Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

[toddle19]

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

My advice would be to have a chat with the bride and explain that you might have to leave the ceremony because you don't want your DD to distract her and the groom and ask her where she'd prefer you to sit so that it's possible. No need to ask DH to sit with you or anything, just say you're prepared to take DD out and take it from there

Have you read the thread? Bride has already agreed this plan. OP doesn’t want to miss the ceremony, so she’d rather insist her DP sit behind her instead of with the other ushers, so she can avoid taking tot out.

You can’t pass a toddler around the church , that would disrupt the service.

Check the church layout - ideally there will be a side exit or aisle on the left. If you sit on the left, you can then take your daughter out with minimal disruption.

If you’re tucked away to the side, you can get out soft toys/ quiet books/ quiet snacks without being too obvious.

I don’t know your SIL but passing back and forth doesn’t sound great and I think it rarely works. I agree better to take her out in the morning and try to avoid naps so that she might have a quiet nap for some of the ceremony. And I also agree best for you to nip out sooner rather than later if she does start mucking about- does it really matter if you miss most of the ceremony once you’ve seen her walking down the aisle? I would probably prefer to have a mooch around the churchyard anyway and I’m sure there’ll be a video.

I understand you are worried ( have a toddler too ) but given it’s 30/40 mins tops and this is one of those very rare Big family events, just have to suck it up .

ask to be seated nearer to the aisle in case she get rowdy and take her out the moment that happens so you don’t get stressed

The comparisons to flights and restaurants etc are amusing. You’re allowed to talk on aeroplanes and in restaurants, that’s completely different! You are not supposed to talk through wedding ceremonies and it’s not like you can even sit there singing the wheels on the bus quietly is it. But I think it will be fine, toddlers can surprise you, and as you say you can just take her out.

Sorry but you come across as entitled and as though the world should revolve around your DC. This day is about someone else, not you. Yes it may be a little awkward and difficult but that’s really not her problem. There will be loads of situations in life where your daughter will need to be quiet, your husband won’t be there for all of them either.

That’s exactly what it is. It’s not about posters not knowing what toddlers are like, it’s about how OP expects to deal with the situation.

It’s only 40 mins. She can manage 40 mins on her own. If not, she takes the child out. But she would rather cause a fuss by passing a child back and forth than leaving, and then thinks it’s the bride who is being unreasonable because the bride doesn’t have children.

I have a 2 year old and it wouldn't even occur to me that this would be a problem, I've been on a 14 hour flight with her alone and that was fine! For 40 minutes I wouldn't even think about her needing a load of toys or my phone, she would be fine with snacks and maybe a few books. Maybe you need to consider why you feel you can't cope alone for that relativly short time? Is your DDs behaviour or attention span an issue or do you feel you're lacking confidence as a parent?

Maybe try to get some practice in, spend time getting her to focus on low energy focused activities like reading, drawing or even taking her out to watch a children's theatre event

I managed two under twos in these circumstances. You need to buckle down and get on with it. The children can be prepped ahead of time for this too. YABU.

Your SIL has no children you say, and it shows.

DDIL was the bride and mother of her 17 month old daughter/flower girl. She still went ahead with the idea. Her DM in her 70s, seemed to cope fine with DGD - but then, I’d have thought handling one toddler was a doddle after bringing her own nine children up (in Catholic Poland)! DDIL told me recently how hard it is to organise a wedding, having to take a baby everywhere!

Would it be very disruptive if you passed dd to Dh anyway? Regardless of where he is sat?

It’s Mumsnet. Couples who get married need to do whatever the guests want, or else the bride is called a bridezilla.

FFS some people on Mumsnet really do say things they would never say to people in real life. And don't even get me started on this "Why can't you control your own child? Don't you not normally spend much time with her? Why can't she just sit on your knee, I don't understand?" Faux confusion bullshit.

OP, I too have a tornado of a little girl. In fact I also have a fidgety boy and a baby who is fast shaping up to be as feisty as her sister. There is no way at the age of your little girl, that mine would have sat nicely for 40 minutes. Or even 5 haha. They are not baslt behaved children. They are strong willed, as all toddlers are of course so it's not like we don't understand or think our children are unique like some people like to imply, but some children just really, really, really would not sit beautifully with maybe only a little squirm now and then.

It is not at all unreasonable to have some quiet toys on hand. I don't know why people have felt the need to act oh so shocked that you feel the need to have a changing bag on hand with some props for discreet distraction of your child. Would some quiet, non-messy snacks be an option? No doubt I'll get flamed for suggesting that a child eats during the ceremony lol.

Unfortunately, I don't think it's worth the hassle of asking for her Dad to sit behind you. I also understand having the need to pass her onto someone she knows for a breather although some people also pretend not to understand that too. But, I don't feel in this scenario it's going to be possible. I would say not to hold her on your lap if she does get restless. Would she sit on the floor with a small toy? I find that the more I try to restrain them the more they fight back!

I did lots of long haul flights with toddlers.
18 months is a tricky age to keep entrained.
The best tip I can offer is one that worked for me.
Put together a bag of small new toys and activities.
Stickers, finger puppets, crayons,touch and feel books, a soft doll that can be dressed.
Avoid anything that makes noise.
Do not let your child see any of these activities beforehand and never let her se the full bag.
Every 20 mins produce a new item from your hidden bag.
It will involve you playing and interacting with her, rather than just handing her the stuff.
Wishing you all the best.

I'm amazed at the unsympathetic responses! I have taken my DC to a wedding at that age and it was stressful. I was sitting at the back too!

I found my DC was ok looking around and looking at a few books until the sermon when the only way I could get them to be still and quiet was to breastfeed. In a similar situation which did not allow for movement, called for silence and where I couldn't breastfeed, I plied them with snacks and drinks and had to leave after about 20 mins.

I wouldn't push the point, but I would probably either ask to sit on an aisle near the back to allow for quick escape. If no, it's really on your SIL to live with the consequences of you've forewarned her of them.

Could you leave your daughter at home with your parents, maybe see if your SIL would prefer that option and you pay her for the flower girls dress? I know I would enjoy a wedding much more without taking a toddler! I completely get why you are anxious.

This is brilliant advice.

and as another poster said, the theatre etc.
Try cinema trips (they do baby friendly showings) and take snacks. 40 mins is barely anything.

and please remember this is your role as mother. Not sister in laws role as bride.

We had two in this age group at a family wedding. They did behave during the service and ran it off afterwards

I think you're worrying too much. Kids are kids and you don't have magic powers, so just see how long she'll sit on your knee for, and if she starts getting a bit loud or energetic then take her out.

No one in their right mind would be angry or judgey about a young child making a noise and their mum taking them out as soon as they started to cause a distraction to the ceremony. I think the only thing you have to be careful NOT to do, is to hang around longer trying to quieten her down - as soon as she might be deemed to be causing a disturbance or a distraction, take her out so that the bride and groom can have the attention on them.

If it's a rainy day you can have a car full of toys nearby, or if it's dry you can take her for a walk round while the rest of the ceremony goes on. Job done!

A single child needs 2:1 care for 40 minutes as a ‘reasonable accommodation’?

OK hun.

If you're sitting in the front or second row, ensure you're at the end of the pew away from the aisle. That means that if you need to take your daughter out then you can do so more subtly down the side of the church. It's preferable to having to walk her back down the aisle. Also, it may be better as she may not notice her dad is on the other side of the aisle and won't want to run backwards and forwards!

OP said she asked the bride and the bride said she'd rather her brother be with the other ushers.
The possibility of taking the child out has obviously been discussed, as the OP said:

Once I leave I’ve been asked to stay outside just because I’ll have to walk back down the aisle to take my seat again which isn’t an option.

That doesn't sound child-unfriendly to me. A bridezilla who's all about the photos and has no idea about children would insist on the seating not changing and everyone being there all through the ceremony and for the photos.
This bride just wants her brother in his appointed place and for him to be there when she's married.
If anything, the OP seems more worried about the optics, saying her DH will just be in the same suit as the other ushers and the photos would be better with her and her daughter in them.

The OPs asked, been told what to do if/when her DD acts up (leave) and now isn't happy that she didn't get her own way, imo.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I did read all OPs posts so someone might have suggested it. Instead of sitting at the front, when you’ve come down the aisle with your DD instead of sitting down in the front row can you quietly go back up the side to a spot at the back where there will be a little more room for you and your DD. Put a reserved sign on it before the ceremony and put all your stuff there. Somewhere there is space for her to sit on the floor to play if that will make her happier? Could you get some cute reins that will go with her outfit so she can’t physically run off?

if you invite children to your wedding though you have to expect some disruption so to some extent your SIL might have to just get over it a bit.

Hold down? What?

Why would a nearly 2 year old need to be held down?

Can she not understand being quiet for Aunties special day?

If she really cannot sit and play quietly for 40 minutes then your husband needs to sort it out with his sister

Honestly, you sound a bit of a wimp if you can't manage your own child for 40 minutes.

If she's getting rambunctious, you do what parents have been doing since time began, you take her outside for a 5 minute run around, and then stand at the back with her.

In this case, as it's DHs sibling, not yours, its far more important that he gets uninterrupted time to see his sister get married - not you.