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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think divorce is selfish?

316 replies

Readyforafallout · 05/08/2023 17:31

( Totally different for abusive relationships so not including those in this post)

Am I wrong to think that the following are excuses for basically gaining a moral green light for being selfish and swapping your own discontent for a child’s upheaval and distress ?

’ Kids are resilient’
‘ they will pick up on it so you are better of to divorce !’ ( even if the parents DO hide it well, people being convinced they will notice feels again an excuse)
‘ You only have one life OP! …’ ( so do the children)

it just seems that people ‘ grow apart…’
‘ want different things’ and put themselves ahead of their children…. I know this is likely an unpopular opinion
but hearing how ‘ brave ‘ people are for ‘ having the guts to do something about their situation’ seems selfish to me ….

because the children’s world are being opened to who knows who!…. As potential step parents !…. Complete upheaval And emotional distress … That’s worse than ‘ picking up’ on not much in my opinion .

it’s not a post intended to be unkind to divorces but more to not hold it in the highest regard like some achievement of braveness. It feels selfish ?

OP posts:
pointythings · 05/08/2023 19:50

as you mentioned, physical abuse, etc

So emotional abuse, sexual abuse, psychological/financial abuse are all OK? Disrespect, laziness and selfishness from one partner are all OK? What a sad world we live in, and what lessons do children learn from one parent staying in that kind of relationship and allowing themselves to be treated like that?

Sailingthissummer · 05/08/2023 19:55

FOJN · 05/08/2023 19:48

Christ the stupidity of the morally superior is truly something to behold.

I used to beg my parents to divorce. There wasn't any significant violence just tension everyday and I mean every single day, constant bickering and some plate smashing. Performative suitcase packing as 5 year old me sobbed because mummy was leaving as she tried to manipulate my father into being less of a useless arsehole. My parents had no respect for each other, I thought it was normal.

My relationship template was fucked before I even had a chance.

If you are incapable of providing a secure and mostly harmonious home for you children then it is selfish not to divorce.

I agree. Peace and harmony is essential.

BungleandGeorge · 05/08/2023 19:57

Generally it’s best not to judge people when you have no idea what’s going on. What’s your Barr for ‘abuse’ because virtually all the divorces I know involved some sort of low level abusive behaviour. But many people seem to think that’s acceptable in a marrriage

WeWereInParis · 05/08/2023 19:58

Yes, I think it can be selfish. I also think it's totally reasonable to be selfish at times. Who you're married to is hardly an unimportant aspect of your life, I think it's fine to put yourself first there (when it comes to divorce I mean, not when it comes to remarrying someone who is a dick to your children).

I'm not divorced, so I'm not just defending my own decisions here.

DojaPhat · 05/08/2023 19:59

I think we have a winner for this Weekend's 'Wind Them and Watch Them Go' award! All competition rules were followed including the requisite name-change, the thread was created on a weekend late-afternoon/evening period, and the OP did explicitly declare they would not be 'yet' responding to their thread leaving ample time for all to work themselves up into a 30-page thread frenzy.

🏆

NewNovember · 05/08/2023 19:59

Sirzy · 05/08/2023 17:36

I don’t agree it is selfish but even if it is what’s wrong with being selfish sometimes? Especially when it involves the rest of your life?

It's selfish to put your wants before your children's needs. Children do better in life with two married parents.

greydressinggownofdoom · 05/08/2023 20:01

NewNovember · 05/08/2023 19:59

It's selfish to put your wants before your children's needs. Children do better in life with two married parents.

Show quote history

When one is shagging elsewhere?

Well that's just wonderful

Meowandthen · 05/08/2023 20:02

Give yourself a gold star for ignorant judging.

greydressinggownofdoom · 05/08/2023 20:02

FigAndOlive · 05/08/2023 19:44

I agree with you, OP. Marriage might be the most important decision of one’s life. It may not be fair, but this is adult life, you chose your spouse, you decided to get married and have kids, there’s not an easy way out of this and your cushy feelings should not rule your life… I don’t like broccoli but I still eat because I am not a baby. I think safest option is to chose spouse with wisdom (which people don’t usually do, they tend to ignore all the red flags) and once you decide to marry and have kids you need to know the first rule is always fight for your marriage, no matter what (very few exceptions, as you mentioned, physical abuse, etc). I don’t get this “you only have one life” thing either, yes, I only have one life but you wouldn’t advise someone to throw a kid in the street if they get disabled or letting a parent rot if they are sick just because it is hard work to look after them. I’d rather have a not so pleasant life but know that in my deathbed I did the right decisions and didn’t run away from my duties. So yes, I find having a divorce some sort of weakness not something to be proud of (very few exceptions aside).

What are the exceptions?

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/08/2023 20:03

NewNovember · 05/08/2023 19:59

It's selfish to put your wants before your children's needs. Children do better in life with two married parents.

Show quote history

Children do better in life with happy parents. Sometimes they will be married, sometimes they won't.

Doggytastic · 05/08/2023 20:03

Have you wanted a divorce and you feel it’s too selfish so haven’t? Or have you never been in that position before? If you haven’t then how can you possibly comment?

Sadlysadsad · 05/08/2023 20:06

My parents did not divorce.
God I wish they had because they screwed all of us up. Life was awful, tensions, arguments, and us kids caught in the cross fire.

I am now divorced. This was a DV situation, but I have no doubt that my childhood experiences meant that I had no idea what a normal relationship was like, and what normal boundaries were. I thought arguing was how marriage was.

Even if it hadn’t been a DV situation, it would not have been selfish to have divorced. My children were exposed to too much.

No one fully knows why a couple divorce and I’d say it was rare they just “grew apart” there is usually more to it, but as a parent you want the best for your children, but not necessarily at the expense of the rest of your life.

StopStartStop · 05/08/2023 20:07

It doesn't help children if parents stay together when one or both are unhappy.

greydressinggownofdoom · 05/08/2023 20:08

NewNovember · 05/08/2023 19:59

It's selfish to put your wants before your children's needs. Children do better in life with two married parents.

Show quote history

This is honestly one of the most ignorant comments I've ever read on here and I want to come back to it.

I was married. My (now ex) husband was shagging elsewhere.

How would it have been better for my children to model a relationship where dad can go out where he wants and fuck whoever he likes because they will do better with married parents? Even when it's causing rows in the house, and their mum is thinking she's going mad but he's telling her she's not, and he's spending money on his fuckmate not his family but that's ok because children need married parents.

1950 called. It wants its attitudes back. FFS.

WeetabixTowels · 05/08/2023 20:09

I think the only thing more selfish is living with the misguided belief that kids won’t pick up on the misery, hostility and awkwardness of living with two miserable parents in a home where the atmosphere is unbearable.

My OH said when his parents finally announced their separation, he was 9, and so so relieved. He was sick of the fighting when they thought he couldn’t hear, of the stilted atmosphere and the blatantly obvious hatred they showed for each other.

HardieHa · 05/08/2023 20:09

My parents were both very selfish people but them getting divorced was NOT a bad thing, it's one f the few positives in my childhood. Now if they'd just not spent the next 35 years bitching and lying about each other, that would have made it even better!

Mari9999 · 05/08/2023 20:10

@FigAndOlive
Marriage is not the most important decision that you make. Marriage is usually made for selfish reasons: love, companionship, sex, a desire to share your life, financial security, status, a desire to have children, etc.

The most important decision in your life is the way that you choose to rear your children. Your children will always have a father and a mother, even if those people are not together. What children do not need are to be the sacrificial lambs on your altar of marital martyrdom.
That is not doing what is best for your children , that is usually fear that you are not equipped to take on full-time responsibility for your children.

Noicant · 05/08/2023 20:11

My parents loathed each other, made for a very unhappy home tbh.

pamplemoussemousse · 05/08/2023 20:11

DojaPhat · 05/08/2023 19:59

I think we have a winner for this Weekend's 'Wind Them and Watch Them Go' award! All competition rules were followed including the requisite name-change, the thread was created on a weekend late-afternoon/evening period, and the OP did explicitly declare they would not be 'yet' responding to their thread leaving ample time for all to work themselves up into a 30-page thread frenzy.

🏆

Amen to that

Doggymummar · 05/08/2023 20:11

I've divorced three times, maybe it is selfish to guard your own mental health and sanity. Weird thread to start.

TreesandFish · 05/08/2023 20:12

I completely disagree. Children do well in a happy environment, and an unhappy marriage cannot produce a happy environment. I got divorced because I'm realistic and I could see how unhappy everyone was. I'm not a martyr. We all became much more relaxed after the separation , DC included!

JANEY205 · 05/08/2023 20:12

No, I think it’s selfish to stay in an and marriage as expect your children to endure it. They WILL be aware of what is going on even if you think they aren’t.

greydressinggownofdoom · 05/08/2023 20:13

My kids see me being happy.

relaxed.

not feeling like I'm crazy or being gaslit

With a respectful partner

How is that a bad thing?

As opposed to seeing their mother having to know their father is fucking someone else and standing and lying to her face about it? And thinking I was crazy because he told me I was.

Isthisexpected · 05/08/2023 20:16

Newphony · 05/08/2023 17:48

Yes I agree, exposing children to step parents is far more damaging. They rarely have the children's best interests at heart. Mostly just out for themselves.

I was thinking this. It isn't the divorce is any following/step relationship drama that is selfish.

ZenNudist · 05/08/2023 20:20

I think step parents, blended families and new relationships are very damaging to children. So is staying in a marriage that isn't working. My parents and in laws both couples stayed together. Can't say it's been a good thing.