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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband slept through daughters first birthday celebration

327 replies

Mimsymumsymoo · 05/08/2023 20:30

This is a long winded one sorry in advance.
So today we planned a small party for my youngest daughters 1st birthday. We decided to celebrate a few days early as her birthday is midweek and her dad -my husband- works away during the week and was not meant to be home. He came home early hours friday morning and weng to sleep as he works nights. Later that evening he decided out of the blue that he was going out with friends for a few hours as being away in a hotel all week gives him "cabin fever". I was okay with this and encouraged him to have a good night, reminding him not to stay out too late or drink too much as we had plans the following afternoon, he agreed and ensured me hed be home by 2am the latest. 3 am rolls around and he strolls in, but decides he isnt tired enough for bed so he is going to stay up for "a bit". Fine. Whatever. We have plans for 2pm he can still get a decent amount of sleep and attend. He ended up going to bed at 10 am this morning and when i woke him at 1 to say hes got an hour to get ready, he moaned,rolled over and went back to sleep. I tried to wake him several times before saying f this and just taking our children to his parents, along with the cake i made the night previous and gifts for the party. We have loads of fun at the party and return home around 7. I get the girls to bed and start cleaning the house while he lounges on the sofa watching reruns of a show on Netflix. He then says to me "are you going to strop all night?" I say i think im allowed to be annoyed that you missed the first birthday celebrations that were planned specifically so you could attend.all he had to say back to me was "if im not tired i cant make myself go to sleep, its not my fault i slept all day. I feel like ive wasted the day in bed". Which to me sounds like poor me im tired feel bad for me. So my question is AIBU to be seriously annoyed that he missed the celebrations to spend the day in bed?

OP posts:
LT2 · 07/08/2023 07:11

I have colleagues who work full time in the daytime and that do overtime in the night (sot they do a full day, then are back in at night, then do another full day the next day!). Do they still manage to get their bottoms into work the next day and perform, having had a few hours sleep, if any at all!? Yes they do. So the working nights doesn't wash with me either.

Mummadeze · 07/08/2023 07:18

My partner used to be like this and it was upsetting too. He grew out of the going out / staying up all night and getting hammered thing
but is still selfish in other ways. And has always been weird about special occasions. Sorry he let you down.

Dollmeup · 07/08/2023 07:42

He's an arse, I worked nights when my first was a baby and still made sure I didn't miss special events. If he really cared he would have had a short sleep after finishing work, skipped the night out and just relaxed at home for the night even if he couldn't sleep. That way he could have made it even if he was tired.

dsire74 · 07/08/2023 07:47

HedgehogB · 05/08/2023 20:39

Has no one read the part that he works nights and is away all week? I don’t think he’s an arse he’s exhausted working for his family. Being in a hotel all week is shit I can tell you, so is working nights. Im on the fence here. Yes he should have got up for the party that was rearranged around him but he’s a human not a cash cow. What one year old remembers dad being there. This obsession with dad being at everything winds me up! And I’m the first to moan if DH doesn’t do his share but why torture your poor knackered hard working husband for the sake of appearances. So he stays up, attends the party then crashes his car out of exhaustion on Monday - what then. I’m am similarly irritated by mums who wake working dads for the night feed. Shoot me down.

Exactly this

toomuchlaundry · 07/08/2023 08:12

Some people have such low bars for dads.

Trixiefirecracker · 07/08/2023 08:30

toomuchlaundry · 07/08/2023 08:12

Some people have such low bars for dads.

Exactly. ☹️

Loopylooni · 07/08/2023 08:31

@toomuchlaundry totally agree, why wouldn't you want to be at your child's party? Fine if you worked late but he went out with friends! I'd just think he was a loser because my ex would have done that too.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 07/08/2023 08:31

bunchofboys · 05/08/2023 20:32

What is he? 17? What a twat. Presumably doing drugs hence he couldn't sleep. Seriously consider if you want to be with someone like that before its too late.

That’s a bit of a leap!

Alialio · 07/08/2023 08:39

I understand that night work couldnexhaustnsomeone, but yeah, then don't go on a bender that night before, prioritise you kid/family. I guess it's worth the OP asking."what would happen if I did this"

Ahardyfool · 07/08/2023 08:47

This is a clear cut case:LTB

FOJN · 07/08/2023 09:07

I've worked nights and they can absolutely play havoc with your sleep routine but if you want to have any kind of life at all then you find ways to manage the swap from nights to days when the stint of nights ends. Usually this means sleeping for a few hours after your last night then getting up to have a day time before going to bed for a full night's sleep. You may feel absolutely shattered for the afternoon but it's the only way.

I don't think he was taking drugs but I do think he doesn't feel he needs to establish any kind of routine to make the transition at weekends so he can participate in family life. Does he usually sleep all day at the weekend?

A first birthday party is more for family than the child but the day had been arranged so that dad could attend. If that hadn't been a consideration then OP could have arranged it midweek on the date of their child's actual birthday. I think I would be upset that he hadn't prioritised being fit to attend the party when it had been arranged around him.

I think you need to talk to him about whether his night shift pattern is working for your family. Does he intend to use his shift pattern to excuse himself from parenting until your children have left home?

I appreciate he is working hard for the family and perhaps night shifts are necessary because the pay is better but that does leave OP effectively parenting solo if he cannot transition from nights to days to spend time with his family.

bunchofboys · 07/08/2023 09:31

I've worked nights and my mum worked nights for years. Also travelled extensively for work and needed to be at meetings in the middle of the night etc. He is a selfish bellend. I still think drugs.

lcl · 07/08/2023 09:44

HedgehogB · 05/08/2023 20:39

Has no one read the part that he works nights and is away all week? I don’t think he’s an arse he’s exhausted working for his family. Being in a hotel all week is shit I can tell you, so is working nights. Im on the fence here. Yes he should have got up for the party that was rearranged around him but he’s a human not a cash cow. What one year old remembers dad being there. This obsession with dad being at everything winds me up! And I’m the first to moan if DH doesn’t do his share but why torture your poor knackered hard working husband for the sake of appearances. So he stays up, attends the party then crashes his car out of exhaustion on Monday - what then. I’m am similarly irritated by mums who wake working dads for the night feed. Shoot me down.

This is spot on. Also all these people who are like get rid etc …. They are married with kids maybe work at things. Shows why divorce so sky high.

AnxiousAcademic · 07/08/2023 09:55

To me, this reads as though your DH chose a night out with friends over his child’s first birthday party?
I get he works nights and is away all week, but that would mean he should make more effort with his family when he is around? Couldn’t he have arrange to go out with friends another weekend? Not the weekend that would
mess his sleep up further and mean he missed his daughters 1st birthday party. He isn’t going to be there on her actual day either, so what plans does he have to celebrate her birthday?

i’d be really upset by his actions, but also his total lack of remorse afterwards. Working hard, working away and working nights does not mean you get to act like a dick.

FluffyBenji23 · 07/08/2023 09:57

The very best advice I ever had was 'When someone tells you who they are - believe them...' Sadly it wasn't given until my own marriage had ended or I might have seen the signs earlier and woken up to the fact that my ex had emotionally left years beforehand. This behaviour is totally out of order and selfish. You need to take stock now and decide what you want and if he is prepared to make changes. If you don't it will only get worse - I know!

Balibeli1 · 07/08/2023 11:13

You've heard loads of replies and almost all agreed he is an ass. Here's the thing. If you discussed this with him in advance, and he agreed he would be present and was able to be involved (factoring in his work schedule), and then you planned all this around his availability, and THEN he ditched, he is an ass and this is not cool. In general life if 2 people are committed and are raising a family together, there will be times 1 will need a break due to exhaustion or illness (whatever), but when you agree to a course of action together, you show up. And for a childs 1st birthday... sure the kid won't remember. But the 1st bday is not about the child. It's about mum and dad surviving year 1! They made a living thing. They didnt accidentally make it die. That's a huge achievement! It sounds like a funny and stupid thing to say but it's true. And they have loved this thing for more than that year. Effort, thought, planning goes into keeping that little adorable blob alive for pregnancy, birth and the first few years. So birthday number 1 feels special. You wanted to celebrate this occasion with the other smear of DNA that helped create your blob. You discussed it. You agreed on a plan around his schedule. You looked forward to enjoying this event with your partner. For this, you just do it. It does not matter how much one of you works or the schedule or any of that. And he.... decided not to put in any effort towards celebrating this day with you and your joint blob. And then he belittled your feelings by asking if you were going to 'strop'. This is not normal. A normal response would be to not do it at all. A normal response if he did sleep through anyway, would be to apologise. Accusing you of being a strop is not respectful to your feelings. It's gaslighting. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know you will remember this for a long time. We (in this thread) acknowledge you and your feelings. I hope he realises he has stuffed up and apologises. But.... I have seen and heard this story many many times from my own experience and that of many of my friends and family. I have been married to the king of effwits who started his behaviour exactly like this and it only got worse. And now 25 years later I am with another who will show up even when his DNA isnt smooshed into my offspring. Because when my partner and I agree to a plan, and we agree to do something such as this at a certain point in the future, he backs me by showing up.

eastegg · 07/08/2023 11:27

Chesneyhawkes1 · 05/08/2023 21:12

When you've been working nights it's normal to not be able to sleep - nothing to do with drugs.

I come off night shift and purposely only have 3 hours sleep so I can hopefully sleep that night. Normally I'll still be awake at 4/5am as that's what my body is used to.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. If the DH had done what you do, he’d have been ok for his child’s party. Could have planned ahead and worked out how to get some sleep in. Instead of going out with his mates and staying up til 10am. The night shifts are no excuse here.

BrawnWild · 07/08/2023 11:32

The fact he doesnt give a shit he missed her party says it all.

Poor self control and has his priorities all wrong in life. All about him.

He even managed to turn his week of solitude into a poor me victim situation. Never mind you've ben run ragged looking after house and kids and sorting a party. What did he do for it? Nothing. He didnt even turn up. Fuck him.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 07/08/2023 11:34

@eastegg yeah he was in the wrong totally - but everyone assuming he's on drugs is a bit of a stretch 😂

You just gotta get on with life and walk around like a zombie after nights!

Notanotherusernameplease · 07/08/2023 12:00

CrazyArmadilloLady · 06/08/2023 21:21

And all of those making daft comments like this, clearly hold men to a pathetically lower standard than women.

There are plenty of nurses, for example, on here who wouldn’t come home at 2 (or was it 3?)am from a night of boozing with their mates (not actually doing their night shift work 🙄), and then sit up until 10am, and miss their kids birthday.

Nobody’s asking the man to solve the middle eastern crisis, or fly to the moon.

Just to do nothing more or less than his partner does.

So many people thinking because he’s a bloke, he gets to opt out.

I’m glad I don’t live in that world.

Show quote history

Stop getting hysterical. I didn’t say for a minute he’s able to opt out and I certainly wouldn’t stand for that shit myself. My husband and I, who have been married for nearly thirty years have both had 30 year careers working full shifts. Neither of us behaved like this. I was merely pointing out that working shifts can totally cock your body clock up. His other behaviour is a separate issue. I didn’t think i would actually need to point out that his behaviour was bad. It was kind of obvious to all.

eastegg · 07/08/2023 12:04

Chesneyhawkes1 · 07/08/2023 11:34

@eastegg yeah he was in the wrong totally - but everyone assuming he's on drugs is a bit of a stretch 😂

You just gotta get on with life and walk around like a zombie after nights!

Yes totally agree the drugs thing is a stretch. Also a red herring. As you and I seem to agree, he’s in the wrong anyway!

Ellyess · 07/08/2023 12:48

He's a selfish arse, as has been said. I think you should seriously keep this and other examples on a list for the divorce.
Mine did similar. My DD was having 6th birthday party. He would not come to any of it. We lived in a 400 yr old house opening straight onto High Street, because of my job then. When the parents came to collect their children I had to leave the other children on their own while I went to the door. A dear friend and colleague came by, saw the balloons and came in. He looked after the children in the house while I handed out presents and cake and took each child to the front door as the parents collected them. My DH stayed upstairs avoiding everything.

Shortandpale · 07/08/2023 13:04

My dad did shift work in the 1970s but would never have treated my mum or me and my siblings like this.

I don't get why people are saying you're unfair because he works nights- he wasn't working the night before the party in his parents house, he was out with friends. Some very very low bars here.

Petrarkanian · 07/08/2023 13:21

My dad worked nights his whole life 5pm-4am printing newspapers. He never missed anything.
Your husband is an arse.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 07/08/2023 18:00

Notanotherusernameplease · 07/08/2023 12:00

Stop getting hysterical. I didn’t say for a minute he’s able to opt out and I certainly wouldn’t stand for that shit myself. My husband and I, who have been married for nearly thirty years have both had 30 year careers working full shifts. Neither of us behaved like this. I was merely pointing out that working shifts can totally cock your body clock up. His other behaviour is a separate issue. I didn’t think i would actually need to point out that his behaviour was bad. It was kind of obvious to all.

Show quote history

But nobody with half a clue needs to have it explained that night shifts mess with your body clock….?

To quote you, it’s kind of obvious to all.

It’s his behaviour - that ‘separate issue’, as you point out - that the OP has the issue with.

You know, having the event arranged specifically for him - and then him going out boozing until 3, sitting up until 10am, missing the event (that had arranged to accommodate him), and then getting arsey with the OP. None of that is to do with his night shifts.