To think divorce is selfish?

[Readyforafallout]

( Totally different for abusive relationships so not including those in this post)

Am I wrong to think that the following are excuses for basically gaining a moral green light for being selfish and swapping your own discontent for a child’s upheaval and distress ?

’ Kids are resilient’
‘ they will pick up on it so you are better of to divorce !’ ( even if the parents DO hide it well, people being convinced they will notice feels again an excuse)
‘ You only have one life OP! …’ ( so do the children)

it just seems that people ‘ grow apart…’
‘ want different things’ and put themselves ahead of their children…. I know this is likely an unpopular opinion
but hearing how ‘ brave ‘ people are for ‘ having the guts to do something about their situation’ seems selfish to me ….

because the children’s world are being opened to who knows who!…. As potential step parents !…. Complete upheaval And emotional distress … That’s worse than ‘ picking up’ on not much in my opinion .

it’s not a post intended to be unkind to divorces but more to not hold it in the highest regard like some achievement of braveness. It feels selfish ?

@greydressinggownofdoom

No doubt we will be told we should have been more careful about who we married. That's the usual line.

I think saying 'if there's no abuse or infidelity, divorce is always selfish' is far too simplistic.

My mother grew up in a toxic marriage - her mother was left a widow after WW2 and remarried quickly, had two more children and then realised her mistake. She finally divorced in 1979 when all her DDs were grown up, but all of them were damaged by the toxicity between their parents. Constant low level negativity and disrespect, whether from one partner or both, absolutely will have an adverse effect on children.

What does the damage IMO is having a really negative adversarial divorce and either parent prioritising new relationships. I very nearly got divorced (my husband died 12 days before the nisi was pronounced) and believe me, my DDs were counting down the days (but he was abusive) - but I was always determined not to engage in another relationship until they were grown. I've since realised I love being single.

I also know a couple who split when their DD was very young, made it amicable, co-parented properly 50/50 and are now better as friends than they ever were as a couple.

The bottom line is that if people are grown up and put their DC first, it doesn't have to be bad. The issue is that so few people handle it that way.

Yip. I was told on another thread that it was my fault. (The post was deleted but the sentiment stands)

Bit baffling tbh. Why get married in the first place, if not because you want to? Surely, therefore, the inverse is also valid?

I agree that some of the reasons that get trotted out for divorcing can sound glib. The socially acceptable reasons I roll out certainly do-‘we were better as friends’ etc. In fact that relationship was not emotionally survivable and we chose to walk away with our dignity intact rather than destroy one another by hanging on til grim death. We’re coparenting amicably now.

My parents stayed together because in ireland in the late 80s divorce wasn't a thing.

They despised each other, it was a horrible horrible environment to grow up in. I remember the divorce referendum I must have been 8-9. When my mum explained what it was my first thought was you and dad should do that.

I remember being shocked at my friends parents kissing. I just assumed all parents hated each other.

YABU to assume every situation is the same

Your view seems very blinkered, OP.

🤔divorce or stay in an unhappy marriage. Divorced 14 yrs, happier than ever.

Also. Why would you think that anyone owes you the real truth of why they are divorcing rather than the socially soft answer of "we grew apart"?

I agree with what everyone else is saying: just because it's selfish doesn't mean that it's wrong. Loads of things are selfish, but morally permissable. You owe your children a good life: you don't owe them the best possible life they could have had, if giving them that makes you miserable.

And anyway, often it is better for the children. My parents divorced when I was about 10, I was fine with it.

I remember some super-conservative person saying there are only 3 reasons to divorce - the three A's - Abuse, Addiction and Adultery.

That's nuts. GTFO if you want to - for any reason.

In my experience it is better for the child if the parents in an I happy relationship separate. Mine didn't until I was 17 and I felt like I had been waiting for it my whole life. Children are extremely perceptive and hiding the truth about an unhappy relationship is both dishonest and setting a terrible example of marriage.

*unhappy 🙄

YABU.

Surely the selfish thing is not leaving a marriage in which you are unhappy, but jumping into new relationships which involve the children or not putting the children’s needs first when it comes to new relationships. Just because parents are divorced doesn’t mean step-parents have to be involved, it’s possible to have a new relationship without marrying/ moving in together until you are sure that your children won’t be adversely effected. Step-parents aren’t always a negative, they can bring many positives, but usually only if they are introduced at the child’s pace and where the parents haven’t moved the relationship forward until they knew their children and new partner were able to get on.

This, with knobs on. If you're getting this said to you a lot, you might like to think about MYOB.

My parents divorced when I was 14 and it was a very traumatic experience for me. However, my childhood was always marred by the fact they weren’t remotely suited and the trauma of the divorce was mostly due to how badly my mother behaved throughout and for many years afterwards. I was certainly made to ‘pay’ for her failed marriage, over and over.

Had they remained together, I have no doubt my life would have been miserable. As it turned out, my father remarried and had been very happy ever since, which has been lovely to see.

There really is nothing good about remaining together ‘for the kids’. You can however make it less traumatic by not behaving like a complete arsehole though.

Very few people take divorce lightly. I will not apologise for divorcing my exh and giving myself and out dc a better life, emotionally, physically and financially.

I have no regrets whatsoever about my divorce - though DH was a gambler who would have seen us lose our home before he stopped, so that was an easy decision.

I am a very loving stepmum and mum and I resent the idea that I can’t possibly have the best interests of my stepchildren at heart because they are not mine. There are lots of different types of families and lots of ways to be happy.

There are children growing up in horrendous situations but a straightforward divorce and amiable co parenting isn’t such a situation for the majority.

I am a divorced mum of 3, the atmosphere was toxic, we were all on edge. The kids were of course gutted when it happened but have adjusted to a new normal. I genuinely believe the kids are better off now than they would be if we had stayed together. I think selfish is the wrong word to use.

I love splitting shellfish apart. Yummy.

@Readyforafallout are you coming back?

Is this for an article in a newspaper?

Aside from abuse, infidelity etc, yes it's often very selfish.

But it's very common in our society so you won't get much support here. And it's why you often see so much cheerleading of divorce and so much minimising and justifying ('better to be in two happy households' rubbish etc.) and very little advice to work on things, compromise, stick together, look for the good etc.

Divorce is statistically damaging for children. That's just a fact. And I think a lot of the behaviour that follows on from it compounds that - such as bringing new partners into children's lives, so-called 'blended' families (done for the parents' benefit, mostly unhappy even if the parents don't agree), step siblings, unpleasant co-parenting, using the kids as pawns, wanting 'time off' from the kids, differing rules at different houses, allocated time as if the child is a commodity and so on.

I stayed in an unhappy marriage until my ex had an affair and gave me an “excuse” to get out, I wish I had been brave enough to finish it earlier. Our children (youngest is now 17) wonder why it lasted so long and say nothing really changed as we’d grown apart and exh had distanced himself from the family. Being selfish would have been the right thing for us all.

That's not much of a counter argument, is it? Just personal name-calling. If you disagree with OP, maybe you could enter an adult discussion and put your opinion across.

FWIW, I agree with you, OP. I don't think people should feel obligated to stay in genuinely unhappy marriages but yes, marriage is a commitment and even more so when you decide to bring children into it and create a family unit. To blow your kids' lives up because you're bored/want a spicier sex life/have had your head turned by someone at work etc is deeply selfish. And yes, people do leave for these reasons. There are threads every day titled something along the lines of "should I leave my marriage even though it's not really unhappy".

Divorce is disruptive for children but there are degrees of disruption depending on how emotionally mature the parents are. An unhappy marriage is also disruptive for children. Divorce can be toxic; a partnership/marriage can be toxic and I suspect that the parents who really harm their children emotionally are the parents who lack awareness whether they are in a marriage our out of it.