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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A poll for my husband....

472 replies

Sellingbedtime · 04/08/2023 23:00

So we received an invite to a wedding in Bali months ago. I decided probably not a practical decision to go as we have 2 small children 3yo DD and ds who is 11months. Children were not invited to wedding and I wasn't prepared to ask family to look after them. Anyway fast forward to now. Said wedding is fast approaching and DH is very much packing his bag and readying his passport with every intention of going.... Without us.
I've expressed my thoughts regarding it to him. I feel it's just very selfish. To assume it's ok for him to saunter off whilst I stay here in the trenches dealing with the mayhem of a toddler and baby (as well as going to work etc etc). It actually baffles me he thinks it's ok to go. So AIBU??

Happy to hear all response as i feel perhaps I'm missing something and other people husband's/partners/father's of their children frequently make easy breezy trips to the other side of the planet like it's popping to bloody Yarmouth!

OP posts:
Caprisunny · 05/08/2023 07:52

Mintearo7 · 05/08/2023 07:35

No he shouldn’t go if you are remotely unhappy about it. Only exception would be close family member getting married. Btw, in a few years the financial decisions you make for your kids will become bigger (clubs/trips) so you need to move to a shared money approach with your DH starting now. Yes small discretionary monthly spend each maybe with no questions asked, but not enough for Bali.

And then people wonder why some people don’t want to get married.

There isn’t one way to run household finances. If that works for you. Great. It doesn’t work for everyone. And I certainly my wouldn’t put up with being allowed a small amount of discretionary spending. And an amount so small you couldn’t ever save up enough to go away.

I out earn dp by quite a lot. I wouldn’t expect him to do that either.

Bax765 · 05/08/2023 07:53

This wouldn't bother me. Just because you have children doesn't mean you need to give up on your own lives and stop doing anything.

As long as it is a 2 way thing and you make sure to take some time away for yourself too of course.

Zanatdy · 05/08/2023 07:54

Janieforever · 05/08/2023 07:32

😂

who does that when they go away, we both travel, albeit for work mainly but sometimes for leisure, and never once would I check the petrol in my husbands car and give him money for a takeaway or bulk cook.

Show quote history

Mumsnet is certainly an odd place isn’t it?! Are women not capable of filling their own car with petrol and cooking their own dinner?!

StampOnTheGround · 05/08/2023 07:57

An old school friend and only 5 days (I say only, because Bali is a long way away!) - I think you should let him have this one.

I've been away for 4 nights for a close friends wedding and I wouldn't have expected my husband to kick up a fuss about it with the DC.

nonheme · 05/08/2023 07:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Ladybug14 · 05/08/2023 08:00

When you originally received the wedding invite, and discussed going/not going, with your husband.....what did he say? What did you say?

Hairyfairy01 · 05/08/2023 08:00

Wouldn't bother me. Its only 5 nights and it sounds like you have a supportive mum nearby and he has saved up to afford it. In fact if you are working a few night shifts anyway and using your mum for childcare it probably has more of an impact on her than you. Life shouldn't stop because you have kids.

AmazingSnakeHead · 05/08/2023 08:02

The batch cooking comment also made me laugh. I think he should go. Your kids aren't that little, you should cope for 5 days. Since it's an old friend of his and you can afford it, I wouldn't object.

Zone2NorthLondon · 05/08/2023 08:07

Maybe in his absence you’ll reflect on your controlling behaviour and unreasonable expectations
You are being unreasonable

rookiemere · 05/08/2023 08:07

This is such a weird one.

Surely the time to make the decision was when the invite was replied to months ago. Its your DHs friend, he came to your wedding and DH is paying for it himself, on all those bases I think YABU.

Plus you seem to be being a bit dramatic about it. Surely DH already bought his flights ? Unless he replied no to the wedding invitation then why is it a surprise?

missmollygreen · 05/08/2023 08:08

YABU, just because you dont want to go doesnt mean he should miss out

CurlewKate · 05/08/2023 08:08

I'm more bothered that you seem not to have discussed it. Why is that?

Lapflop · 05/08/2023 08:13

So we received an invite to a wedding in Bali months ago. I decided probably not a practical decision to go as we have 2 small children 3yo DD and ds who is 11months

It sounds like you made the decision not to go, did you both actually discuss it at all or did you decide on both of your behalfs? Of course things like this should be discussed especially when you have children, but that works both ways and not just telling another adult no.

Personally I wouldn't mind this, I've been away with friends before and DH had been on stag dos etc abroad even after having DC, but we are all different and both us cope fine alone with the children and without counting the days it all equals out over time more or less. What matters though is whether it bothers you and not what randomers on the Internet think.

MN does also get weird about different finance set ups, but some work for people and I don't get the issue. Its one thing is a partner is financially abusive and just spends as they wish whilst the other goes short, but there are fair ways to work money. We pay a proportionate amount to bills each, put money into joint savings and then have an equal amount to spend on what we please; this works for us as I am a saver and DH is more of an impulsive spender. It also means for stuff for ourselves we don't have to ask or get permission, sounds stifling but appreciate for others it works.

saraclara · 05/08/2023 08:14

Maireas · 05/08/2023 06:23

You're married with children. It's family money.

Show quote history

That depends entirely on the individual couple's circumstances. When I married my DH neither of us had money. We were young, and what we earned over the next 35 years, we earned together in similar salaries. Our money was family money.

Should my DD and her partner get married, she will have a considerable amount of savings, due to her being a person who lives quite frugally and has always been a saver. Additionally she has some money that I gave her after her father died, as a kind of inheritance from him.
If a husband ever dictated to her how she spend a small proportion of that money, I'd be livid.

SoberIsTheNew50 · 05/08/2023 08:15

UsingChangeofName · 05/08/2023 00:12

Unfortunately op, all the "cool wives" are out tonight!

I never understand when this phrase is trotted out what posters are trying to suggest.

If you think it is "cool" to work together as a couple to try to make things work out when either of you particularly want to do something, then yes, I'll take that. Although many of us think it is pretty normal for spouses to try to help each other get the most out of life.

Yes this .

I'd be more than okay if DH wanted to do that, because we are a team and we work together and I know that he would support me if I wanted to do something similar. Especially if it were not causing serious financial hardship.

However, if I was in a situation where things were tough and I felt like I was the main and default parent all the time and DH was inconsiderate in our daily life as well as being inconsiderate of my feelings about a luxury solo holiday then i would be exceptionally unhappy about it.

So - context is everything. The dynamics of the relationship are everything. The practical situation the family are in is everything. So my response to a situation like the OPs would be determined on a number of factors.

Anyway the phrase 'cool wives' is just another way to silence a woman's opinions by ridiculing or invalidating them.

MollyRover · 05/08/2023 08:20

Comedycook · 04/08/2023 23:58

Unfortunately op, all the "cool wives" are out tonight!

I'm not a "cool wife". DH more than pulls his weight at home and with the DC. We both work the same hours and earn around the same. I never have to ask permission to go anywhere, buy anything, why would he have to do it? We have no help from family and spend a fortune in childcare already, unfortunately with the ages our DC are we only have eachother for support. He goes away for a sport he takes part in for 5 days once a year and I'm glad he can do this for his well-being. In fact I took a day or two of annual leave in the past so he can go. I've only been away a couple of times since DC were born but would have a generally much busier social life, and I could go if I wanted.

billy1966 · 05/08/2023 08:22

TheShellBeach · 05/08/2023 01:21

I'm thinking the "don't get mad, get even" approach might just be best.

I have a feeling that your marriage will be in trouble if this is how you and your husband operate. In fact, it already is, because he has gone against your wishes and spent family money, just enjoying himself on a trip abroad.

This.

His disregard for you and how you will manage is telling.

I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg.

Good men do not do this without your complete support.

As a matter of principle he needs to take the children for equal time on his return.

Unfortunately many women don't do this and so a habit is formed that he takes his time away and the marriage is doomed.

Mind that job of yours, you may need it.

My husband has always pulled his weight so I wouldn't have had a problem with this, but he himself never saw trips of this length and distance appropriate once we had children.

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 05/08/2023 08:23

Charrington · 05/08/2023 07:26

Has he organised childcare to cover his time away or just assumed you’ll pick up the slack? Even if it’s your mum, he should be the one asking, and organising a lovely gift to show his appreciation.

Has he got a full shop in, and cooked a few extra dinners or stocked up the freezer to make life easier?

Has he made an extra effort to get the house clean and tidy, and caught up on the laundry?

Has he checked you have enough petrol in your car?

Has he spoken to the 3 year old about being away, and thought about when the best time to zoom call them will be.

Given that he has his own money to finance this trip, has he left you money for takeaways and to pay for a sitter?

Lol, is this a joke? I would be insulted if my DH felt he needed to do this for me. Most women are capable of managing without a man for 5 days!

GuinnessBird · 05/08/2023 08:25

He's using his money, as long as you get equal time away somewhere I can't see the issue?

He's allowed to have his own money, just like the OP is.

Lapflop · 05/08/2023 08:26

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 05/08/2023 08:23

Lol, is this a joke? I would be insulted if my DH felt he needed to do this for me. Most women are capable of managing without a man for 5 days!

Show quote history

In real life aside from a friend who's child has complex needs I don't know anyone who struggles to be alone with their children for a few days once some sort of childcare for work is figured out (which it has been in this case). I know everyone is different but MN is often a different world I think.

Serendipitoushedgehog · 05/08/2023 08:26

How do you work out your finances as a couple? Has he used joint money to pay for this trip without you agreeing to it?

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2023 08:26

It sounds as if the friend made a big effort to attend your wedding and this isn’t a destination wedding as such as he lives abroad. I wouldn’t have an issue if your dh normally pulls his weight and you as a couple can afford it. Your mum will be helping out. Context is everything.

quietnightmare · 05/08/2023 08:27

This one is easy

You all go to Bali

Make it a holiday. He can go to the wedding and you have a day with the children

GuinnessBird · 05/08/2023 08:27

Serendipitoushedgehog · 05/08/2023 08:26

How do you work out your finances as a couple? Has he used joint money to pay for this trip without you agreeing to it?

OP has already said that he is using his own money.

Spirallingdownwards · 05/08/2023 08:28

Serendipitoushedgehog · 05/08/2023 08:26

How do you work out your finances as a couple? Has he used joint money to pay for this trip without you agreeing to it?

OP already said finances not an issue as he used his own money