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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband slept through daughters first birthday celebration

327 replies

Mimsymumsymoo · 05/08/2023 20:30

This is a long winded one sorry in advance.
So today we planned a small party for my youngest daughters 1st birthday. We decided to celebrate a few days early as her birthday is midweek and her dad -my husband- works away during the week and was not meant to be home. He came home early hours friday morning and weng to sleep as he works nights. Later that evening he decided out of the blue that he was going out with friends for a few hours as being away in a hotel all week gives him "cabin fever". I was okay with this and encouraged him to have a good night, reminding him not to stay out too late or drink too much as we had plans the following afternoon, he agreed and ensured me hed be home by 2am the latest. 3 am rolls around and he strolls in, but decides he isnt tired enough for bed so he is going to stay up for "a bit". Fine. Whatever. We have plans for 2pm he can still get a decent amount of sleep and attend. He ended up going to bed at 10 am this morning and when i woke him at 1 to say hes got an hour to get ready, he moaned,rolled over and went back to sleep. I tried to wake him several times before saying f this and just taking our children to his parents, along with the cake i made the night previous and gifts for the party. We have loads of fun at the party and return home around 7. I get the girls to bed and start cleaning the house while he lounges on the sofa watching reruns of a show on Netflix. He then says to me "are you going to strop all night?" I say i think im allowed to be annoyed that you missed the first birthday celebrations that were planned specifically so you could attend.all he had to say back to me was "if im not tired i cant make myself go to sleep, its not my fault i slept all day. I feel like ive wasted the day in bed". Which to me sounds like poor me im tired feel bad for me. So my question is AIBU to be seriously annoyed that he missed the celebrations to spend the day in bed?

OP posts:
CrazyArmadilloLady · 06/08/2023 21:23

Morgysmum · 06/08/2023 21:15

To all the people saying he is doing drugs, I guess you guys have never done a night shift? It messes with your body clock. You get use to been up all night and so not been tired at 3am is standard.
My partner does lates, he gets in a routine of coming home at 11:30 and sleeping till 2 am. He then wakes at 10:30 am. If he wakes before on, say as on his day off, he is grumpy, still does stuff, but is grumpy.
If he is working nights all week, it not like he can go back to sleeping normal, that will take a good few days.
He should have set his alarm and tried, or at least apologise for not going.

Conveniently miss him boozing with his mates until the small hours, and then sitting up until 10am.

See my post under yours….

zurala · 06/08/2023 21:35

So many pick-me cool wives on this thread.

This would be a total deal-breaker for me, I wouldn't even be able to look at him and would ensure he wasn't my husband in time for the next birthday. What a waste of selfish side he is. You can do so much better OP.

zurala · 06/08/2023 21:35

Side = space

Faith77 · 06/08/2023 21:36

starfro · 06/08/2023 18:05

You can tell that the people commenting have never worked a week of nights.

Really? I worked nights whilst pregnant. Still managed to attend daytime appointments despite being knackered from growing a human! I didn't have the luxury of being in a hotel, having all my meals cooked, washing done, and someone cleaning up after me, either. He could have coped had he wanted to, and if he hadn't been so irresponsible the night before.

Greenshed · 06/08/2023 21:37

Utter selfish b’stard, in my view. Rubbish excuse that he’s been working all week away from home therefore can go out for drinkies with his mates when he comes home, stay out later than agreed, not to go to bed in enough time to be awake to enjoy his child’s birthday. His priorities are all mixed up in my opinion - thinks he should come first. Sorry, but once you have kids, this is not so.

Duckingella · 06/08/2023 21:43

He deliberately missed his kid's birthday party through selfishness when he should have been there.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

Jadeywithababy · 06/08/2023 21:57

He works nights. It’s the equivalent of someone planning an event at 2am during the weekend when you’ve worked away all week and then being angry that a couple of hours sleep wasn’t enough recovery time for you to attend it. Of course it would have been lovely if he could have attended but it’s also not reasonable to be angry if he couldn’t just switch his sleep cycle in one day. People are making wild accusations about drugs but the effects of sleep deprivation can be just as debilitating. I vote to cut him some slack but maybe encourage him to be more realistic about committing to events that may not be achievable to avoid disappointment in the future.

MumToCaptainChaos · 06/08/2023 21:59

Your husband has told you very very clearly that you and his daughter are not important to him, he has been away all week and then given priority to seeing his friends above celebrating his daughters 1st birthday. His response is not to recognise this and instead he has then proceeded to gas-light you to make you think what he has done is ok. I'd also be interested in what his parents had to say about him not bothering to turn up to his childs own birthday party.

Mumof32017 · 06/08/2023 21:59

toomuchlaundry · 06/08/2023 18:07

So do mums who work nights sleep through child's birthday parties @starfro?

No, I haven’t missed a child’s party. I’ve always made it a priority because I’m not an asshole.

Bugbabe1970 · 06/08/2023 22:18

He's taken coke
No one who's done all those nights shifts then gone on the piss with his mates would be able to stay awake until 10am

What a knob OP - not the end of the world but his attitude about it stinks. He should have at least apologised to you and tried to make up for being such a knob!

Bugbabe1970 · 06/08/2023 22:19

HedgehogB
Has no one read the part that he works nights and is away all week? I don’t think he’s an arse he’s exhausted working for his family. Being in a hotel all week is shit I can tell you, so is working nights. Im on the fence here. Yes he should have got up for the party that was rearranged around him but he’s a human not a cash cow. What one year old remembers dad being there. This obsession with dad being at everything winds me up! And I’m the first to moan if DH doesn’t do his share but why torture your poor knackered hard working husband for the sake of appearances. So he stays up, attends the party then crashes his car out of exhaustion on Monday - what then. I’m am similarly irritated by mums who wake working dads for the night feed. Shoot me down.

Did you miss the part where it did he was out partying and stayed up until 10am???

ElfieLea · 06/08/2023 22:21

Does he have a habit of being such a prick on special occasions? If there's a pattern it would say a lot.

I wouldn't assume drugs except for the fact you said he doesn't drink often, so you'd expect him to pass out regardless of his sleep pattern. Although I wouldn't t be surprised if it was nightly alone in a hotel all week.

I can't believe all the he works so hard brigade. He might be working nights but it's not anymore hours than someone working days and he has the benefit of zero responsibility when he comes home. He doesn't have to cook for himself or even change the bed once a week and couldn't be bothered to put the kids to bed that night.

YANBU he's a complete dickhead and if it's really out of character I'd be suspicious of why he seems to of checked out.

matchamate · 06/08/2023 22:22

Ltb

ElfieLea · 06/08/2023 22:23

How did his family react? If there weren't surprised and disgusted then I'd guess he's always been that way and never going to change.

Bugbabe1970 · 06/08/2023 22:24

jonahjones · 05/08/2023 21:08

This is something my dp would've done. infact he's missed most of the dcs parties. he's got up to see the dc open their Christmas presents on Xmas morning once in 15 years! he's just not interested in stuff like that. The kids have never mentioned being bothered by it. I must admit his lack of interest has seriously pissed me off over the years and I cannot understand how any parent doesn't want to see the look on dcs faces whilst opening gifts etc. but he's just not like me and maybe it's a man thing. I must say my dad was the same had no interest in my birthdays or Christmas so I've not expirenced men being any different.
Dp will participate in family days out etc though.

This is very sad and I feel very sorry for you and your children - and yes this will have an impact on them. What a knob your H is

Alcemeg · 06/08/2023 22:57

HedgehogB · 05/08/2023 20:39

Has no one read the part that he works nights and is away all week? I don’t think he’s an arse he’s exhausted working for his family. Being in a hotel all week is shit I can tell you, so is working nights. Im on the fence here. Yes he should have got up for the party that was rearranged around him but he’s a human not a cash cow. What one year old remembers dad being there. This obsession with dad being at everything winds me up! And I’m the first to moan if DH doesn’t do his share but why torture your poor knackered hard working husband for the sake of appearances. So he stays up, attends the party then crashes his car out of exhaustion on Monday - what then. I’m am similarly irritated by mums who wake working dads for the night feed. Shoot me down.

I agree... And the point of a 1st birthday party is what, exactly?! OK a nice celebration for the adults, but you can do that privately too when not knackered x

Tessabelle74 · 06/08/2023 23:10

My husband finishes a run of nights at his stressful nursing job, gets a couple of hours of sleep and takes us all out for the day as he feels he's missed the kids too much being on nights! No way there's any excuse for missing an important celebration, he's an absolute dick!

DVL · 06/08/2023 23:38

My OH doesn’t work nights but does work very hard and gets up early every day to do so. It’s absolutely no excuse to miss birthday celebrations I would be FUMING and it would not be lived down. Granted your baby won’t remember it but parenting is a team effort and these memories are just as much for us as they are for them

lulublue32 · 06/08/2023 23:48

He’s a loser. I work night shifts so I fully understand the challenges of turning your body clock around after a run of nights BUT, knowing his last night finished on Friday morning, he should have made himself get up at lunchtime so he was ready to sleep Friday night. Sometimes with the best will in the world, even though you’re exhausted, you can’t sleep at night but he should have got into bed at 3am and rested so he could make his daughters 1st birthday party! He prioritised a lads night over his baby.

Michellelovesizzy · 07/08/2023 05:58

Obviously his body clock is out so he couldn’t sleep when he got in. It’s shitty he missed the party I would be pissed of 2 and yes I would probably strop all night. You r in the right here he should be begging 4 forgiveness and helping to tidy up. It’s not the end of the world thou ur husband sounds like he works hard to provide and staying way must shit 4 him. He went out missed the party it’s forgivable op x

ChaToilLeam · 07/08/2023 06:19

Lots of people work nights and manage not to be arses. There was no need for him to stay out till stupid o’ clock with his mates. I have a feeling working away suits him, he doesn’t have to participate in family life that way.

Missing out on his child’s first birthday party because he was out boozing then up all night is shabby as fuck. A serious talk is in order.

MustBeGinOclock · 07/08/2023 06:30

FionnulaTheCooler · 05/08/2023 20:36

He behaved like an arse but I'm not sure I agree that he must have been taking drugs. He's been working nights, wouldn't that be enough to mess with your sleeping pattern?

I work nights and trust me it buggers your sleep pattern right up. I can relate to not eing able to force himself to sleep but he should have got up attended party then got some kip. Utter ar@e.

T1Dmama · 07/08/2023 06:37

It’s not the ‘sleeping all day’ that would annoy me, but I’d be pissed at him planning a night out the night before his daughters 1st birthday, knowing full well that he’d be tired the next day.
Nights or not, alcohol makes you pretty sleepy… (I’ve worked nights and have checked out of a whole day!)
But even more so… I’d be pissed off most at his attitude about it! No remorse for missing it, and in fact instead of feeling bad about missing it he’s being an arse!

I could forgive an ‘oh my god I missed her birthday, I feel awful!’ But not a ‘whats your problem!?’ Attitude!

Permanentlymildlymiffed · 07/08/2023 06:44

Clefable · 05/08/2023 20:35

What a tosser. He's telling you how unimportant his family is to him. Listen.

This, if you let this slide this is what will continue.

Howlongdoesittake · 07/08/2023 07:10

Working nights isn't an excuse. He is in a hotel all week so can sleep as much as he likes in peace with no children making a noise.

My daughter works nights and still manages to live a full life and attend family events, meet up with friends for coffee etc.

He is an arse who, as others have said, won't change.

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