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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think divorce is selfish?

316 replies

Readyforafallout · 05/08/2023 17:31

( Totally different for abusive relationships so not including those in this post)

Am I wrong to think that the following are excuses for basically gaining a moral green light for being selfish and swapping your own discontent for a child’s upheaval and distress ?

’ Kids are resilient’
‘ they will pick up on it so you are better of to divorce !’ ( even if the parents DO hide it well, people being convinced they will notice feels again an excuse)
‘ You only have one life OP! …’ ( so do the children)

it just seems that people ‘ grow apart…’
‘ want different things’ and put themselves ahead of their children…. I know this is likely an unpopular opinion
but hearing how ‘ brave ‘ people are for ‘ having the guts to do something about their situation’ seems selfish to me ….

because the children’s world are being opened to who knows who!…. As potential step parents !…. Complete upheaval And emotional distress … That’s worse than ‘ picking up’ on not much in my opinion .

it’s not a post intended to be unkind to divorces but more to not hold it in the highest regard like some achievement of braveness. It feels selfish ?

OP posts:
Curtainswithpompoms · 05/08/2023 20:21

Isthisexpected · 05/08/2023 20:16

I was thinking this. It isn't the divorce is any following/step relationship drama that is selfish.

Show quote history

And why shouldn’t they be?
They just meet a partner they like, they don’t HAVE to love their children too.

ArabeIIaScott · 05/08/2023 20:21

FigAndOlive · 05/08/2023 19:44

I agree with you, OP. Marriage might be the most important decision of one’s life. It may not be fair, but this is adult life, you chose your spouse, you decided to get married and have kids, there’s not an easy way out of this and your cushy feelings should not rule your life… I don’t like broccoli but I still eat because I am not a baby. I think safest option is to chose spouse with wisdom (which people don’t usually do, they tend to ignore all the red flags) and once you decide to marry and have kids you need to know the first rule is always fight for your marriage, no matter what (very few exceptions, as you mentioned, physical abuse, etc). I don’t get this “you only have one life” thing either, yes, I only have one life but you wouldn’t advise someone to throw a kid in the street if they get disabled or letting a parent rot if they are sick just because it is hard work to look after them. I’d rather have a not so pleasant life but know that in my deathbed I did the right decisions and didn’t run away from my duties. So yes, I find having a divorce some sort of weakness not something to be proud of (very few exceptions aside).

An unhappy marriage is like eating broccoli? What brought you to this conclusion?

Theunamedcat · 05/08/2023 20:23

Readyforafallout · 05/08/2023 18:24

Thanks for your replies …. It’s interesting that people think I may be trolling just because I have asked an opinion on a very common issue . I haven't replied Because I have been reading responses !! I’m going to go to the cinema shortly …. So won’t reply for a while, if that’s ok?!

I dont think your trolling I think your privileged and nieve

greydressinggownofdoom · 05/08/2023 20:23

ArabeIIaScott · 05/08/2023 20:21

An unhappy marriage is like eating broccoli? What brought you to this conclusion?

Show quote history

That post really annoyed me as I'm autistic and I can't just be an adult and eat a food I can't eat. That's probably why my ex had an affair and fucked someone else. Because I didn't eat broccoli.

ArabeIIaScott · 05/08/2023 20:25

greydressinggownofdoom · 05/08/2023 20:23

That post really annoyed me as I'm autistic and I can't just be an adult and eat a food I can't eat. That's probably why my ex had an affair and fucked someone else. Because I didn't eat broccoli.

Show quote history

95% of relationships end in broccoli, you know.

JudgeRudy · 05/08/2023 20:26

I don't believe you need an excuse to divorce but you do need a reason. If the reason is 'we've grown apart' or 'l love you but I'm just not in love with you' thats a perfectly good enough reason to seperate. You seem to think that feeling unloved/cared for, no passion (sexually or emotionally) or utter boredom and resentment is just a minor inconvenience. Its life defining for most people. I'm all for considering your children's welfare but I would accept that my children would likely be hurt by divorce. If I thought I could 'pretend' till they were adults to keep them happy I still wouldn't do it .....and that would sit OK with me.
Now if my kids were just about to sit their GCSEs or my lovely but incompatible OHs mum had just died/been made redundant/was ill etc I'd perhaps reconsider my timings and hang on for a bit, but yes ultimately I'd put myself first.

Iusedtobedontcall · 05/08/2023 20:26

Life would be better if people stopped caring so much about other people’s lives and focused on their own. I really couldn’t care less if someone divorced or remarried- as long as they care for their children. Life isn’t perfect and we all make the wrong choices sometimes.

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 05/08/2023 20:28

In many ways I agree with you OP - I'm recently divorced - not out of choice. I would have fought to keep our marriage together for our children but he didn't. I do think having children with someone means a certain responsibility to keep family together - there seems to be this pervading FOMO and expectation lust and passion and love should endure for an entire marriage when actually just being friends with each other is enough. single life is shit (I hate it). And I'm facing years alone (my children are all under age 7) because I don't want to bring someone else into their lives. They are with me 99% of the time so I imagine it will be different for their father who has the energy and time to dedicate to a new relationship

CandyflossKaren · 05/08/2023 20:30

Oh dear

CandyflossKaren · 05/08/2023 20:31

The thread is filling up fast with well meaning takes.... but op won't be able to read them all/reply

Threeboysadogandacat · 05/08/2023 20:31

Dsd has always said that she was glad when her parents divorced. It wasn’t a happy household when her parents were together. I have a very good relationship with my three step children, especially dsd who is the youngest and I know I have brought more to their lives than I have taken away. I am also a very involved granny which she would not otherwise have had. I think it depends on the circumstances but divorce is not always the most damaging thing for the children.

queenMab99 · 05/08/2023 20:31

Some people get divorced for selfish reasons, but that does not make divorce wrong, immoral or selfish. It is often done as a last resort, to release someone from an intractable situation, which is detrimental to their well being.

Soopermum1 · 05/08/2023 20:32

Looking at the Mumsnet boards, it seems that most divorces are the result of abuse. The selfish person in this scenario is the abuser.

My divorce was due to exH's abuse. I had no choice, he was becoming increasingly deranged. It would have been selfish of me to stay and make my kids put up with that.

Now in a happy, healthy relationship, with a happy environment and showing my kids what a happy relationship is.

Given how difficult divorce can sometimes be, I don't think it's a decision that is taken lightly, especially with children, in most cases.

FirstTimeBoyMum21 · 05/08/2023 20:34

As a child of divorce I fully disagree. My mum is a million times happier and was VERY careful about who she brought into our lives.

DrSbaitso · 05/08/2023 20:38

FigAndOlive · 05/08/2023 19:44

I agree with you, OP. Marriage might be the most important decision of one’s life. It may not be fair, but this is adult life, you chose your spouse, you decided to get married and have kids, there’s not an easy way out of this and your cushy feelings should not rule your life… I don’t like broccoli but I still eat because I am not a baby. I think safest option is to chose spouse with wisdom (which people don’t usually do, they tend to ignore all the red flags) and once you decide to marry and have kids you need to know the first rule is always fight for your marriage, no matter what (very few exceptions, as you mentioned, physical abuse, etc). I don’t get this “you only have one life” thing either, yes, I only have one life but you wouldn’t advise someone to throw a kid in the street if they get disabled or letting a parent rot if they are sick just because it is hard work to look after them. I’d rather have a not so pleasant life but know that in my deathbed I did the right decisions and didn’t run away from my duties. So yes, I find having a divorce some sort of weakness not something to be proud of (very few exceptions aside).

I know people are picking up on eating broccoli as the most ridiculous false equivalence to divorce in this post, but actually I think abandoning disabled children on the street or allowing a parent to wither away to nothing should have taken the top prize. Honestly, who could take this guff seriously?

MissRoo1982 · 05/08/2023 20:39

I also agree with the previous poster about the word selfish - I think it’s been misused and manipulated to ensure people stay unhappy. And I think people who use this in terms of marriage and divorce bandy this word about to ensure another person isn’t entitled to be happy. Because secretly they want everyone to be like them. If I’m miserable you should be too and put up with it.

maisouimaisoui1 · 05/08/2023 20:40

My DP was in a relationship for over 15 years before breaking up with his ex. Nothing especially wrong with the relationship, it just wasn't great. They had a daughter. The ex is now v happy with someone else. DP is - I think! - happy with me. I genuinely think the daughter is just v pleased that both parents have ended up happy and appreciated and loved. We all spend time together. It's all super amiable. I really think it is much better for children to have two happy parents than two miserable ones.

bonzaitree · 05/08/2023 20:44

I was relieved when my parents divorced. They hated each other so much! They made my teen years pretty miserable and I don’t know why they didn’t divorce sooner.

I think they were selfish in that they didn’t even try to hide their animosity towards each other. They didn’t bother getting counselling either alone or together.

they both deny that their behaviour was poor to this day. That’s their way. Deny real emotions. Put head in sand. Let other people deal with the fall out. Pretty selfish if you ask me.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 05/08/2023 20:45

YABVVVVVVVU

Sparagmos · 05/08/2023 20:47

My parents divorced when I was 2, my dad and his 2nd wife divorced when I was 10, my mum and step father divorced when I was 13. Serious mh issues and alcoholism were involved, so no, not just selfishness!🤯

Gemlh · 05/08/2023 20:52

Plot twist. Is it in fact you that wants a divorce? But your thoughts on divorce are getting in your way?

Latenightreader · 05/08/2023 20:55

Child of divorced parents here. I can with all honesty say that my life would have been so much worse had they stayed together. They have nothing in common, and quite frankly I am amazed they got together in the first place. They separated when I was about four and it was the best decision they could have made.

I have two sets of friends whose parents stayed together for the sake of the children. One of their houses had a horrible atmosphere we all picked up on even at 11. She was relieved when they split up when she was an adult. The other I knew at university and she was devastated because it felt like much of her childhood had been a lie.

No one should be trapped in an unhappy marriage.

alwaysmovingforwards · 05/08/2023 21:01

A lot of the responses do make a mockery of the marriage vows.

But hey, it's part of the reason marriage / birth rates are in decline and lifelong single pringles on the rise.

xPeaceXx · 05/08/2023 21:03

Sirzy · 05/08/2023 17:36

I don’t agree it is selfish but even if it is what’s wrong with being selfish sometimes? Especially when it involves the rest of your life?

So true.
And what do you gain from remaining miserable, what message do you send to your children.
Saying that, I think finances do often prevent people from splitting up.

Iusedtobedontcall · 05/08/2023 21:04

For me - marriage is a legal contract and not just a romantic ideal. No one enters into a marriage thinking it won’t last, but these things happen. My children are better for not living with a heavy drinking gambler.