Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

[toddle19]

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

YABVU. Your SIL may not have experienced having a 19 month old, but I have and for the life in me I still can't see your point of view. In the nicest possible way, get a grip and suck it up.

Very cute. Mine would have been under the vicar's cassock, paddling in the font, climbing up the pulpit and then hanging from the outside by her fingertips before dropping... Probably naked too.

Some toddlers are whirlwinds, sounds like OP's might be cut from the same cloth.

I know it sounds daunting but for the sake of keeping your SIL and the family happy you need to suck it up and do it. I was a bridesmaid when I was 8 months pregnant (yes I looked ridiculous!) and had my 1 year old and 3 year old with me as flower girl and page boy. Yes they only sat still for about 10 minutes and yes I did have go out and walk around with them at the back of the church towards the end. But when it’s someone else’s wedding you have to bite your tongue and do it for 40 minutes.

I think it really depends on the child. When DS was about the same age as OP's DD, he was a page boy at my friends' wedding (I was MOH). I didn't worry about how he was going to be at the wedding service as I KNEW he was always really chilled and easy going. He just smiled and waved at everyone....and let rip a massive fart during the signing of the register (and then said "uh oh") which made everyone laugh.

My DD at the same age would have been a completely different prospect. Her tantrums were off the scale (it shocked the crap out of me the first time it happened - I'd been used to a very chilled DS!!), and she could go from 0 to 10 in seconds, and with little/no warning. Sometimes, she would be fine for a situation like this, other times she wouldn't. For the times she wouldn't, a tantrum would occur (she'd scream, hit, plank, you name it). And all the quiet toys, iPads, hugs wouldn't do a thing.

If OP's DD is anything like my DD was, then I completely understand her worrying and wanting to try and mitigate any possible situation!!

I like the idea of trying to leave a small bag of tricks to help distract if need be. Good luck OP!! x

(take some headphones and an ipad.....)

Just sit on the end of the row and go out with her when she gets bored. I've taken our children to weddings similar ages and it was fine. My husband was best man when my second child was 14 months old, we had a 2.5 year old too at the time and I managed both, they sat through the entire ceremony. My husband was sat at the front with the groom, me with the congregation without anyone to help. Can you really not manage your own child for 40min? I have 3 children and don't understand why you need to sit together? You'll have to take her out either way if she starts being noisy whether your husband is there or not.

What while you just sat back and watched?

Each of those things are very easily avoided by parenting your child.

Oh, ignore comments like these. I've got three children but my middle one nearly broke me.

You’re completely overthinking this! Was at a wedding just yesterday where MoH has her child (similar age to yours) as page boy. She sat with him without her husband for the whole ceremony no issues. If the child has snacks and toys then it’ll be fine.

YABVU. You’re wayyy over-thinking it. Yes you might have to duck out but it’s your husband’s sister, of course he wants to focus on the service. Snacks, some over ear headphones and your phone with iplayer/ pre-downloaded episodes of Hey Duggee as a last resort??

I think 19 months is a tricky age for this too.

She wants the ushers together but does she also need you on the front row for the whole thing? Is there any way you could have a seat reserved closer to a door so you do the bit at the beginning as part of the ceremony but are then somewhere it is easier to manage her?

I'd want to be close to the door and have something in front of me. My son was a similar age when my mum got married and was happy sat hidden between pews playing with his cars on the floor. If he'd been at the front he'd have wanted to push them round the bride and groom!

I think any slight noise or movement will be a lot less obvious at the back. The front row is an invitation to an active toddler to want to move.

If the bride wants her looking cute in photos better you can take her out for 10 minutes if she's had enough and bring back a happy child in photo ready state for the end of the service surely?

OP - ask SIL what the layout of church is. Ideally there will be an aisle at the far side of each pew, so you can walk DD out of the service / up and down the aisle quietly without getting in the way of the couple getting married or photos. Take her out if she starts getting grouchy, if she quietens pop back in and sit at the back with her.

I have an almost 2 year old and these were the tactics I used for his cousin’s communion a few months back. I was ready to step out but was amazed we didn’t have to in the end!

Stash snacks and a book under the seat before the ceremony. It can be done, ask the other bridesmaids if you can sit on the far left seat further away from the aisle. Then hopefully there’s a gap you can make a quick exit down the far side if needed

You have completely misunderstood my post. I was responding to a previous post that talked about a toddler being allowed to just wander around at a wedding and I gave examples of what my then-toddler might have done if left to her own devices in the same situation.

She is 13 now (and still a livewire) and so the point is moot.

If OP's DD is anything like my DD was, then I completely understand her worrying and wanting to try and mitigate any possible situation!!

She's not really wanting to mitigate any possible situation, though. Suggesting passing her child back and forth with her husband is disruptive. Her main goal is that SHE wants to see the ceremony.

You asked "Is it crappy to ask the bride if she minds whether my husband sits on the opposite side of the room so he can help keep her busy?" and the overwhelming majority is answering "Yes" so why are you still arguing? You keep her quiet and still for as long as possible then go out. That's it. I managed a funeral with my dd at that age and it was fine.

I haven't got past the first page tbh - people who try to stage manage their wedding to this degree are unrealistic and are going to be disappointed by inconsequential things not going their way. This means whatever the OP does, unless it's what the bride has asked, will be wrong.

My friends brother looked after 2 under 2’s during their wedding ceremony, on his own, right at the front of the ceremony.
Im struggling to wrap my head around why someone can’t manage their own child for 40 minutes.

Couldn't you sneak back in and sit or stand at the back?

I see both sides, in that I would definitely be a bit anxious, however I'd also see it as my role to make sure my child was OK too - I imagine the bride isn't too concerned about the child making a little noise/moving around a bit, or she wouldn't have invited her to be part of the ceremony, but obviously if it became too much of a distraction then OP would have to quietly take her out. Nobody should judge her for doing that, because that's what any normal human would do. As for her husband/child's dad being at the other side, the child might be a little confused by that at such a young age, however as long as there's plenty warning that 'we will be here and daddy will be over there, because we've both got special jobs in the wedding' then she should hopefully be ok. OP, I hope you enjoy the day and that it all goes well.

I was quite sympathetic to the OP until I read this post. It’s shitty to describe SIL as ‘not child-friendly’ because she won’t re-arrange the whole seating chart around a kid. It is a wedding, not a branch of Pizza Express. ‘Child-unfriendly’ people have child-free weddings, and the OP would be back here bitching about finding childcare.

The really unfortunate thing is that the child will pick up on her mum’s anxiety and be more likely to act up, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Have a plan. As others have said, have quiet, non-staining snacks, quiet toys, picture books etc and know your exit. Larger churches have side-aisles and if you are lucky then you will be able to slip out this way.

Op, do you have a history of anxiety?

honestly you’re over thinking it and it’s not a big deal. Do not take all that stuff toys etc. it’s just too much and disruptive. Sit her on your lap with her fave toy or teddy and if she kicks off quickly walk to the back. Make sure you’re sitting at the end of a pew. No more thought or planning is required than that.

Are you sure you have to go up the aisle? A lot of churches have spaces to walk up at the sides.

Your SIL has no children you say, and it shows. She has no idea at all. I'm puzzled by the flower girl reference.

Don’t be so ridiculous @Rightsraptor. Way to attempt to lay into a child-free woman with the whole “you have no idea what it’s like” tinkly laugh bollocks some women adopt when they become mothers.

Also, what’s with the faux puzzlement over the ‘flower girl reference’? 😂

All the bride has asked is that the OP sit with her kid with the bridesmaids in the church. That’s it.

If this apparently ferocious toddler kicks off, and the nappy bag full of snacks and phones and Christ knows what else the OP is planning on wedging under her seat fail to work, she has to leave. That’s is. Same as anyone else, anywhere in the world, who has to sit somewhere quiet with a toddler.