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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A poll for my husband....

472 replies

Sellingbedtime · 04/08/2023 23:00

So we received an invite to a wedding in Bali months ago. I decided probably not a practical decision to go as we have 2 small children 3yo DD and ds who is 11months. Children were not invited to wedding and I wasn't prepared to ask family to look after them. Anyway fast forward to now. Said wedding is fast approaching and DH is very much packing his bag and readying his passport with every intention of going.... Without us.
I've expressed my thoughts regarding it to him. I feel it's just very selfish. To assume it's ok for him to saunter off whilst I stay here in the trenches dealing with the mayhem of a toddler and baby (as well as going to work etc etc). It actually baffles me he thinks it's ok to go. So AIBU??

Happy to hear all response as i feel perhaps I'm missing something and other people husband's/partners/father's of their children frequently make easy breezy trips to the other side of the planet like it's popping to bloody Yarmouth!

OP posts:
Spywoman · 05/08/2023 08:28

SoberIsTheNew50 · 05/08/2023 08:15

Yes this .

I'd be more than okay if DH wanted to do that, because we are a team and we work together and I know that he would support me if I wanted to do something similar. Especially if it were not causing serious financial hardship.

However, if I was in a situation where things were tough and I felt like I was the main and default parent all the time and DH was inconsiderate in our daily life as well as being inconsiderate of my feelings about a luxury solo holiday then i would be exceptionally unhappy about it.

So - context is everything. The dynamics of the relationship are everything. The practical situation the family are in is everything. So my response to a situation like the OPs would be determined on a number of factors.

Anyway the phrase 'cool wives' is just another way to silence a woman's opinions by ridiculing or invalidating them.

Show quote history

I agree with almost all of this. Except sometimes 'cool wives' is absolutely spot on. In this case though, without a context of the OP's DH being generally selfish it seems unreasonable.

CurlewKate · 05/08/2023 08:28

In my relationship dp would probably have gone if he wanted to. But it would have been after a proper discussion, and him being really sure I wouldn't mind. And with me knowing that, if the situation was reversed, I would have gone if I wanted to. No need of complicated arrangements, financial transactions or revenge plans. Just two people who care about each other and want each other to have a nice time. The lack of discussion is the massive deal here, not the trip!

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2023 08:29

Lapflop · 05/08/2023 08:26

In real life aside from a friend who's child has complex needs I don't know anyone who struggles to be alone with their children for a few days once some sort of childcare for work is figured out (which it has been in this case). I know everyone is different but MN is often a different world I think.

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I did due to chronic illness but even so, dh goes away for about 3 nights most years to see friends as he’s foreign. I muddled through if well enough. If not, my mum helped out.

bowlingalleyblues · 05/08/2023 08:33

Yes he should go, I went to a couple of pals weddings alone abroad when kids were little, it would have been so much more expensive and complicated to bring partner and kids but was still important to me to be there. Arrange some extra support while he is away and have a night off when he’s back, not to get even but just to make it not too hard on you.

MillWood85 · 05/08/2023 08:33

My concern is that he'll come home jet lagged to hell (that's a lot of distance for 5 nights) and be moping round the house like a wet dishrag for days afterwards leaving you holding the fort for longer.... and how much leave will he end up using as a result? That also impacts your family time together.

Sounds like he's not really caught up with being a responsible adult to me.

Zone2NorthLondon · 05/08/2023 08:34

HOUSE!
it’s mumsnet bingo. Eyes down I spot the usual tropes
Cool wivesaka don’t dare deviate from the because I said so rule and I’m the Muvva of your Children. Cook wife is a pejorative term for any action deemed to be too liberal, too right on. Short hand term for woke . It’s simply another way to shut down women for conforming to antiquated norms
All money is family money This will rock your world,women can and do have finances independent of their husband or partners. So not all money is family money. Not all women need or want family money. I do not share my monies

Maireas · 05/08/2023 08:35

saraclara · 05/08/2023 08:14

That depends entirely on the individual couple's circumstances. When I married my DH neither of us had money. We were young, and what we earned over the next 35 years, we earned together in similar salaries. Our money was family money.

Should my DD and her partner get married, she will have a considerable amount of savings, due to her being a person who lives quite frugally and has always been a saver. Additionally she has some money that I gave her after her father died, as a kind of inheritance from him.
If a husband ever dictated to her how she spend a small proportion of that money, I'd be livid.

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We have no idea what their financial situation is.
Your daughter will share assets, that's what marriage is about. If this man can afford a holiday in Bali, maybe they have a significant disposable income. I just baulk at the "it's my money" as a justification.

Cognitivedisonance · 05/08/2023 08:35

OP he’s left you with a very serious decision to make…
which one of your friends are you off to the canaries with after he returns?
I bet with two that age you’re very ready to sit on a beach with a cocktail aren’t you?

Lapflop · 05/08/2023 08:37

saraclara · 05/08/2023 08:14

That depends entirely on the individual couple's circumstances. When I married my DH neither of us had money. We were young, and what we earned over the next 35 years, we earned together in similar salaries. Our money was family money.

Should my DD and her partner get married, she will have a considerable amount of savings, due to her being a person who lives quite frugally and has always been a saver. Additionally she has some money that I gave her after her father died, as a kind of inheritance from him.
If a husband ever dictated to her how she spend a small proportion of that money, I'd be livid.

Show quote history

If her assets and savings are more than her partners I'd hope she wouldn't get married, I'd say that to anyone! Whoever has the most stands to lose the most in marriage, not a popular view I know and I think the same whether its the man or the woman who has more.

olympicsrock · 05/08/2023 08:38

I’d be ok with DH going away for a week in terms of managing by myself.

But i would have an issue with him using leave and family money for this.
If the friend and DH and very close and we could afford it I might suck it up with DH giving me some time to myself for a break before or afterwards

Blossomtoes · 05/08/2023 08:38

Zone2NorthLondon · 05/08/2023 08:34

HOUSE!
it’s mumsnet bingo. Eyes down I spot the usual tropes
Cool wivesaka don’t dare deviate from the because I said so rule and I’m the Muvva of your Children. Cook wife is a pejorative term for any action deemed to be too liberal, too right on. Short hand term for woke . It’s simply another way to shut down women for conforming to antiquated norms
All money is family money This will rock your world,women can and do have finances independent of their husband or partners. So not all money is family money. Not all women need or want family money. I do not share my monies

You took the words out of my mouth. A cool wife with her own money? Scandalous! It’s like feminism never happened.

Zone2NorthLondon · 05/08/2023 08:40

and yes my money is my money. No family money here. No allowances no sharing
Mine is mine . His is His
and yes I’m married and didn’t change my name or my finances, and the children are double barrelled so have our names

GuinnessBird · 05/08/2023 08:41

Maireas · 05/08/2023 08:35

We have no idea what their financial situation is.
Your daughter will share assets, that's what marriage is about. If this man can afford a holiday in Bali, maybe they have a significant disposable income. I just baulk at the "it's my money" as a justification.

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Please tell me what law you are referring to that says when a couple gets married their assets are shared and what is hers is now also his and vice versa?

Maireas · 05/08/2023 08:41

GuinnessBird · 05/08/2023 08:41

Please tell me what law you are referring to that says when a couple gets married their assets are shared and what is hers is now also his and vice versa?

Show quote history

I didn't refer to a law.

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 05/08/2023 08:42

Its his old friend who also care to your wedding. Its only 5 days. He should go

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 05/08/2023 08:42

*came

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 05/08/2023 08:43

It wouldn’t bother me at all TBH.

wouldthatbeworse · 05/08/2023 08:45

It’s not necessarily unreasonable for him to go but it’s definitely for discussion and should not be a unilateral decision. Also take into account he will likely return exhausted and unable to parent for 24/48 hours

HarrietStyles · 05/08/2023 08:46

Personally I would be fine with it. As long as you can book a long weekend away later in the year and he would be willing to look after kids in your absence. We do this most years - I go away for a weekend city break or spa break with friends, he goes on sporting trips etc. It’s good to get a short break from parenting every now and again - as long as it works both ways.

diddl · 05/08/2023 08:47

quietnightmare · 05/08/2023 08:27

This one is easy

You all go to Bali

Make it a holiday. He can go to the wedding and you have a day with the children

Maybe Op doesn't want a family holiday in Bali?

It does sound as if Op's husband just decided to go though.

Sarvanga38 · 05/08/2023 08:47

From your posts, money doesn't seem to be an issue, and you can have some help with childcare. If he's an otherwise good husband who pulls his weight and would wave you off happily in return, I'd have no issue with this. (If he's not, it probably doesn't matter whether you have an issue, he'll go anyway.)

C8H10N4O2 · 05/08/2023 08:54

Sellingbedtime · 05/08/2023 00:04

Thanks for replies. Good to hear all sides.
Thankfully I will get help from my mum as I will be working a couple of night shifts.

Pre children he was often off on his own trips/holidays and I wouldn't bat an eyelid. Just find it harder to smile and wave him off now we have young children.

And did he arrange that help or has he planned his trip without a worry because you are the default parent responsible for all things childcare related?

That would be my issue. You might well, as a couple, decide that only one of you can attend a wedding and plan for that. As parents neither parent gets to unilaterally opt out of parenting for a week on the assumption that the other will pick up the slack.

lljkk · 05/08/2023 08:56

5 nights all that jetlag and what about the RSVP?
5 nights if reciprocated & he arrived back functional would be ok with me.

Hadjab · 05/08/2023 09:01

Comedycook · 04/08/2023 23:34

I think it's generally a really good thing for each person to get a break away from the family once or twice each year

Really? Each parent taking a couple of holidays a year away from the family?

It doesn’t have to be a holiday. Overnight, once or twice a year is fine.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 05/08/2023 09:02

If the shoe were on the other foot, would he be waving you off happily? If he wouldn't like it, he shouldn't be doing it.

Obviously it has to be affordable and there needs to be plans in place that you and the children can be where you need to be when you need to but if all that is in place then it doesn't sound like the end of the world.

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