Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A poll for my husband....

472 replies

Sellingbedtime · 04/08/2023 23:00

So we received an invite to a wedding in Bali months ago. I decided probably not a practical decision to go as we have 2 small children 3yo DD and ds who is 11months. Children were not invited to wedding and I wasn't prepared to ask family to look after them. Anyway fast forward to now. Said wedding is fast approaching and DH is very much packing his bag and readying his passport with every intention of going.... Without us.
I've expressed my thoughts regarding it to him. I feel it's just very selfish. To assume it's ok for him to saunter off whilst I stay here in the trenches dealing with the mayhem of a toddler and baby (as well as going to work etc etc). It actually baffles me he thinks it's ok to go. So AIBU??

Happy to hear all response as i feel perhaps I'm missing something and other people husband's/partners/father's of their children frequently make easy breezy trips to the other side of the planet like it's popping to bloody Yarmouth!

OP posts:
Riapia · 05/08/2023 07:20

whilst I stay here in the trenches dealing with the mayhem of a toddler and baby

Trenches and mayhem, how the fuck have the DC be allowed to become feral in such a short time.

Dombasle · 05/08/2023 07:20

It's his friend and he's paying for it.

I wouldn't have any problem with him going and I certainly wouldn't have a tit for tat feeling about it, either.

ActDottie · 05/08/2023 07:20

Just let him go. Tbh if you aren’t prepared for your kids to stay with family this is probably the best solution given it’s his friend.

Copperoliverbear · 05/08/2023 07:22

I would let him go but I would book five nights away myself with my friends, it's nice sometimes when you can get away and not be mummy and daddy all the time x

FrenchandSaunders · 05/08/2023 07:23

I wouldn’t mind this but he should have discussed it with you.

Mine are adults now but we used to have separate weekends/holidays occasionally when they were small.

Prescottdanni123 · 05/08/2023 07:24

The big question is, if it was one of your school friends who was getting married somewhere abroad, would you want to go and leave him with the kids?

Spirallingdownwards · 05/08/2023 07:24

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 04/08/2023 23:24

Not being funny but if married then by law all money is joint money.
My husband would get a frost reception if he did this, both before and after the trip.

Show quote history

By law not all money is joint money.

On divorce then all assets and considered and a split is made depending on assets available and needs of the parties and a 50/50 split is the assumed starting point.

AgnesX · 05/08/2023 07:25

Given the context, is this a best friend? And using his own money it's not unreasonable for him to go.

Equally not unreasonable for you to be a bit miffed that he's off on a bit of a jolly while you're keeping the home fire burning.

Charrington · 05/08/2023 07:26

Has he organised childcare to cover his time away or just assumed you’ll pick up the slack? Even if it’s your mum, he should be the one asking, and organising a lovely gift to show his appreciation.

Has he got a full shop in, and cooked a few extra dinners or stocked up the freezer to make life easier?

Has he made an extra effort to get the house clean and tidy, and caught up on the laundry?

Has he checked you have enough petrol in your car?

Has he spoken to the 3 year old about being away, and thought about when the best time to zoom call them will be.

Given that he has his own money to finance this trip, has he left you money for takeaways and to pay for a sitter?

Janieforever · 05/08/2023 07:30

I’d also be ok with this unless there is something you haven’t said. So it’s affordable, not family finances, it’s 5 days, two of which you will have child care as working, and it’s a friend who did the same for him.

Janieforever · 05/08/2023 07:32

Charrington · 05/08/2023 07:26

Has he organised childcare to cover his time away or just assumed you’ll pick up the slack? Even if it’s your mum, he should be the one asking, and organising a lovely gift to show his appreciation.

Has he got a full shop in, and cooked a few extra dinners or stocked up the freezer to make life easier?

Has he made an extra effort to get the house clean and tidy, and caught up on the laundry?

Has he checked you have enough petrol in your car?

Has he spoken to the 3 year old about being away, and thought about when the best time to zoom call them will be.

Given that he has his own money to finance this trip, has he left you money for takeaways and to pay for a sitter?

😂

who does that when they go away, we both travel, albeit for work mainly but sometimes for leisure, and never once would I check the petrol in my husbands car and give him money for a takeaway or bulk cook.

Spirallingdownwards · 05/08/2023 07:32

fullbloom87 · 05/08/2023 01:54

'His' money?? They're a family It doesn't work like that.

Show quote history

Clearly their set up is that they do have their own money. OP has said she works , presumably she has "her" money too. In their family perhaps it does work like that.

I suspect, like me, yours does not but other people arrange their finances differently. OP does not have a problem with the financial side just that he is going.

Spirallingdownwards · 05/08/2023 07:34

Charrington · 05/08/2023 07:26

Has he organised childcare to cover his time away or just assumed you’ll pick up the slack? Even if it’s your mum, he should be the one asking, and organising a lovely gift to show his appreciation.

Has he got a full shop in, and cooked a few extra dinners or stocked up the freezer to make life easier?

Has he made an extra effort to get the house clean and tidy, and caught up on the laundry?

Has he checked you have enough petrol in your car?

Has he spoken to the 3 year old about being away, and thought about when the best time to zoom call them will be.

Given that he has his own money to finance this trip, has he left you money for takeaways and to pay for a sitter?

Maybe he assumed that he had a capable wife.

TenoringBehind · 05/08/2023 07:34

I think it’s fine so long as:

  1. you can afford it
  2. you get equivalent time child free to go somewhere in the not too distant future
Mintearo7 · 05/08/2023 07:35

No he shouldn’t go if you are remotely unhappy about it. Only exception would be close family member getting married. Btw, in a few years the financial decisions you make for your kids will become bigger (clubs/trips) so you need to move to a shared money approach with your DH starting now. Yes small discretionary monthly spend each maybe with no questions asked, but not enough for Bali.

Spirallingdownwards · 05/08/2023 07:35

Janieforever · 05/08/2023 07:32

😂

who does that when they go away, we both travel, albeit for work mainly but sometimes for leisure, and never once would I check the petrol in my husbands car and give him money for a takeaway or bulk cook.

Show quote history

The checking the petrol comment made me choke on my tea!! I mesn who checks the petrol in someone else's car for them ?

WannaBeRecluse · 05/08/2023 07:37

fullbloom87 · 05/08/2023 02:00

Well OP is feeling the stress isn't she. She has a baby and a 3 year old and is expected to go back to work and do night shifts around that time after maternity leave. It's not the best time for him to be jetting off for fun to the other side of the world. She's allowed to feel resentment at him feeling like he's able to do that without feeling bad when she doesn't feel like she could justify going due to possible mum guilt.

Show quote history

Her Mum is available to help and fill the gap when she's at work. I totally get not wanting to leave your kids to do the same. I was the same. I'd never have gone because I didn't want to leave my kids, not because I didn't have the opportunity. OP has said she is free to do the same, she just doesn't want to. If we can't bring ourselves to leave our kids, it's our choice. It's not on our DH's that we just can't bring ourselves to do it if they can.

Sure it would be nice if DH decided not to go. It's understandable OP has some anxiety about it if she's never done it before. It's just something you get used to. My DH is about to take off for ten days. You get used to it.

Janieforever · 05/08/2023 07:37

Mintearo7 · 05/08/2023 07:35

No he shouldn’t go if you are remotely unhappy about it. Only exception would be close family member getting married. Btw, in a few years the financial decisions you make for your kids will become bigger (clubs/trips) so you need to move to a shared money approach with your DH starting now. Yes small discretionary monthly spend each maybe with no questions asked, but not enough for Bali.

No she doesn’t need to move to a shared money approach lol. Plenty of couples have joint money and their own. We always did. It works plenty fine. Give over.

Janieforever · 05/08/2023 07:39

Spirallingdownwards · 05/08/2023 07:35

The checking the petrol comment made me choke on my tea!! I mesn who checks the petrol in someone else's car for them ?

Show quote history

I know, I’m away at the end of the month, can’t imagine stocking up, cleaning the house, checking his petrol and leaving him some money for takeaways. Literally who does that, it’s leaving another capable person, not your teenage kid.😂

ifonly4 · 05/08/2023 07:44

I'd be more than happy for him to go and wish him a good time. DH was regularly away from home (admittedly working) while our family was young - I often found it easier as I got into my own routine.

Don't forget it works both ways, if you want an evening out, shopping day with friends or a couple of nights away with friends, then he will hopefully do the same for you. I'd start planning something nice for myself!

Caprisunny · 05/08/2023 07:45

Jesus wept. This thread is hilarious!

Why wouldn’t the Op be able to fill the car with petrol? Does he have to be present for that every time?

the opening post from the Op states ‘I decided we weren’t going’ it’s not really just her decision not to go. She can decide she doesn’t want to go. And the rest should have been a conversation.

But I don’t see why he can’t go to a long time friends wedding.

I also don’t believe for a minute op had no idea he was going until this week. Op said ‘no we aren’t going’ and he didn’t object…..just went and booked a flight anyway and didn’t say anything til now? I think it’s far more likely she said no, he said he wanted to go and it’s been a bone of contention every since with ‘yes/no’ back and forth since the invite arrived.

Zanatdy · 05/08/2023 07:49

My ex went to St Lucia on a rugby trip when mine were 9 months and 3. My mum came to stay, but he went overseas a lot, mainly work work, and I coped fine. I do think partners should be able to have holidays with friends etc, and if it means a lot to him then he should go (eg if it’s a close friend). I can understand you’re annoyed, but I do feel we aren’t tied to our partners and can go away without them. As long as he’s prepared to look after the kids when you take a holiday with a friend.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 05/08/2023 07:50

it's normal when you have babies and toddlers to put your own needs on the back burner.

Just because something is normal, doesn't mean it's healthy.

Scottishgirl85 · 05/08/2023 07:51

I honestly see no issue. You have childcare and it's only 5 days. What are you worried about? I'd be encouraging my husband to go and see his friend get married. Some things on here baffle me!

My husband and I have jobs where we need to travel abroad, so this is a regular occurrence for us. We have 3 young kids.

Alargeoneplease89 · 05/08/2023 07:52

sheworemellowyellow · 04/08/2023 23:18

Given the context, he should go. It’s five days. You’ll cope. And then you take a break when it’s convenient to you.

If I can’t then you can’t” is a waste of time in a marriage. Make it work, both of you.

100% agree with this.