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Original poster

That I’m not DH “true love”

666 replies

Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 20:00

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

OP posts:
MummyJ36 · 04/08/2023 23:01

God OP that’s horrendous. I know personally I would never look at my DH in the same way again if he said that.

What would he doing you said something like that to him??

Charrington · 04/08/2023 23:03

Slightly tangential but you’ve referred to your age difference in a slightly negative way twice. It’s a tiny detail but it really speaks to your insecurity, and that is a direct result of living with a man who doesn’t love you.

Duty? He’s used you and couched it in this term so he can live with himself. But whether he means to or not, he’s slowly destroying you drip by drip.

I’m not going to say LTB because real life is so much more complicated than that. But I am going to say that you have a duty of care to yourself too op. We don’t need men for our happiness and self care. You are enough. I am truly sorry that he is not deserving of the love you have given him.

And he does sound like a bit of a self important twat. I’m quite intrigued trying to imagine how he would develop this tragic hero narrative if you decided not to play foil to his dutiful stoicism.

The only person who should be embarrassed is the immature ass you were unfortunate enough to marry.

Throckmorton · 04/08/2023 23:03

What an absolute bastard he is. You deserve so much better than this - you deserve to have someone for whom you are the love of their life. Anone with any integrity would not have married someone if they were still not over their ex. Please do consider confiding in your friends - you have nothing whatsoever to be embarassed about. Hugs

uncomfortablydumb53 · 04/08/2023 23:04

That's awful I could get past that
He does his duty but Is not in love with you, and if the world was ending he'd want to be with someone else
I understand you pushing, wanting to cause yourself hurt, I was the same with ex... He just shut down so I got no answers which hurt more
Use the time he's away to think if that's enough for you? It wouldn't be for me

Moneynewpence · 04/08/2023 23:07

GarlicGrace · 04/08/2023 22:27

The problem isn't that he says his love for @Jensajenning is a steadier, less romantic, more pragmatic variety than the heady, besotted emotions associated with being 'in love'.

Millions of couples are bound together by shared commitments and values, affection and respect, rather than passion and adoration. Millions of books, poems and songs have been written about it. Long-burning coals have a better reputation overall than blazing fireworks.

The problem is that he DIDN'T say he values this more. He said it's an unfortunate fact, a compromise because his firework show didn't work out. OP, his chosen life partner, deserves better than to be his sad compromise.

From the Greek philosophers' 8 kinds of love, there's no question that his love for OP is pragma and storge. Is that enough? Well, ideally you'd want some philia and eros too but plenty of couples get along well enough, especially as they move into old age. @Jensajenning isn't old-aged yet, and 40-50 more years of slowly dying embers make a daunting prospect.

Even so ... it might be more encouraging if he weren't still carrying his blazing torch for his childhood sweetheart 😢 His love for her is major philia and eros, apparently - Plato's recipe for ideal romance, shared by most of us. And he's kept this torch burning throughout his marriage.

It's a very hard thing to come back from, and he's an idiot not to have backtracked with utmost energy and fulsome apologies. He didn't because, he says, "it is what it is". How bleak.

It doesn't matter at all whether he could have had his hometown girl or might still in the future. OP isn't in a competition here: he's made it clear they are on different tracks entirely. Question is, are you content to stay in your lane now that you've had confirmation his heart isn't really yours? There's a lot at stake, isn't there.

It's actually pretty good that he's away for two months now. I feel you need to pull this apart with your closest family & friends, and a counsellor would be no bad idea either.

I'm so sorry you've received this blow.

Plato is responsible for a lot of deeply damaging perfectionist twaddle imo.

GarlicGrace · 04/08/2023 23:09

Moneynewpence · 04/08/2023 23:07

Plato is responsible for a lot of deeply damaging perfectionist twaddle imo.

Show quote history

Yeah, similar to OP's husband.

Original poster
Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 23:10

@ItsNotRocketSalad yes I have no doubt he meant it . I shouldn’t have pushed I own that but it was like drawing blood from a stone .

I wish I could believe he was thinking about going home - he goes home enough so that doesn’t ring true and when I’ve asked if he’d like to retire there like was mentioned by someone previously he’s always given a non committal answer .

Tbh I do wonder if to me she is really the problem , I can’t be angry at her I don’t know their relationship to be angry - the problem ultimately is our relationship…
He’s never been big on I love you’s , or affectionate gestures or romance but I thought that was who he was .
To know he sees someone as his true love , to know he actually does think in that way about someone just not me - that is what I’m struggling with . I wish I could ask more questions of his brothers wife here but I can’t , her loyalty isn’t ultimately with me .

OP posts:
Stravaig · 04/08/2023 23:12

Gosh. Hugs, OP. You've really brought your world down on yourself. And for what? An arguably silly romantic ideal of a 'one true love' who may not even exist. DH may be younger in years, but he sounds more mature, realistic and grounded than you.

You have had a relationship with DH based on genuine and steadfast love in action, love as a verb, love expressed through building and sharing a life together as partners and co-parents. That is real. So, why the self-sabotage? Your relentless goading, driving him to an outburst he may not even mean, and has never chosen to express, or act upon.

I think you need to reflect on whatever has been bubbling within you that motivated this. Take ownership of your own (long-standing?) dissatisfactions with the relationship, and with DH as a husband and father. You are not a victim in this; you have been a willing participant thus far, and you are very much the instigator of the present crisis. It is fine if your marriage is no longer right for you, or not enough for you. That is your choice to make.

If you can, I would enlist a therapist to help you figure things out - prioritise individual sessions for yourself.

I hope you all find your way through as gently as possible x

Oatycookies · 04/08/2023 23:18

Why on earth is OP to blame?@Stravaig What he said about spending his last week on earth with this old flame wasn’t forced out of him. He didn’t just make that up on the spot. He clearly felt it in his heart and made the choice to voice it. Most men as insensitive as they are would have kept that bit to their selves!

If he doesn’t mean it surely he can backtrack and tell her that? The fact he hasn’t speaks volumes.

GarlicGrace · 04/08/2023 23:18

When you've met Mrs "One True Love", have you noticed him gazing at her soppily, creating windows for time alone with her and/or developing mentionitis about her?

I suppose I'm wondering if he might not have exaggerated in order to hurt you. That in itself would be nasty, though perhaps less cataclysmic.

Clafoutie · 04/08/2023 23:19

Stravaig · 04/08/2023 23:12

Gosh. Hugs, OP. You've really brought your world down on yourself. And for what? An arguably silly romantic ideal of a 'one true love' who may not even exist. DH may be younger in years, but he sounds more mature, realistic and grounded than you.

You have had a relationship with DH based on genuine and steadfast love in action, love as a verb, love expressed through building and sharing a life together as partners and co-parents. That is real. So, why the self-sabotage? Your relentless goading, driving him to an outburst he may not even mean, and has never chosen to express, or act upon.

I think you need to reflect on whatever has been bubbling within you that motivated this. Take ownership of your own (long-standing?) dissatisfactions with the relationship, and with DH as a husband and father. You are not a victim in this; you have been a willing participant thus far, and you are very much the instigator of the present crisis. It is fine if your marriage is no longer right for you, or not enough for you. That is your choice to make.

If you can, I would enlist a therapist to help you figure things out - prioritise individual sessions for yourself.

I hope you all find your way through as gently as possible x

‘Relentless goading’ ‘silly ideals’ and ‘self-sabotage’, plus a judgement that he is more mature and grounded than she is? I feel this is really unfair.

Mirabai · 04/08/2023 23:21

Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 23:10

@ItsNotRocketSalad yes I have no doubt he meant it . I shouldn’t have pushed I own that but it was like drawing blood from a stone .

I wish I could believe he was thinking about going home - he goes home enough so that doesn’t ring true and when I’ve asked if he’d like to retire there like was mentioned by someone previously he’s always given a non committal answer .

Tbh I do wonder if to me she is really the problem , I can’t be angry at her I don’t know their relationship to be angry - the problem ultimately is our relationship…
He’s never been big on I love you’s , or affectionate gestures or romance but I thought that was who he was .
To know he sees someone as his true love , to know he actually does think in that way about someone just not me - that is what I’m struggling with . I wish I could ask more questions of his brothers wife here but I can’t , her loyalty isn’t ultimately with me .

OP what does “true love” even mean?

Like I said, she didn’t love him enough to leave he didn’t love her enough to stay.

Blueink · 04/08/2023 23:24

Sorry OP this is devastating to find out how he really feels. I wouldn't blame yourself for having had the conversation, better to know where you stand, you could've waited even more years to find this out.

He sounds arrogant, immature and undeserving of you.

Bootsandbooks · 04/08/2023 23:27

@Stravaig completely agree with you. Love is something that has to be chosen and worked upon day by day; “true love” is some silly Disney fairytale fantasy sold to young girls dreaming of being princesses and looking for their prince.

EmilyBrontesGhost · 04/08/2023 23:27

Mirabai · 04/08/2023 23:21

OP what does “true love” even mean?

Like I said, she didn’t love him enough to leave he didn’t love her enough to stay.

Show quote history

Exactly this ^

Honestly, the idea of "true love" mainly is in romantic novels.

Mostly what people want it someone they are compatible with, who have the same values, who get along, who want to marry and raise children and are decent people, who work and strive to do the best for their families.

What more can you want than that?

SadieOlsen · 04/08/2023 23:28

DH sounds cold and a bit ruthless. I bet he's driven and cut-throat in business, and therefore has made himself rich since he came here through businesses. I bet OP has taken care of everything to support him doing that - children, home, entertaining, admin - everything. The problem with men like that is when they turn their coldness and ruthlessness onto you. If they see something they think is a better deal for them, they will leave. The "duty" thing is so weird, like he feels OP owes him and he has made sacrifices for her and he resents it. Why does he, though?

OP, when men are "in love", they show it in a thousand small ways: a note by the kettle, a big squish and a kiss as they pass by in the kitchen, telling you you look lovely and meaning it, a big involuntary twinkling smile when they see your face at the end of the working day. A little treat they give you for no particular reason. The thoughtfulness, the kindness, the way he's always, always got your back, no matter what. Is this him, normally? You will know whether he is in love with you or not.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/08/2023 23:28

I found out something similar with my ex husband. I was left feeling that he had settled with a "Well I cant have her, so you will do" attitude.

He was an arse in many many other ways, but despite the cheating and the violence, that was the one that hurt me the most.

And he hasnt kept his vows. One of the marriage vows is to love you above all others, so no, he hasnt done his duty.

bustandboom · 04/08/2023 23:31

As the mother of his children he has disrespected you and hurt you.
That is unforgivable in my mind

TooOldForThisNonsense · 04/08/2023 23:33

I don’t think I could get past this either

Golightly133 · 04/08/2023 23:33

Way back when me and my dh met he told me I wasn’t what he wanted but what he needed. I was hurt at the time, but Carried on and now I wish I had left as yes we have got the house the kids the dog but really I know deep down we are not soul mates we don’t have the connection. If I was you I would definitely move on find someone who loves you and you aren’t left feeling second best.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/08/2023 23:33

Very good point that "she didnt love him enough to go with him, he didnt love her enough to stay".

So he left the supposed "love of his life" when, if she really was the LOHL he would have sacrificed anything to be with her. Especially when her staying was driven by her need to stay and be with her family.

He strikes me as someone who only values what he cant have, what he needs to strive for. So the next big business deal, the big move to another country, the woman who turned him down.....

You worked with him to create a wonderful life, so he doesnt value you. The second, the absolute SECOND you leave him, suddenly he will realise your worth.

He is fucked up.

Oatycookies · 04/08/2023 23:34

And he hasnt kept his vows. One of the marriage vows is to love you above all others, so no, he hasnt done his duty.

so true! I don’t know why people are asking like op is demanding fresh roses and Hand written love notes every morning. She has a legitimate right to be upset he said he would spend his last week on earth with a woman who chose not to be with him.

WomanHereHear · 04/08/2023 23:34

I haven’t read all the comments but to me the true love part is irrelevant. I had an arranged married and it might not be ‘true love’ to some people but it’s a hell of lot more healthy, respectful fun than the so called true loves I was with. The real problem is he has told you he’d rather be with someone else if he was given the choice.

What was he like when he married you? Did him coming to the U.K. depend on him being married to you? Does he contribute equally to the family, or is he taking advantage of you.

also depending on which country it is I would be weary about him taking your children abroad without you. Read up on the laws on his home country to check if there is anything to worry about if he decides not to let them return.

I would not want to be with someone who has matter of fact told me he’d rather be with someone else. Nah. Imagine you said the same to him. Do you think he would be okay with that?

Thebirdhouse · 04/08/2023 23:34

Bootsandbooks · 04/08/2023 23:27

@Stravaig completely agree with you. Love is something that has to be chosen and worked upon day by day; “true love” is some silly Disney fairytale fantasy sold to young girls dreaming of being princesses and looking for their prince.

I'm in your camp too.

The 'love' worth talking about is the one that exists in the practical day to day lives of people. Not some Hollywood version of it.

Beeinalily · 04/08/2023 23:35

OP it what he said was very hurtful, but if he loved her that much surely he would have stayed in the same country rather than come here?

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