Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

[Gotthetshirt1]

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

It’s supposed to be a shared family holiday. It’s the sort of thing you do together and can talk about afterwards. Op hasn’t mentioned Insta or any other stupid capture the moment activity. It’s just seeing something awesome and notable together.
Why should the Op have to do the holiday by herself 10 minutes behind the rest of them.

I think it is rudeness. There is no excuse good enough (longer legs etc) and shows what the other person really thinks when they walk ahead. It destroys a lovely walk and nice conversation and they know it.

If someone walks the same pace as you, you can chat, hold hands, comment on things, look together. It's nice to do things together; not so nice to be trailing in the wake of someone racing ahead, especially when you ask them to wait and they don't.

My children would wait for me and let their dad go ahead in this scenario. They wouldn't let me fall behind, they are used to having to do this (disabled granny, I have mobility problems) and they'd check in if I was ok.

I don't think everyone has to arrive exactly at the same point at the same time to make something meaningful, but usually people are conscious if gaps have opened up and wait/adjust themselves to this; also walking on the moors would be fine for bigger gaps, walking in a big crowded city, usually you would want to keep tightly together.

If this happened when we were alone, the two of us, I'd be very peeved. Just like getting ready to leave a restaurant, everyone goes together (my husband who is dead now always used to hold my coat for me to put on, such a tiny but special gesture).

If this is just about perceiving walking as goal-oriented (to get it over with) then it's different, but making you feel crap and a burden rather than an integral part of the family seems wider than this- you are worried the kids are seeing you wrongly as well and I'd be worried about that too.

Why are you with him?

I had an acquaintance who was being left behind on a trip and she simply went home. Didn’t tell them as they were miles ahead. They eventually rang her I think to see where she was.
Maybe don’t trail behind and see what reaction is. Just do own thing. All the better if you have the car keys, tickets, food etc.

There's something really uncaring about this, isn't there? I mean, he is your DH, he is supposed to look after you. Not stride ahead and have no idea whether you just got knocked over!

DH and I were at an airport recently, and saw this exact scenario. Man striding ahead with his case, wife struggling behind with her case. Not even a backward glance from him. She was older and a bit fragile, and couldn't get her case through the door (I think there was a raised bit her wheels were getting stuck on), so my DH helped her. Her own DH was long gone. It really shocked us, and was horrible to see.

My DH is 6 ft 3 and I'm 5ft 1. He could stride ahead if he wanted, but he doesn't, he wheels my case for me and we walk together.

Op, I would simply disappear when he does this next. Like a PP alluded, nip into a shop or something. Do it every time until he gets the message.

I totally and utterly disagree with you.

Why do we go on holiday with others if it's not to share the experience? If it's not for that we'd just go on our own.

What the OP's husband is doing is making it into two groups. Him and the children and the OP following on behind. She's the one isolated and not being part of it.

It's perfectly normal to want to share special times with others, not some weird personal oddity as you're implying.

I'm perfectly able to enjoy activities or special places on my own, and have done. But it's always preferable to share them with people I love.

It’s their entitlement at expecting you to just follow on behind them like a dog too. So rude

That was how the friend I mentioned earlier made me feel. Like I was a chattel rather than someone he was choosing to spend time with. And in a crowd I'd lose him because it wouldn't even occur to him to look back and check that I still had sight of him.

And for the record, I'm not a slow walker.

OP, is he so dismissive of you in all areas of your marriage? It sounds like the walking is going to turn out to be just a small part of a pretty dire picture.

I'm fine with people disagreeing with me; it doesn't change my opinion. OP's husband is saying (by his rude stalking off without her) that he doesn't care to give her the experience she wanted. He compounded that by allowing/encouraging their son to rush off also.

The thing about expectation of other people's reactions is that this can be stressful for some. Have you never known people not want to open presents in front of the giver who is scrutinising them for their reaction? It's exhausting.

I can remember my Mum showing us some Swiss mountains for the first time. I was in a mood and underwhelmed, my brothers were fighting. I'm sure she didn't get the reaction she'd hoped for. At least though, we were kids, OP's husband is an adult, supposed to love her, and is decidedly unkind.

OP held this 'first sight' in high regard as something very important. That doesn't mean that her husband did or he would have waited back 20 yards or whatever to allow OP her wish, it really needn't have been so awful but, her husband is awful.

Surely a big part of a family trip is experiencing it with them.
The what’s the problem we’ve all seen x now isn’t the point.
Seeing the people you love enjoying it is part of the experience.
If Op has spent months planning for and paying for a holiday to the ‘pyramids’ her wanting to see her childrens’ faces when they see the ‘pyramids’ for the first time is entirely understandable.
It’s why people travel together, go on rides together at theme parks, go to concerts together etc.
I can see why Op is hurt and brushing off as her dawdling or what’s the big deal you’ve all seen it is what her DH is doing. It bothers Op, she’s told him and he still does it.

why are you treating the landmark as something you have bought and gift-wrapped for the family... and are angry that you didn't see the expression on their faces? That is bizarre and I wonder if that's precisely what your husband didn't want to provide for you.

we did similar when we saw Niagra falls - tried not to look as going near it in taxi so we could get good first look together when doing the various tours. I waited for him to be ready before "raising the curtains" of our niagra facing room.

having a family group split into 2 seems fine if both bits contain more than 1 person, else you stick together. I really can't imagine a group of women (not on say a walking tour) just leaving a slow one behind and all rushing on ahead - we all tend to check that no one is on their own don't we?

does this man also start eating dinner as soon as it is plated, not waiting for the cook to also be seated and start (assuming not in a rush to get off to an event - but a meal like sunday dinner or xmas dinner)

When he says things like 'well I wouldn't care' can you respond to him with 'well maybe you don't, but I do and I find it hurtful when you don't take my thoughts or feelings into consideration' if he then huffs or responds with anything other than an apology, he doesn't respect, or give a shit about your thoughts or feelings.

I'd start putting things like passports, venue tickets etc into your bag, so you can happily wander at your own pace and they have to wait. I'd also take my time looking at things rather than having to keep up with them .

Why do we go on holiday with others if it's not to share the experience?

Because we want someone to talk to over dinner in the evening. Because travelling is easier with another person at times — helps reduce the stress. Because sharing the driving and the cost makes it easier to go away. Because our holiday companion speaks the language/ knows about art and architecture and enjoys sharing their skills. Because we like their company and we both choose to holiday together. I could go on.

I read an article recently that listed "walking ahead" as a narcissistic trait. That really stood out for me and makes sense.

DH doesn't usually do that to me but occasionally does, though not in such an extreme way as your dh. But when we're with our teenagers they will all go marching off ahead of me. They don't even look to see if I'm still there.

They did this recently on the way home, and I realised how disrespected I felt. I felt like I was treated as not being part of the family group. And there's the implication that I'm slow - I am absolutely not a slow walker and often feel frustrated if I'm blocked on the pavement by people who are.

I've decided that the very next time he does it, I'll ask him not to and explain how it feels.

OP you mentioned airports, did you post about this before? There was another post about a "D"H racing ahead of his wife at the airport in an utterly ridiculous way.

@Gotthetshirt1

I am not sure that I can understand this complaint. You say that your children are keeping up pace with your husband. Perhaps they are all walking at for them what is a normal pace. You say that you arrived s moment later. You say this happens with your husband all of the time.

Is it possible that he might agree to slow down a bit if you agreed to step up your pace a bit? Do you have a physical condition that prohibits you from keeping pave with the rest of your family?

Maybe they did not know that a condition of enjoyment for you was that you all see the sight at the exact same moment.

If something is that important to you, it is on you to convey that to your family. You may not be able to get your husband to slow down. It may be as difficult for him to slow down as it is for you to speed up, but surely you have some control over your children.

I can truthfully say that my family has traveled extensively on various continents, and I don't think anyone of us could say at what particular moment any of us viewed a given site for the first time. But if that mattered to you , then you should have made them aware of that. I don't think that you should have assumed that to be something that would have normally occurred to them.

An option for some local activities might be to go separately and meet them at the location. In doing this ,no one has to curtail or modify their movements , and you can enjoy the activity without critiquing each other's
pace.

I remember leaving hospital with our newborn and xh had the carseat and was striding ahead down the corridors completely leaving me behind - i'd had a section and just couldn't keep up. I burst out crying!

It's such a selfish mindset to be either so lacking in consideration and spatial awareness to not notice you left behind or to be so callous as to not care.

On a similar note, I was friends with 'mean girls' at school and we'd walk in a line of 3 or 4 but when there was a corner, other people or an obstacle it was ALWAYS me who had to give way and then trail behind the trying to catch back up. Being expected to give way riles me to this day - ie. a family of 4 taking up the whole pavement so me and my dc have to go in the road. Be spatially aware!

This reminds me of my first dh, we got married abroad and after the ceremony we walked back to our villa along the beach. He strode ahead of me and I looked a complete idiot walking in a wedding dress, alone on the beach. Needless to say the marriage didn't last long. He was a selfish prick in most aspects

I really think lots of people haven’t experienced the fast barge through people walk it sounds like her DH does. Even if Op speed walks to keep up she won’t be able to as she’s not going to deliberately walk at people and people won’t move in same way for a woman as they do for a man barrelling through.
Airports are often somewhere you see this behaviour.

I'm starting to wonder if it's a narcissistic trait to insist that no one takes a peek at the Niagara Falls (or the pyramids or whatever) until the person who organised the trip and wants the pay-off of seeing the look of delight on the family's faces is ready with the camera. Talk about pressure to perform and reward mummy.

@Greenberg2
When you go on vacation with others do you require that everyone view given sites at the exact same moment. When my children viewed the Sphinx at Gaza, it was awesome and they talked about for quite some time, and yet I could not tell you at what moment any one of them first viewed it. It is wanting to exert a significant amount of control to expect or insist on an exact moment view.@

I felt awful last year when I was left constantly behind on trip away - and that was with one teen often stopping with me bit and DH often eventually waiting though impatiently. DH had been very focused and rushed to get to accommodation and trying to keep up I did my ankle in - and spent entire weekend in tears feeling left out and in pain.

Just had trip when he was dashing around - but my teens often stuck with me and found him difficult to keep up with. I've also taken a leaf out of MIL book last 12 months - IL - MIL especially slowed down few years ago before speeding up a bit and she walks at her pace you walk with her or you don't - and sometimes I have to take a breath and slow down to my pace and expect them to wait and they do. It was an occasional annoyance and in some locations feeling more hurried than ideal but not so upsetting as before - though with train back did wonder why there was such a rush only to have to wait hours for our train.

I don't run down escalators or stairs - risk of tripping and hurting myself is too high but I personally wouldn't be so hung up on getting to sight at same time more making sure I had enough time to view.

I'd start putting things like passports, venue tickets etc into your bag, so you can happily wander at your own pace and they have to wait. I'd also take my time looking at things rather than having to keep up with them .

Good tactics.

I think I've spent last 12 months getting DH to slow down when it's just us two - he does notice more when it two of us

Genuinely don't understand those of you trying to justify this behaviour.

OP is married to this man. He's supposed to love her - and he can't even trouble himself to walk a little slower so she can keep up?

How shit must you relationships be if you're happy for your husband and children to forge ahead without you to see a particular wonder of the world rather than moderate their walking speed a little. Maybe OP is 5 ft tall and her kids and husband are all over 6 ft?

And sorry, I don't buy 'it's painful' unless you're being metaphorical.

YANBU @Gotthetshirt1.

I feel like you’re both being a bit unreasonable but him a bit more.

m it’s rubbish of him to race on ahead and leave you trailing behind. My husband is a really fast walker, I’m not a dawdler but he is mega fast and he always adjust his speed when out with me and the kids. So yes he should definitely be aware of his speed - I was always told to set pace with the slowest in a group, to keep everyone together.

on the other hand, I do find the amount of significance you put on seeing this sight a bit intense. Would you have been upset if you’d seen their reaction and they hadn’t been wowed by it? Was it crystal clear (explicit, not implied) that you wanted to be together at that moment?

we tried to have a family moment /photo at a really significant location last year (thousands of miles and thousands of pounds away from home) that went wrong because our DC who are young didn’t “get it” and wouldn’t join in with a picture without grimacing. DH was really upset about it and still is, whereas I was disappointed but shrugged it off as holding onto that disappointment really doesn’t help or change anything.

For sure this particular scenario sounds problematic...but more generally and if there aren't health concerns and we're not talking super fast walking/ jogging speeds...why should the faster walking person always accommodate the slower walking person and not vice versa?

I mean I've already posted on this thread, and as the faster person that is what I do, I slow down as I don't want to be a dick (F/F relationship)...but my fitness level has deteriorated as a result and I have slightly higher blood pressure and resting heart rate now.

Why is it ok for my fitness levels and general health to be compromised? All the evidence points to points faster walking speeds being healthier, I guess that's what partners should want for each other too. But, like I say, you're perceived as a bit of a dick if you hope for your partner to walk a bit faster so the compromise always goes the other way.