Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That I’m not DH “true love”

666 replies

Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 20:00

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

OP posts:
PatientZorro · 04/08/2023 23:35

Sorry you’re going through this OP, what a stupid man…. he should have grown out of crushes and imaginary relationships by now. His “true love” my arse - he barely knows her now, lives in a different country and has built up some ridiculous fantasy about a woman who doesn’t want him which bears no resemblance to the reality of a long term relationship with her.

It’s all very teenage and pathetic and really he is the one who should be embarrassed. He prattles on about fulfilling his manly duty - well frankly he’s doing a very poor job… a man of his age entertaining dumb fantasies about “the one that got away” would not inspire respect in any culture. He is sad, immature and embarrassing.

I don’t think there’s much wrong with the type of love he describes for you - in common with millions of marriages and much more valuable than his imaginary true love. But I couldn’t get past the cruelty of his words that he’d go to her if his time was running out.

In your position I would see a solicitor while he’s gone, get your Mumsnet ducks in a row, wait for the kids to get back and then tell him to piss off because you deserve better. Ideally change the locks and let him find somewhere else to stay.

I’d also be telling his family bluntly why you were leaving - i.e your husband is fantasising about passion and true love with the married family friend he used to go out with back in the day. It’s pathetic - I’d be so embarrassed in his position.

It sounds like he built a great life with you, and he’s thrown that away over literally nothing. I couldn’t stay with him after his cruel words. He seems to think he’s ticked all of the big man boxes so is sitting pretty and is calling the shots. Show him how wrong he is - kick his arse into touch and tell him you and your family deserve a real man who appreciates you, not an immature wanker (in both senses of the word).

Mirabai · 04/08/2023 23:36

For the error bred in the bone
Of each woman and each man
Craves what it cannot have,
Not universal love
But to be loved alone.

WanderinStar · 04/08/2023 23:37

I married my true love and what your husband says is true. Love is a commitment. You hassled him into this. Don't push further. Take some time to reflect instead

Tawnyowlette · 04/08/2023 23:37

The bottom line is he’s had two significant relationships in which he’s promoted himself and disregarded the feelings of the women. I find him selfish and arrogant. Naively he regards himself as loyal, honourable, impeccable. He is deluded and flawed.
There is absolutely no reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed, OP. He is wanting, not you. His actions are self-indulgent (“life’s not fair”) as the other woman realised more than fifteen years ago.

EmmetEmma · 04/08/2023 23:41

@Stravaig - did you miss the bit where OP’s husband said he would leave OP if he only has a week left?

What’s with your comment laced with blame and spite?

You may be level-headed in your approach to love but you are unkind and inaccurate to blame OP in this - describing her actions as goading and immature.

It’s ok in a relationship to want a form of truth about how someone feels - I’m sure OP wishes her husband didn’t feel this way about her, and possibly even wishes that she didn’t know - but long term it is best to know so she can make her own choices about what she wants

OP I think he probably was trying to hurt you and be dramatic - even if you think he always means what he says. And he seems to want you to feel lucky to have him

But he is lucky to have you - I hope you decide what you want and how to proceed, and feel that you have an equal balance and power in whatever you choose.

GarlicGrace · 04/08/2023 23:43

OP what does “true love” even mean?

Your Majesty??

Original poster
Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 23:43

I will clear up something I didn’t plan to just because of how often it’s been mentioned or variations.
He came over illegally, in her defence which I don’t even know why I am but I’m not sure I would either and have complete understanding of anyone who choses not to take that risk .

I understand what is being said about “what is love” and it’s a “fairytale” but to be loved I don’t think is . To be valued for what you do rather than who you are when you genuinely love the person can you not imagine how painful that is even if you have brought it on yourself … I’ve always felt comfortable with him , that I could be myself - in 24hours I feel like I’ve lost that .

OP posts:
unihornandrainhoes · 04/08/2023 23:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SadieOlsen · 04/08/2023 23:44

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/08/2023 23:33

Very good point that "she didnt love him enough to go with him, he didnt love her enough to stay".

So he left the supposed "love of his life" when, if she really was the LOHL he would have sacrificed anything to be with her. Especially when her staying was driven by her need to stay and be with her family.

He strikes me as someone who only values what he cant have, what he needs to strive for. So the next big business deal, the big move to another country, the woman who turned him down.....

You worked with him to create a wonderful life, so he doesnt value you. The second, the absolute SECOND you leave him, suddenly he will realise your worth.

He is fucked up.

Bang on!

PatientZorro · 04/08/2023 23:44

WanderinStar · 04/08/2023 23:37

I married my true love and what your husband says is true. Love is a commitment. You hassled him into this. Don't push further. Take some time to reflect instead

Oh fuck off blaming the OP. She did not hassle him into being an immature dickhead, he managed that all by himself.

GoingGoingUp · 04/08/2023 23:45

EmmetEmma · 04/08/2023 23:41

@Stravaig - did you miss the bit where OP’s husband said he would leave OP if he only has a week left?

What’s with your comment laced with blame and spite?

You may be level-headed in your approach to love but you are unkind and inaccurate to blame OP in this - describing her actions as goading and immature.

It’s ok in a relationship to want a form of truth about how someone feels - I’m sure OP wishes her husband didn’t feel this way about her, and possibly even wishes that she didn’t know - but long term it is best to know so she can make her own choices about what she wants

OP I think he probably was trying to hurt you and be dramatic - even if you think he always means what he says. And he seems to want you to feel lucky to have him

But he is lucky to have you - I hope you decide what you want and how to proceed, and feel that you have an equal balance and power in whatever you choose.

I don’t think he was trying to hurt OP. I think OP pushed and pushed for a response and he gave in, and ended up being too honest and unkind. He didn’t start the conversation.

GoingGoingUp · 04/08/2023 23:47

I asked before but OP may have missed - did you get pregnant before or after you got married?

Original poster
Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 23:48

I am partly to blame I’ve accepted this … but once it was out there I couldn’t let it go without knowing . I needed to know - otherwise I’d have torn myself apart even more with my own thoughts . I said in my own first post I knew she was significant, she has stayed a presence in my own mind - I just didn’t realise how much in my husbands

OP posts:
WanderinStar · 04/08/2023 23:49

Oh fuck off @PatientZorro telling an upset person you don't know to leave their 15 year marriage

Original poster
Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 23:49

@GoingGoingUp sorry i did miss that - shortly after .

OP posts:
SadieOlsen · 04/08/2023 23:51

Ahh, so he came here illegally and the girlfriend decided not to. That changes everything.
He thinks laws and rules don't apply to him like they apply to other people. He'll sneak into the country, duck and weave. So much for "duty". God knows what he gets up to that OP knows nothing about. He compartmentalises and fuck the rules - he will get what he wants. I would be off.

GarlicGrace · 04/08/2023 23:51

GoingGoingUp · 04/08/2023 23:45

I don’t think he was trying to hurt OP. I think OP pushed and pushed for a response and he gave in, and ended up being too honest and unkind. He didn’t start the conversation.

Show quote history

She pushed because she's always felt he never really left his "true love" behind.

If you're in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate - however much they value your contributions - you do feel it. However much you tell yourself it's okay and maybe you're being "too emotional", it eats away at you until you have to try and face it.

PatientZorro · 04/08/2023 23:52

That’s worse than telling her it’s her own fault for hassling him is it? And that she should go away and “reflect” on how she pushed him into it. Victim blaming bullshit @WanderinStar

blueshoes · 04/08/2023 23:53

WanderinStar · 04/08/2023 23:37

I married my true love and what your husband says is true. Love is a commitment. You hassled him into this. Don't push further. Take some time to reflect instead

Well good for you. Nobody forced him to marry OP. Nice victim blaming there.

Surprise you cannot see how pointless and unhelpful your post is.

GoingGoingUp · 04/08/2023 23:54

Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 23:49

@GoingGoingUp sorry i did miss that - shortly after .

Thanks OP. Was wondering if he got married to you out of duty because you were pregnant.

But if he was late 20s, sounds like he chose to get married to you rather than pressured into it. Whilst he still thinks about his ex, it doesn’t necessarily mean he settled with you as late 20s is still on the younger side to get married.

EmmetEmma · 04/08/2023 23:54

@GoingGoingUp I read it that OP made a jokey comment and his response shocked her and so she asked more questions - perhaps hoping for reassurance as he is emotionally distant.

Maybe he wasn’t trying to hurt her and just told her the plain truth - but in that case what he said is still awful but something she probably does have a right to know.

OP is not in the wrong for asking questions when her husband denies feeling any initial flutters of love when they started their relationship - he started the conversation by saying that

Clafoutie · 04/08/2023 23:54

EmmetEmma · 04/08/2023 23:41

@Stravaig - did you miss the bit where OP’s husband said he would leave OP if he only has a week left?

What’s with your comment laced with blame and spite?

You may be level-headed in your approach to love but you are unkind and inaccurate to blame OP in this - describing her actions as goading and immature.

It’s ok in a relationship to want a form of truth about how someone feels - I’m sure OP wishes her husband didn’t feel this way about her, and possibly even wishes that she didn’t know - but long term it is best to know so she can make her own choices about what she wants

OP I think he probably was trying to hurt you and be dramatic - even if you think he always means what he says. And he seems to want you to feel lucky to have him

But he is lucky to have you - I hope you decide what you want and how to proceed, and feel that you have an equal balance and power in whatever you choose.

I agree, and feel that so many posters are missing the part where he said that. People constantly saying that there is no such thing as ‘one true love’, etc seem to have only read the title of the OP’s post, not the content. It is also depressing to see how many people are now rushing out to say OP has brought this upon herself, once somebody else has started down that line. The OP has shown plenty of self awareness and fairness towards her DH.

Oatycookies · 04/08/2023 23:55

“ He came over illegally” they’re not throwing British passports at illegal immigrants so I assume it’s at least partly down to you he now has residency?

I find sometimes when a man has been helped out massively by a woman they can either be super grateful or super resentful. And in this case it sounds like the latter. A lot of women turn down men who don’t have a passport /legal right of stay in the country they’re living in so they can be be quite annoyed feeling they only have a small pool to choose from. And weirdly enough they take it out on the women who were open to them.

Tawnyowlette · 04/08/2023 23:58

He didn’t have to come to this country, though, did he? He chose to leave the other woman - left her and let her down.

porridgeisbae · 04/08/2023 23:59

Sending you my love and prayers @Jensajenning as this must be really upsetting. Sad Flowers

I don't think you pushed him into it- he came out with the first bit himself and that was one of the worst bits. All you did at the start of the convo is understandably assume your spouse felt the same way as you in the early stages of your relationship.

As he came over illegally, it does sound like he's used you as a 'green card.' Some people are really motivated by material success/attempts at it.

But his words would be a step beyond to me- he'd have to do a lot to win back my trust.

Sometimes a separation can stop a bloke taking you for granted in my experience, and they might then change their ways.