Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

[Gotthetshirt1]

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

@ChiefWiggumsBoy
I guess we wanted our children to experience the Wonders of the World each in their own unique way. We did not feel the need to prescribe or insist on a coordinated experience down to the moment.

Yes I think that’s the other point of it being sensible to walk together- what if there’s an actual problem and the other person needs to be alerted?

I don’t think YABU at all.

Like an earlier PP my dad used to do similar but it was actually sitting in the car before we left to go out and he’d sit in the car revving the engine. My DM would be inside getting stressed, rushing around, making sure dogs were settled and house was locked up and had everything. I used to think it was amusing as a kid.

As an adult I see that it is dickhead behaviour and was part of a pattern of abusive/gaslighting behaviour. I realise now my dad is one of the most selfish unpleasant people going.

I hear you, OP. My ex husband was like this.
He did it in supermarkets as well - I used to go looking down aisles for him and there was no sign of the fucker. Used to put me in an absolute fuming rage and one night I walked out (of the supermarket) and left him there.
Took me a bit longer to walk out of the marriage but I did.
All the best to you.

I have found this thread fascinating. I have a lot of sympathy for the op, but as a fast walker I can relate to the husband's behaviour too. Lots of people on this thread are asking why the ones striding on ahead can't just slow down, as if it is just a simple adjustment when you set off to decide to walk at a slower pace, but it actually requires constant effort and attention. If I am walking with others I have to make a real effort not to naturally move to the front of the group. Once in front I find myself pulling ahead, even when consciously trying to slow down. To counter this I might deliberately stay back, but then I find myself having to constantly stop and wait, or anticipate places where the person in front of me is likely to slow down so that I don't accidentally bump into them. It does take constant effort, it is frustrating and it takes a lot of the pleasure out of walking.
In many situations it is easier all round if everyone just sets a pace they're comfortable with and regroups from time to time.

Loads of reasons - co ordinating the first time you see something all exactly at the same split second isn't one of them.

To add: it does sound as though the op's husband was being a bit of a dick, but it is clearly part of the wider dynamic between them, and I think @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe makes some very interesting points as well

Lots of people on this thread are asking why the ones striding on ahead can't just slow down, as if it is just a simple adjustment when you set off to decide to walk at a slower pace, but it actually requires constant effort and attention.

It is a simple adjustment imo. It's almost as if the fast walkers think that their slower-walking partners have never experienced walking with anyone who is even slower than them. Most of them will have done. It's not difficult.

I couldnt imagine going ahead knowing that it meant another member of the family missing out on that moment. Why would i even?

I'm sorry, but I don't get this "missing out on that moment" issue.

Why does it matter if one of you gets to see the beautiful view before the others?

I agree that you husband is being a dick, but the other issue is just a non issue for me.

I am a fairly fast walker, but I adjust my speed to the slower walkers. Although, I agree walking at a different speed to your normal is tiring whether it is too fast or too slow.

I think it's fine to ask the slower walker to speed up a bit if you are say on a hike and are interested in keeping up fitness, or my mum walks on her own briskly most days for 30 min as her partner can no longer walk fast and she wants to be healthy. Or for everyday activities where you are busy, fine for one person to run around and the other to take their time, if agreed.

I think striding ahead and taking the kids with you and not waiting when asked is a whole different ballgame in a busy city on hols, that's really dickish. My MIL walks incredibly slowly with sticks but if we are out together on hols, we do that.

I just know the OP's husband is dickish in other ways too, it's a sign he doesn't care she's left behind and won't adapt even if she raises it.

Op describes him as ultra fast and barging through.
That’s very different scenario to a couple walking at different paces.
Leaving Op trailing at airport. It’s horrible to watch women treated this way.
I can remember being a teen and my whole family sped off to a taxi. I was at a railway station and wheel had fallen off my suitcase. Total lack of concern for you is hurtful.

Op hasn't actually come back to clarify which of these it is though

Then you clearly don’t get it. If someone is naturally a fast walker, walking more slowly takes constant mental and physical effort. It feels uncomfortable, like an itch that you can’t scratch or a craving for a cigarette.

I think there's an awful lot more going on in your post than most PPs seem to have realised.

This isn't just about your husband walking too fast, is it? It's pretty obvious that the reason it upset you so much is because you feel it's part of a wider pattern of controlling/bullying behaviour on his part. You even say in your post that he can be controlling in other ways. Rather than focusing on the fast walking, you need to look at the wider dynamic between you and consider the bigger picture.

If you'd just said 'My husband walks faster than me and as a result, I didn't get to experience the site of a famous landmark at the exact time as my teenage children and so I cried' then quite honestly I'd tell you to get a grip. But the other details in your post suggest there is a lot, lot more going on than that. I think what you're actually upset about is that you feel bullied by your husband in general and that he's encouraging your kids to gang up on you and you're starting to see that the relationship isn't healthy.

Interested to know what kind of "compromise" on my part would have avoided me being left behind in the scenario i explained. Sprinting the entire way and barging through people like he did? I was walking fast. He was bulldozing through everyone. This isnt a one-off.

That was the point I was trying to make.

Thank you @WellPlaced - lots of replies telling me i need to "compromise" (how do you do that when youre already walking fast?) and he cant help it. He turned, knew i was almost there & carried on. And this is common behaviour for him. Which i largely shrug off as its gone on for so long, but this time it meant missing a big moment with my kids.

Then you clearly don’t get it. If someone is naturally a fast walker, walking more slowly takes constant mental and physical effort. It feels uncomfortable, like an itch that you can’t scratch or a craving for a cigarette.

Surely walking speed is on a sliding scale? Why should it be any harder for a very fast walker to slow down to a medium speed than for a medium-paced walker to slow down to a slow speed? Most people aside from long-legged sporty men would consider me a fast walker, but I'm perfectly capable of slowing down.

Yes, loads of people here are missing that. He isn't just a fast walker. He's one of those men who race ahead and barge people out if the way, she said that in the very first post.

That is abnormal and extremely rude behaviour. These are the people who want to stride ahead in a straight line, oblivious of other people, sweeping aside the human beings they see as no more than obstacles.

Regarding this as an issue of one person wanting to walk faster than another is completely missing the point. People are calling OP slow or a dawdler, and she's said she is actually a fast walker.

I mentioned an article about walking ahead being a narcissistic behaviour. I just did a search and there are a lot of articles and videos about this.

My husband walks faster than I do. But he's ok when I point or it's annoying and has become an ongoing joke that I will hold his hand to get him to match my pace.

The difference here seems to be his complete disregard of your feelings. If I shouted my DH to wait for me, he works stop and wait and raise what he had done. Not just ignore me and plough on regardless to experience something by himself that we had planned to experience together. That's shitty, selfish behaviour and would make me find someone very unattractive!

Does he ignore your feelings in other situations too?

My DH often does this but my sons always wait for me and he’s the one who ends up on his own walking ahead of everyone. He’s gradually doing it less as we all refuse to walk at warp speed everywhere. I’ve long known my DH has narcissistic tendencies but fortunately he has other redeeming features and none of us enable his most offensive traits so he just ends up looking petty.

Someone upthread mentioned ADHD and as I get older I definitely think I have it. When I walk it’s like a physical need for movement, the messages my brain gets when I walk calm and ground it. When I’m walking to somewhere I’m focussed on that and not particularly on what’s going on around me.

I can walk slower but it’s not natural and would be a constant and very tiring effort.

DH and I joke that I need reins so he can pull me back if I’m too far ahead. For me, it doesn’t feel fast, it feels comfortable and enjoyable so I don’t even know I’m doing it. I get frustrated with him in the same way that he does with me.

Sounds deliberate and passive aggressive to me. Is he nursing some resentment he hasn't got the courage to voice?

The thing is it doesn't though.

I can walk normal speed for very short bursts but have to stop and rest every 10 meters or so.

I often find in any group walk where you are talking we all walk VERY slow, to the point I dont need to stop because theres been no exertion. The slow walking is actually an ABSENCE of thought because you are focused on the convocation not walking.

Its like when children go through early developement they split into 2 categories = walkers and talkers. Walkers have better fine motor skill, Talkers have better communication skills. Even as an adult when you focus on one the other slows down, thats why most people struggle to talk while doing fiddly fine motor tasks and people slow their walking whilst talking.

Powering off ahead is literally the same as willfully ignoring someone.

I often have this with my husband. He's about 10 inches taller than me so, although I think I walk at a good pace, he often marches off ahead of me.

I make him hold my hand when we're walking then he has to walk at my pace. It's a bit of a joke between us now 😂