To think divorce is selfish?

[Readyforafallout]

( Totally different for abusive relationships so not including those in this post)

Am I wrong to think that the following are excuses for basically gaining a moral green light for being selfish and swapping your own discontent for a child’s upheaval and distress ?

’ Kids are resilient’
‘ they will pick up on it so you are better of to divorce !’ ( even if the parents DO hide it well, people being convinced they will notice feels again an excuse)
‘ You only have one life OP! …’ ( so do the children)

it just seems that people ‘ grow apart…’
‘ want different things’ and put themselves ahead of their children…. I know this is likely an unpopular opinion
but hearing how ‘ brave ‘ people are for ‘ having the guts to do something about their situation’ seems selfish to me ….

because the children’s world are being opened to who knows who!…. As potential step parents !…. Complete upheaval And emotional distress … That’s worse than ‘ picking up’ on not much in my opinion .

it’s not a post intended to be unkind to divorces but more to not hold it in the highest regard like some achievement of braveness. It feels selfish ?

It is selfish. And sometimes it's good - essential even - to be selfish. Especially if it enables you to be a better version of yourself and therefore a better parent to your child. Everyone needs to be selfish at times or we wouldn't survive.

People should think harder about who they are marrying and then honour the commitment. When I had a little issue with DH and asked on here the overwhelming majority of people told me to LTB. I wasn't going to as I knew we would work through it and just needed advise on how

Actually, I agree it can sometimes be, which is why I'm not divorced. If we hadn't had children, we would be. But we have. So my grass-is-greener hunches are on the back burner, because I'm not prepared to put my sense of having settled for companionship ahead of my children's stability and trust. Obviously this only holds while DH and I rub along companionably. In any circumstances where misery, abuse or unfaithfulness are the dominant dynamic, then I wouldn't see divorce as a selfish act at all.

I'm with you OP because my parents didn't have a wonderful relationship but I would have been devastated if they'd split up. I'm very, very glad they stayed together. I really needed that stability.

I came on to this thread to say the same!

People can be in marriages where they are dissatisfied, bored, low level unhappy, but with a partner who is decent and who they can coexist with without friction. In these cases, the children will almost certainly not pick up on it. For the most part if children are loved, given attention and the household is harmonious and peaceful, any private feelings of their parents are beneath their radar.
So yes, sometimes divorce is not in the children's interests and arguably is selfish. But the question is, how much of the parents own happiness should be sacrificed for their children?
Certainly when the parent wants to leave for someone else, the expectation is the children should always come first and this is a terrible thing to do. So it's an interesting question.

Best thing I ever did.
My kids 100% agree.

I don’t know one single person who divorced on a whim. There was always a very valid reason.
I also agree with the poster above who said just because people brush it off as ‘we grew apart’ does not mean that is the truth. I know one woman who tells people this and that, ‘ we are still good friends.’ In actual fact her dh gave her an std, was caught cheating on her, and finally told her to get out of the house as he ‘ couldn’t stand her guts.’
I do agree people rush into further relationships which isn’t always good for the dc but understand the deep psychology behind this.

Come back when you have enough life experience to know how very very unreasonable you are being

Interesting thread. I'm the adult 'child' of unhappily married parents who did not divorce. I spent most of my childhood and adolescence on tenterhooks and dearly wishing they would divorce; which eventually they did, when I was 19.

I bet 99% of adult children would be horrified at either parent being unhappy for years just to keep the family unit together.

My best friend was in an abusive marriage, husband was cheating, running up debts started to physically assault her. Was she just suppose to stay in an unhappy unhealthy marriage for the sake of the children?

Are you unhappily married and too scared to leave @Readyforafallout ?

OP, what is it you think those of us who, for example, have been cheated on should do? My ex walked out following a long affair that was about to be exposed. He wasn't abusive, beyond the lies. What do you think I should have done to not get divorced?

My ex had an affair.

Are you counting that as abusive?

x-post @Baconisdelicious

That's awful. Did you ever ask them why they waited until you were finally in a position to be free of the horrible atmosphere before divorcing? I imagine if they said "we did it for you" that would go down pretty badly!

I'd rather be thought of as selfish than have stayed in an unhappy marriage.

I think that should be correct to CAN be more damaging.

I know many happy blended families (including my own where DH has a child from a previous relationship).

However, those are families that have worked to prioritise the best interests of the child/children, taken things slowly and with sensitivity.

Just as I wouldn't generalise about divorce being selfish, neither would I damn all subsequent relationships.

Sometimes it is worse to grow up with two unhappy parents.

I really wish my parents had divorced when I was younger. My mother raised me, my father was a waste of air.

I had an ex who told me he longed for his father to die as a child. Every single day as he walked home from school he would prey that today might be the day. He knew his abused mother would never have the guts to leave. His father had told all his dcs and wife that over his dead body would he ever leave. That left him free to beat the living daylights out if each and everyone if them. He also control every single thing they did with an iron fist. Told them what to do and what to think. His parents are still married.
How on earth is this better than divorcing?

Also - people do grow apart. I recognise that my ex and I probably did that. He hadn't changed and grown, I had.

Was I supposed to just stay and let him have affair(s)? And be miserable? Was I supposed to have an affair too? Was it selfish of me to say, no, we need to be apart I am not doing this any longer?

I think it’s very difficult to stay in some marriages even if there’s no abuse. My ex got to the point where he refused to do any parenting or housework. He didn’t even make excuses. Just said he wasn’t doing it even when I was ill etc. The only way we could have stayed together without fighting was for me to do everything with no complaints. It would be very hard to keep that up for 18+ years and I’m not sure it would be best for the children anyway. You’d be showing them that the mother’s role is to do everything without ever voicing their feelings. My ex is actually more involved as a father now we’re separated. I agree to an extent that children are usually negatively affected by divorce but it can be very very hard to remain in a relationship where you want to divorce. It would mean faking most of your feelings for years and I don’t think I would even have been capable of that if I’d wanted to.

What a naive thing to think. I’ve watched my parents exist in a relationship of contempt. It was a relief to everyone when they got a divorce.

I’m divorced my children don’t remember me being with their father. I’m pleased about that I was a shell of my self living with him. Afraid to speak, walking on eggshells and when I left I was raped and had the shit kicked out of me for my troubles. What would my children have seen if they had grown old enough to remember and how would that have scarred them?

Children do pick up on their parents being unhappy in relationships. They pick up on tension, on the small ways in which they express disdain, contempt or even a lack of consideration for them. It can be extremely destructive. They also most likely won't be set an example of functional and happy adult relationships which makes it harder for them to know what's good and health when they embark on relationships themselves.

Is that better?