That I’m not DH “true love”

[Jensajenning]

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

I didn’t feel any love when he said what he did about being his companion, his wife , his etc I felt like you would about your grandmother or your auntie

But that is a kind of love, for a favourite relative. Different from the love you would have for a partner, which is different to your love for your children. I think you feel it would be difficult to get your husband to discuss this more, and possibly painful, but there are many qualities which lead us to love someone and you display many of them - kindness, respect, fidelity, honesty, responsibility, courage.

I don't know what you should do going forward but wish you happiness and peace

You need to find professional help to help you work through your feelings, and what outcome you want/can live with. If you split would he move abroad, what would that mean for the children, etc. It’s a good job he is going away so you have some space to think.

My heart breaks for you, that is brutal. That said, I do believe that "true love" means different things to different people. There's the "in love" crazy ones, where they practically walk on water and you don't see their faults. Many move on to "loving" that person but being more realistic as they mature, either with the same person they were "crazy" over, or someone else. Some "love" relationships are ones where you know each other inside out, accept each other warts and all, trust that person like no-one else, and will always be there for each other, no matter what, whether you're together as a couple or not.

I've had all of these, and love a man that lives nearby who's in another relationship. To her and his family it (apparently) has and always will be G&Bpi, even though he has spent many more years with her than with me. We are good for each other, we have the most balanced relationship either of us has ever had, but there was still something missing for each of us. We love each other in different ways, and the last time around I walked away and he went back to the woman he loves, but is not "in love" with, who now has the benefit (?) of knowing that I left him. Whilst I'm not waiting for him, I can see that it is a possibility that in years to come we might bump into each other and pick up our relationship again.

I don't know how you get past something like this, but like you I would have pushed for answers. Maybe now that you have them you need to understand more about their history and what it means to him. It's very easy to idealise a relationship if you've not had it in the (his, in the UK) real world.

If I was in your position I don’t think I’d want to throw everything that you do have because of something that you don’t. He obviously has feelings for you … physical and emotional and as you’ve been together a long time I’m sure he loves you. Things didn’t work with the ‘love of his life’ for reasons unknown. But things are working with you …

Hard to get past

Some men cannot (even if logically they know it will come back to bite them) lie to people, especially ones they care for.
Usually it's the other way round, in which case he'd have lied and you'd be happy.

General life rule

To truthful blokes - not all the time

To enquiring partners - don't push questions if your not prepared for the answer.

Given more time he may have answered differently, or maybe he's not grown out of it as he gets to relive the fantasy every summer.

Wish you luck

I could not sanction staying with a man who tantamount admitted that he did not love me and in fact loved another, and would want to spend his last days with her. No siree; NOT good enough. I agree with those who say he lied to her at the start and made what amounts to a business arrangement with someone who genuinely loved him.

I would leave and start again. Huge hugs to you OP. The only good that will come of this is that you are secure in knowledge now and not unknowingly living in a house build on quicksand.

I really feel for you. He did want to hurt you, you can’t say something like that and not hurt someone. Plain disrespectful to you really. If it was me I would need to split from him, and I would be angry he hadn’t had that conversation with me years ago before the marriage and kids. As for saying if he had one day left he would be with her well that’s awful.
good luck

It sounds like you don't even know whether he loves you or not. It's easy to tell if a man is in love with you. or loves you, (or both, hopefully) as opposed to a business deal where you have the kids and keep house while he is out all hours making big money.
There is a big age gap which will start to show. Menopause is not far away and if he is not "in love" with you, he will be more likely to have affairs as well as moon over his lost love back home.

Nothing in life stays the same - either you are moving forwards or falling backwards. This talk of "duty" to you suggests that the marriage was a business arrangement so he could get to stay here legally.

No-one knows how much you knew of this, or what vulnerable state you were in at 34 to risk marrying an illegal immigrant from a different culture who you had an inkling might have had an ulterior motive.

My sister married an illegal immigrant in similar circumstances, except he did tell her he was in love with her (he clearly wasn't as he later admitted). He left her when her boys were in their late teens - just went back to his country (his was Turkey) and took his money with him. None of them have heard from him in 12 years.

If I were you, I would take control of your life a bit now - eg money - would you be secure if your marriage ended and he went elsewhere - do you have your own money?

I think you're right

His idea of love, is what he felt for the woman who wouldn't come to the UK

He doesn't feel that for you

You are all the other things (mother, housekeeper, companion) which she isn't

You asked

He told you

I think his dispassionate cruelty is shocking and reinforces his lack of love for you

This isn't about 'the one who got away'

This is about the one he intends to return to, when he decides the time is right......when you have served your purpose

His egotistical misogyny astounds me

I feel so sad for you, OP

But you now know. Make decisions for YOU knowing how he feels

Do you think he married you for Immigration purposes?

But he said if he or his ex lover were eg terminally sick then he’d leave OP to run back to be with her. That’s quite a strong statement.

Yes, in his culture maybe staying married out of duty is the done thing but he also now probably realises what he stands to lose if he does go home to his first/ex lover, eg he’d have to see his DC at holidays, though he may get half the house he’d have to start over with a new house/flat and restart his businesses over there.

I personally now don’t think he would do as he says, eg run back to his ex lover if either was terminally sick. I think he was probably pushed to saying this, and maybe he said something he didn’t entirely mean but felt angry and said it more to hurt his DW and in anger.

But really the touch paper has been lit (by OP) and fireworks have ensued. He’s now gone to his country of origin and he may well be thinking about things too, re his marriage.

Never mind whether you’re his one true love - he doesn’t even care about you enough to refrain from inflicting awful hurt on you. He hasn’t done his duty at all. He hasn’t even shown basic kindness. I find it hard to believe this has come totally out of the blue and he hasn’t done or said things before.
The question is: who do YOU want to be with if you only have a year, a month, a day? This arsehole? You should leave him - you’d probably find someone who does love you and isn’t a twat - but honestly, even if you never do, you’d be better off living a life of honesty and integrity alone.

What a nasty thing to say. I remember my first husband saying something about his first girlfriend once, along the lines of “you never forget your first love”, it was horrible. He also cheated on me several times. Do you know when he wanted me the most? When I told him I was leaving. I would seriously think about leaving him.

And just to add, I’m with my 2nd husband now who dotes on me! There’s better out there for you Op. He sounds cruel.

Men need to learn to express their emotions and be true to their feelings.

People say that but men are all to keen to inflict their feelings on others, in my experience.

*all-too-keen

She didn’t love him enough to move to the IK with him.
He didn’t love her enough to stay in his country for her.
They can’t love each other that much tbh

I know you say he’s not looking at her through rose-tinted glasses but to me, he is.

You were going on and on about a subject he’s still very sensitive about and getting him to examine questions he’s probably never examined himself.
You need to talk when he comes back

I'm sorry you've had to go through this and are now left to go over and over what was said. Lots of people have contributed their thoughts so I don't know how useful mine will be. I do wonder about the concept of 'true love' though. The blissful, novel love we have in our youth is not, to me, 'true' love. Seeing each other through difficult and challenging times, and there must have been many if he was originally here illegally, raising children and coping with the demands that can bring, while staying together and building a life/happy home, seems a much more meaningful version of love than the romantic, exciting expriences of our youth. I would also suggest that our early forties are when it's common to start looking back on those experiences and imagining them to have been more significant than they really were.

I am not making excuses for your DH. He said very hurtful things. Granted you pressed him and his responses will be hard to put aside but might timing have had something do do with it? He was preparing to part from you for two months. Has he done this every year? Have you never gone with him? You say you can't cope with the heat but your children can. Might he resent the fact that you don't accompany him?

Your DS has an appointment, but afterwards I would book flights and heat or no heat, confirm my role as wife and mother to the extended family rather than a distant figure. That way, you would find if the relationship he had in his youth is anything other than a rose tinted memory and whether your marriage is still viable. If the outcome is other than you wish at least you will have clarified your position.

Racial undertones always crop up on scenarios like this. Ignore those posts.

“If I was told I had a day, a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

do you think you can move past him saying this to you? Do you WANT to move past this?

Also, i agree with pp’s on visiting his hometown. How rural do they live? Do they not have air conditioning? Swimming pools? If i were your DH, i’d feel some hurt about you not visiting my home country if you’re not working. Could he put these infrastructure in place if he hasn’t already to make it easy for you to visit? Even if you went for a couple of weeks out of the month, that’d be something

So your husband doesn't love you in a romantic way and is stupid enough to tell you this, wouldn't do counselling, expects you to just put up with the situation and what he said, and puts his ex on a pedestal.

This thread is really exhausting. Just leave him.

you don’t have to stay with him , what he has said to you is incredibly hurtful
and it would be a red flag to me, that he is staying with you because he feels he is fulfilling a duty, as respectable as he thinks that is,
what happens when he feels that his duty has been fulfilled?
if he going to leave you and find someone else ?

Part of me does wonder, if he has purposely tried to be nasty to you so that he can go to his country and fawn over his ex without guilt
a lot of men do start arguments with their wives, so they can assuage the guilt of being around another woman

He is idealising his ex, he hasn’t lived real life with her, he hasn’t seen her give birth and raise children, or do all of the things that adults have to do,
it doesn’t make sense for him to compare you and her , he has lived a whole life with you, which included ups and downs

how long would they actually last if they tried to be together , probably not long considering they are different people now
he is still holding on to the perfect memory of her,
and sometimes it might not be about her , he could be associating her with a happy time in his life when he was young and maybe he misses his home country and she is part of that
unless she is unhappy in her own marriage, I can’t imagine her reciprocating, she probably doesn’t see your dh in that way anymore

you deserve to be more than second choice

Oh sweets!

can I ask did you have an arranged marriage?

my husband is from a south Asian culture and it’s sadly so so common for the older generation especially to have given up their love for someone their family would approve of