That I’m not DH “true love”

[Jensajenning]

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

I actually cried reading your OP. It's the if he new he had limited time left rather than spend time with his wife he would be with her. I can't get over that. What if you ended up ill ? Would he be there for you when you really needed him ? I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you are OK. I don't know what I would do I know my heart would say stay but I know it is probably the wrong thing to do.

I'm guessing he may be Turkish (maybe I'm wrong) but I have a friend who gave up her life for her partner and moved to Turkey and she comes home sometimes but he can't come over here to visit.

@AndJust i made this account to post this yes - I didn’t want it linked back to my other account - I didn’t know that was a crime … i didn't want to change names as ive seem too many name change fails

No he is leaving for the airport with 2 DC at 2 am I will not be going anywhere . i will be here with my son.

can you not see why i would rather post this anonymously than actually tell my real life friends and family ? can you not imagine how ashamed i feel ??

Oh my goodness OP. I bet you wish you hadn't pushed him. I would probably have done it too. I think you love him a lot more than he loves you. I think he still loves his ex. I think she loved him less than he loved her so wouldn't move with him. I think after he said if he only had a day, a week or a month left he would go to her I just couldn't get past that. It's worse because now it is fresh in his mind, and he will see her when he flies home to his family. Whilst he is gone you will need to decide if you can live with him knowing what he has now told you. I know I couldn't live with him again, and certainly not have sex with him knowing he is still so much in love with his ex.

I wouldn't get past this. In fact I'd fully expect him to leave me once the kids have flown the nest.

To think if armageddon loomed, that my husband would pack himself off to confess his undying love to some other woman? Wtf was he thinking articulating that?

I'd have to divorce because I'd just feel too shitty about myself and sad. There's nothing worse than feeling inferior and now he's essentially confirmed to you that to him, that's exactly what you are.

Sorry that sounds really harsh, but that's how I'd take it and I'd feel like shit.

Sorry you're in this position.

The problem isn't that he says his love for @Jensajenning is a steadier, less romantic, more pragmatic variety than the heady, besotted emotions associated with being 'in love'.

Millions of couples are bound together by shared commitments and values, affection and respect, rather than passion and adoration. Millions of books, poems and songs have been written about it. Long-burning coals have a better reputation overall than blazing fireworks.

The problem is that he DIDN'T say he values this more. He said it's an unfortunate fact, a compromise because his firework show didn't work out. OP, his chosen life partner, deserves better than to be his sad compromise.

From the Greek philosophers' 8 kinds of love, there's no question that his love for OP is pragma and storge. Is that enough? Well, ideally you'd want some philia and eros too but plenty of couples get along well enough, especially as they move into old age. @Jensajenning isn't old-aged yet, and 40-50 more years of slowly dying embers make a daunting prospect.

Even so ... it might be more encouraging if he weren't still carrying his blazing torch for his childhood sweetheart 😢 His love for her is major philia and eros, apparently - Plato's recipe for ideal romance, shared by most of us. And he's kept this torch burning throughout his marriage.

It's a very hard thing to come back from, and he's an idiot not to have backtracked with utmost energy and fulsome apologies. He didn't because, he says, "it is what it is". How bleak.

It doesn't matter at all whether he could have had his hometown girl or might still in the future. OP isn't in a competition here: he's made it clear they are on different tracks entirely. Question is, are you content to stay in your lane now that you've had confirmation his heart isn't really yours? There's a lot at stake, isn't there.

It's actually pretty good that he's away for two months now. I feel you need to pull this apart with your closest family & friends, and a counsellor would be no bad idea either.

I'm so sorry you've received this blow.

LuluBlakey1 · Today 22:01
What is your marriage like? Do you get on? Laugh together? Does he support you emotionally? Does he show interest in you, how you are feeling, what you are doing? Do you share things- interests, things you both like doing together? Is he kind/caring/does he 'cherish' you (one of his vows but hard to do with someone you don't live? Do you actually have a sexual relationship very often or are you a live-in housekeeper/nanny?

Excellent questions to ponder @Jensajenning

Turkey, Ukraine, Moldova, Belarus, ... Russia?

There is no way I could stay with him after what he said.
I would be working on leaving while he is away and then set it in motion when he’s back.
You ticked boxes for him, that’s it. He doesn’t love you. He’s done his ‘duty’. Everything he’s said is horrible.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of people settle for what they think is the right thing/person for their circumstances.
What he said was cruel and vicious... and absolute bollocks. Its like saying if I had one day to live I'd find George Clooney and shag him, she's not interested, might have loved him once but has moved on with her life.

My mum left a 20 year marriage to have an affair with her first boyfriend, he strung her along for a bit before telling her he had no intention of leaving his wife and kids for her... let her implode our family first mind you. No way she's going to ruin her marriage for your husband.

You don't need to settle, you can leave him and find someone who thinks the sun shines out of your behind, you deserve it. But you might just find yourself thinking the grass may not be greener and then you'll be settling too... do you see what I mean? Settling isn't always the bad choice, sometimes it's the one that's meant to keep your life on track.

I can’t believe he hasn’t tried to speak to you about this. He must know he’s really upset you!

OFGS, what do you have to be ashamed about? You're a loving wife, mother and partner. Stop that nonsense immediately! He's the one who should be crushingly embarrassed. Your problem is that he's not.

Well said OP, though I’m sorry you’re having to deal with a post like this. It is sad the extent to which some people’s cynicism seems to mute their capacity to show empathy. Anyway, I feel most people on here are feeling for you, so hope you can take strength from that.

People are different and want different things. What you thought you had turns out to be not what you have, which others would kill for. Having said that, what he has said is something I personally find too far gone - you want to be soulmates, he's perfectly happy with a 'working' marriage of contractual sorts in which he has fulfilled his obligations. When the dust settles somewhat see how you feel and what you think. You need not question everything you've created together, especially your children. If after all that the only option you feel you have out of obligation to yourself is to leave then so be it.

@Motomum23 i do feel ashamed … I wanted to post earlier but I felt so embarrassed it might be outing or someone I know would read it - I know it’s highly unlikely, but I don’t want to be talked about at the school gates or in a group chat or what not . Or , worse for my DC esp Dd to catch wind of this .
I do see what you mean , it’s the idea of leaving what you know its terrifying . I have a nice life , the DCs have everything they could want - the one thing I don’t have apparently is my husbands love - or not how I wanted to be loved by my husband. It’s that companionship I don’t want that love , I want to be loved for me not for how easy I make his life . I don’t want to be valued for how I make his home or how I take care of his house or children I want to be valued for me

While the phrasing is clumsy and very hurtful at the time, I would urge you to take a step back. First what is true love to you? I would not say my husband is my true love but I couldn't see myself with anybody else and he is everything to me, but true love? No. We never had the passion of deep love, I also think I am not his.
I suspect your husband is from the same country mine is (very hot, 3 hours away) those men (not all of course) are raised different and struggle to open up ,I suspect being raised in a country in turmoil at the time wouldn't help, also they are put in boxes "how a man should behaves" (I don't want to say macho because I find them respectful of women). Think of what YOU want not what the magazine/movies/people tell you what you should want. Nothing wrong with a partner who loves, cares and respect you.

@LizzieSiddal no he hasn’t and I can’t imagine unless I say something he will . And he will do so reluctantly because in his eyes he said what he said , it’s accept it or don’t . When he said about life isn’t fair if you could have seen his face you would understand

I think it's partly on you - you wouldn't stop pushing him, what did you want him to say? It sounds like you pushed him in to saying a lot of it.

I also think there are a LOT of people out there who secretly never feel again the way they felt about their first love, but go on to be happy with other people and find a different kind of love. I guess I'm pragmatic. He chooses you every day. Presumably if he'd loved her that much he wouldn't have come to the UK and stayed with her.

He sounds like a very arrogant man OP, his assuming this other woman would even entertain being with him if he had a short time left to live. What about her husband and child?

In a way it's good that he will be away for the next several weeks as it will give you peace to think and reflect about your marriage, and whether you want it to continue. Just remember, you still have years ahead of you yet (hopefully), so think carefully about whether this will be enough for you. You still have time to find someone who will cherish the bones of you, and who will treat you as their absolute number one.

You have a difficult decision to make and I wish you the very best for whatever choice you make.

@Fluffypiki I think yes we may share a country in common - if we do you can see why I have no concern about my children’s safety with him . And yes those boxes are very familiar

Are you sure he meant the thing about his final days? It sounds to me like he was saying "is this what you want to hear? fine, then have it so we can stop this" rather than truly meaning it. You said you wanted to be hurt and kept pushing until he said the ultimate thing.

It is really unfair to suggest this is partly the OP’s fault. The reason why people end up ‘pushing’ is because something is not being said, and knowing that, but not knowing what it is can be profoundly damaging to both partners.

I agree about first loves, and being pragmatic etc, in some circumstances, but people seem to keep missing the point that he said he would want to spend his dying days with this other woman. It is hard to minimise that.

I am not of the ‘leave him’ camp, because I think people’s relationships are much too complex and unknown for strangers to say that, but I do think this is not as simple a situation as some posters seem to think it is.

I send you support OP, and hope you can find your way through, whatever that is. Take your time and take care of yourself.

Some people have skewed meanings of true love because of trauma or attachment injuries. For example, someone might think their true love was a relationship that was actually really toxic but the toxicity brought a familiarity which made it feel very intense. And when they find that easy, quiet love, they think it's boring and that they're not truly in love.

Another issue can be lack of closure. Their relationship may have still been in the honeymoon stage when it ended so it's still got that magic about it. But had they stayed together, they probably would have ended up realising they don't have that much in common or that they annoy each other to no end.

It seems he considers her "the one that got away" but it's clear at least their life goals didn't align. He needs to process this, I wonder if he refused to because he wanted to hold on to that magic. And if he held on to it, of course there was no room for other magic.

I don't think there is much you could do other than maybe enquire and see which of these scenarios apply to him, only if you think this would help though. Enquiring may help him process the end of the relationship finally though.

And perhaps let him know how hurt you are to be seen just as his duty, rather than choosing you because of who you are.

Well quite. She didn’t love him enough to leave, he didn’t love her enough to stay.

The fact that she’s a real person doesn’t mean that the idea of his life with her is not a dream. She was just first love and tied into his memories of home. But life with her would have been founded in resentment and frustration at having given up his dream of life in the U.K. He’d be looking out of the window dreaming of the wife he could have had in the U.K…

he would want to spend his dying days with this other woman. It is hard to minimise that.

Sure but what he’s really saying is that if he were dying he would go home.

If he were dying she would be with her DH, that’s the reality.

I, too, am so sorry this has happened OP. You must be in shock. I completely understand why you ‘pushed’ him. Something important wasn’t being said, yet it was. I think it is good that you have some time to think about what has happened and as someone else suggested perhaps talk with a counsellor? Someone who is not connected to you in the way family are and who will be able to truly empathise but also help you to talk about all that this means to you and maybe come to know what you want to do. I would find this so very painful and difficult to be able to continue with the relationship. But people are different and you need time to find your way.