To think divorce is selfish?

[Readyforafallout]

( Totally different for abusive relationships so not including those in this post)

Am I wrong to think that the following are excuses for basically gaining a moral green light for being selfish and swapping your own discontent for a child’s upheaval and distress ?

’ Kids are resilient’
‘ they will pick up on it so you are better of to divorce !’ ( even if the parents DO hide it well, people being convinced they will notice feels again an excuse)
‘ You only have one life OP! …’ ( so do the children)

it just seems that people ‘ grow apart…’
‘ want different things’ and put themselves ahead of their children…. I know this is likely an unpopular opinion
but hearing how ‘ brave ‘ people are for ‘ having the guts to do something about their situation’ seems selfish to me ….

because the children’s world are being opened to who knows who!…. As potential step parents !…. Complete upheaval And emotional distress … That’s worse than ‘ picking up’ on not much in my opinion .

it’s not a post intended to be unkind to divorces but more to not hold it in the highest regard like some achievement of braveness. It feels selfish ?

The one that made a mockery of the marriage vows in my case was my ex when he decided to fuck someone else, wouldn't you say?

I think so too

Yes, divorce is selfish.

Being selfish is often a good thing, it's often self preservation and self care.

Selfishness has been turned in to a bad thing - "not doing what I (the other person) want". Serving your own needs first can be a wonderful thing.

@Rathouse I never thought she hadn’t tried in a ‘you quitter’ way, I wasn’t ever angry about my parents divorce or anything, but it was more of a vague thought. And in fact the divorce isn’t the thing that affected me the most, it was more the subsequent decisions she made. Not terrible choices, but DSis and I moved and had to change schools quite a lot, which was way more disruptive.

However, the talks we’ve had over recent years have made me understand how conflicted she felt, balancing the ‘right’ thing and the ‘best’ thing. She still feels guilty about some of those choices but I say to her that maybe they weren’t right for me and DSis but we are who we are because of those things etc.

The birth rate is probably in decline ( if this is true) because people cannot afford to have children. We are in a COL crisis. Rents and mortgages going through the roof. Both parents need to work, grandparents being forced to work full time until they are 67, Christ people can’t afford to have a child. Plus all the facts about how going on maternity leave can screw over your career etc etc.

OP said at the start:
( Totally different for abusive relationships so not including those in this post)

I don't think you'll get much agreement here, OP, but I can see where tumours coming from.

Obviously all situations are different, but seeing at close range the damage that has been done to some kids due to divorce, I do somewhat agree in many situations.

I definitely agree to some extent. Growing up divorced parents were not very common but now it’s very common and I don’t know why.

No, I don't think it's selfish if it's an unhappy marriage. Surely it must be awful to grow up in a household full of tension day in day out. That's even more unfair on the children.

I suppose if you're good friend/campanions then it's better to stay together for the sake of the kids.

Personally if I ever separated from my DH I'd never move in with another man until my children were finished school. No way.

Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts and beliefs and giving some thought provoking responses.
I don’t fully know what mumsnet etiquette is, It seems more response was required on my part …. I didn’t realise this- so apologises for that.
Thank you all again for responding . I am leaving this post now as I feel I have read a lot more responses than I intended to ever receive!

It's selfish to put your wants before your children's needs. Children do better in life with two married parents

My ex was having sex with someone else. He moved in with her. He no longer wanted to be with me.

Why are you blaming me?

@Readyforafallout so you make a very controversial point that is likely to be hurtful to a lot of MNers just before you go to the cinema, abandon the thread and then bow out because you don’t know what MN etiquette is? Have you never browsed MN before? What a completely unnecessary and cuntish thing to do.

And your username suggests you know exactly what you were doing.

If not a journalist then definitely a bloke!

I was glad my parents separated it's best to have 2 happy parents then them trying to make it work for the child and being miserable. A child doesn't want to be in a household full of stress and bickering.

How selfish of you to receive all these replies and thoughts only to drop us all to run and cover. Are you a journalist? Odd thread with little interaction from yourself.

It's not always that though. I have friends that thought their families were very happy and the husbands still upped and left with no warning at all. Kids were absolutely torn apart.

So yes sometimes it's incredibly selfish.

Are you always this stupid or is it just this post?

My parents were very toxic. I knew something wasn’t right with them when I was a small child. I never saw them being loving or affectionate with each other. I remember yelling and silent treatments that went on for days, bickering and nasty remarks. It has effected many aspects of my life. They divorced when I was 21… wish they had done it when I was a kid and before I experienced the toxicity of their relationship.

It seems Readforafallout wasn't actually ready for a fallout! 😄

Because it is more common for women these days to work and have their own income, therefore they do not need to put up with the shite our mother’s generation put up with.

I’ve learned that, no matter what the man has done, it’s always the woman’s fault because she ‘didn’t try hard enough’ and ‘you have to work at marriage’. Not sure what swearing is allowed so 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

Also that divorced women are seductresses after happily married men. Honestly?

I got this from my ExMIL! ExH couldn't keep his messages to other women in his pants, amongst other things, and ExMIL said "Well you probably weren't giving him enough attention."

This coming from the woman who divorced ExH's dad for cheating 🙄🙄🙄🙄

I wish my parents had divorced. They were both selfish and toxic in their own ways, and they were even worse together. I bore the brunt of their resentment towards each other growing up, and I was such an unhappy kid. I'm nearly 40 and it still affects me now.

Haven't RTFT, but this OP is all kinds of wrong. For so many reasons. Grrr.