to) but it’s a constant effort and it’s uncomfortable. If you don’t understand that people’s brains and bodies work differently, that’s fine but it’s a bit odd to just make things up to try and prove a point.

Well clearly the OP's family don't think it's a big deal. They went on a family trip. They all went to see whatever it is they went to see. They all saw it.

Your analogy about dining out makes no sense.

I havent read the full thread but Im an incredibly slow walker and people tel me that its really annoying to walk slowly for them. Not sure I understand that as surely you just walk slower but apparently they cant walk slower and I cant walk faster.

@bellac11 its as physically painful for me to walk slower as it is for you to attempt to walk faster. It is as difficult for someone to slow their walking speed down as it is for someone to speed it up. Walking fast causes you pain, walking slow causes me pain. You saying someone can just walk slower is as daft as someone telling you to walk faster.

An exBF of mine used to do this. I am disabled due to arthritis and use a walking stick when I'm out and about and walk fairly slowly. ExBF was constantly walking on ahead of me. He'd get about 30 yards in front,'realise' that I wasn't beside him,then stop and wait for me. This was done on repeat for the whole duration of wherever we were walking to. I regularly said to him why didn't he just walk a bit slower to start with?! What used to really infuriate me was when we were trying to cross a busy road. I have to bide my time and judge carefully when I will be able to cross comfortably. He would frequently dash across when it was safe for HIM to go, leaving me standing there. I told him he was rude and inconsiderate. Just one of many reasons why he is an ex.

I feel for you OP. It appears you husband is inconsiderate, however, it may not be intentional. My mother was a fast walker. I remember struggling to keep up with her. However, she has passed on her habit of walking fast on to me. This is second nature to me. I struggle to walk slow - in addition, I am a bit impatient. My mother is now old and now walks slow. She actually told me that she doesn't like walking with me because I walk too fast. The irony!

I was always a naturally fast walker until age and some conditions caught up with me in recent years. Thirty to forty years ago, my mother had similar issues to what I have today and I definitely felt no pain in adjusting my naturally fast pace to suit hers. I just walked more slowly.

So no, I truly cannot see how walking more slowly can possibly cause pain, what about when you stop or sit down or lie down, are you in agony at that point? Have you actually sought medical help if walking slowly causes you such pain because it is bizarre.

It surely it is not hard to understand why pressurising somebody to exert themselves more than their body can naturally endure can cause issues.

Tbh OP this should have been dealt with years ago when he started to tell the children off for being slow. We've all encountered idiots like the OP's DH. It's especially annoying when they don't allow you time to grab a toddler out of their way. OP as said, have a word with your children without your DH, but I don't see why that wasn't done and you didn't make it clear to them that they were to walk with you.

This is lovely. It sounds like the polar opposite to the OP’s relationship , too.

My "D"P alwaysa walks ahead of me. He is definitely a narcissist and an abusive bully though.
He is able to walk faster than me, he's a foot taller but I can walk fast and try to keep up. However, if I had to stop for a reason; he wouldn't wait. We have a 4 year old and he'll just walk off ahead and leave me behind with our child, who is occasionally refusing to walk any further/moaning for one reason or another and I get left behind to deal with it. I've said I don't see what the point in is going out together if he runs off ahead.

He has no patience. I eat slower than him too (as does our child) and he will get up and wander around or go outside and leave be alone.
He can't even bare listening to me talk, interrupts constantly and used to tell me to only give one word answers (I barely speak now and only answer when spoken to as I've been conditioned to just shut up).

Please leave him, for the sake of your child.