Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

[toddle19]

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

I understand that you want to see your BIL/SIL get married, but them having a smooth ceremony trumps your wants.

Mine was a complete tornado at that age and in the couple of weddings I attended (partner was best man/usher) I've had to leave the ceremony to take DC outside. It sucks that I couldn't see (partners) family and friends get married, but it was more important he's up front and centre.

You'll have to take one for the team and just meet your husband outside after the ceremony is done so he can see his brother get married, be in the photos the bride would like and not have you both playing pass the parcel with your child during the ceremony so you can watch too.

At least make sure she knows real chance you may have to duck out?

Your dd needs to develop a fever the night before. Fortunately your mum can step in to look after her.

The notion of including her as part of the wedding party was nuts.

how come there are photos planned during the service - that's a bit irreverent and I've never seen it happen

Arrive early and work out where your escape options are. It’s usual to have another door to the back of the church. Talk to the vicar and ask where you should take your child if he gets restless. Put your bag of books / toys there. Sit at the end of the pew so you can get out as discreetly as possible. Keep all these arrangements to yourself. The bride has a million and one things in her head at the moment and people asking that she changes the whole thing to suit their circumstances (you won’t be the only one) are so stressful.

@toddle19 those who are playing down your fears either have never been in this situation or don't have a strong willed toddler. !!

My son was 1 when bil and sil got married. Ds was a page boy and dh was a usher. They went down the aisle then dh handed him to me on second row on brides side. And he sat first row on grooms. Firstly Ds was already on one having endured a lot of waiting around/photos before the service even began. We were also up early and there had been no nap! So be prepared your dd may be struggling before the service starts.

Definitely have a bag full of (quiet ) toys and snacks and either iPad or phone. Also dummy if used. Anything to get you through. We had to leave about 30 min in. I walked ds up and down around the gravestones outside the church till it finished. He was fine. I was disappointed to miss some of it but I was very aware it was sil and bils day and that came first.

You’ll be okay for 40 minutes. No one will mind if she moves about a little bit or even stretches her legs or makes a few noises as long as it’s not crying/screaming, in which case you’d take her out. Don’t worry too much and spoil the day for yourself and DD! Take a stack of books and soft toys (not noisy). Enjoy!

I think this is right. I don’t think your solution of having DH in the pew behind is a sensible solution to your issue. Passing a fussy/irritable/restless toddler back and forth between you and your DH in the pew behind during the ceremony is going to be far too disruptive and i’m a bit surprised that you (and some previous posters) haven’t twigged that. The solution is surely to simply take her out if she starts to get restless and when she settles you can quietly stand or sit at the back of the church. None of that requires your DH to sit with you or behind you. Honestly, i think your anxiety about it all has got you overthinking it and i think being “disappointed’ in your SIL is an over-reaction. You are at risk at coming over as a bit precious. Be positive, have a plan- quiet toys and quiet, non-messy snacks and be seated at end of pew for quick get away if needed (I would leave a bag of any size near the exit not try to co-ordinate getting toddler out whilst trying to discretely carry a bag) and you’ll be fine.

And yes, i have children and have had to manage toddlers at weddings, in several similar circumstances and one dc in particular who could be somewhat feisty. Plan ahead, it’ll be fine even if you have to leave during the ceremony.

I think you re getting a really hard time here, OP.
I had a similar scenario with my daughter this week who just turned 2. It was my sisters wedding and I was her maid of honour.
Everyone said my daughter would be fine, but I knew my daughter and it went down exactly as I predicted. Which was, as soon as she saw me she had an enormous meltdown, back arching, screaming - the whole caboodle. Being surrounded by strangers made it even worse as she was already out of her comfort zone.
Thankfully my sister understood and we had organised things so I was next to my husband to try and manage her between us. She had to be taken out anyway, but we had clearly tried our best.

YANBU to do your best to manage your child in the way you feel will work best, in a moment that is traditionally very quiet!!

Basically, the message you’re sending your SiL is that your DD should be the main reason for where people are seated.

As a tip to manage your toddler, keep talking to her quietly and explaining what is happening in the ceremony.

I found my toddlers could sit through just about anything if it was narrated to them, and they felt that I was paying attention to them, whereas they would get fidgety in 5 minutes if I let my attention wander from them. Letting them play didn't work very well, they were not great ones for quiet play and as soon as they got into play mode they wanted to run around. But making them feel like something interesting and important was happening in front of them, even if it wasn't really, worked a treat.

and is it crappy to ask the bride if she minds whether my husband sits on the opposite side of the room so he can help keep her busy.

Yes, when I went to my DBs wedding my DH sat with DS who was young at the time so I could focus on and enjoy my sibling getting married. Honestly it'll be fine, worst case you leave and see everyone afterwards. Plenty of toddlers that age are a 'handful' so people know what it's like but honestly wouldn't be making a big deal of this.

When I got married ds was 2. Grandparents were responsible for him during the service and we hired a babysitter for the day. I remember at the time he liked to eat a whole apple and it would take hie about 30 min. Dh packed an apple he was given it as I walked down the aisle. He was good as gold.

If she'd have been sat with your DH though he could have taken her out and you could have enjoyed your sisters wedding?

You can’t manage your child on your own?

This is hilarious. What 19 month old can sit through a 40 minute service? My toddler hasn’t sat longer than 2 minutes in her life, she would be ruining riot at a church service.

Textbook mumsnet these days 😄 it’s such a shithole, no idea why I’m here tbh.

DD is 16 months and there’s no way she would sit nicely on my lap for a whole ceremony. YANBU OP.

How did the wedding go?
Let us know how your child coped.

Yabu. I think you have to make sil aware that you may have to take dd out for part of service. If she is getting reatless to the point you would like to pass her back to dh the probably that wouldnt be enough and it would be time to take her outside

she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too

Start practising now. Running off is something that you need to discourage anyway. If you have to, get some reigns

Why does it need to be a scene? People know that kids sometimes need to be taken out. You take her out with a smile.

If the bride doesn't understand that she would be unreasonable.

and if she is ready you can come inside the door and stand/sit at the back.

There are some real judgey dick heads on this post. OP, I had this exact situation in April this year with my 2 year old and it was really hard so I completely get why you're anxious. You're worrying about disrupting, about having to nip in and out, about missing things, about being judged (which so many seem to be doing here). It's a big day so it's completely understandable that you feel like this. The bride doesn't understand as she hasn't got kids, I think DH needs to speak to her and see how it goes. If not then maybe just stand at the back of the room if your toddler does the inevitable and boots off. Hopefully the wedding guests make more allowances than the commenters of this post have. People forget how hard the hard days are with toddlers.

Deep down, OP just wants to watch them get married. She's obviously not worried about being disruptive otherwise she wouldn't be suggesting her and her husband pass an unruly child back and forth during a bloody wedding ceremony.

It's all too ridiculous for words.

Any problems, I'd be thinking take her outside for a few minutes, easier for you if she can stretch her legs, but also avoids detracting from ceremony.

I agree. I have taken a baby out of a wedding ceremony. It was fine. Obviously it was a bit disappointing to miss it but that happens when you have small children.

Also it's not something to bother the bride about and ask her in detail what to do. She's got enough things to think about. Decide your strategy and sort it out yourself. Incidentally, the vast majority of people think you're being unreasonable and given that it's a parenting site, I'd bet that most of them are parents.

Sorry, but I think you’re going to have to tough this one out. People take 19 month olds alone on long

Dd was flower girl at a very similar age, DS (slightly older) a page boy and DH an usher.

I was worried due to a number of issues DD tripping walking down the aisle in the very long dress SIL had chosen for her before she could walk, DD and DS being overtired hungry and carrying on (on the day), DD doing a smelly poo (as she was still in nappies) at the church etc etc. Taking a pram or pushchair into the church never entered my head though.

SIL agreed to the kids staying with us on the morning and DH waiting at the back of the church with both of them for her arrival and we told her we would be sitting together in the church. She was excessively late so it was extremely stressful. But the kids behaved impeccably. We all sat together in the church and DD fell asleep in my arms soon after walking down the aisle slept throughout the whole service (she was heavy but I was relieved she was asleep) and DS had a sleep in the car from the church service to the reception.

It was a lovely day. After SIL had kids she still can’t believe how good our two were and she totally gets how stressed I was. But because she listened it all worked out well and she got some photos with the DC looking exceptionally cute.