Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

[toddle19]

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

I can understand your worry.

can you set it up with the best chance of success.

1. good sleep the day before.
2. give her a massive runaround beforehand.
3. she will have more understanding of language than she can express so it might be worth talking about it and explaining before. Talk her through the day and that it’s a special day and we will all have to stay quiet and still in the church but afterwards it’s a big party.
4. practice beforehand but make it a game - sleeping lions for example with lots of praise for being still and quiet. On the day set up a reward if she stays in the seat and only whispers for as long as she can. Join her in the endeavour. ‘If we both stay sitting and look and listen for the longest time we can have some lovely cake later’.
5. quiet and new toys and books - magic drawing pad.
6. quiet snacks.

Most children not quite 2 won't sit quiet for 40 minutes

You may well miss bits of the wedding taking child out back - that's just what happens as a parent and it's not making a scene it's normal

Being able to pass child to daddy won help much - and as it's his sister I think he has first dibs on seeing the wedding

YABU in every possible way, and are being very wet.

How do you imagine that single parents cope?

Whilst your suggestion is more sensible, I think you need to go with the bride's preferences.

However, a small bag left beforehand in the pew (by your husband) should help enormously. As well as quiet toys and raisins, as a PP suggested, you could take a notebook of magic paintings with a water pen. Those keep mine settled for ages. And you could wrap each thing up in fabric (just an old scarf or similar) to make it more fun.

And in the meantime you could practise at home.

I understand your stress and anxiety over this, but try and relax and go with it. Most of the audience will be parents so will understand.
Snacks is always a win.

The more you say 'be quite ' 'sit still 'the more she will do the opposite so best not make a big deal of it.
Explain what to expect in the service and make sure she's not overtired or over hungry and just smile... She will pick up on how you are feeling and react accordingly...
Best of luck, you will be ok x

A child playing with toys and eating snacks will be more disruptive than simply taking her out. Or carrying a changing bag across the church.

This nails it.

Yes it sounds tricky to get a toddler to sit still bur you are being unreasonable to tell the bride your husband will sit behind you, it will look odd! Of course she wants all the men together in the same suits for photos. Just take your child outside when they start to fuss like the rest of us would, it's about them not you

Shocked you can’t manage your own toddler for 40 mins unless she has some extreme behavioural issues which need addressing. I once had to manage my daughter solo on a flight to the Far East at the same age, so yes, I know what it’s like. Totally doable. YABU to make the wedding seating all about you.

Oh and lollipops always bought ten minutes of silence with mine. But you'd need to pick the colour carefully and wipe her hands afterwards.

Is your child walking? Can they go over to DH if they want? All they'll do is walk across the aisle. The more you try and pin them in your lap, the more they'll wriggle and moan. Let them toddle about, if your SIL has a problem with this I'd suggest that you can't be in the wedding party then.
And if you take them outside, you can return, just sit near the back so you're not walking down the aisle.

You shouldn't be expecting g your daughter to sit still, and neither should your SIL. If they asked her to be a flower girl, then they must be expecting her to be a typical toddler and therefore, that they may disrupt things a little.

Would she be calmer in a toddler carrier?

Could you bring distractions into the ceremony? (Quiet snack?)

I took ds1 to a wedding when he was 20 months. I worried about this but he was so curious about what was going on, he sat and watched everything around him the whole time. I appreciate not all children are the same but it could be she'll be absolutely fine?

2 weeks ago, ds2 had barely slept all day on the day of my sister's wedding. I was ridiculously anxious about him kicking off in the ceremony so I popped him in the wrap, he looked around for a while then went off to sleep.

My point is it's usually not as bad as you think it'll be. Have an exit plan (I stood on the end of an aisle with ds2 for a quick exit if I needed to), think of ways to keep DD occupied if need be. And if she screams? We'll she's 19 months old 🤷🏼‍♀️

What are you on about?? All the bride has asked is that her DB stands at the front with the other ushers, like is traditional. Hardly a lot to ask!!

Put peppa on your phone sound off! Job done!
stop making your problem, the brides! Not cool. Leave her alone.

Is there absolutely no relation that can sit behind you? Even a cousin of your husband's or a cousins partner or something?

Just thinking, with you being bridesmaid, you will be needed for pictures at the alter and to walk down the church with a groomsman. Bride could get stressed out if they are all waiting at the top of the church for photos and somebody is gone outside to try locate you. 🙈

She's not unreasonable to want your both to sit with the bridesmaids / groomsmen. Ultimately I think this is up to you and your DH to figure out the best way to work the ceremony.

Give over. People who want to ‘stage manage’ their wedding don’t introduce the variable
of small children. I cannot believe the vitriol of posters who have decided that the SIL is some kind of bridezilla diva because she would prefer not to rearrange the whole ceremony around a small child who will have to leave after 15 mins anyway.

My DD recently got married, and we had exactly this situation in every respect. Groom’s brother was best man and his partner and their 19 month daughter were bridesmaids.They sat on opposite sides of the church, and when the little girl got slightly restive and wanted to go to her daddy, she toddled across the aisle to him with her mum’s help, during a convenient moment in the service. It was a complete non issue and everyone thought it sweet when she did this. If she had had messy snacks, it would have been a lot more distracting at the front, I think. I really wouldn’t worry unless this toddler tends to be hard to entertain. It is such an unusual situation for them that I think many would just sit and absorb the novelty for most of the time.

If you're sure your child won't sit through the ceremony why don't you just get a sitter for that part and pick her up in between the ceremony and the reception? Just put your foot down with SIL and say that DC won't be in the ceremony but will join later?

I do think you are overthinking this slightly and imagining all the scenarios that "might" happen....

I would just turn up on the day, well planned as you say and just see how it goes. If your daughter is disruptive and fidgety, then just calmly take her outside. People would much prefer that than trying to entertain her, passing her from person to person, jiggling her about, getting your phone out etc.

People are so wooden, I understand why you would be so anxious in this situation, asking a 19 month old to be part of a wedding but expecting them to sit for that length of time quiet! I had a few toddlers at my wedding wandering around they plonked theirselves where they wanted and quite enjoyed it!

Jeez, all the snotty comments asking the OP why she can't manage her child for 40 minutes!
@toddle19 has already said her daughter is a runner and a live wire and I think she knows her child better than randoms enjoying making judgy, snidely remarks on the internet! All children are different.
My advice would be to have a chat with the bride and explain that you might have to leave the ceremony because you don't want your DD to distract her and the groom and ask her where she'd prefer you to sit so that it's possible. No need to ask DH to sit with you or anything, just say you're prepared to take DD out and take it from there.
Easier said than done as well but try to go with an open mind because your DD could pick up on your anxiety and you never know, she might sit like an angel! Good luck!
Oh and my SIL asked my DD to be a flower girl when she was about 16 months old. I declined. Good job I did because DD was having a mare of a day and cried the whole time! I didn't see any of the ceremony 😁

Is having one person sit in a different seat ‘rearranging the whole ceremony’?

The bride and groom’s guests and wedding party should be the most important people in their lives - they aren’t photo props. As their host she should provide them reasonable accommodations which makes their day enjoyable.

I agree with leaving the bride alone too, asking her what she might prefer, what to do in such and such situation...all just too much. Just be quiet about it now and quiet about it on the day, leave if things get too much.

Yanbu. I think you can ask but just need to go with what she says. Your DH should warm her of the strong chance you’ll need to head out in the ceremony though as that may change her mind.

19 months was such a tricky age - mobile (and enjoying it!) but too young to understand enough to be kept quiet, short attention span too. Take quiet snacks, books etc and see how it goes. If you have to exit quickly then so be it.