Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

[OfMyDog]

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together

and watching sunsets together? How lovely for them. Sorry OP but there's definitely something not quite right here. Maybe you're naive as you don't want to admit the truth so you let it go but a best friend would not behave like this.

Oh fgs stop being a cool girl.

Pair of cheeky fookers. Simples

Was on the fence until the room part - that’s disrespectful regardless of if anything happened or not!

This is absolutely disgusting and utterly weird. You are being mugged off @OfMyDog and they are hiding in plain sight. Of COURSE there is something between them. It's just up to you now what you do about it. I would not tolerate this weird shit for another microsecond, and I am gobsmacked that her husband is putting up with it.

Your husband is prioritising spending time with her over spending time with you. He is trying to make you feel bad for not liking this. Regardless of her intentions your marriage is in trouble.

She is the catalyst to you realising you and your husband are not in a good place. But she isn't really the issue. If your husband won't take a step back from her and focus with you on your relationship then your marriage is pretty much over.

... posted before I finished thinking.

You say you trust your friend. If my friend was kind enough to pay to take me and my son on holiday with him and his family, I would be offering to look after the DC in the evenings so they could have time together as a couple, not leave my own DC with his wife while I swanned about with him.. would be more likely to leave him with the kids than her so we could have a girls night out too, if we were also best friends as you describe. Whether she's banging your husband or not she took advantage of you with this holiday and is not what a friend is supposed to be. CF at best.

When my youngest was at primary school there were 2 kids in the same class who were best friends, they lived across the road from each other, their mums were best friends too.
Except one was shagging the other's husband, and had been doing for a good few years. It eventually came out.
All hell broke loose.
They tried to stay in the marriage, but the cheaters could not keep away from each other, so it ended in a divorce. That poor woman lost husband and best friend in one swipe.
The cheaters eventually got married.

I'm so sorry, @OfMyDog
Would you prefer them to deceive you for a few more years or get out now?
The truth is glaringly obvious to those of us who are far enough away to see it.

Forget the best friend. A good husband would not behave this way.

On the one hand it sounds like it’s more him than her but on the other hand I have a friend whose husband has taken a shine to me and I make absolute sure I’m never on my own with him. (Not because he might pounce he wouldn’t, just because of my friend) and I don’t engage with any texting. It’s not hard to just shut everything down.

This is about the only reasonable comment here. If it turns out there isn't an affair (quite possible!) then even still there's a need here to have an honest conversation about boundaries and what each other value in the relationship.

I've got a few friends of the opposite sex who I enjoy the company of and will go see on my own etc., ditto my partner. That in itself isn't cause for suspicion and resentment. It's when a friend is favoured over and above the partner in inappropriate circumstances that it becomes a problem.

I wouldn't invite someone else's husband over to my hotel room, nor let them in if they arrived uninvited! It's just another level!

You need to talk to her and him about how you’re feeling. Preferably when they’re both there.
You shouldn’t feel like a spare part and you need them both to know this.
I have lots of male friends as I’m in a male orientated profession but it is not ok to leave my husband out of things.
Why for example, did you not have the sunset walk with your husband.

In future do not invite her on holiday with you. It’s a holiday for your family and clearly her and your dh do not understand acceptable boundaries.

Meanwhile I’d like to see what’s on all those text messages. If nothings going on then your dh has nothing to hide.

Print off your post and show it to her husband and see what he thinks.

They might not be having a physical affair- but you husband is far too emotionally attached to her . I could not tolerate this @OfMyDog .

Would I go for loads of walks with one close female friend in particular several times a week?
No. Because we'd catch up on each other's news and then be kind of bored with each other I guess?
It's very hard to be 'enchanted' with someone to that extent unless you are in love with them.

I'd never normally suggest snooping on his phone, but you do need to find out the quality of the private conversations.
Like what the feck are they talking about?

Oh, OP.

She's not your friend, she's a co-wife, and she has higher status with him than you do.

Your husband is no good. He's having the time of his life, isn't he, and dismissing your concerns.

Stay quiet until you have everything in place to divorce him.

They're clearly sleeping together, wake up and smell the coffee

Fgs he’s shagging her

She is always respectful to me but I don’t think she gets how much he hurts me.

She doesn't want toacknowledge that he's hurting you, she's emotionally on his side.

About time someone just says it how it is 👏

You’re being incredibly naive OP……

She must be pretty thick skinned.

Others have noticed this woman is intruding into your marriage a little too much, has nothing ever been suggested or implied, either way she doesn't seem to care.

Like you said there is always some kind of excuse or reason, they work together, they like the same sport, they like nature, sunsets, walking.

Take away their opportunities and see if they become more secretive about spending time together.

What 'best friends' part of her makes you think this OP?

She is NO friend of yours. At the very least she should have done on her free loading Santorini holiday is give you and your DH space to have time alone - such a romantic location after all.

Instead, it sounds like you present as the paid nanny who accompanies a family on holiday. On the sidelines and never actually included, just there alongside them to pick up slack with kids.

She is no friend and he is an utter prick.

I am actually shocked that this was your holiday experience.

I have couple friends. A few actually, where I am friends with both sides of the couple. Never in a million years would I see the woman (and we aren't talking best friends) secondary to any conversation or dynamic.

They are both utterly shameful. Neither care for you OP.

This has got to be the most subtle gaslighting ever.
Others have said "She is not your friend" . I suspect she has only one friend: Herself.
They are carrying on in this way because they can, you let them. If they don't fuck yet they will soon. Maybe it is a game for them, just seeing what they can get away with.

The best way to save this IMO is that you explain to your husband what you have written in the introductory post. Tell him that he must change. Do not challenge her but deliberately reduce contact with her.