Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

[toddle19]

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

I went to a wedding recently where a friend gave their toddler their ipad and a pair of headphones so they could watch a movie to keep them quiet. They put their son in the middle of the pew, somewhat out of sight, so they wouldn't be open to criticism for this. My friend doesn't normally let her young son have an iPad but she thought this was preferable to him making a lot of noise or trying to run around in the church!

I wouldn’t mind the child making the odd noise etc and totally agree with pp that children shouldn’t be used as props in a wedding, they’re humans with needs.

however some of these suggestions of taking mountains of crafting and things to entertain them is bonkers. Kids need to learn about occasions, as the bride that would piss me off the most setting up a crafting station in the middle of bloody wedding ceremony

In this scenario I'm not really sure what having your husband behind you will achieve. From what you say your daughter won't be contained so him trying to prevent her from running won't work either. If she starts grumbling and you pass her to your husband will she stop? If so then just let her freely go between the 2 of you on either side if she wants. If she isn't likely to stop then you'd leave with her anyway so having him right there is pointless.

Have a bag already in your pew before you walk up the aisle with quiet toys, stickers, snacks (out the packet) etc. It's likely that people around you will want to keep her entertained too so granny and auntie being behind will be fine. At a recent wedding my little one found someone behind us she liked the look of and off she went to sit with him for a bit.

My bridesmaids had 5 under 3s between them at my wedding and I can't remember them making any noise at all. They did, but I was so focused on getting married that I didn't notice. Honestly, it will be fine.

Just let her toddle about if she gets bored, it'll be so cute bridezilla will get over it

If she wants a 19m as part of the wedding, she probably needs to understand how they are

They're unpredictable, uncontrollable. You're going to spend the ceremony time
Outside the church watching her toddle around

If all else fails, I’m sure your daughter will be better than I was when I was 2.5 (ages ago) and a flower girl. I’ve seen the video. I was the last person before the bride. I had to be nudged to start going down the aisle, realized people were looking at me, threw the flower basket to the floor, shouted ‘stop looking at me,’ kicked a guests shin, and then fell (quite dramatically) to the floor ironically sobbing that ‘I don’t want people looking at me.’

The last church i went to had a kids play area at the back. Maybe this one does?

I get where you're coming from. I think some people here have missed the point a bit. You aren't suggesting you should stay over your husband, you're simply trying to think of ways to keep the entire bridal party at the front. Having a toddler at a wedding ISN'T easy, it depends on their mood on the day a lot of the time. If they're tired/coming down with something it makes a world of difference. Also, some kids are "sitters" and some are "runners" and you can't train this into them! They are who they are. I have two kids and they are both wildly different from each other. One was a "sitter" and the other most definitely wasn't! It's innate to a degree. I also think having a bag of things for your toddler is a good idea, maybe get someone to leave it at the front for you, but yes, at the first sign of increasing frustration from your LO and I'd suggest going outside and then staying there or coming in to the back. Hopefully the row behind you will be armed with peekaboo skills to keep her going for as long as possible.
I had a 12 week old when I was a bridesmaid, obviously different as he wasn't walking, but I was breast feeding and he had bad colic, husband was also an usher. I had to do a lot of dipping out and my boobs leaked through my pads so when it came to photos I looked delightful (!) and had to get changed into a different dress straight afterwards. It was my SIL getting married and I'm not sure how she felt about me getting changed but quite honestly I couldn't have done anything else, I had two huge wet patches on the front of my dress. It was a difficult day but you just do what you have to do to get through it. I understand your worry. I think you're making it bigger than it'll end up being. Try not to stress, toddlers are famous for being disruptive and noisy right at the wrong moment ;) so just take it on the chin you'll possibly have to go outside and all will be well. Just do what you need to do. I hope it goes well for you.

Typical mumsnetter response 😄

My DS who was just 2 lasted about 10 mins in my brother’s wedding before my husband whisked him out. He missed the whole wedding but I was able to enjoy it and I had a part so needed to be free to do that.

I'm sure some children would have been fine but he was not! Just one of those things. OP ignore the sanctimonious people. But also don't let toddler run around etc.

It sounds like your SIL likes the idea of a cute toddler flower girl but doesn't quite get whar this might entail! If in doubt take them out at the first sign of fussiness as no one wants one of the most significant moments of their life with accompanying toddler sounds. People coming in and out can be really distracting..

Sorry posted to soon! Coming in and out can be really distracting so just sneak back in the back if you are really sure she's settled. Don't bring loads of toys and crafts maybe raisins and a quiet book. But be prepared to go out super soon. I don't think your husband needs to be there as will just be more faff and he will miss his sisters wedding.

If your DD isn't the type of toddler to manage to sit still for 40 minutes without causing chaos, then that is the reality of the situation. My DC2 might manage (just wants to be held and look about), my DC1 would never have managed as needed to be on the move and wriggled constantly to get free. So the whole ceremony would have been a wrestling match.

Personally, I'd pre-empt trouble and plan to take her out as soon as she's walked down the aisle as flower girl and played her part in the ceremony. You can then walk about outside with her and, if there's any space, come in and sit right at the back where people won't really notice you coming and going to observe what you can of the ceremony. Madness to have tiny children sat on the front row.

What's the worst that could happen? If she gets loud try to carry her out quickly. But maybe find some youtube videos of toddlers acting up during ceremonies to prepare her! 😀

I appreciate this isn't what you asked but we have found this set great for keeping a child of similar age quietly occupied in a service (admittedly on carpet). It packs small but is really absorbing especially if they are just getting to the point of having the hand eye co-ordination to do it and toddler can play with guests nearby if you put the pieces on a chair or lap. https://flyingtiger.com/en-gb/products/fishing-game-3039240?gl=11xd6npgpgupMQ...gaaOTQxMTQzNzU3LjE2OTEzMDAzNDE.E.gaWNSE67WB5GGMTY5MTMwMDM0MC4xLjEuMTY5MTMwMDM1My4wLjAuMA....ga_6C7F3V1WH3*MTY5MTMwMDM0MC4xLjEuMTY5MTMwMDM1My4wLjAuMA..

I honestly don’t get the big deal, why on earth would you need a pram in the church for a nearly 2 year old anyway??
If she starts fussing you take her outside, easy. What exactly is the issue?

Why not just sit at the end of the row and leave quietly if/when you need to? (Down the side, not the main aisle, of course).

There's no need to bring a changing bag and a mountain of toys and snacks to the front. Arrange to put the changing bag near the door - that way you can pick it up on the way when/if you go out to change her - or just leave it in your car if you can.

If she's a runner and you're worried, you could get baby reins and put them on for the ceremony. That way if she tries to run, she won't get far and you can intervene quickly.

It might feel like a long 40 minutes, but I'm guessing you've been able to look after her by yourself for 40 minutes before. If you genuinely can't look after her for that length of time, then that's a bigger issue.

Can you get another family member/friend prepped to take her out if needed? Would you Dd be ok with someone else?

Or maybe your SIL is happy that she stays even if she’s making a noise? She genuinely might not mind.

if not then you’ll just have to leave with her.

Pop in a chupa chup.

Can you imagine the moaning if the child hadn’t been included, or hadn’t been invited or OP had been told she needed to sit at the back in her own near the door with her child??

I took my 1 year old to two weddings recently (DP part of the wedding party’s so not say with me) the first one I was full of optimism I could keep him quiet…. Absolute nightmare!

Everything makes a noise, even the soft quiet toys I brought, throwing his dummy on the floor in the aisle (only has them for naps but loves them so thought it may work) and snack pots even make a noise and nobody wants a flying rice cake at their wedding! No 1 year old will sit still and quietly for 40 minutes and no parent can make them - it’s not a sign of bad parenting it’s just what 1 year olds do! I ended up leaving the ceremony - luckily I had sat by the back door and spoken to staff who were helpful. For the second one I made sure he was fast asleep thoughout!! The rest of the day was lovely but I won’t be taking my child to any more ceremonies unless he’s asleep 😂

Just take her out and wait outside. I think that’s what most people would do. Passing her back and forth would be really disruptive.

And reigns work great if you’re on the move but if I was sat holding on to them we’d have back arching and tantrums if restrained.

OP I’d just explain you’ll need to leave if she gets too unsettled and figure out where the nearest exit is (and exit before the main parts like vows/rings).

YABU to push back. You've asked and been given an answer, now you need to come up with another plan.

Removing a disruptive child is the polite thing to do rather than pass a child between parents, having toys or snacks out and hoping it's all ok. That sounds horrendous and totally inappropriate.

If you need to take her out, you don't have to return to your original seat, you can easily find one at the back in case you need to duck out again.

And please don't be anxious. She'll pick up on your stress. She may well be absolutely fine and if she's not, you just take her out. Don't over think or over complicate.

My handful toddler (now handful teen) one summer was due to be first at BIL wedding and second at SIL wedding (both DH siblings). she was just over 2.

First wedding was removed by my mother from the whole day before she even got to the church. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

Second wedding - was a flower girl. Turned my head for twenty seconds while outside the church and she had her bridesmaid dress off and was about to bolt in her knickers and yellow wellies (only way we could get her to wear dress). Behaved like a hoyden for the whole day.

I'd push back!!

Your being unreasonable thinking you can organise the seating plans.

Your concerns are real though. It would be incredibly difficult to sit for 40 minutes with a wayward toddler. I suggest you talk with the bride and agree you will leave the ceremony if your toddler becomes unsettled. That's not unreasonable.