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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband slept through daughters first birthday celebration

327 replies

Mimsymumsymoo · 05/08/2023 20:30

This is a long winded one sorry in advance.
So today we planned a small party for my youngest daughters 1st birthday. We decided to celebrate a few days early as her birthday is midweek and her dad -my husband- works away during the week and was not meant to be home. He came home early hours friday morning and weng to sleep as he works nights. Later that evening he decided out of the blue that he was going out with friends for a few hours as being away in a hotel all week gives him "cabin fever". I was okay with this and encouraged him to have a good night, reminding him not to stay out too late or drink too much as we had plans the following afternoon, he agreed and ensured me hed be home by 2am the latest. 3 am rolls around and he strolls in, but decides he isnt tired enough for bed so he is going to stay up for "a bit". Fine. Whatever. We have plans for 2pm he can still get a decent amount of sleep and attend. He ended up going to bed at 10 am this morning and when i woke him at 1 to say hes got an hour to get ready, he moaned,rolled over and went back to sleep. I tried to wake him several times before saying f this and just taking our children to his parents, along with the cake i made the night previous and gifts for the party. We have loads of fun at the party and return home around 7. I get the girls to bed and start cleaning the house while he lounges on the sofa watching reruns of a show on Netflix. He then says to me "are you going to strop all night?" I say i think im allowed to be annoyed that you missed the first birthday celebrations that were planned specifically so you could attend.all he had to say back to me was "if im not tired i cant make myself go to sleep, its not my fault i slept all day. I feel like ive wasted the day in bed". Which to me sounds like poor me im tired feel bad for me. So my question is AIBU to be seriously annoyed that he missed the celebrations to spend the day in bed?

OP posts:
Bleuuuughhh · 06/08/2023 18:59

He was a shite, but omumsnnetters suggesting this is the end of your relationship is ridiculous!

Notanotherusernameplease · 06/08/2023 19:09

All those being critical clearly have no idea what it’s like to work nights and try and get your body clock back to night time sleeping after a series of night working.

NoodleDoodle24 · 06/08/2023 19:13

As a former Night Shift worker - I don’t think your husband is on drugs. I’ve never touched them and sometimes you’re just not able to pull out of nightshift mode.

No, your daughter won’t remember. But you will. You actively supported his night out, on the basis he would keep his end of the deal. Then he didn’t. His attitude after is the most disappointing as if he’d grovelled and tried to make it up there would be little to no issue.

I haven’t RTFT so sorry if the circumstances have changed. I read the first three pages x

cakewench · 06/08/2023 19:18

"It's not my fault" etc, tells me all I need to know about this loser.

Sorry, OP. This can't be the first time he's been a twat like this?

If it matters: your child won't remember who was at their 1st birthday party.

I'm guessing his parents weren't surprised he wasn't there?

SharonEllis · 06/08/2023 19:26

"This obsession with dad being at everything winds me up"

I find this completely bizarre. Dad had to be there at conception and should bloody well be there at key milestones. Whoever heard of a mother missing a child's first birthday because she overslept?! The OP arranged this with him, to suit him. He's a grownup - if he knew he wouldn't be able to wake up he should have taken the lead on coming up with an alternative plan. Honestly he sounds like an idiot - this won't be the last time he acts like an irresponsible teenager. My partner missed our babies first birthday because he had to go abroad for work. We discussed and agreed it & she had 2 celebrations. She was none the wiser but all the important people in her family were part of sharing that milestone - & supporting me.

Aintthatthetooth · 06/08/2023 19:29

I work nights, I would not miss one of my children's birthday party's to sleep. End of discussion

SouthLondonMum22 · 06/08/2023 19:33

nameXname · 06/08/2023 18:39

OP forgive me, I am probably a lot older than your grannie. But

  • your child will not understand/remember ANY of this. It will not harm them. So, from their point of view (and of course you wish the best for them) it is simply not an issue.
  • I come from a generation when first birthday paries would have just not have happened or been understood. In those days, birthday parties were for the child old-enough-to comprehend (about 5-6-7 upwards) and his/her friends to enjoy. This enjoyment had had NOTHING to do with the parents - how many adults genuinely enjoy playing juvenile party games?? As a child at the time, I can't remember any of the fun, just the very pretty but incredibly uncomfortable hand-ironed -and starched - organdie frocks that we were told to wear. Presumably, our mother felt proud of us; I still have the old studio b/w portraits that she paid for. But they, and the other clothes, did nothing to make us happy. Message = to quite a few children, clothes do not matter.
  • Fathers did not come to those birthday parties. What could they do? They arrived towards the end in the family car, and often skulked outside, chatting to other men until child party-goers were ready to leave. In no way were they part of any festivities.
  • You need to think carefully about why you are are cross with your husband. I'm not saying that you are wrong to be angry. What I am saying is that you and he (ideally together) need to undstand why you are so upset. (As you clearly, genuinely are.) .
  • If he drinks too much/takes drugs then that is indeed a real issue.
  • * If he can't see why you are so upset about an event that your mutual child won't remember the I have rather more sympathy with him
  • But - for heaven's sake - talk, talk ,talk to each other like rational adults,
Very best of luck.

Is that a good thing though? Times have thankfully changed and fathers are rightly expected to be more involved now. Especially when the party is arranged for a time he isn't working away.

His daughter doesn't know but OP will always know that getting drunk with his friends and staying out all night was the priority over spending time with his family.

It's very obvious why OP is so upset.

SouthLondonMum22 · 06/08/2023 19:35

Notanotherusernameplease · 06/08/2023 19:09

All those being critical clearly have no idea what it’s like to work nights and try and get your body clock back to night time sleeping after a series of night working.

You know what doesn't help? Going out until 3am when you promised you'd be back earlier.

That's on him, not working nights.

pickyourown · 06/08/2023 19:57

This would be unforgivable for me. I wouldn’t be having any more kids with him either.

greenbeansnspinach · 06/08/2023 19:57

What on earth CouId he have been doing on his own till 10 am? I am very laid back about stuff generally but I would be so, so very angry about this.

RationalHuman · 06/08/2023 20:16

This reply has been deleted

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EmptySails · 06/08/2023 20:18

Yeah this is coke. Anyone writing it off as body clock problems hasn't lived with a drug taker before.
I was exactly like you a year ago, "no he never takes drugs, hardly even drinks"... couldn't understand why a night out was suddenly a morning sat up alone "couldn't switch off" "not my fault I'm exhausted" etc. Missing big things he never would have in the past. I was fuming but excused it because he was working hard.
Then his dealer turned up.
You know its shit behaviour missing your kid's birthday party. And you know that you and your baby deserve better.

AfraidToRun · 06/08/2023 20:23

The switch from nights to days is hard but if he has form for being a shit ...

Atovell · 06/08/2023 20:23

Blatantly on the bag all night

INeedAnotherName · 06/08/2023 20:24

This reply has been deleted

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I think I need what you are smoking 😂

MummyJ36 · 06/08/2023 20:28

I would be absolutely livid. Up to you if you want to brush this under the carpet but from my perspective I’d be incredibly disappointed in him and find it hard to to forgive such selfish behaviour.

ConcernedCatmother · 06/08/2023 20:33

You are married to a LOSER.

Hummingbird89 · 06/08/2023 20:45

@Notanotherusernameplease I work shifts. Sometimes I work 4 nights, a sleep day, one day off then back on to 12.5hr day shift, starting at 7am. So don’t give me this crap that he couldn’t POSSIBLY get up, because the poor little lamb has been on nights. Some of us HAVE to. And if he gave a shit about his daughter or partner, he would have made the effort.

Notanotherusernameplease · 06/08/2023 20:52

Hummingbird89 · 06/08/2023 20:45

@Notanotherusernameplease I work shifts. Sometimes I work 4 nights, a sleep day, one day off then back on to 12.5hr day shift, starting at 7am. So don’t give me this crap that he couldn’t POSSIBLY get up, because the poor little lamb has been on nights. Some of us HAVE to. And if he gave a shit about his daughter or partner, he would have made the effort.

I didn’t say he couldn’t get up.

CM1897 · 06/08/2023 21:04

toomuchlaundry · 06/08/2023 18:07

So do mums who work nights sleep through child's birthday parties @starfro?

I imagine some do. Some mother’s do much worse, just like fathers do. I read the story about Ian Watkins today, and the Mother’s who were sent to jail with him were vile. Bothe gender of parents can be rubbish

CM1897 · 06/08/2023 21:06

Hummingbird89 · 06/08/2023 20:45

@Notanotherusernameplease I work shifts. Sometimes I work 4 nights, a sleep day, one day off then back on to 12.5hr day shift, starting at 7am. So don’t give me this crap that he couldn’t POSSIBLY get up, because the poor little lamb has been on nights. Some of us HAVE to. And if he gave a shit about his daughter or partner, he would have made the effort.

A bit harsh to think he doesn’t give a shit about his child. People make mistakes. Maybe he thinks she is one years old and won’t remember. I’m sure he loves his daughter

CM1897 · 06/08/2023 21:12

MysteryBelle · 05/08/2023 22:19

🎯

Show quote history

Why? Because he works nights and his body clock is out of whack?? 😂 She literally said he doesn’t smoke, do drugs and rarely drinks 🤦🏻‍♀️

CM1897 · 06/08/2023 21:14

MinnieTruck · 05/08/2023 22:32

All the people talking about him doing nights are missing out a big chunk of the story.

He randomly decided to go out for the night. Came back early morning yet didn’t sleep until 10am when he knew the birthday party was in the afternoon. Wtf is that about! Again, he sounds like an arse

Easy really… someone who works nights isn’t used to sleeping at night, so he agreed to meet some friends. Then couldn’t sleep before 10am because he works nights and wouldn’t usually sleep until then

Morgysmum · 06/08/2023 21:15

To all the people saying he is doing drugs, I guess you guys have never done a night shift? It messes with your body clock. You get use to been up all night and so not been tired at 3am is standard.
My partner does lates, he gets in a routine of coming home at 11:30 and sleeping till 2 am. He then wakes at 10:30 am. If he wakes before on, say as on his day off, he is grumpy, still does stuff, but is grumpy.
If he is working nights all week, it not like he can go back to sleeping normal, that will take a good few days.
He should have set his alarm and tried, or at least apologise for not going.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 06/08/2023 21:21

Notanotherusernameplease · 06/08/2023 19:09

All those being critical clearly have no idea what it’s like to work nights and try and get your body clock back to night time sleeping after a series of night working.

And all of those making daft comments like this, clearly hold men to a pathetically lower standard than women.

There are plenty of nurses, for example, on here who wouldn’t come home at 2 (or was it 3?)am from a night of boozing with their mates (not actually doing their night shift work 🙄), and then sit up until 10am, and miss their kids birthday.

Nobody’s asking the man to solve the middle eastern crisis, or fly to the moon.

Just to do nothing more or less than his partner does.

So many people thinking because he’s a bloke, he gets to opt out.

I’m glad I don’t live in that world.

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