To think divorce is selfish?

[Readyforafallout]

( Totally different for abusive relationships so not including those in this post)

Am I wrong to think that the following are excuses for basically gaining a moral green light for being selfish and swapping your own discontent for a child’s upheaval and distress ?

’ Kids are resilient’
‘ they will pick up on it so you are better of to divorce !’ ( even if the parents DO hide it well, people being convinced they will notice feels again an excuse)
‘ You only have one life OP! …’ ( so do the children)

it just seems that people ‘ grow apart…’
‘ want different things’ and put themselves ahead of their children…. I know this is likely an unpopular opinion
but hearing how ‘ brave ‘ people are for ‘ having the guts to do something about their situation’ seems selfish to me ….

because the children’s world are being opened to who knows who!…. As potential step parents !…. Complete upheaval And emotional distress … That’s worse than ‘ picking up’ on not much in my opinion .

it’s not a post intended to be unkind to divorces but more to not hold it in the highest regard like some achievement of braveness. It feels selfish ?

@Readyforafallout journo? or just goady af. I see you have lit the blue touch paper and not been back yet.

I've never introduced my kids to a new partner and my ex has never relied on his partner to do solo childcare (he is always there on contact days) so my kids are perfectly safe thanks.

It's not selfish to split because you've grown apart. Kids observe their parents relationship and are negatively affected if it's devoid of affection. They are more likely to be stuck in poor relationships if they saw their parents suffering.

Your kids leave the nest one day and if you're only together because of the kids then things are going to get even worse. Anecdotally I think that the older the children are, the more they are negatively affected by divorce. People whose parents split when they were adults are far more angry than those who split when they were kids. They are almost always disappointed that they were the reason why their parents suffered and find it a terrible burden.

Staying too long in a marriage where people have grown apart is the fast track to someone cheating or developing other secrets like an addiction imo. It's best to split before the resentment kicks in so that you can increase the odds of being respectful Co parents rather than ending up angry because there's been cheating or something.

What parent would want to see their child in an unhappy marriage ? Divorce is sad but doing it when you recognise your feelings is millions of times better than waiting it out and hoping that things will change.

If this was the old days when people died at 35 then you might have a point about sticking it out as long as there's no abuse. But most people live until they are in their 80s and 90s and change as they get older. They become more aware of themselves and what they need in a partner which can change over time.

Yes, it probably is selfish in the same way that pursuing happiness usually is. That's not always a bad thing. To thine own self be true.

But women who stay in miserable marriages aren't generally doing it as some noble, thankless act of altruism. There's usually some other reason why they continue the life they're in and it is that for whatever reason, they prefer whatever the benefits are.

People can be a bit vague about the reasons, often to protect the dc. But I don’t know anyone whose divorce wasn’t for cheating or abuse. They still mutter about “growing apart”.

How do you, as an outsider to the people involved, know what is a 'genuinely unhappy' marriage?

My parents divorced when I was 4 and sibling was 6. It was the best bit of our childhood tbh. We got 2 houses each, 2 bedrooms each and didn’t need to listen to anyone arguing anymore. Until round two when they both remarried and divorced again… but that’s a different story the step parents were nicer actually and I’m still in touch with them. I’ve always believed the kids trauma associated with divorce is down to how the parents deal with it. Keep the drama low, put on a brave face , be nice to your ex and they should be okay too.

My parents separated, it was the best thing they could have done for me. If you think having fights in front of your children (and they will know, always) having a resentful relationship between the partners is selfless towards your children, you need your head checked.

Also I'm a step parent because DH ex cheated on him and left him while he was at work for another man.

Sometimes some one else makes the decision for you. The damage she has done to her child through

Why should someone stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of the kids when the kids will then think that's the norm. Come on OP, I think you're spoiling for a fight here

I think that you are kidding yourself if you really think that your kids don't know that things are great- especially as the kids get older and see the body language and overhear stuff.

This is just a goady post and the OP will not come back to give their POV I bet.

What a horrible, goady post, @Readyforafallout. I suspect your name says it all - and that you have no fucking clue why some women can no longer bear to live with their husbands and vice versa.
Your best satisfaction (I'm using the word deliberately) would be found in going and joining a cult where divorce is an absolute no-go. And I wish upon you the nastiest bastard that you could ever meet as a marriage partner.
Trip, trap, trip, trap. 🧌

I think it’s more selfish for people in unhappy marriages to keep having kids.

I've come through the fallouts of my partner having an emotional affair some eight plus years ago, rebuilt our marriage only for things to strangely re-occur (different person) this year. Once is a mistake, twice is unforgivable.

For me, divorce is now a foregone conclusion. It is not my own selfishness and desire to be with someone who actually appreciates me that is driving that, but my children are clearly suffering due to the openly strained relationship between their parents. I also wont have my children feel my OH's behaviour is morally correct.

Children are hugely intuitive. They see and understand far more than we give them credit for as adults. An unhappy home is no place for them to be. In my view it is selfish not to act.

Divorce will be a huge upheaval but my children will come through it and, most importantly, will understand. Children ARE massively resilient, something again we fail to give them enough credit for. I am a strong and confident person, but I know that I will need lots of people to lean on emotionally and mentally over the coming year. But I wont let my children live in that environment.

Yeah the username says it all.. wind them up then watch them go.

Was thinking the same

Make a silly statement to try and wind up all the silly mumsnetters.... 🤔

Why can't people be a bit selfish? Just because you become a parent doesn't mean all your wants and needs don't matter anymore.

In my opinion kids deserve to see happy patents and hopefully be shown what good loving relationships are

In order to make a loveless (and sexless) marriage last for 50+ years requires a lot of skills and commitment from both parents which is unrealistic. It's unrealistic to expect both to feel committed to their spouse, share finances, housework etc. Without any bitterness. Go out together and model a good marriage when you don't feel love.

I can see what the OP is saying, but even in the most trivial seeming divorces, it's usually pretty obvious the couple aren't well suited.

I recently learned the reason for my parents divorce (they split when I was a toddler, I have memory of them being together). It was something like, my dad wanted to spend every weekend doing a hobby —let's call it windsurfing— and my mum didn't want to spend every weekend watching him windsurf, she wanted to do other things and probably get more help with the kids. This seems like something they could have worked through!

But even still, I can't really blame them. Other than the actual 'reason', knowing them both as I do now I can see that they were ill-suited and would have found all new ways to make each other unhappy.

Thanks for your replies …. It’s interesting that people think I may be trolling just because I have asked an opinion on a very common issue . I haven't replied Because I have been reading responses !! I’m going to go to the cinema shortly …. So won’t reply for a while, if that’s ok?!

My ex DH pretty much decided he didn't want to be a parent any more. I only realised afterwards how abnormal it was that I wasn't allowed anywhere on my own, even mum and tots!

I bet my current DH 3 years later, it was another 2 years before we moved in together and he is 100% my children's parent, they're 20 now and even though they don't call him dad, he is to all intents an purposes their dad. Even my ex in-laws say he's better than their own son!

My only happy memories as a child was when my parents got divorced.

When you have kids you have to put them first and if that means separating so they don’t have to walk around on egg shells then so be it.

Why should your kids have to live the lie that you’re still in love and happy when you’re obviously not.

Ask any child of parents who were unhappy with each other for a long time which they’d prefer - staying in the home with both mum and dad or after they’ve been divorced.

Of course the actual separation can be difficult as emotions are raw but it’s up to you as adults to do it as amicably as possible to protect your kids.

I’m assuming your DH wants a divorce and then means you having to get a job and pay your own bills which you aren’t happy about, so you’re trying to make it about the poor children.

Agree

I could not disagree more OP. You don't have to be a martyr.

You've been sat reading responses yet you have no....response?

I wish my parents had got divorced. OP clearly has no idea of what it's like being brought up in a household of constant tension, conflict and unhappiness. I left home 30 years ago and am still massively affected by it.