Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

[toddle19]

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

Can't someone babysit so you can enjoy the wedding?

Op don't over think it , if / when your DD has had enough simply take her out .

You have asked, she’s said no.
Respect that and manage things as best you can

I think you are overthinking this. The bride has chosen to have a toddler at the ceremony so she knows there is a chance you will need to take her out. Lots of people at the wedding will have kids and won't bat an eye lid if you need to walk out with her. As long as the bride is happy for you to walk out with her if needed I really wouldn't give it any more thought. If you need to go up for a part in the ceremony discuss with the bride how she thinks this should look. You could pass her to sit with her dad for that part. It's really not a big deal.

Some really unpleasant posts.

At 19th months children can have a very strong will of their own.

You can try and keep them seated but they could easily start speaking, shouting loudly, loving the echo of the church.

Expecting silence and to be completely still for 40 minutes might go really well or be a complete nightmare.

Excellent suggestion to bring a bag of new silent bits to entertain her.

Definitely a couple of little books too that she might like.

Making a swift exit is not unknown at weddings.

Have a buggy nearby to bring her for a walk around the block.

Just tell your husband to explicitly warn her that you will be out at the first sound of noise.

My friends video of her wedding 30 years ago is dominated by several crying babies that should have been removed immediately.
Instead they dominate a good third of the service.

Much better you are outside than to disturb the service.

Don't stress, just make it crystal clear you will be removing her the minute you realise she is getting angsty.

Can people stop name calling. Op is stressed enough.

I can completely see why the bride wants all ushers together in the church. I dont think you should push back and risk causing ill feeling in the family on sil special day. If you cant control dd and no one sitting nearby will be able to help then she should skip the ceremony or do her flower girl duty and they go into another room in the church and play. Maybe they have a creche room and a friend could supervise her?

Why not at least come in and sit or stand at the back when she's calmed down a bit?

No way could I have kept either of my strong willed very active DC sat in one place for 40mins (they're teens now) at 19m!!! How is this so hard to believe?!

Not sure what weddings you’ve been too but most of the ones I’ve been to the ceremony lasts 20-30 mins at best. Your DD is flower girl and therefore is one level above the guests so if she kicks off no one is going to be thinking whose is that awful child they will just be think aww what a cute and charming little flower girl. You are overthinking this.

billy1966

Expecting silence and to be completely still for 40 minutes might go really well or be a complete nightmare.

To be fair, nobody here seems to be expecting that. The bride obviously doesn't as there's already a plan for the OP to take her DD out if/when she becomes too disruptive.

I'm not sure it'll make a difference having your husband next to you. I just took my 14 month old to a wedding and missed the ceremony. Keeping her happy was easy enough, but quiet is a different matter. I left when the registrar had to raise his voice. It's very hard to communicate the need to be quiet at that age, they don't understand. My daughter was excited to be around everyone, that's just how it is if you take children to weddings, I wouldn't stress about it. If you have to leave then you have to leave, you have the rest of the day where she won't have to be quiet.

When we have posters misquoting the Equality Act the thread has well and truly jumped the shark.

This suggestion will probably be sneered at but I mean it genuinely. @toddle19, it sounds like you maybe aren’t regular churchgoers and therefore have understandable concerns about an unfamiliar environment with particular expectations. Can I suggest that you go to a couple of family-friendly services at a local church, ideally one of a similar style / layout to the wedding location? I am not trying to proselytise; I genuinely think both you and DD would benefit from familiarising yourself with a comparable context.

People are being quite unfair on this post.

40 minutes is a long time to keep a toddler still, entertained and quiet.

It's absolutely not unreasonable to be anxious about this. I don't think you can push your SIL on this though if she's already said no, asking her again will just make her irritated.

I'd suggest take as many toys, colour books etc as you can and if you need to leave, do so.

You might be surprised though. My DD was flower girl at 2 weddings, 1 she was 18 months and the other just shy of 2. She sat quietly for both and watched (she is nearly very strong willed and active!). I think the fact that so many people sat quietly made her realise she needed to as well!

I've always seen photographers take pics during wedding of bm and ushers - often non posed ones which are lovely

I get sil wants you both to walk done the aisle with her / nice pics during and after ceremony outside

But good to have plan a and b / iPad /headphones and lolly

Walk out if making noise

Get a paid child carer /friend to take dd out if you want to see the wedding

That's a great idea

My DD was a flower girl at 20 months with an 18 month old, they both had a special teddy bear to carry, it was fine, they loved it but if she had started playing up I’d have taken her out.
I think you’re making this more of a big deal than it need to be, if she plays up take her out and I’d take one toy and some raisins, definitely not a huge changing bag with iPad headphones etc.
I also agree that passing a fed up toddler back and forth will be far more disruptive and I don’t think you should be “pushing back” with the bride on this.
I’ve been to a tonne of weddings, church services christenings etc with very small children attending, sometimes they have to be taken out but ime mostly it’s fine, if there is singing and music that really helps, there’s lots to look at at a church wedding, people around you will generally try and help by smiling, pulling the odd face etc. Try not to stress because she’ll pick up on that, go expecting her to be fine but be prepared to make a swift exit if she’s not.

Give the OP a break.

Looking after a toddler for 40 minutes is very different to trying to keep one silent for 40 minutes.

She wants to ensure her daughter doesn't make a noise and ruin the wedding.

if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie

So, you'll be surrounded by other family members who might be happy to hold her and distract her for 10 minutes at a time?

I've had lively toddlers! One would have been kept reasonably quiet if fed crap every few minutes, one would absolutely not. You'll cope... it won't be ideal but you'll be fine.

No, she doesn’t want to miss the ceremony. Because the bride’s option of taking the toddler out if she’s disruptive is not acceptable to OP, who would rather have her husband behind her to pass the child back and forth, which is even more disruptive.

Surely you can ask another guest to help , but not FIL , he needs to see his daughter get married. I think you are totally overthinking this and looking for problems

I think OP you just have to suck it up that you are likely to need to leave the service if your DD gets tricky.
My DH was an usher for his brother when DS was 17mo - granted DS and I weren’t part of the “wedding party” so perhaps expectations weren’t as much, but I had to make a swift exit with DS as the bride came in, because he was kicking off. I missed the entire service, which I was gutted about. But sometimes thems the breaks when you have tiny people!

I wouldnt even attempt this, it isnt fair on the child

She's said many times that she will take her DD out.

obviously her preference would be seeing the wedding ceremony but she's said she will definitely take her DD out.

In the kindest way I think you are massively overthinking this and letting this become a problem when it really isn’t one. Try and relax and just take it as it comes, sit where your SIL wants you to and if your DD gets fed up just deal with it at the time, either by taking her out or to the other side where your DH will be. Enjoy your day, I’m sure it will be lovely.