A poll for my husband....

[Sellingbedtime]

So we received an invite to a wedding in Bali months ago. I decided probably not a practical decision to go as we have 2 small children 3yo DD and ds who is 11months. Children were not invited to wedding and I wasn't prepared to ask family to look after them. Anyway fast forward to now. Said wedding is fast approaching and DH is very much packing his bag and readying his passport with every intention of going.... Without us.
I've expressed my thoughts regarding it to him. I feel it's just very selfish. To assume it's ok for him to saunter off whilst I stay here in the trenches dealing with the mayhem of a toddler and baby (as well as going to work etc etc). It actually baffles me he thinks it's ok to go. So AIBU??

Happy to hear all response as i feel perhaps I'm missing something and other people husband's/partners/father's of their children frequently make easy breezy trips to the other side of the planet like it's popping to bloody Yarmouth!

If cool wife means giving each other freedom in a relationship and supporting each other and working as a mutually beneficial supportive team. Then it’s a huge compliment, call me a cool wife with a cool husband all day long, I’ll take that and thank you kindly.

if cool wife means not controlling your husband, not dictating what he can and cannot do, not dictating you can’t have individual spending money so you can control what it’s spent on, and call it family money to enable that control, to not let your spouse out, to not decide what they can and cannot do, then again it’s a huge compliment and I will take it and thank you kindly.

This. All day long.

I've expressed my thoughts regarding it to him For us, marriage/partnership and immediate family come before everything. So even if it was something one of us really wanted to do, if the other said they had real problems with it, then it wouldn’t be happening (although this is based on both of us doing whatever we can to make sure the other gets to do things they want to do). The fact that he’s still going after you’ve told him that you have a real problem with it makes me think that you’re married to someone who has a real selfish streak.

What exactly is it that you’re not happy about? Is it the money? The loss of annual leave rather than saving it to spend together? Is it that you don’t want to have to rely on your mum for help? Is it that Yarmouth would be fine because he could get back quickly in an emergency but Bali is an exotic holiday destination that is more suited to a family trip? Is it that you wouldn’t dream of leaving your children for a week to go swanning off to have fun in the sun and you’re angry with him because he can’t wait to do it? All are perfectly valid and understandable reasons, but I think identifying exactly which bit you have an issue with might help you decide what to do about it, and might make more sense to him than ‘it’s not fair’. He’ll just be thinking that it’s not coming out of the family pot and you’ll have your mum to help, so won’t understand what the problem is.

The ‘getting even’ approach is just a tit for tat way of doing things and is not something that should be happening in a healthy relationship.

For us, marriage/partnership and immediate family come before everything. So even if it was something one of us really wanted to do, if the other said they had real problems with it, then it wouldn’t be happening (although this is based on both of us doing whatever we can to make sure the other gets to do things they want to do). The fact that he’s still going after you’ve told him that you have a real problem with it makes me think that you’re married to someone who has a real selfish streak.

oddly I have the opposite take, I think the fact she’s a problem with it means the opposite, he is the one married to someone with a selfish streak.

Ok let's think of it this way - you tell him no you can't go. It sounds really unreasonable because it's a good friend, you have the finances, you have help.
You still tell him no and he's upset and resentful. He holds it against you. A couple of years later, you have the opportunity but he's going to want to say no because of how you made him feel.
As long as he's a good man, marriage and partnership is all about give and take and supporting each other. You support each other's work and career, support each other with family, friends, hobbies and fun.
It should work both ways and you both grow as people together and hope to be happy.
That doesn't mean marriage is this idealistic because of course life happens but what's the point of denying each other things that each partner wants to do when there's no good reason?
I don't think im a 'cool' wife in the way it's meant on this thread but dh and I both have our passions and we both encourage each other with things like this if we can't all go.

When "family money" is trotted out, there is usually a sahp or a very part time worker involved. I've never heard it among couples who earn equivalent amounts.

Preach!

So if you want to say go away with a. Friend and your husband has a real problem with it, you wouldn’t go?

Even if all his objections were things that could easily be dealt with?

One Simply says no, for any reason and you don’t do it?

Thats not a partnership many people aspire to

I would not have a problem with this. Dh and I live in the UK which to our extended families and friends, it’ll be ‘abroad’ as they are all in diff countries and some still in our home country. This is something we do when a friend or family is getting married.
For 2 brothers, we’ve travelled as a family for their weddings however for friends, depending on whose friend it is, how close they are and what our finances are like at the time, only one of us goes for the event. Obviously if we can’t afford it then no one goes but that’s not the case here.

And for some PP that keep throttling out ‘family money’, we both work full time here, have a joint account and also have our own individual accounts for personal savings and personal spends (like this one, obviously if my friend is getting married abroad and I’ll rather use my savings for something else then I don’t go).
Being married does not mean that one has no financial independence again.

If cool wife means giving each other freedom in a relationship and supporting each other and working as a mutually beneficial supportive team. Then it’s a huge compliment, call me a cool wife with a cool husband all day long, I’ll take that and thank you kindly

Freedom is one thing but it's about timing...the ops dc are very young. 3 and not even 1 yet....she also works. It's a lot. The family should take priority at this point in their life. Surely there are times in our lives when we put our own wants to the side. I have teens and am a sahm...I wouldn't mins if dh wanted to go away for a week. I'd have minded very much if my dc were babies/toddlers and I was working nights.

I’m assuming you got bored halfway through and didn’t bother reading the bit where I said that that was based on both of us doing everything we can to facilitate the other being able to do exactly what they wanted to do?

Neither of us ‘simply say no’ for any reason. We’re not the boss of the other and neither of us would ever think we had the right to say the other could or couldn’t do something. If he ever told me he had a genuine problem with me doing something, it would be for a bloody good reason (like having to suddenly pay out for an urgent and unavoidable unexpected expense and him not being able to find the money anywhere else), not something that could be easily overcome. And it would be me who put our family first and wouldn’t go, not him telling me I couldn’t.

Your list of valid reasons comes under my list of ‘could be easily dealt with’.

Non of them are objections that can’t be over come. So it’s say no for no real reason.

Op isn’t objecting to the money being spent. She has childcare help. Ops first post clearly she decided she didn’t want to go. Not that there’s was a discussion. The words are ‘I decided’. She didn’t want to ask family to have the kids for the whole trip. And they won’t be.

Her objection to asking family to have the kids for the whole trip has been addressed. That’s the only reason she decided (not we decided) it was a no go. We don’t even know if he agreed to not going.

I think in relationships anyone who decides ‘we aren’t going because I said so’ is in the wrong and not someone I would want to be with. That’s the person with the selfish streak.

I would be happy to put myself out, so dp could attend and long term friends wedding. He would do it for me. I find it odd that an objection from a partner than can be replaced would put something to an end. Simply because both people in the relationship don’t want an inconvenience.

So what if they are young. Do you know how many military spouses, single parents, parents whose partners work away, there are. No one needs to prioritise their kids to such an extent they forego something like this, unless of course either the other parent or the kids have additional needs or can’t cope, the op is perfectly capable of looking after them for a few nights , she has help and they have the money.

what a miserable way to view marriage and parenting and a miserable way to live life.

Yes it's perfectly fine to prioritise your kids when they're babies. I mean how far would you take it? Would it be ok if their baby was two weeks old?

Actually, I was being sarcastic. It’s evident from my other post I think cool wife is a pejorative term

I don't see the problem with him going away for five days . My issue would be finance but if it is alright on that front then it sounds as if he would like to go and I would like my DH to be having fun.

If you cannot be bothered to read and digest each sentence of my post then fair enough. I certainly don’t expect anyone to be fascinated by my opinion. But please understand that that is the reason I cannot be bothered to derail the thread by explaining to you why you have completely misunderstood everything I’ve said. It would be utterly pointless and not fun for anyone. Have a lovely afternoon.

I can only base my advice from my experience, which is that a problem with it would be a real issue and not just a bit of annoyance that he’s having a break with his friends in the sun while she’s stuck at home. So, in my own situation, a problem would be something significant arising, like not having enough money to pay for the trip and the rent, or a medical issue and having no friends or family around to help out.

Most of the women on here have shitty selfish husbands op. They're used to solo parenting and a partner that fucks off because they're not the default parent. You aren't going to get a normal response on here.

Not sure how you've come to the conclusion that " most of the women on here have shitty husbands"
I certainly don't.
I'm certainly not "used to solo parenting and a partner that fucks off because they're not the default parent".
We both parent, and here's a thing, we both communicate with each other about what we'd like to do. We also do what we can to support each other and enable each other to do things that make our lives a little bit better. We have a joint calendar so we can work out who can do what, and when.
So I would be encouraging my dh to go in these circumstances, just as he has happily looked after our 3 (even without the help of any Grandparents, like the OP has) when I have been away with friends. Oh, and that's "just" because it was a nice break for me to go away with friends each year, not for anything as important as a long standing friend's wedding.

Can you not all go? We went when kids were similar ages and it was great. They're so child friendly there.

If not, is it really a big deal for him to go? Yes, I get that it's tough riding solo but I it's important to DH and I that sometimes we can grin and bear it so the other one can go and do something they really want to.

Exactly

Some really good posts by @Janieforever across the thread.

A lot of stepford wives on here....as long as hubby is happy he can do whatever the hell he likes types....🙄

Oh, we’ve moved on from cool wives, have we? We don’t all rule our blokes with a rod of iron.

Or indeed allow them to rule us. For many of us marriage does not remove autonomy.