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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think divorce is selfish?

316 replies

Readyforafallout · 05/08/2023 17:31

( Totally different for abusive relationships so not including those in this post)

Am I wrong to think that the following are excuses for basically gaining a moral green light for being selfish and swapping your own discontent for a child’s upheaval and distress ?

’ Kids are resilient’
‘ they will pick up on it so you are better of to divorce !’ ( even if the parents DO hide it well, people being convinced they will notice feels again an excuse)
‘ You only have one life OP! …’ ( so do the children)

it just seems that people ‘ grow apart…’
‘ want different things’ and put themselves ahead of their children…. I know this is likely an unpopular opinion
but hearing how ‘ brave ‘ people are for ‘ having the guts to do something about their situation’ seems selfish to me ….

because the children’s world are being opened to who knows who!…. As potential step parents !…. Complete upheaval And emotional distress … That’s worse than ‘ picking up’ on not much in my opinion .

it’s not a post intended to be unkind to divorces but more to not hold it in the highest regard like some achievement of braveness. It feels selfish ?

OP posts:
Lapflop · 05/08/2023 17:33

It's fine to be selfish sometimes, just because you're a parent it doesn't mean you are obliged to stay in a marriage you aren't happy in. It's important to note that children pick up on this too by the way and this has a negative impact on them too. Unless there's abuse or whatever involved i think it's selfish to not remain at least amicable in relation to the children for their sake.

Bubbleses · 05/08/2023 17:35

Are you yourself a child if divorce?

My parents finally divorced when I was 15. It was a huge relief when they did. They spent years not really being “together” - I knew they didn’t love each other and it was horrible; you just can’t fake it 24/7.

Sirzy · 05/08/2023 17:36

I don’t agree it is selfish but even if it is what’s wrong with being selfish sometimes? Especially when it involves the rest of your life?

FizzyFucker · 05/08/2023 17:36

I think you sound like you are quite ignorant. What has shaped your opinion?

MisschiefMaker · 05/08/2023 17:37

I don't know but it seems to me that there are loads of people in unhappy marriages yet I never hear of people who regret getting divorced, so maybe it's not such a bad idea?

User63847484848 · 05/08/2023 17:38

What viewpoint are you coming from OP? What’s your situation? No one does it lightly, obviously!

Lkahsvtv · 05/08/2023 17:38

I don’t think so; even looking around me at friends I see much more emotional harm being done to their children by the toxic environment they live in.

MiMiPies · 05/08/2023 17:38

I don't think so I think kids are better in two happy homes than a miserable one.

What's selfish is when parents can't put aside their differences and co parent effectively in my opinion and use the child(ren) as pawns to one up each other.

Merapi · 05/08/2023 17:38

Are you suggesting that a suitable alternative would be to wallow in your own misery?

Vegetus · 05/08/2023 17:40

Are you suggesting kids are better off in an environment where their parents are together but permanently miserable?

Ponderingwindow · 05/08/2023 17:40

Yes, I think divorce can be selfish.

mine was in some ways. Our problems were not absolutely insurmountable. We divorced before having children though and I like to think we saved them from living in what would have become an increasingly unhappy household. We both went on to have much happier marriages and I believe the children we are raising are in much better situations.

VeridicalVagabond · 05/08/2023 17:40

Of course it is, and what's wrong with that? Why shouldn't people pursue their own happiness? Having children doesn't mean that you have to be absolutely 100% selfless at all times to your own detriment.

Selfishness is like red wine and chocolate. In moderation it's fine and even good for you.

FakingMemories · 05/08/2023 17:41

Why do you assume all divorcees have children? My husband and I have both been divorced in the past. Neither of those previous marriages produced children. Our current marriage is also childless so far.

Chowtime · 05/08/2023 17:42

it's selfish to treat your spouse like a piece of shit and have no respect for them, thats whats selfish.

Do you really think people divorce loving decent human being?

BIWI · 05/08/2023 17:42

Are you a man, @Readyforafallout?

NeverMrsAgain · 05/08/2023 17:42

Lkahsvtv · 05/08/2023 17:38

I don’t think so; even looking around me at friends I see much more emotional harm being done to their children by the toxic environment they live in.

This. I know this from experience.

Summerhillsquare · 05/08/2023 17:42

As the child of an unhappy marriage YABU. The poison is hard to counteract.

CandyflossKaren · 05/08/2023 17:43

Yabu

And naive

FloweryName · 05/08/2023 17:44

It can be selfish or it can be entirely necessary.

I don’t think divorce or separation is the real problem. On the whole I think children can cope with that if it is t handled too badly. The real problem for children comes when there are new partners involved because when parents are in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship, they become particularly selfish.

They tell themselves they deserve a second chance and shouldn’t be dictated to by children to convince themselves they’re doing no harm. In reality, children don’t need step parents and in the majority of cases, it is more detrimental than beneficial.

BreadInCaptivity · 05/08/2023 17:44

I'm not convinced that martyrdom is setting a good example to children.

Living life in an unhappy/unfulfilled relationship isn't an example I'd like to set for my children.

I've no axe to grind (happily married) but I don't judge people who leave a relationship that isn't working for them.

Besides I think your post is highly simplistic.

I think it's very rare for people to leave for the reasons you describe.

Yes, they might say "we grew apart" but the reality is they don't actually want a in depth conversation about why their marriage failed or to bad mouth their child's parent.

fuckthisprivilage · 05/08/2023 17:45

As the child of a very unhappy marriage I could not disagree with you more.

TeaKitten · 05/08/2023 17:46

I think it’s probably a very small proportion of marriages that aren’t at all abusive, where both parents can pretend to be happy enough in their damaged marriage that their children aren’t damaged by it. Divorce doesn’t always destroy children either. YABU

lovenotwar149 · 05/08/2023 17:47

This is a very interesting talking point. I come from an Asian background and have been brainwashed to think divorce is awful. I think differently now. However, because of this 'brainwashing' (for want of a better word) rightly or wrongly when probs come up between my hubby & I (married 34 yrs, 3 adult sons) I work with in my head ' well divorce isn't an option , so what can I do to help us move forward?'
So far so good

lovenotwar149 · 05/08/2023 17:47

My parents had an arranged marriage and it consisted of chronic domestic violence

Newphony · 05/08/2023 17:48

Yes I agree, exposing children to step parents is far more damaging. They rarely have the children's best interests at heart. Mostly just out for themselves.