Husband slept through daughters first birthday celebration

[Mimsymumsymoo]

This is a long winded one sorry in advance.
So today we planned a small party for my youngest daughters 1st birthday. We decided to celebrate a few days early as her birthday is midweek and her dad -my husband- works away during the week and was not meant to be home. He came home early hours friday morning and weng to sleep as he works nights. Later that evening he decided out of the blue that he was going out with friends for a few hours as being away in a hotel all week gives him "cabin fever". I was okay with this and encouraged him to have a good night, reminding him not to stay out too late or drink too much as we had plans the following afternoon, he agreed and ensured me hed be home by 2am the latest. 3 am rolls around and he strolls in, but decides he isnt tired enough for bed so he is going to stay up for "a bit". Fine. Whatever. We have plans for 2pm he can still get a decent amount of sleep and attend. He ended up going to bed at 10 am this morning and when i woke him at 1 to say hes got an hour to get ready, he moaned,rolled over and went back to sleep. I tried to wake him several times before saying f this and just taking our children to his parents, along with the cake i made the night previous and gifts for the party. We have loads of fun at the party and return home around 7. I get the girls to bed and start cleaning the house while he lounges on the sofa watching reruns of a show on Netflix. He then says to me "are you going to strop all night?" I say i think im allowed to be annoyed that you missed the first birthday celebrations that were planned specifically so you could attend.all he had to say back to me was "if im not tired i cant make myself go to sleep, its not my fault i slept all day. I feel like ive wasted the day in bed". Which to me sounds like poor me im tired feel bad for me. So my question is AIBU to be seriously annoyed that he missed the celebrations to spend the day in bed?

Not a chance my DH would miss birthday celebrations for our son. He’s being a dick.

I agree with clefable - my father wasn’t at a single birthday, never even called to wish me happy birthday. His secretary did send flowers but she always got my name wrong. It was heartbreaking then and it is now thinking about it. He may however be having a bit of a crisis? Often happens to Dads about a year in….

@evian76 this isn't the only child

on one hand, I get the "just can't get to sleep" thing. On the other hand, I have gone several days in a row with only a few hours of sleep each day, I think he could have survived a few hours for the birthday and then went back home to sleep. Or just do the same as tons of dads and single aunts, go to the party, have cake, and then fall asleep while everyone else chats.

I’d be fucking livid !!

You can tell that the people commenting have never worked a week of nights.

What a defensive, immature little excuse for a dad.

He should feel very embarrassed, I bet his family thought he was an arsehole and probably felt sorry for you. The fact you then came home and tidied while he sat on his arse.

Sounds like you need to have a proper conversation. He's not treating you, or the family unit, with respect.

So do mums who work nights sleep through child's birthday parties @starfro?

But he worked a week of nights and then went out drinking with his mates, the day before the party.

There is no way he would be awake all night just on drink after a week doing night shifts unless he was using cocaine.
10am the next morning after working a whole week doing nights????? No way

You say he doesn't take drugs. Im pretty sure he does. I could understand him staying up until 10am if he hadn't been drinking and does night shifts but he was drinking alcohol no one drinks alcohol and then stays up until 10am without the help of cocaine. I've known a lot of women be totally in the dark about their husbands cocaine use. The only time I've not been able to actually wake my partner in the morning (ex dh and ex bf) is after a drug binge

Oh … then that’s a different story. He’s behaving terribly, maybe talk to him about the consequences on your child of him missing future birthdays, it’s so weird that he wouldn’t want to be there. What’s he going to say when you look back in the photos and your child says where’s Daddy. If he doesn’t care, I’d consider leaving him. There are so many lovely people out there who would be there for you

Oh I worked nights for years. During which i didn't go out drinking the night before one of my kids birthdays (obviously drinking and most likely taking cocaine) until 10am and not be able to even be woken the next day 🤦‍♀️

Sounds like my ex, who still carries on like that leaves all responsibility of his children to me.
you see the worst thing in my eyes is not just that he went out, obviously took drugs knowing how special the following day was, knowing he was going to miss her Birthday, but he isn’t even apologetic for what he has done. Now that is the serious danger sign of what type of person he is.

Sounds very similar to my ex husband, who also worked nights, would also stay up til mid morning, then sleep all day, leaving me to pick up the slack with childcare & all the household tasks. (He would then moan about my lack of financial contribution towards the household, too, because, well, he was a prize d*ck!). He would regularly pull this kind of stunt, making it difficult or impossible to socialise, putting a wedge between me and friends/family. However, when it came to playing golf, he could miraculously make do on a couple of hours of sleep before getting up bright eyed and bushy tailed at 5 or 6am! If this is "normal" behaviour for your DH, don't be fooled - it's NOT normal. I don't doubt that you are also sleep deprived and would love a night out with friends after a hard week? You are a single parent with an extra overgrown child to parent in addition to your little ones. I put up with this rubbish for 10 years & wish I had read the riot act before his behaviour deteriorated further.
You are being far too reasonable. Tell him he needs to grow up, man up, and start treating you with some respect, otherwise he will be solo parenting 50% of the time which will make his job very difficult.
(Be aware, though, that it is more likely that you will end up doing 100% of the solo parenting - my ex hasn't done a single hour of parenting for over 6 years now. Still easier than when I had him around being flakey, though).
Good luck x What he is doing is a form of abuse, so please put an end to it somehow x

This smacks so much of my childs father, we split when she was a toddler for his coke habit and yep, 15 years later he's still doing the same old shit like he's still in his early 20's. Holds down a responsible job but sniffs like he lives in a crack den! Do like I did, take your baby and run for the hills! He's on a very slippery slope and it will just get worse if he cannot already commit to your childs 1st birthday plans, fucking selfish prick! Your child will become YOUR child because the coke has already won. And what is he doing whilst working away from home, probably more drugs that has pushed him to need?? to do this to you and you child?? Get Out!
To the post about poor darling working shifts, plenty of us out there do severe shift work, not just lates, who manage our time responsibly, he's in a hotel ffs, no crying baby, no dinners to make, no chores, he's living a singleton life and taking the upmost piss

Working nights is tough,
But.
His wife had to take the kids to a party at HIS parents. It was a family party. He could have napped in the car there and back and gone to bed early.
Staying up until 10 am.? come on.
Its not like he's shown any regret whatsoever instead it's the whining
"its not my fault i slept all day. I feel like ive wasted the day in bed".
It is his fault
and yes he has wasted all day in bed. He had Sunday to recover.
I'd be fed up with this behaviour.
As for saying it didn't matter because the DC was only 1. It was his whole family. He was absent. Doesn't bode well for when they are five or 10 if he thinks their birthdays don't matter or that they "won't remember anyway." quite sure OP will remember.

He didn't miss his child's first birthday because he works nights, he missed it because he chose to go out drinking with his mates until 3am and then didn't go to bed until 10am. He then had a little pity party over having spent the day in bed rather than apologising for his selfish behaviour. Grown men aren't babies, stop indulging them.

I first thought he’s taken drugs, but then remembered he’s working nights. This can put a serious strain on a persons wellbeing physically and mentally, so I don’t think anyone on here can really judge his actions, but you really need to discuss how to address whatever he is struggling with as you can’t just turn a blind eye and put up with it either.

I’ve also worked away all week in hotels and I literally can not wait to get home and spend time with my family, and if DS 1st or any birthday party was the following day I’d be 100% present and correct. He didn’t ‘cock up’ or make a mistake he deliberative behaved like an arsehole.

Sorry but we should have better standards.

My dad was at all my birthday parties. Every one.

OP forgive me, I am probably a lot older than your grannie. But

• your child will not understand/remember ANY of this. It will not harm them. So, from their point of view (and of course you wish the best for them) it is simply not an issue.

• I come from a generation when first birthday paries would have just not have happened or been understood. In those days, birthday parties were for the child old-enough-to comprehend (about 5-6-7 upwards) and his/her friends to enjoy. This enjoyment had had NOTHING to do with the parents - how many adults genuinely enjoy playing juvenile party games?? As a child at the time, I can't remember any of the fun, just the very pretty but incredibly uncomfortable hand-ironed -and starched - organdie frocks that we were told to wear. Presumably, our mother felt proud of us; I still have the old studio b/w portraits that she paid for. But they, and the other clothes, did nothing to make us happy. Message = to quite a few children, clothes do not matter.
• Fathers did not come to those birthday parties. What could they do? They arrived towards the end in the family car, and often skulked outside, chatting to other men until child party-goers were ready to leave. In no way were they part of any festivities.

• You need to think carefully about why you are are cross with your husband. I'm not saying that you are wrong to be angry. What I am saying is that you and he (ideally together) need to undstand why you are so upset. (As you clearly, genuinely are.) .
• If he drinks too much/takes drugs then that is indeed a real issue.
• * If he can't see why you are so upset about an event that your mutual child won't remember the I have rather more sympathy with him
• But - for heaven's sake - talk, talk ,talk to each other like rational adults,

Very best of luck.

I don't know about the drugs, and I've had a night job myself so I know what it does to the body clock. However, it was extremely selfish of him to go out drinking with his mates and staying up all night knowing full well it would be his child's birthday party the next day. He had a day to rest up before the party but instead he chose to go out drinking until the small hours and then stay up until 10am without a care for anyone else.

Your DH sounds like an immature wanker and you have every right to be disappointed in him. If he keeps doing stuff like this think about whether you want to stay married to him.

Mumsnet is full of stories like this, useless men that get away with absolutely crappy, selfish, unthoughtful behaviour and the poor wives having to check with other anonymous strangers whether the rubbish behaviour is acceptable or not. I mean, it’s not okay. Any of it. Why are we women always second guessing ourselves but more importantly, why do we think it’s okay to accept this kind of behaviour and just let them carry on behaving like arses? Unbelievable.

Misses his daughter’s first birthday because he was coked up the night before? Fucking scumbag.

I’ve worked nights before. They are hard going but wouldn’t stop me dragging myself out of bet for my child’s first birthday.

I have, and do, regularly. I think he is pathetic and a disgusting excuse of a partner and dad.