Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

[toddle19]

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

God the “this has to be a reverse” brigade on this thread are tedious.

OP, all you can do is go, be prepared to leave with tornado toddler, and keep your fingers crossed the other kids there are far worse than yours to take the heat off yours.

You’ve got this!

@Truemilk mine went to church from birth and sat through the hour long services, I took books and silent toys. Not all kids are runners

And during a wedding there will be at least a couple of hymns plus the interlude where the marriage document is signed (no more registers) so you can readjust during those times. Take snacks if lunch time and a drink.

I think make your peace with leaving and missing the ceremony, unfortunately that is almost unavoidable for parents of wilful toddlers.

I would be checking if there is a side door you can leave through though as there usually is and it would be much less disruptive than trotting back up the aisle.

🙈🙈Are you for real?!?!

Wedding ceremonies are boring as fuck. I'd be giving my kid a sneaky pinch to give me a reason to get out of there.

I'm joking about the pinch.

But weddings are dull and a wriggling kid is a godsend.

YABVU. I’ve taken my DC to many church services lasting roughly an hour. Take distractions, book, snacks (not in wrappers) etc.

It does when that particular poster accused OP of mocking child-free women (further up). OP never said anything like that.

Is there a side aisle, lobby or vestry where you can put the pram? OK, so it's in the church, but it's not in the path of the bridal party.
Ask the vicar if there's a corner where they do Sunday school. There's usually a couple of toys for an inquisitive toddler to play with.
Other than that you'll probably find that the guests in the pew behind you will play peek a boo with your DC.
However I do think that you are overthinking this.

i took mine to my SIL wedding at about 11 months (but walking). I went armed with, small toys, biscuits in non crunchy wrappers. And a backup plan of going out.
his cousins were at the wedding with nothing, and ended up misbehaving until a random auntie took them out.

two options, go armed and prepared with a warning you may need to take them out.
or get someone at the service to miss it and occupy them

Oh my goodness I wish people could've kinder on here, it's totally legitimate for you to feel anxious about your child being solo with you BECAUSE you don't want to disrupt the ceremony. But look, she's a child and her needs matter so if she's fussy then take her out. My DD was a flower girl at 18 mos and DH was an usher. I ended up zipping out to change her nappy and then sitting at the back where a lovely lady reverend gave me a box of toys for her. The church was so welcoming and on hand to help. Try not to be too anxious as it will be absolutely fine on the day. People have a lot of bandwidth with kids in social situations especially when they're dressed up cutely. Do what makes you feel same and happy.

Please do not give snacks to your child during a wedding.
You say the child is wilful. Well you have until the wedding to break that will!

I get what you are saying OP. If you all sit together then there is more chance of you all making it through the ceremony. However you've asked and you've been told no so you really can't push it.

Is there an option for you to have an alternative seat at the back incase you do have to leave? That way you can come back in afterwards and leave again if need be. So you'll start off in your original place bit have a more "backseat" place too?

This is a very weird thing to say.
Nobody I have ever met has been able to get a toddler to sit quietly for 40 minutes!
Toddlers don't just sit staring into space unless there is something wrong with them.

Why on earth not?

You might want to think about reins - I know some folks in MN hate them though.
don’t leave till the wedding to get her used to sitting still or reins though. Go to some places and both practice . Try a Sunday service in a church so she will be a bit familiar in a less stressful time in a church - talk to visor/priest ahead and say this is what you’re doing.

get her used to sitting quietly on your lap . Start it as a game with “let’s see how long you can sit quite still and quite on mummy’s lap “ with a reward of a good story or something she really likes at the end of it.

Look at using silent books. These have been used for years to keep little ones occupied in church. They’re easy to carry and 3-4 of them would be enough between hymns when she can be a bit more vocal. You could, if handy with sewing, make her a special wedding theme one for the day - or find a reality who you can insist in making one.

do take her for a walk along the side aisle to the back during hymns etc so sh3 can stretch so is more easily quietened during vows etc. don’t wait for her to fuss, break service into 3 sections and take her up to back briefly at Hesse regular intervals.

you could also ask her to do counting games ahead- ask her she needs to count how many ladies had hats. How many men were wearing flowers, how many crosses she can see. If she gets restless, whisper in her ear, are you still counting hats etc

My mum had 3 kids under 5 with my dad who sang in cathedral choirs . We were often there for services as mum couldn’t drive and because it as focus of their social life. So,e times 3 services on Sunday 🙄😱. I frankly am not entirely sure how she did it, but she was a teacher and it definitely was a training exercise from when we were tiny

also talk to vicar, ask o& the vestry or anywhere else has child friendly area.also be sure to ask about loos - v ital for excited child. Many churches have a chair or 2 and some toys for unruly kids at back in entrance or vestry.

training is the key. Start now. Explain to her how important it is to be quite. Explain why. Even 19 months can take things in, especially if you make it feel special for her and “grown up”, children want to please. Train and practice.

remeber It is entirely possible , women have been going to worship for 1000s of years with numerous little children in tow and spouses that are definitely not expected to step in. You can do it, just don’t rock up on day and exp3ct something form her she’s not been practicing for weeks

Oh, if she can’t count- you could ask her to find prettiest hat and then go to lady with a little prize she’s made ahead (a scribbled crayon drawing) ..anything you can think of to get her looking and concentrating on something more interesting to her

I’ve also thought, read her bits of the service, explain bits in middle, bits atcstart , bits at end. That way she will be listening and anticipate how much long it will take. Part of reason kids get restless is thst they don’t know it will be over in an hou4 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣. They will think, if you haven’t given them clues, that it is going to be all day or at least till next meal 🤣🤣🤣. Arm them with familiarity , just like the stories they love the best thst they want read over and over agian- children like and are relaxed in familairity and when they can aniticipatecwhatcwill happen next

Point being that no no one sits staring * into space at any serivce

we find our own things we look at and concentrate on

mum needs to help her daughter with things that will mean she is looking around at people, the church , the flowers,the hats, the pretty dresses, the silent book etc. ,not staring into space

Can agree to disagree on that. Don’t think it’s particularly respectful of the OP to point out the bride doesn’t have children and therefore has no idea what toddlers are like.

https://www.etsy.com/uk/market/quiet_book

I think her wishes for her wedding trump your wishes to have your husband sitting by you on the off chance you may need to pass your child to him.
You have arrangements in place that mean you can cope with your DD on your own for the duration of the ceremony. They may not be ideal for you, but nor are they overly onerous.
You think your SiL should prefer to have you and DD present throughout than the ushers sat together, but she has had the choice, and chosen to have the ushers together.
This is her wedding day. Your job as a person who agreed to be in her wedding party, rather than merely a regular guest, is to support her to have the day progress to her wishes.

I think her wishes for her wedding trump your wishes to have your husband sitting by you on the off chance you may need to pass your child to him.
You have arrangements in place that mean you can cope with your DD on your own for the duration of the ceremony. They may not be ideal for you, but nor are they overly onerous.
You think your SiL should prefer to have you and DD present throughout than the ushers sat together, but she has had the choice, and chosen to have the ushers together.
This is her wedding day

I mean this is exactly it and all there is to say really.

I think a lot of people are missing the point of the thread. OP’s question wasn’t “Aibu for being anxious that I won’t necessarily be able to keep my 19m tot quiet and still for 40 mins”. If she asked that , the answer would of course be YANBU.

But what she asked is “Aibu to insist I have my husband sit behind me during SIL’s wedding ceremony to help me with tot, even though he’s in the wedding party and bride has already said she wants him with the other ushers”. I mean come on, how can people be arguing that this isn’t self absorbed, precious and entitled?

Chat with her everyday about what’s going to happen,explain what’s happening and her part in it, tell her how important it will be for her to listen. Do you know the order of service and maybe the music/songs? The more familiar she is with it hopefully the less fidgety she’ll be. Good luck.

This is the bride's day,you can't start changing things because you are worried you can't control your own dd for 40 minutes.
The bride will have enough worried without you adding on.

there will be other kids there so hopefully she won’t be the chattiest one! And if she does run off I just hope they find it funny!

Yeah, no.