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AIBU?

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Original poster

That I’m not DH “true love”

666 replies

Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 20:00

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

OP posts:
Thebirdhouse · 04/08/2023 22:02

My main problem with this would be that he is deeply emotionally immature. Anyone who believes that immature and unfulfilled first love is greater than love that endures, that enables family and children to thrive, is a bit of a childish tosser. He can't see the difference between unfulfilled lust and deep love.

This.

OP I didn't mean to imply it was your 'fault' in any way in my last post. It isn't at all. But there are all sorts of love. This 'passionate/true love' malarky that people read about and watch on tv is the same 'love' that leads to extramarital affairs - driven by supposed passion. With the exemption of a small few people, there are many people out there for all of us and we will settle with one of them. For everyone saying that he married you because the other woman didn't want to marry him, - thats the case for so many of us. We are with someone who loved someone before us - and either they or that someone - didn't want a future with that person so they moved on to the next person.

Its nostalgia/immaturity/fantasy that makes us think of that person as 'the one who got away'. It didn't work for a reason and that reason was enough to end it.

I had a boyfriend before from another country and when I asked a question (when I was seeking reassurance), he was very forthright in telling me what he thought and not what he thought I wanted to hear. It drove me crazy at the time. It was his personality, he valued truth above not wanting to hurt me. When I wasn't being hurt by his words, I was attracted to this honestly.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 04/08/2023 22:03

I think a lot of us carry an unrealistic memory of our 'first love'. Your husband believes his true love is the woman from his past but there is every chance that 15 years of marriage and 3 children would have turned into humdrum companionship whoever he was married to. The problem is that he was cruel enough to say it to you. You could carry on with your marriage, deciding that the test of real love is commitment and longevity. Or you could decide that you don't want to be with someone who thinks their true love is someone else. There is no guarantee you will find someone else you love more, but it might make you happier to know that you are with someone who believes, at that moment, that you are the person they love most in the whole world.

blackbeardsballsack · 04/08/2023 22:03

The absolute disrespect of him saying all this to you so bluntly. It would have been so easy for him to nod along with you and say yes, or just not say what he did. But he did, coldly too.

Sycasmores · 04/08/2023 22:04

If he's from a European country then he didn't come for a passport over 10 years ago. He wouldn't have needed it. My DH can bait me when he's feeling insecure. It's a deeply unpleasant trait. I wonder if in part that's what happened here. You badgered him. He resented it so he said some nasty things in retaliation. It's not great. But it might be more of an issue in your communication etc. Disrupting your marriage and your kids lives needs serious thought. It might be worth finding a therapist and working through your feelings.

Original poster
Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 22:05

@Marwoodsbigbreak that’s exactly it . She isn’t a dream - she is very real

OP posts:
CarlossitaMamacita · 04/08/2023 22:05

I don't know why you're being so quick to dismiss and even get insulted at the well intended advice regarding children taken abroad. I'm not sure if all Europe has agreement to return children to England. It's not like this doesn't happen AND your husband has dropped a bomb on you recently so what else could he be hiding or revealing? You obviously didn't know him as well as you thought in one aspect. Instead of replaying what he said I would be practical about the children safety and finances. The cat is out of the bag now, who knows how he might act.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 04/08/2023 22:06

I think he may well have loved you OP, and probably loves you now. But as another insightful poster has written, he has a bit of a Madonna/Whore complex going on, plus a large dollop of fantasy which he's indulged in a little too much.

I would wait for the dust to settle, get the family holiday out of the way and consider your options. Then when he comes back, properly talk. you will soon get a sense of whether this was a cold/nasty thing to say in response to pushing and pushing (and I wonder if the thing he said about the deathbed is what he wants to happen, or what he thinks you want him to say, this bit is quite muddled). Talk to him about the life you have created, and his 'duty'. I suspect it's not as clear-cut as this angry conversation made it seem. Then make your own judgement.

It may be with at least two children (not sure how many you have) and a good lifestyle and their other culture, you decide that this marriage suits you too. you may not.

In some ways, he has been very (hurtfully) honest, which is at least a bit truthful. I would also bet money he is from a Mediterranean/Eastern European country in which passion/love is revered and where he gets some of his overly romantic ideas from.

BadNomad · 04/08/2023 22:07

But she isn't real. The idea he has of her isn't real. It's based on a memory of a young woman he knew when he was a young man. He remembers her that way. But that's not who she is anymore. He isn't the same man either. It's just a fantasy.

Jagoda · 04/08/2023 22:09

She isn’t a woman from his past though. She’s a woman very much in his present. He will be seeing her and spending time with her again soon when he goes home.

I am not sure I could recover from the hurt.

Original poster
Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 22:09

@LuluBlakey1 I would say sometimes it has been like roommates but i thought as the children got older we would naturally go back to being a couple as they needed us less ..

Sorry your post has really made me think and I can’t answer it right now , I genuinely don’t know if I have ever felt any of those of things

OP posts:
donkra · 04/08/2023 22:10

Doggymummar · 04/08/2023 21:58

I m not sure how people are so worked up about this. Most of us have the one that got away don't we? I know I do. I was married for 20 years and would have left at the drop of a hat if he had become available.

I'm with someone else now and I don't think of the one that got away anymore. I thought we settled at a certain age for the stability and companionship of someone else.

No. I had one passionate but disastrous relationship, but I fell out of love with him not long after we stopped having sex, and wouldn't spit on him these days.

I married DH because I was completely in love with him, and he with me, and we worked together, had compatible life goals, were good to each other, had great sex, etc. To feel about him the way that I do and to know that I was just his "you'll do" would be devastating.

Yes, love comes in many valid forms. Yes, hot sex and passion sometimes comes with misery and practical incompatibility. Yes, kindness and stability and compatible goals matter a lot when you go all in on marriage and kids. But is there such a thing as settling too much, particularly when the other person is genuinely in love with you? Fuck yeah. "I do love him/her... in a way" isn't good enough, IMO.

BadNomad · 04/08/2023 22:10

This is a woman who didn't love him enough to move to the UK with him. She built a life and family with another man. Does he really think if he turned up at her door tomorrow to spend his last days with her she's going to drop her lot to run off with him?

Beurla · 04/08/2023 22:11

Oh no. This is horrible. No way could or should you get past that. I'm sorry, you sound so in pain.

Original poster
Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 22:11

@Sycasmores a country in Europe not in the EU … his family can’t even visit this country without applying for visas etc

OP posts:
Thebirdhouse · 04/08/2023 22:11

I don’t know if she didn’t want him enough or not . From what his brothers wife told me who is here she’s an only child and she couldn’t leave her parents to come to the uncertainty of the UK .

Ok but you do know that he didn't want her enough to stay with her - his supposed one true love? Just keep remembering that - he did not choose to stay with her. He can escape from the reality of his day to day life by imagining what life would have been like with her - but its fantasy, and nothing else. He did not love her enough to stay. He didn't love her enough to return to her. Keep telling yourself that. Actions speak louder than words!

Serendipitoushedgehog · 04/08/2023 22:12

I’m not sure I would let him take the kids abroad having just said something like that.

Original poster
Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 22:13

@donkra when you said this :
“But is there such a thing as settling too much, particularly when the other person is genuinely in love with you? “
it’s everything in words what I’m trying to figure out

OP posts:
anon1888 · 04/08/2023 22:13

You deserve not to be second best.

Him providing for his family and not being abusive is the bare minimum.

Do both of you a favour and leave. He can spend his days thinking about someone who didn't want him enough to move and you can find someone you deserve once you are ready x

Original poster
Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 22:15

@Serendipitoushedgehog again insulting to the both of us and with how many times I’ve answered it already I’m starting to wonder if people would say the same if he was a British born father taking his children on holiday … I maybe struggling to with the future of my marriage right now but these insinuations are coming across almost as if there is a racial motivation behind them and I’m not here for that and won’t stand for it

OP posts:
readbooksdrinktea · 04/08/2023 22:15

GoingGoingUp · 04/08/2023 21:00

That’s exactly it - lots of people settle, whether it be going for the safe choice, biological clock, comfort of having someone trustworthy, etc.

But it’s being told that someone settled for you and they yearn to be with someone else. That’s where OP’s husband has cocked up.

Show quote history

Of course it's awful. Sometimes we have to stop digging, or we'll hear things we don't like, and it will stay with us forever.

Now OP knows, and she'll have to make her choices.

lap90 · 04/08/2023 22:17

I think it's actually pretty common.
What's not so common is actually admitting it to your partner.

ScribblingPixie · 04/08/2023 22:18

OP, you say his relationship with this woman ended because she wouldn't come to the UK with him. But then presumably he didn't love her enough to stay in their country. It seems to me that if he had, she'd probably be the one getting an ear bashing now about him having to stay because he'd committed to her and had never had the chance to follow his 'real dream'. I'd do some hard thinking when he's away but I would take this 'true love' idea with a huge pinch of salt.

AndJust · 04/08/2023 22:18

This reply has been deleted

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DaisyThistle · 04/08/2023 22:18

Some men love to keep a woman in her place by letting her know she is second best. DSis had an ex like that. Went on and on and on about how wonderful his ex was. Then when DSis finally had the good sense to chuck the tosser, he went out with someone else (also lovely and beautiful) who got told day in day out how my DSis was the love of his life and no one could compare to her. Men like this are a massive yawn.

Original poster
Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 22:20

@Thebirdhouse i feel more and more like his feelings for her are not in doubt . I think perhaps he is selfish and driven enough to put what he wanted before any feelings - I don’t know maybe that is bitterness talking .
I almost find myself wishing I knew more , I’ve been on instagram looking at her and I don’t know

I just feel like I’m something be made do with - he can’t have everything, life isn’t fair like that - I don’t think I will ever forget that

OP posts:
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