A poll for my husband....

[Sellingbedtime]

So we received an invite to a wedding in Bali months ago. I decided probably not a practical decision to go as we have 2 small children 3yo DD and ds who is 11months. Children were not invited to wedding and I wasn't prepared to ask family to look after them. Anyway fast forward to now. Said wedding is fast approaching and DH is very much packing his bag and readying his passport with every intention of going.... Without us.
I've expressed my thoughts regarding it to him. I feel it's just very selfish. To assume it's ok for him to saunter off whilst I stay here in the trenches dealing with the mayhem of a toddler and baby (as well as going to work etc etc). It actually baffles me he thinks it's ok to go. So AIBU??

Happy to hear all response as i feel perhaps I'm missing something and other people husband's/partners/father's of their children frequently make easy breezy trips to the other side of the planet like it's popping to bloody Yarmouth!

If your mum will be minding the kids for 2 night shifts when you work, plus presumably 2 day times when you sleep, at least it'll break it up a bit and give you two uninterrupted sleeps.

It's an old school friend, l'd let my husband go (I wouldnt phrase it like that though as I don't own him and nor does he own me!). I have 3 kids 7, 5 and 2, he's been away on stag dos abroad since having kids and so have I on hen dos for that matter. This isn't even that, it's the actual wedding, you just sound controlling and a bit useless if you can't manage your own kids for 5 days, all this in the trenches nonsense. Poor bloke.

YABU. This is fine, it’s not like he’s doing this all the time and it’s his own money. For context mine lived at the other end of the country from the time my youngest DS was a few months old, and only came back every few weeks. Now THAT is unreasonable. It could be worse…

Why would he not be able to parent? Some of us have done longer journeys with the children along for the ride. You just parent on before, during and after the trip because you have to. The kids don't go away because you're tired. It's just part of travel.

I cannot fathom the thinking behind this comment. Any money he spends on this trip is less money for the family. And I am not against the trip by the way, I think he should go in fact considering the friend did likewise, but I don’t think “it’s his money” should be a rationale for it.

You've said a poll, OP? Maybe enable voting.

Newsflash - some people have their own money that’s not available for “the family”. It’s so unhealthy to be expected to relinquish all autonomy - financially or otherwise - because you chose to marry and have kids.

I think the "he'll be using his own money" comment says everything here, clearly not a team if you can't even share money in a marriage yet you manage to share 2 kids. Thing is if you divorce it's everything in the pot and split it, so it's silly logic to have separate finances.

You're too cool!

I think this depends on the dynamics of your relationship, some people are more than happy to go to weddings or even holidays separately, even those with young children.
Others like to go together or not go at all but as you are uncomfortable with him going you both really need to have a chat about it, is there anyone in your family who you can call on if you need any help while he is away?

I don’t actually think he’s being unreasonable.

Its an old school friend of his. Of course he wants to go. Why wouldn’t he? He has the emotional connection to the person and you don’t so it’s easier for you to say no.

You are the one who doesn’t want to go because YOU don’t want to ask family to take care of your kids. That’s fine and reasonable however does that really mean he can’t go to an old friends wedding?

As long as you agree before he goes that you also get five days away somewhere with him watching the kids all should be good.

It seems like you want him to miss out because you don’t want to do something but he does. If it were your old friend from school, what would you do?

@6WeekCountdown "I think the "he'll be using his own money" comment says everything here, clearly not a team if you can't even share money in a marriage yet you manage to share 2 kids."

I think this is absolute bollocks. Yes there should be shared money. But each partner should have their own money too. Obviously the amount depends on the overall family income. But your own, personal, spend-on what-you-want money is essential. Whether it's enough for a cup of coffee or a trip to Bali.

Yes, YABU - unless it is clear he would never 'allow' you to do the same or similar.

I am sure you are more than capable of looking after your children for five days without him. He can make sure that the house is well prepped before he goes - meals in freezer, shopping in, house cleaned etc.

I know it is a different scenario but my DH would be away for a week like this regularly with work when my kids were little. It is ok! We managed fine.

I'm thinking the "don't get mad, get even" approach might just be best. Let him have his holiday then make sure I book time away...

I’m not sure that’s the best approach for a relationship. If I went to a wedding of a friend and then my DH used it as the basis for a trip away “well you went to Bali so I can go to wherever” that would annoy me greatly. It’s not a competition. Things come up and there are times you will leave the children with their father and there are times they will be left with you. Nobody needs to get even.

As long as you can afford it, I wouldn't have a problem with this. Actually, my DH and I have done the same as it just wasn't practical or possible for us both to go to all the various weddings of our friends (many of whom are overseas) and as it's his friend and not yours, why not let him go? It's five days. If you can't cope, can your DM or someone come and stay with you to help out?

Oh get you being all cook wife

Cool wife even be better if you were a cook wife,then you’d know your place

My husband is about to go on his third solo vacay of the year!

Once or twice is fine but three is taking the piss IMO 🤪

My stance is: as long as he can afford it and it doesn't hamper our ability to travel as a family then that's fine. Also the types of separate vacays he goes on don't appeal to me (he motorbikes around dangerous far flung places with his BF)

I usually have one solo trip a year.

I actually enjoy it when he's away: peace and quiet and a simple routine. My DD is 9 and he's done this since she was tiny.

Who says there should be shared monies? It’s a preference not a compulsion
shared monies aren’t a protective factor in a relationship,it does confer longevity or protect against divorce/separation
suggesting a cause & effect eg independent finances = not a team,with no supporting evidence

And yet only 1 in 3 couples entirely share finances with the numbers falling over time

I think it's perfectly reasonable for your husband to go away for a few days without you, provided that you get the same opportunity to go away on your own at another time. And it's not really a poll unless you enable voting.

Why are so many posters aghast that a man dare have his own money?

They do realise that not every family pools their finances?

We put a chunk of our wages into the joint account and anything left over in our accounts is ours.

It’s silly logic to have one style of finances because of how assets are treated in divorce?

What?

Do you not have the option to ask family to look after the kids, or are you choosing not to?
That's what makes the difference I think...

It’s five days? A close friend of his? He’s using money he has saved to pay? Of course he should go! If it was like a two week trip I’d be like “hmmm” but five days.. I also think the “get even” comment is odd, no doubt in the future you’ll be offered by friends to go on trips etc? I think YABU tbh.