To think divorce is selfish?

[Readyforafallout]

( Totally different for abusive relationships so not including those in this post)

Am I wrong to think that the following are excuses for basically gaining a moral green light for being selfish and swapping your own discontent for a child’s upheaval and distress ?

’ Kids are resilient’
‘ they will pick up on it so you are better of to divorce !’ ( even if the parents DO hide it well, people being convinced they will notice feels again an excuse)
‘ You only have one life OP! …’ ( so do the children)

it just seems that people ‘ grow apart…’
‘ want different things’ and put themselves ahead of their children…. I know this is likely an unpopular opinion
but hearing how ‘ brave ‘ people are for ‘ having the guts to do something about their situation’ seems selfish to me ….

because the children’s world are being opened to who knows who!…. As potential step parents !…. Complete upheaval And emotional distress … That’s worse than ‘ picking up’ on not much in my opinion .

it’s not a post intended to be unkind to divorces but more to not hold it in the highest regard like some achievement of braveness. It feels selfish ?

Getting divorced and getting a new partner, are 2 completely separate things imo.
Kids get far more upset living in homes where it is quite obvious that parents don't get on.
What is selfish, imo, is making a partner stay in a loveless marriage to suit yourself.

Nobody really gives a shit TBH.

I think people sometimes do minimise the impact of divorce on children.

But it doesn’t follow that divorce is always the worst thing to happen to children. Far from it.

It’s far more selfish in my view to struggle on in a marriage which is sufficiently unhappy that it poisons the atmosphere in the family just because you can’t do the grown up thing and admit to your children that you and your partner are not compatible, or because you fear the loss of stability or material comfort.

And while parent’s separation can be traumatic, it’s far more damaging long term to send children the explicit or implicit message that a marriage (even a desperately unhealthy one) takes priority over the emotional wellbeing of the parents or the children. People recover from change. They don’t recover from having their sense of self systematically poisoned.

Same here except I was older. The atmosphere in the house was tense and horrible, my parents argued and shouted all the time, they were constantly not talking to each other and making me mediate between them. It was hell and leaving home was a huge relief.
Back then people were encouraged to stay together for the sake of the children. My parents should have divorced sooner for the sake of the children.

Would you advise your son or daughter to stay in an unhappy marriage that is making them miserable?

I think every case is different but your kids are going to be affected regardless of whether you divorve or not, imo it's a bit of a no win but on balance I think it's better to demonstrate to your children how to live a happy life and to put your own oxygen mask on first.

I'm happily married with children, but if my marriage died a death and I didn't want to be with my husband anymore I absolutely would leave.

One of my best friends I met at uni, her parents stayed living under the same roof for years "for the children" my friend says the distress this caused her and her brother was totally avoidable. Her dad ate separately as her parents couldn't stand one another, it was silent treatment and a toxic atmosphere. They eventually moved to different houses and both remarried once my friend was 16, she always says she has no idea what their thought process was to carry on living as they did. People shouldn't stay together for their kids, imagine the atmosphere when 2 people just don't want to be together, hardly a warm loving home.

My parents had an acrimonious split when I was in my 20s. I wish they’d split when I was young and before it turned nasty, before the affair. As it turned out i knew all the gory details and am estranged from one parent now.

Your post is absolutely designed to be unkind. Of course it is.

kids do pick up on their parents being unhappy. And it messes them up.

People who say they are staying for the kids, usually aren’t. They simply don’t want to change the situation. Don’t want to sell the house, or will have less money and so on. The kids usually grow up wishing their parents had split sooner and the parents often act like the kids owe them for giving up years of happiness for their benefit. Except no one benefitted.

Your post that suggests it’s selfish to want to be in a happy home environments is unkind. You are telling people they should live unhappily or morally lacking.

I actually suspect you might be one of the ‘I am staying for my kids’ and trying to convince yourself that you are morally superior and a more selfless parent. Why else would you do it?

Absolutely.

Interestingly my FIL cheated, many times, and it was swept under the carpet. Clearly it's affected their children because my OH sees it as acceptable behaviour in her marriage....

Totally different for abusive relationships so not including those in this post

I don’t know what planet you live on but I have not met a single divorced person, not one at all, that had not been in a marriage were some sort of abuse was happening.

People who stay together after the love is gone end up hurting each other and the people around them. They neglect the other, they get fed up, the environment gets toxic and things just escalate until someone has the courage/guts/bollocks to break free.

People who choose to divorce are not quitters or selfish, many have spend years or even decades trying to save/resurrect their marriages, they are the brave ones who escaped a bad situation. Because believe me, it so so much easier to stay in a bad marriage than to leave.

You may think differently if you were the one who was left, but then, why would you expect someone to stay with you against their will?

I don’t think it’s selfish, no. I do think it’s sometimes too easy an option though. I know of a couple of very short marriages, ended for reasons which could have been worked through, but stubbornness got in the way.

I agree with this.
A lot of the time you can't help a marriage ending, but what you do next is your choice.

@Readyforafallout I'm going to go ahead and guess that you are a child of divorced parents?

My MIL told my DH she was going to divorce his Dad when he was 11, he cried and so she didn't go through with it. He felt so guilty about keeping her in an unhappy marriage, and helped her divorce his Dad when he was 19. Staying was not good for the children.

I’m the child of parents who did what you’re suggesting. And frankly it sucked. Being the child of two parents who just weren’t that bothered with eachother. And has meant as an adult I don’t know what a loving relationship is. Or didn’t. Until finally in my early 20’s my parents split and met new partners. I wish they had done it earlier.

I agree to a certain extent. People are more selfish in general these days. No one wants to 'work things out' - they just want instant gratification. Grass is greener? Off they go. All of the children I know who have divorced parents have problems. Could be a coincidence of course. It is a pattern that tends to repeat.

I have a lot more respect for those who take marriage vows seriously - for better or worse and actually work things out. Accept that things aren't going to be amazing 24/7 and that you can have some pretty crap times too. I'll be amazing if anyone currently in their 20s or 30s manages 50+ years of marriage like a lot of my parents generation have. They can't seem to manage 5!

That's before the whole addition of step parents and step siblings - so fucked up for the children involved generally. But hey, so long as Mum is happy and getting more attention off the new man!

In my teens my parents spent around 3 years "trying to make it work". It was hell to live with.

I'll never forget the day we moved to my mums new house. Sitting on a mattress on the floor as my bed wasn't up yet I looked around my new undecorated room in our much smaller new house and cried with relief. The difference knowing I could get up in the morning and not be surrounded by a horrible tense atmosphere was amazing.

Yes I agree, exposing children to step parents is far more damaging. They rarely have the children's best interests at heart. Mostly just out for themselves

Not at all my step father is wonderful and I now have an amazing half sister and two nephews.

I agree 1000000%

Was bloody delighted when my parents divorced when I was 15. They'd been miserable together for years and were so much happier when apart. In later years mum said she'd only stayed with dad for me, told her I'm not sure why she bothered, it certainly was clear they hated each other and that certainly didn't make my life better 🤷‍♀️

I think if you have children(whether married or not) there is an onus on you to try really hard to make it work, to be faithful and be kind to your partner. The problem is that you can only really control what you do. You can't force your partner to be kind and thoughtful or be faithful. You can't force someone to work on things if they don't want to.

Dh and I have been together 20 years and have had some rough times but ultimately we both wanted to make it work, if that will wasn't there from both of us I can't see how one person can pull a relationship through alone.

There are also lots of ways to separate. You can do it acrimoniously, you can start bringing every new person you meet around to meet the kids, you can have kids with every new person meet or you can be still be responsible parents and separate while working together.

I think you are simplifying something that really can't be simplified.

All of the children I know who have divorced parents have problems.

Who do you know who has no problems?

It’s a very difficult choice to make.
Do you allow your children to grow up in a toxic loveless house, therefore exposing them to bad examples of family values?
Or potentially the blended family dynamic which can be damaging too.
I guess ideally your children would be put first and if you do separate, keep new partners out of the picture until they are fully grown.

Not sure how realistic that is….

That's one heck of a generalisation there!

It's a smug and ignorant opinion.