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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A poll for my husband....

472 replies

Sellingbedtime · 04/08/2023 23:00

So we received an invite to a wedding in Bali months ago. I decided probably not a practical decision to go as we have 2 small children 3yo DD and ds who is 11months. Children were not invited to wedding and I wasn't prepared to ask family to look after them. Anyway fast forward to now. Said wedding is fast approaching and DH is very much packing his bag and readying his passport with every intention of going.... Without us.
I've expressed my thoughts regarding it to him. I feel it's just very selfish. To assume it's ok for him to saunter off whilst I stay here in the trenches dealing with the mayhem of a toddler and baby (as well as going to work etc etc). It actually baffles me he thinks it's ok to go. So AIBU??

Happy to hear all response as i feel perhaps I'm missing something and other people husband's/partners/father's of their children frequently make easy breezy trips to the other side of the planet like it's popping to bloody Yarmouth!

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 05/08/2023 14:10

Honeychickpea · 05/08/2023 14:08

Or indeed allow them to rule us. For many of us marriage does not remove autonomy.

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Quite. Retaining autonomy in marriage is vital for both parties.

FloydPepper · 05/08/2023 14:14

Blossomtoes · 05/08/2023 14:10

Quite. Retaining autonomy in marriage is vital for both parties.

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I think for a lot on here it’s only vital for women.

Zone2NorthLondon · 05/08/2023 14:15

Comedycook · 05/08/2023 13:43

A lot of stepford wives on here....as long as hubby is happy he can do whatever the hell he likes types....🙄

Stepford wives?Have the cool wives been dispatched & replaced by passive shagbots

Comedycook · 05/08/2023 14:18

Blossomtoes · 05/08/2023 13:57

Oh, we’ve moved on from cool wives, have we? We don’t all rule our blokes with a rod of iron.

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Awww as long as hubster is happy...I'll put up with any old shit hey?!

At least the stepford wives didn't have to work nightshifts....

Blossomtoes · 05/08/2023 14:22

I don’t have a ‘hubby” or a “hubster”. Nor do I put up with any shit. I do expect him to have a life independent of me, just as he expects it of me. Fuck me, life in your house must be like being in prison.

Comedycook · 05/08/2023 14:25

Blossomtoes · 05/08/2023 14:22

I don’t have a ‘hubby” or a “hubster”. Nor do I put up with any shit. I do expect him to have a life independent of me, just as he expects it of me. Fuck me, life in your house must be like being in prison.

My dh does what he wants...but our kids are older and I don't have to work. Funny how so many men nowadays have their cake and eat it....so many women having to work with tiny DC whilst their husbands spend the money on themselves living it up. Mugs

Caprisunny · 05/08/2023 14:53

Comedycook · 05/08/2023 14:25

My dh does what he wants...but our kids are older and I don't have to work. Funny how so many men nowadays have their cake and eat it....so many women having to work with tiny DC whilst their husbands spend the money on themselves living it up. Mugs

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Wow?

So you think this situation is due to selfish men….but also insult the women? Lovely!

I absolutely love dp having a separate life from me. I love having a life that doesn’t need him involved in everything either. It’s blissful!

Also love having my own money. It’s not Dps or shared. Or ‘the money’ it’s mine to do as I wish.

No one In this situation is spending ‘the money’ he is spending his money. He own spending money. Do you object to people having their own money? Sounds very controlling. Or is it simply insecurity that you don’t have your own income that’s just for you?

Comedycook · 05/08/2023 14:55

Caprisunny · 05/08/2023 14:53

Wow?

So you think this situation is due to selfish men….but also insult the women? Lovely!

I absolutely love dp having a separate life from me. I love having a life that doesn’t need him involved in everything either. It’s blissful!

Also love having my own money. It’s not Dps or shared. Or ‘the money’ it’s mine to do as I wish.

No one In this situation is spending ‘the money’ he is spending his money. He own spending money. Do you object to people having their own money? Sounds very controlling. Or is it simply insecurity that you don’t have your own income that’s just for you?

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There's a time and a place for buggering off on holiday half way round the world by yourself... When you have a baby, toddler and working wife, that's not the time.

Blossomtoes · 05/08/2023 14:59

He’s not buggering off on holiday. He’s taking a five day trip to a wedding to which his wife was invited but decided not to attend. In his absence his mil will support his wife. God alone knows what you think of military families where blokes are away for weeks or months on end.

Comedycook · 05/08/2023 15:00

Blossomtoes · 05/08/2023 14:59

He’s not buggering off on holiday. He’s taking a five day trip to a wedding to which his wife was invited but decided not to attend. In his absence his mil will support his wife. God alone knows what you think of military families where blokes are away for weeks or months on end.

I think they're working

Caprisunny · 05/08/2023 15:03

Comedycook · 05/08/2023 14:55

There's a time and a place for buggering off on holiday half way round the world by yourself... When you have a baby, toddler and working wife, that's not the time.

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Why not? Op has said herself that she is going to book time away herself. Or is it ok for her to do that, but not him?

It may come as a surprise, but not everyone is you. What you would or wouldn’t like is entirely irrelevant.

What you are saying isn’t a fact. Blanket statements such as ‘that’s not the time’ doesn’t work. Because lots of people and their partners are fine with it.

Comedycook · 05/08/2023 15:06

Caprisunny · 05/08/2023 15:03

Why not? Op has said herself that she is going to book time away herself. Or is it ok for her to do that, but not him?

It may come as a surprise, but not everyone is you. What you would or wouldn’t like is entirely irrelevant.

What you are saying isn’t a fact. Blanket statements such as ‘that’s not the time’ doesn’t work. Because lots of people and their partners are fine with it.

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Booking herself time away to make it fair doesn't mean his behaviour isn't fundamentally selfish. I doubt he's particularly bothered by the fact it's a friend's wedding. Most men don't care about sentimental stuff. It's a jolly up. I still don't understand why the op isn't still on mat leave if her baby is under one?

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 05/08/2023 15:09

His friend rather than yours, he's paying for it out of his own savings... I don't see a problem tbh. I did similar (ny friend's wedding in Tuscany, 4 days) when my dc were small. Dh encouraged me to go and happily looked after the dc while I was away. I would have been fine with him doing the same. Not because I'm a 'cool wife', just because it wouldn't have been a problem for me in any way.

Caprisunny · 05/08/2023 15:10

Comedycook · 05/08/2023 15:06

Booking herself time away to make it fair doesn't mean his behaviour isn't fundamentally selfish. I doubt he's particularly bothered by the fact it's a friend's wedding. Most men don't care about sentimental stuff. It's a jolly up. I still don't understand why the op isn't still on mat leave if her baby is under one?

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So she can take it and it’s fine as long as she takes it second? Again, she has support. It’s not impact her finances. There’s no reason for him not to go. Just because Op decided they weren’t going and assumed it was only her decision, doesn’t mean he agrees.

Why do you insist on assuming all men or all women have certain behaviour.

Of course it’s a jolly. It’s a wedding!

and I am guessing she isn’t on MAT leave because not all women take a year.

Again, surprise, people are different.

Blossomtoes · 05/08/2023 15:12

Comedycook · 05/08/2023 15:00

I think they're working

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They’re still away. 🙄

Comedycook · 05/08/2023 15:15

It's basically illustrative of how women are totally screwed over. Working and looking after kids whilst their husbands get to live like single men. Yay feminism

UsingChangeofName · 05/08/2023 15:17

I'm not sure if you are just describing your life @Comedycook , but you are certainly not describing mine. Nor it seems, most of us on this thread.

It might not be where you are in life (I don't know), but why are you finding it so difficult to accept what so many posters have told you about how other couple live - with equality, respect, some autonomy, and some give and take between equal partners ?

Comedycook · 05/08/2023 15:39

UsingChangeofName · 05/08/2023 15:17

I'm not sure if you are just describing your life @Comedycook , but you are certainly not describing mine. Nor it seems, most of us on this thread.

It might not be where you are in life (I don't know), but why are you finding it so difficult to accept what so many posters have told you about how other couple live - with equality, respect, some autonomy, and some give and take between equal partners ?

Well considering I don't work.. I'm not describing myself thanks.

Where's the respect for his working wife?

Zone2NorthLondon · 05/08/2023 16:13

I have my own money,no shared,no our,no we
joint for mortgage,nursery,utilities,shared bills pay proportionately to income
after our respective shared outgoings we maintain totally separate finances
If we go out to eat,we do not split the bill. There’s no shared monies or expectation one will pay for other. I’m vegetarian and don’t drink so why would I split bill with my meat eating negroni sipping partner. Yes, I’ll tot up what I’ve had and pay my share plus a tip.

Caprisunny · 05/08/2023 16:19

Comedycook · 05/08/2023 15:15

It's basically illustrative of how women are totally screwed over. Working and looking after kids whilst their husbands get to live like single men. Yay feminism

How is the Op screwed over? It’s 5 days!

Zone2NorthLondon · 05/08/2023 16:24

Looking after your own kids,that’s what parents do.Working?great she kept that going.
I see no life derailment or shortcomings here that are attributable to feminism
Only screwed thing here is @Sellingbedtime controlling behaviour regard her partner attending a social event overseas

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 05/08/2023 16:31

As someone who’s always happy to get rid of their DH for a few days, I’d be encouraging him to go. Life’s easier when it’s just me and the kids at home. My kids aren’t small though. I might fee differently if they weee babies.

BigFatLiar · 05/08/2023 16:40

I used to go on holidays on my own when the kids were little. I liked holidays trekking in hot places an active holidays, nor really suitable for little ones and OH doesn't like hot places. All our money was shared so they came out of family money, OH was fine with it.

Janieforever · 05/08/2023 16:54

Comedycook · 05/08/2023 15:39

Well considering I don't work.. I'm not describing myself thanks.

Where's the respect for his working wife?

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She’s not screwed over and it isn’t disrespectful for him to go to his friends wedding overseas. What an over the top reacrion?

Mumof2teens79 · 05/08/2023 17:10

Whoah this thread took a nose dive!
Stepford wives?? Ffs. Far from it.

In my experience more mums are likely to go away on a break with their friends. Most people I know do it at least once a year, whether it's a wedding, hen do, regular mums trip or a hockey tour.
My OH has been on rugby tours and even skiing trips with work.
I once had to go away for two weeks for training with work. We have both also turned things down because it wasn't convenient.

The point is we discuss it and agree,
One of us doesn't unilaterally decide no and it's never a surprise that the other is going away.