To think divorce is selfish?

[Readyforafallout]

( Totally different for abusive relationships so not including those in this post)

Am I wrong to think that the following are excuses for basically gaining a moral green light for being selfish and swapping your own discontent for a child’s upheaval and distress ?

’ Kids are resilient’
‘ they will pick up on it so you are better of to divorce !’ ( even if the parents DO hide it well, people being convinced they will notice feels again an excuse)
‘ You only have one life OP! …’ ( so do the children)

it just seems that people ‘ grow apart…’
‘ want different things’ and put themselves ahead of their children…. I know this is likely an unpopular opinion
but hearing how ‘ brave ‘ people are for ‘ having the guts to do something about their situation’ seems selfish to me ….

because the children’s world are being opened to who knows who!…. As potential step parents !…. Complete upheaval And emotional distress … That’s worse than ‘ picking up’ on not much in my opinion .

it’s not a post intended to be unkind to divorces but more to not hold it in the highest regard like some achievement of braveness. It feels selfish ?

Staying is the easiest choice, it's the weak choice. It takes strength to walk away and put your children and their right to a happy home, not a miserable one, first.

I agree.

Sometimes it's selfish to not divorce.

The adults don't want the upheaval to affect them so they use the kids as an excuse to stay even though it's not really in their best interests.

Generally if a couple are at the point of considering divorce then things are bad, if they don't divorce then things are actually likely to get worse and more intolerable as time goes on, not stay the same.

I divorced my ex when I found out about his affair. Had I stayed it would have shown DD that it was ok for a woman to be treated badly my a man and I was sure as hell not going to convey that message to her, both she and I are worth so much more than that.

Same, so glad I showed my dc a boy and a girl thar you do not stick around for more.

You haven't got a clue what you're talking about OP.

More people use kids and other things as an excuse to stay.

My parents divorced messy at the time (affair) but both married their next partner and have been together with them for 20+ years. Obviously divorces and step families have bumps in the road but I now have a huge family, 4 parents, lots of step siblings and we are all so close. Best thing my parents ever did.

People who dont like the idea of divorce often consider the 2.4 kids set up the ideal. It wasnt for us. My brother and I had a close age gap and we fought and competed constantly. Nothing my parents did to create that environment but we were just toxic to eachother.

With space and step siblings, we had a much more mellow relationship.

Even leaving aside the divorce, my brother and I didnt thrive in our relationship. More siblings and less intensity was better for us.

It is scary. I can see why people use kids as an excuse to be passive and do nothing.

I think I told everybody Im terrified. I left, but I was terrified of the future and it took 9 years before I woke up (not literally) and realised, I have a secure place to live, I have a secure job, I actually have some small savings so I could weather losing this secure job and find another before I lost my home, my DC are in school, my health is good, I have a pension.............................

But my five year financial recovery plan took 9 years and yeh, at times i experienced anxiety about the future.

Which kids are going to say they are happy mum and dad stuck it out for them? When should they divorce, OP? After Promary school? Secondary? University? After the kids' wedding? Grandchildren? Never? There is never a good time to get divorced.

My friends parents were married and seemed like nice normal parents. Divorced when my friend was 20ish. She went right off the rails as she had access to drink and party drugs. So specifically, when should her parents have divorced?

I often wish my parents had divorced. I wouldn’t have had some of the lovely things I did, but then I wouldn’t know that if they had.
Instead they have stayed together into their 60s, have a horrible relationship and are both pretty miserable. It’s also massively affected me - as the youngest I was there for the longest through the worst bits - in the way that I am with relationships, which is something I’ve only recognised in my 30s, when it might be too late to do anything about it.
Kids will all face emotional upheaval at some point in their lives.

I grew up in a 1 parent family in the 80s when staying together for the sake of the children was de rigueur. Shortly after we left school and went to uni or left home, about half my school friends’ parents split up.

Financially they did, on the whole, much better than me. And that has a massive impact on life outcomes. But for the girls, more than half ended up in abusive marriages one way or another - violence, financial control, alcoholics, etc. It seemed to have less impact on the boys. I don’t know how much that was down to their parents staying together for their sake, but they all seemed in able to articulate the idea that their own priority should be themselves rather than their partner’s.

I’m in my 50s now and I frequently wonder about this. I don’t think the truth is straightforward. I do think children are generally materially and emotionally (at least in the immediate term) better off in a two parent family. I don’t think women are obliged to sacrifice the whole of their lives to their children, or even the whole of their lives while theIt children are 18. I do think, as adults, we are obliged to give our children’s best interest more weight but I don’t know how to judge what that weighting should be and I think totally ignoring our own interests entirely sends our children signals about a woman’s place that is toxic for society in general and for our daughters in particular.

Tbh I think that’s the dizzying thing about parenting in general-you never really know if you’re getting it right, or how to judge decisions. This is why cultural norms are so helpful as a template, and why we’re struggling with this now-norms have shifted very very quickly.

Tbh I think that’s the dizzying thing about parenting in general-you never really know if you’re getting it right, or how to judge decisions.

I think there can be some very glaring signs that you're getting it wrong.

You're right there, but so often in abusive relationships, the abused can't see the wood for the trees. So they are paddling furiously like a duck, but not having the time to step back and properly evaluate what's happening. Abusers are unfortunately very 'skilled' at what they do, and they really dgaf about the colateral damage.

@Arabels Very true.