Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

[toddle19]

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

So just leave if she kicks off…? Is that not a good option? Wedding ceremonies are dull anyway.

Rustly snacks and an iPad, not to mention hauling a writhing toddler over a pew, will be far more disruptive.

I completely understand your point of view OP. For those saying you’re being self-centred, what rubbish ! OP is trying to plan ahead for the inevitable toddler behaviour of her 19 month old so as not to disrupt the wedding. Leaving things to chance would be selfish ! I suggest you quieten her discretely with biscuits if she starts to get distracted. Good luck !

Hello OP, this might not be super useful but we were in literally the exact same predicament last year! Albeit without such a fussy bride, but I had my 20 month toddler on my lap at the front of the church. I was a bridesmaid and he was a page boy and I was so worried he would ruin the ceremony. These things always have a habit of turning out better than you think. The church and all the faces and attention will probably be so new and strange to your toddler they will be quite mesmerised for a little while. Could you bring something like a little lollipop (even if you don’t do sweets, you can get sugar free little flat ones, might save the day?) good luck I’m sure it will go much better than expected. Try and and enjoy yourself!!

I'd imagine it's dealing with her daughter alone for 40 minutes in the completely alien and unnatural environment of a church that OP is worrying about. This is nowhere near the same as being with the child for 40 minutes at home or in another familiar setting.

Your SIL has no children you say, and it shows. She has no idea at all. I'm puzzled by the flower girl reference. I hope your child isn't expected to have an actual role in the wedding and that it's merely about the dress etc. A friend's son and future wife had thought their 2 year old could be the ring bearer!

DGD was 17 months when her parents, DS and DDIL got married and she was a flower girl. Her other DGM was detailed to look after her. DGD was ok during the ceremony. Obviously, we were sitting on the groom’s side of the church, but I didn’t hear her disrupting the ceremony and as it was a Catholic church in Poland, there was Mass too.

Take a phone / iPad.

Download some Hey Duggie. She can watch it on silent

I have a toddler bit older than yours and I would not want to have to keep her happy for that amount of time in a church on my own! When I got married, my best friend was maid of honour and her toddler a bridesmaid/flower girl. I also invited her mum and dad so they could help out with the toddler, I also sat the toddler with them at the reception so my maid of honour could enjoy the day. This was before I even had a toddler myself. I think your sil is being unfair and your dh needs to talk to her about it. I’d be tempted to just get a babysitter for the day and tell sil sorry I want to enjoy myself so toddler won’t be around. It’s not like at 19 months she is gonna enjoy it anyway. If sil wants her there that much she can at least try and help make it easier for you

I get it OP.

You warned her, just get up when your DD does that’s all you can do!

@SorrentoLemon if that's the case maybe toddler needs a babysitter then everyone can relax

@Rightsraptor Your SIL has no children you say, and it shows. She has no idea at all.

How on earth does it show? The SIL hasn’t put any expectations or requests on the OP at all. What do you expect her do to, set up a soft play on the altar?
OP does what everyone else with a child does, manage them as best as she can and if the child gets fussy take her out for a walk. It’s pretty easy.

Or be a bit more considerate and just let the 3 of them sit together ffs.

This situation would have been tricky when mine weee little. Actually better to leave your husband to enjoy his sister’s wedding . I don’t think an extra person will help.

Sit at the outside end of the pew if you can. Take quiet toys and snacks. Let her sit on the ground and play, let her potter around and say hello to people in the church. You may well have to take her out and miss part of the ceremony . That’s what happened when I took toddler DS to a wedding and funeral. It’s a bit shit but was better than spoiling the event for others

It’s 40 minutes. New and interesting (quiet) snacks, a new book and toy. Let your SIL have her brother where she wants him for one day.

I agree. I suspect the bride would rather her brother see her married than her sister in law and doesn't want him to have to choose between placating his child and enjoying the ceremony for 40 minutes- fair enough I think. DH did this for me and I'd do the same for him, I'd be prepared to leave and be happy DH could focus on his sibling for less than an hour.

Regardless of what you think, the bride obviously would prefer to have her actual brother in those photos - despite him just being one of four men in "identical suits" - and is more concerned that he has "the best possible chance" of seeing her married.

You've obviously discussed what will happen if your daughter has to be taken out, because you say:
Once I leave I’ve been asked to stay outside just because I’ll have to walk back down the aisle to take my seat again which isn’t an option.

So fine. Just stay out.
You sound to me as though you're annoyed that you haven't got your own way rather than wondering if you're unreasonable; of course you shouldn't "push back" at what the bride has explicitly told you she wants.

I'll just have to take her out, which is fine, but was hoping to not have to make a scene and walk all the way back up the aisle with a toddler arching her back and pulling 🙈😂

Were you? Or would you feel that that would prove how right you were?

Imo, it would be best not to let your daughter get to the stage where she's "arching her back and pulling" (which sounds quite a tantrum-y situation to me). Just pick her up and carry her rapidly, and as quietly as possible, out.
If She wont sit for more than five minutes. She will run, very fast (or there's some drip feed about why you can't carry her) perhaps it would be better to just keep walking, when the rest of the party return to their seats which would cause less disruption and might be easier for you than choosing when to get up and leave.

OP has said her DD will be pulling and having a meltdown anyway and can’t sit stilL so that doesn’t really help. Are they both just going to sit there while she’s having a tantrum?
If the toddler starts fussing literally the only solution is for OP to take her out. It’s a completely normaL part of parenting.
OP should deal with it and let her DH watch his sister’s wedding, it’s 40 mins for god sake. If it was OP’s sister’s wedding I would say the same of her DH.

My god some of these replies are deliberately obtuse. People are just so odd on here sometimes.

OP isn’t saying she is incapable of looking after her ‘own child’ for 40 minutes. She’s saying having the option of passing the child to Dad for short moments would help pacify them and reduce the risk of a tantrum and her subsequently having to leave the ceremony.

I hear what you are saying and I can imagine it will be difficult for a 19 month old to be silent and still for 40 minutes.

That is ultimately what ended up happening, but my sister had wanted us all to be able to see her get married. So we just tried to facilitate that.

I don't understand the problem? The child will be cuddled in your lap for 40 minutes.

What do you mean you can't manage that on your own?

It will be fine OP. You'll be up and down singing hymns, they'll nip to the side to sign the register, its not 40 mins of complete silence. Concentrate on keeping your daughter quiet during the reading and vows.
Take a couple of new small books or perhaps a couple of stickers. Could you ask a guest to leave a small bag of goodies under your chair if you're walking in with the bride? If all fails, take your daughter out of the service for 5 mins.

I agree. It's certainly something the OP should look into organising.

🙄 yeah sure, a toddler just cuddled on your lap for 40 mins 🤣🤣🤣

I've been to a couple of weddings with a todler as flower girl, both times the toddler went for a bit of a wander with one deciding to get between the bride and groom and the vicar.

The vicar said "hello" and she carried on wandering.

The bride wants you both there, this is her wedding. Ask her what she wants to happen if your toddler starts to play up, does she want you to take her outside or if not what does she want?

Take some books or let her watch a silent video on your phone or something - take her out as soon as she starts being noisy

I went to my brothers wedding in June. My youngest was 18 months, my eldest 10. We couldn't take his pushchair in. When my son made a noise my partner took him outside (made it clear he wanted me to watch the ceremony as it was my brother getting married. I would have done the same had it been my partners family getting married). Its her wedding. Duck out of being bridesmaid and sit at the back with your daughter and take her out if she starts.