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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

548 replies

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 00:44

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 06/08/2023 10:14

I think other posters aren’t being very understanding here. This is an age where you can’t reason with or bribe a toddler easily. And most of their favourite toys are pretty noisy. Mine would absolutely have fixated on Daddy being across the aisle & be desperate (and very vocal) to get to him. Or wanting to investigate Aunty SIL’s dress, or climb over the pews etc etc

I think you need explain that there is a big risk of DD disrupting the wedding if she is sat at the front. She is very young for this!

My friend had several small children (including my 3y DD) as flower girls. Once they had paraded/skipped/cried down the aisle they continued round the chairs to seats reserved about half way back on the outer side from the aisle, where they were chain fed smarties for the duration. I have to say that I was so focused on keeping my allocated children quiet that I didn’t hear any of the ceremony (never told my friend that though).

Perhaps you can persuade SIL that she has a better chance of her vows being heard if you & DD aren’t seated in the traditional place. And less disrupting than you carrying a screaming writhing toddler back up the full length of the aisle. There is a reason people with small children sit towards the back!

GoingGoingUp · 06/08/2023 10:22

SoupDragon · 06/08/2023 10:13

She's said many times that she will take her DD out.

obviously her preference would be seeing the wedding ceremony but she's said she will definitely take her DD out.

Show quote history

Except her entire thread was started in order to avoid that and appeared to mock child free women who have no idea what it’s like to have a toddler.

Didimum · 06/08/2023 10:36

Yep, some toddlers do. You may or may not have had one. Your point?

sashh · 06/08/2023 10:42

ScrambledSmegs · 06/08/2023 08:07

Very cute. Mine would have been under the vicar's cassock, paddling in the font, climbing up the pulpit and then hanging from the outside by her fingertips before dropping... Probably naked too.

Some toddlers are whirlwinds, sounds like OP's might be cut from the same cloth.

Show quote history

But that would all be cute too.

At my brother's wedding a little girl kept saying, "I want to see the princess" and going for another look at the bride.

I think you can always tell the vhildren ina church who are used to going to church and the ones that are not.

Didimum · 06/08/2023 10:43

GoingGoingUp · 06/08/2023 10:22

Except her entire thread was started in order to avoid that and appeared to mock child free women who have no idea what it’s like to have a toddler.

Show quote history

There is no evidence of mocking at all. Some people don’t know what it’s like to have a toddler or a high needs toddler.

Someone is allowed to not want to miss a wedding service, especially when they are a bridesmaid. She’s allowed to want to avoid it.

Redkettle · 06/08/2023 10:43

This wouldn't stress me out tbh. Kids are kids, even if there's noise or running your sil won't mind. If I were you I'd be more pissed I had the kid all day and could t get smashed in the evening haha

SoupDragon · 06/08/2023 10:45

GoingGoingUp · 06/08/2023 10:22

Except her entire thread was started in order to avoid that and appeared to mock child free women who have no idea what it’s like to have a toddler.

Show quote history

through the "entire thread" she has stated repeatedly that she will take her DD out. She would like to avoid having to but she will take her out.

to be fair, most child free women won't know what it's like to parent a lively toddler - why would they? In fact, anyone who hasn't had a lively toddler doesn't know what it's like. I didn't when DS2 was one and I'd already had a toddler!

MrsRandom123 · 06/08/2023 10:48

Frequently.

At one point i had to juggle two (twins) your sil won’t be expecting her to sit in total silence

GoingGoingUp · 06/08/2023 10:50

Didimum · 06/08/2023 10:43

There is no evidence of mocking at all. Some people don’t know what it’s like to have a toddler or a high needs toddler.

Someone is allowed to not want to miss a wedding service, especially when they are a bridesmaid. She’s allowed to want to avoid it.

Show quote history

I have a demanding toddler. We have a wedding in a few months. And DH and I have already agreed that as it’s his family, if DS kicks off, I’ll deal with it. Of course I want to see the ceremony, but what’s more important is ensuring my toddler doesn’t disrupt their ceremony rather than my own want to watch the ceremony.

We had another wedding last year, where DH missed a lot off the reception because DS was too disruptive. Yes he missed out, but it’s the nature of having a toddler. You cause as little disruption as possible rather than expecting other people to change their plan to suit you.

Inmyonesie · 06/08/2023 10:53

At my wedding one of my friends took my ds (4 months at the time) out of the church so family could stay. I didn’t ask her but it was so appreciated. Might be worth seeing if there is someone who could help out?

Hummingbird89 · 06/08/2023 10:53

Passing a toddler back and forth over the tops of chairs will be horrible disruptive. No wonder the bride said no to this!
also, you keep saying “have you TRIED to sit through a wedding with a toddler?!?!” As if it’s a completely alien, new thing. Yes, most of us have, and have managed it quite successfully!
if you need to take her out, so be it. It should be you, definitely not the brides brother.

InSpainTheRain · 06/08/2023 10:54

I don't see why this is such a big deal tbh - it's 40 minutes and she's your child (i get it would be difficult if she wasn't), you can take her outside if needed, your husbands aunt and gran are behind you she could go to them for a few minutes if they are able.

LaMarschallin · 06/08/2023 10:57

SoupDragon

through the "entire thread" she has stated repeatedly that she will take her DD out. She would like to avoid having to but she will take her out.

Indeed she has - and, I think, expects to.

However, she still wants the seating rearranged and, having asked the bride about it and obviously been told the bride's preference is to have her brother with the other groomsmen and that the bride is okay with her taking her DD out, is still wondering if she should "push back".

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/08/2023 11:04

NEWSFLASH OP!
this day is not about you. It’s not about your daughter.
It’s about the bride and groom. So you need to fall in with their plans, as I’m sure people did on your wedding day

LaMarschallin · 06/08/2023 11:09

This is the actual AIBU:

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

I think it is unreasonable to tell the bride where members of the wedding party are going to sit having already asked and been told the bride's preference (which really doesn't seem bridezilla-ish).

rwalker · 06/08/2023 11:13

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 00:56

Have you tried to hold down a toddler for 40 minutes on your own and keep them quiet?!?! It’s not unreasonable to think this would be hard.

Show quote history

Then nip out rather than disputing everyone by pissing about out passing a child back and forth
let your DH see his sister get married

thecatsthecats · 06/08/2023 11:15

OP, the best way to handle this with the bride is to just find out how they'd like YOU to handle this.

"Is it more important for you to have her there even if she's fussing a bit or should I take her out at first noise?"

"If I have to take her out, do you want me to stay out, come in and sit at the back, or come to the front?"

It is simply not as important that you get what you want for these specific 40m (which sounds horribly disruptive, passing an aggy toddler around!).

DinnaeFashYersel · 06/08/2023 11:15

Do either you or your child have special needs? Is there more to this?

Finding it really hard to understand how you can't cope with your child for 40 minutes?

Didimum · 06/08/2023 11:26

GoingGoingUp · 06/08/2023 10:50

I have a demanding toddler. We have a wedding in a few months. And DH and I have already agreed that as it’s his family, if DS kicks off, I’ll deal with it. Of course I want to see the ceremony, but what’s more important is ensuring my toddler doesn’t disrupt their ceremony rather than my own want to watch the ceremony.

We had another wedding last year, where DH missed a lot off the reception because DS was too disruptive. Yes he missed out, but it’s the nature of having a toddler. You cause as little disruption as possible rather than expecting other people to change their plan to suit you.

Show quote history

Great - you do you. The OP has said multiple times that what she posted about was her husbands idea and request.

GoingGoingUp · 06/08/2023 11:28

Didimum · 06/08/2023 11:26

Great - you do you. The OP has said multiple times that what she posted about was her husbands idea and request.

Show quote history

And I suspect it’s his way of trying to appease his wife who is the one who is more upset by it here, as apparent from her posts.

Didimum · 06/08/2023 11:29

DinnaeFashYersel · 06/08/2023 11:15

Do either you or your child have special needs? Is there more to this?

Finding it really hard to understand how you can't cope with your child for 40 minutes?

Neither of my kids would have sat through a wedding service at two, or three - or indeed now they are five. A 2yr old doesn’t need to have special needs to not be the kind of child to sit down, be quiet and comply for 40 minutes. Nor does any adult have the super powers to make them comply.

Chickychoccyegg · 06/08/2023 11:30

Will the ceremony definitely be 40 mins? Most weddings ive been too have been 20-30 mins, with Catholic ones being super long over an hour.
I've been in your situation before, many years a go, I was a bridesmaid and my then 20 month old was a flower girl, everything previous to the ceremony went wrong, she was tired, but wouldn't nap, she woke with a cold, didn't like getting her hair done, but....during the ceremony she was absolutely fine, sat on her seat enthralled by what was going on , so it might all be fine, don't worry or over think it, if she starts just take her out, it won't be a big deal.
(I don't think you can give her your phone to play with in church, that might be a little inappropriate)

Didimum · 06/08/2023 11:30

GoingGoingUp · 06/08/2023 11:28

And I suspect it’s his way of trying to appease his wife who is the one who is more upset by it here, as apparent from her posts.

Show quote history

Maybe they both are. You’re just guessing.

LaMarschallin · 06/08/2023 11:38

Didimum

Maybe they both are. You’re just guessing.

Does it make any difference whether it's the OP, her DH or both of them?
The bride's been asked, has said she'd like to keep the seating arrangements as they are and understands the child may have to be taken out.
The OP was asking if it's unreasonable to push back and tell the bride the family will sit together.

ThanksItHasPockets · 06/08/2023 11:43

Chickychoccyegg · 06/08/2023 11:30

Will the ceremony definitely be 40 mins? Most weddings ive been too have been 20-30 mins, with Catholic ones being super long over an hour.
I've been in your situation before, many years a go, I was a bridesmaid and my then 20 month old was a flower girl, everything previous to the ceremony went wrong, she was tired, but wouldn't nap, she woke with a cold, didn't like getting her hair done, but....during the ceremony she was absolutely fine, sat on her seat enthralled by what was going on , so it might all be fine, don't worry or over think it, if she starts just take her out, it won't be a big deal.
(I don't think you can give her your phone to play with in church, that might be a little inappropriate)

DD is a church chorister so weddings (and their durations) feature quite heavily in our summer weekends. 20 mins would be very short but is possible if they are having only one hymn and a very short Bible reading. The rule of thumb is approx 30 mins with two hymns, 40 mins with three. As you say, a Catholic nuptial mass can be up to 90 mins.