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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They don't want to come to our house!

277 replies

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 12:45

My sister lives overseas and comes over for a few weeks in the summer. It's the highlight of mum's year and we arrange our holiday etc so we can see them. She packs in a lot in but prioritised mum's and my Birthdays, or so I thought! I booked a table for mum's and bought a big cake to have back at hers afterwards but when I told her the arrangements for mine she said they might not be free! DH booked a table for 9 and she only confirmed the day before and said they were too busy to come back to ours after for Birthday cake!

AIBU to feel a bit miffed? My kids were looking forward to playing with their cousins too.

OP posts:
Floppyear · 07/08/2023 16:22

CherryMaDeara · 07/08/2023 14:02

Not that relevant, because they still happily went to meal and cake eating at her mum's house.

It makes no sense for the DH to go to the mum's house but boycott OP's house because his MIL will be there.

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How many times do we see on mumsnet posters advising the op to not visit an in law they don’t get on with! Or to bail and leave dh to go alone with the kids

CherryMaDeara · 07/08/2023 16:24

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 16:22

How many times do we see on mumsnet posters advising the op to not visit an in law they don’t get on with! Or to bail and leave dh to go alone with the kids

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But sister’s DH did go to his MIL’s house?

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 16:24

I can always ask mum what the issue was once they've left!

I wouldn’t

you asked your sister if it was too boring. She said she was looking forward to seeing you. Just leave it be. And enjoy your time with your sister

CherryMaDeara · 07/08/2023 16:26

Blueswirl · 07/08/2023 16:00

In conclusion, 74% think IABU, possibly because I didn't include enough info in the original post, possibly not!

I think I am entitled to be disappointed that they don't want to come back to our house when we had all planned for the whole afternoon, but I can understand they might have done enough driving.

I think some of the comments such as an adult shouldn't expect people to watch her blow out candles etc, were uncalled for!

DH is going to take the cake to the pub which the younger children will enjoy anyway and then if the lunch ends abruptly DH & I can do something afterwards with our kids.
Hopefully we'll have a nice lunch. I can always ask mum what the issue was once they've left!

Sounds like a plan.

I would keep the cake in the box, in case they change their mind again and want to go to yours.

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 16:26

CherryMaDeara · 07/08/2023 16:24

But sister’s DH did go to his MIL’s house?

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In the last yes

perhaps this year, especially if his kids are growing up and they aren’t enthusiastic either, he’s just said - ok I’ll do the meal but not all heading back for cake

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 16:26

Sorry I meant back for cake with the mil

CherryMaDeara · 07/08/2023 16:51

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 16:26

In the last yes

perhaps this year, especially if his kids are growing up and they aren’t enthusiastic either, he’s just said - ok I’ll do the meal but not all heading back for cake

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No, the sister's DH went to cake at his MIL's house this year as well.

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 16:54

And perhaps that was quite enough for him given they clash

Luxell934 · 07/08/2023 18:42

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 16:54

And perhaps that was quite enough for him given they clash

Aren’t they staying with the MIL and FIL though?!

Londonlou2 · 07/08/2023 18:53

I struggle to think why anyone would want to go back to a house for cake after a meal, how dull

toomuchlaundry · 07/08/2023 19:08

@Londonlou2 e en if they have young children who want to play with their cousins? Surely if you think it is dull you have a dull house

ConfusedByThisShit · 07/08/2023 20:00

Londonlou2 · 07/08/2023 18:53

I struggle to think why anyone would want to go back to a house for cake after a meal, how dull

Dull? That's a very strange criticism. Surely it's only dull if the company is dull?

Having cake back at the house saves schlepping the cake, candles etc to the restauran. And by having it at home, you don't have to eat a bit of cake right after a big meal - it's more enjoyable when your main course has gone down a bit!

Going back to the house is a chance to chill and relax in a more informal atmosphere, enjoy a bit of cake and carry on chatting while the kids burn off some energy and play.

Restaurants often only give you a table for a couple of hours or so - if there was a big family or friends gathering, we'd still have plenty more chatting to do!! And of course, in a restaurant you might not be sat next to someone you want to talk to - back at the house you can chat to people that you weren't next to at the table.

It's a nice way to wind down the occasion. Very strange to describe socialising with people you love as dull!

BetterWithPockets · 07/08/2023 21:35

OP, I’ve not voted because I can’t work out to switch off notifications but fwiw, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. It was left to you to sort the arrangements, which you did. I think you’re perfectly entitled (wrong word but I can’t think of a better one!) to feel a bit miffed, but I also think that as others have suggested, perhaps it’s just due to the extra travelling or needing to fit more in to their trip than your sister had originally thought. Perhaps you could explain that your children would love to spend more time with their cousins and see what she says?

Original poster
Blueswirl · 07/08/2023 22:55

ConfusedByThisShit · 07/08/2023 20:00

Dull? That's a very strange criticism. Surely it's only dull if the company is dull?

Having cake back at the house saves schlepping the cake, candles etc to the restauran. And by having it at home, you don't have to eat a bit of cake right after a big meal - it's more enjoyable when your main course has gone down a bit!

Going back to the house is a chance to chill and relax in a more informal atmosphere, enjoy a bit of cake and carry on chatting while the kids burn off some energy and play.

Restaurants often only give you a table for a couple of hours or so - if there was a big family or friends gathering, we'd still have plenty more chatting to do!! And of course, in a restaurant you might not be sat next to someone you want to talk to - back at the house you can chat to people that you weren't next to at the table.

It's a nice way to wind down the occasion. Very strange to describe socialising with people you love as dull!

Show quote history

That's exactly it, thanks! 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueswirl · 07/08/2023 22:55

BetterWithPockets · 07/08/2023 21:35

OP, I’ve not voted because I can’t work out to switch off notifications but fwiw, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. It was left to you to sort the arrangements, which you did. I think you’re perfectly entitled (wrong word but I can’t think of a better one!) to feel a bit miffed, but I also think that as others have suggested, perhaps it’s just due to the extra travelling or needing to fit more in to their trip than your sister had originally thought. Perhaps you could explain that your children would love to spend more time with their cousins and see what she says?

That's a good idea.

OP posts:
Notmyfandango · 07/08/2023 23:40

So its ok for her kids to do a long plane ride but not yours ??????

CountessWindyBottom · 08/08/2023 02:18

I love birthdays but I think you’re being really unreasonable @Blueswirl and blowing this out of all proportion. There doesn’t have to be a specific reason why your sister doesn’t want to come back to your house for birthday cake. It may simply be that she doesn’t see it as a big deal/that you won’t mind as most people wouldn’t be remotely bothered so I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Your sister is coming to celebrate your birthday with you (again) so just be grateful you’ll get to spend some time together and leave it at that.

PansyP · 08/08/2023 09:41

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 20:30

Thanks for all the replies! As I said, my sister had put both our birthdays in her diary and was expecting me to make the arrangements. My idea of cake at ours after lunch was just instead of staying at the pub all afternoon, and so the children could play at ours, I thought it would be nice! I can see how they might have had enough travelling around but it's something we have done before so I was just surprised when she wasn't keen. She comes at the same time each year to celebrate both birthdays, she could avoid them completely if she wanted to! And we plan to go there when ours are old enough.
Thanks for the helpful suggestions of alternatives. The unkind comments have really put me off posting on here for advice again though!

I think the fact that you look at dissenting opinions as "unkind" says a lot. You posted in AIBU. You are going to get opinions which differ from yours.

thecatsthecats · 08/08/2023 10:02

TokyoSushi · 06/08/2023 16:55

This might sound odd but I hate going back to peoples houses for birthday cake!

The event I've been invited to is the restaurant, I've been to that and enjoyed it. I don't then want to go immediately to a second event with the same people, I've talked about everything I wanted to talk about at the restaurant and now there's not much else to say any everybody really just wants to home!

Yes, my in laws do this, and it's always an annoying add on.

You have to regroup everyone (everyone does a million toilet visits before they leave), usually say goodbye to a bunch of people leaving at the restaurant, settle everyone in at the new place, be shown a bunch of things you're not interested in, then sit down to eat and have a drink, having just left a place you can eat and have a drink. And it's never just a quick slice of cake and then off, it's always a longer thing.

Just do everything in one location!

KajsaKavat · 08/08/2023 10:10

As someone who also lives overseas people just don’t realise how long all the little just pop here and there takes. If you’re not careful yoj end up with zero time to do the other stuff.
I also enjoy going home to experience my home city and reliving memories and showing my children parts of my own childhood.
maybw you could ask her if there is an activity they all would like to do and book that for the cousins to spend some fun time together? If SIL agrees that is.

Original poster
Blueswirl · 08/08/2023 10:12

Notmyfandango · 07/08/2023 23:40

So its ok for her kids to do a long plane ride but not yours ??????

They are older and she chose to move overseas. We will go over there when ours are older, everyone is fine with that!

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 08/08/2023 10:17

Exactly @thecatsthecats of course it's my in laws that do it too! And inevitably it's just a bit of dry Tesco birthday cake, not even anything good!

Original poster
Blueswirl · 08/08/2023 10:19

thecatsthecats · 08/08/2023 10:02

Yes, my in laws do this, and it's always an annoying add on.

You have to regroup everyone (everyone does a million toilet visits before they leave), usually say goodbye to a bunch of people leaving at the restaurant, settle everyone in at the new place, be shown a bunch of things you're not interested in, then sit down to eat and have a drink, having just left a place you can eat and have a drink. And it's never just a quick slice of cake and then off, it's always a longer thing.

Just do everything in one location!

Show quote history

We only have the table for a couple of hours so if it's raining we won't see them for long, it was just a nice idea to round off the afternoon, something we often do as a family, the kids can let off steam etc. We won't see them for another year after that. But as I have said, DH is bringing the cake to the pub now, sorted.

OP posts:
Floppyear · 08/08/2023 11:24

thecatsthecats · 08/08/2023 10:02

Yes, my in laws do this, and it's always an annoying add on.

You have to regroup everyone (everyone does a million toilet visits before they leave), usually say goodbye to a bunch of people leaving at the restaurant, settle everyone in at the new place, be shown a bunch of things you're not interested in, then sit down to eat and have a drink, having just left a place you can eat and have a drink. And it's never just a quick slice of cake and then off, it's always a longer thing.

Just do everything in one location!

Show quote history

And given they’ve already done “cake” at the MIL’s this holiday….

Floppyear · 08/08/2023 11:24

Blueswirl · 08/08/2023 10:19

We only have the table for a couple of hours so if it's raining we won't see them for long, it was just a nice idea to round off the afternoon, something we often do as a family, the kids can let off steam etc. We won't see them for another year after that. But as I have said, DH is bringing the cake to the pub now, sorted.

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Presuming your children aren’t babies or toddlers… why can’t you visit them next year?