Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

[toddle19]

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

It doesn't matter if there's one or two of you managing your DD...you will never get a 19 month old to remain entirely silent for 40 minutes. You will end up taking her out at some point.

I have an 18m old DD...

Honestly if she wants to be that prescriptive I'd do your best.
cheerios is a snack cup, small busy board etc.
Take her outside if its too much

and also just accept sometimes the carnage will unfold...

🙄

if she wants to be that prescriptive

😳 all she’s asked is that her DB , an usher, stands with the ushers for her 40 min wedding ceremony, rather than attending to his toddler ( said toddler already having one parent, her mum, to attend to her needs for that 40 mins).

No snacks or toys at a wedding ffs.

Is there no one who could grab her after she performs her walk down the aisle, and take her out back?

Agree.

Get a friend to come to the church and take the child outside during ceremony, as a favour.

I guarantee the ‘no snacks at a wedding’ crew aren’t regularly practising Christians. Family Eucharist is powered by discreetly administered brioches at our church. They are the perfect church snack for small children, being silent to eat and making no crumbs. I was given the tip by our parish priest, who also happens to be the parent of toddlers.

They really won't be thinking she is cute when she ruins the wedding. Most will be wondering why her mother has not taken her out.

@coronafiona

Are you for real?!

No. No, it won’t be cute.

@Totalwasteofpaper

lol you don’t have toys and snacks at a wedding. It’s a WEDDING! Have you ever been to one before?!

Lots of snacks was how I did this sort of thing when mine were that age.

A child of that age invited to a wedding is going to make a bit of noise. As long as it's not excessive that's got to be factored into the invitation.

Can someone come and take her for a walk during the service? Then bring her back for the photos outside the church?

Have you?!

Some posters are acting like we are advising the OP to set up a Happy Meal on the altar. Literally no-one in the church has a problem with parents discreetly administering quiet, non-messy snacks or quiet toys.

I sometimes wonder if a person’s strength of feeling on how one ‘should’ behave during an act of worship is inversely proportional to their own participation.

A wedding isn't "family eucharist."

If the child can't sit still, there should be advance plans to take her out after she's performed her role. Surely the parent can muster up someone who will go along to the church, handle the child and then split. A babysitter, nanny, someone from childcare (paid), or a friend.

And yet people like to say how children make a wedding and that weddings are a family occasion.... 😂😂

Oh for god sake you do for a bloody 1 year old!
A baby eating raisins is hardly like a man scoffing a big back in the second aisle.
What a drama queen.

Take your phone, out on CBeebies, turn off the sound and let her watch the pictures. That will keep most toddlers occupied

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune If the child can't sit still, there should be advance plans to take her out after she's performed her role. Surely the parent can muster up someone who will go along to the church, handle the child and then split. A babysitter, nanny, someone from childcare (paid), or a friend.

I’m going to make a wild assumption that you don’t have children.

I don’t know if you are a practising Christian, @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune, but you seem keen on the general concept of respect for the sacraments. You might therefore like to consider capitalising Eucharist as a proper noun, and dropping the faintly sarcastic inverted commas. I would also love to know which part of the marriage liturgy, which specifically mentions children, you feel means that children can’t be given discreet snacks or distractions in order to maintain general respect and reverence for Holy Matrimony (which may be a sacrament or sacramental rite depending on your denomination).

There really isn't a problem here. The OP sits with her child. If the child disrupts the wedding the OP takes her out. Nothing could be more straightforward.
The only reason this is an issue is that the OP thinks if her husband sits with her it might, (maybe, possibly) mean she doesn't have to take the child out; and feels her SiL should prioritise this possibility over having her own brother remain in his place as usher.
The bride has been clear she feels differently. So that's too bad. But still straightforward enough.

lol you don’t have toys and snacks at a wedding. It’s a WEDDING! Have you ever been to one before?!

🙄Seriously have you?

Wow no discreet snacks for a LO during a wedding.

Why?

I would say that a wedding was absolutely the place for a discreet and diversionary snack for a small child.

Bring. Them. On.

As if literally anyone else would care. 😂

What parallel world do some posters live in?

Oh and mini brioche are such a great idea !

I was at a wedding recently where there was a similar aged-child and same relationship to the couple. Mum and child spent the first part of the service at the back, mum trying to contain him, with difficulty. One very loud interruption heard by the whole congregation. Once the marriage section was over, he was allowed to go and find his dad (best man), but actually he still ended up being taken out by mum very shortly after that, and I don't think he returned.

I think you have to resign yourself to not staying very long, and having dad on hand may not actually make very much difference.

Suss out the venue in advance. If you're at the rehearsal, chat to the minister - some churches have a creche room with a sound feed that would mean you could escape but still hear the ceremony. It would usually be possible to come back in at the signing of the registers - there's generally a lot of movement around then, so bridesmaid & flower girl returning to the front would not spoil anything, and you'd then be able to follow them out with the rest of the wedding party.

Have what you can with you to keep her entertained. Anything she hasn't seen before may help with its novelty value. Give her lots of exercise beforehand so she's just run off plenty of energy. Quiet and slow-to-eat snacks - raisins?

At one wedding, the couple's children were given lollipops to keep them quiet. One got his stuck in his sister's hair!

No, just an adult with common sense. It's hardly brain surgery. Hire a sitter to come along and wrangle the child so that the bride and groom can have a peaceful and quiet ceremony.

Good suggestions, @lanthanum regarding the quiet room. Hopefully OP can take the toddler there for the ceremony.