That I’m not DH “true love”

[Jensajenning]

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

I totally agree. I'd also tell him to go to her. I release you and do. Then OP can find someone who loves her. The one true love is not going to dump her husband for a piece of shIt like him.

I've been following this, OP, and I am so sorry this has happened. I know I would not be able to come back from what he said.

But...
I do think he loves you. I don't think you would have accepted a loveless marriage all these years or been fooled to the point that you are still in love with him.

That’s so shitty of him, the least he could have done out of respect for you and what you have together is to have lied and denied it. To say what he did is heartbreaking and I don’t think I could come back from that. I guess you have some thinking to do. I think the reality is she has moved on a long time ago and there was clearly a reason why they didn’t work. It’s easy to look back with rose tinted glasses isn’t it, I suspect this is what he is doing. I think he is a very fucking stupid man.

If it helps I think the break may help you both gain some perspective. I don’t doubt he loves you and his family but he is being very ridiculous in my view.

I wouldn't leave. His previous "true love" is just a fantasy. It's a fantasy of someone that no longer exists, and the person that loved her no longer exists either.

The reality is you and your lovely family together.

He can't see that but it's true. If push came to shove I doubt he would really go through with that - it's just an idea he carries round in his head.

Although I can see why it hurts. ☹️ If you were happy before, I wouldn't throw everything away just yet.

Yes there was no attack from
Op’s side. A repeated attack would be something like :

… she lost her temper and started insisting she doesn’t love him and vice-Versa, told him she believes he only married her to stay in the country and used for kids and kept repeating it…I can see how jf you’re being constantly accused of something you can just explode and say yes whatever mea cuppa…

But that scenario I’ve just outlined is of course completely fictional as that never happened!

What happened is a very open but painful conversation between a married couple where each spoke their mind. And in the end the only person who has a right to feel attacked is the OP.

mea culpa*

I agree with this. While he's away, get someone in real life to talk to and unpick this for yourself, as you (quite rightly) dont want to discuss it with people close to you atm as its been such a shock.

Just to say that I noticed that you frequently mention how you shouldn't have pushed him to speak as if this is your fault, as if it would be better to remain in ignorance.

Please stop blaming yourself. The truth, however painful, is better than continuing in ignorance, only to find out much further down the line.

I think you had to push. His statements sounded like he's really been thinking about it, and I think that level of resentment (because that is what it sounds like - Ive done my duty instead of having the life I wanted - so now its my turn and if I had my wish I would spend my life doing abc ) must have been not far from the surface and I think you've been picking up on it, but thinking of it as standard/normal and so dismissing it and so when he eventually opened up and dropped the bombshell (Just as he was about to go away for two months) and therefore did'nt have to live with the fallout, then of course you needed to push him to find out what he was on about because it sounds like he refuses to allude to it in daily life.

So I do think, get some counselling to deal with this. I think that while he's away having confidently dropped the bomb, he will expect things to be different when he comes home. It sounds like he wants real gratitude for all the Duty he's done and it also seems to lay out that you have no claim for affection because he's done that duty and so you have been taken care of.

Horribly selfish because what about your needs, what about the Duty you've been doing for 15 years. Its only about his massive self sacrifice and it is kind of saying like he doesn't owe you anything now.

If it was me I'd be rethinking the future with someone like this. I don't think that this idealised other love really comes into it. - -but I think that he has absolutely demolished any trust you have in him, the excuses for his lack of affection or engagement that one makes for people that you share a life with, have been washed a little thin and what would worry me is how he didn't have to think hard at all about his response, it all came out as if he'd already fathomed it out for himself. I am sorry this is so brutal and hard for you. But I do believe it is better to find it out now whilst you can still think about how you want to live your life, than when the children are grown up and ready to fly,

Sorry if I've missed this but was yours an arranged marriage?

I'm sorry OP, this must have been hard to hear, but you asked for it and he didn't want to say it to you. I would say to consider it carefully -- it isn't as if he deliberately threw it in your face, he didn't want to talk about it. Cultural differences seem to come into play here, but even without that, lots of people have someone they think of fondly as their "first love" or "the one that got away" and in most cases it's a grass is greener scenario. The other person probably never thinks of them at all.

Last night I watched the movie ‘what’s love got to do with it?’ In theory a bit of fun but it was thought provoking in that it put a focus on arranged marriages - the contrast between marrying for duty and love growing (or not) and passionate love resulting in marriage. Love / marriage is not black and white - there are grey areas. The real question is not what about this woman or what about the notion of real love - it’s are you both happy in your marriage and are you both committed to it.

How many couples do you know who were truly in love at the start who are still together after 15 years? I think you are undervaluing your DH, lasting love is about much more than instant passion.

This is a very good post OP. I would also take some free legal advice just to see where you stand as there is always a possibility that he could decide to end things.

I'm seeing a man in his early 40s married to an older woman who is suddenly looking around him and questioning where his youth has gone and if this situation is the one he thought he'd be in at his age. In other words, a mid-life crisis. He's started fantasying about an old flame imagining how things used to be, rather than the reality of now.

Also, he appears to believe that you have had a marriage of convenience in which he has done his duty. This can only be true if both parties were aware at the time they married and were happy with the situation, but at the time he led you to believe that it was more than that. In other words, he has lied to you throughout your marriage as it was convenient to him and he wasn't bothered about you and your feelings. He is monumentally selfish and was very cruel in what he said to you. Please don't feel bad as you pressed for an answer; you knew things didn't feel right and this is not your fault.

I'd use this time to move his things out of your room (maybe you have a spare room where he can sleep?) and not be doing any housekeeping or cooking for him going forward. After all, you have done your duty up till now as well. I'd be reassessing everything. If he wants a relationship with you going forward, he needs to show that he wants to be with you and is not just doing his duty. Otherwise I'd be asking him to move out while you take some time to think things through and start building a life of your own.

I feel your pain because I’ve been there. On our wedding night, my (now ex-) husband told me he loved me but wasn’t head over heels. OK, we’ll I was determined to make him happy and change that. About a year later, I overheard a conversation between him and his best friend telling him he didn’t love me the way he loved his ex-girlfriend, who was his real true love. I was 7 months pregnant and devastated. We stayed married 10 years and after many affairs and giving me STD, we divorced. He married 2 more times but I never did. I don’t know why I decided to stay with him knowing I wasn’t his first choice, except that I did love who I thought he was. I can still remember falling for him, but over the years, I realized I was just fooling myself because it wasn’t real. We divorced 35 years ago. He died 2 years ago from Covid and occasionally I dream about us being the young people we once were. It broke my heart and I never healed.

I don't have any helpful advice I suppose OP. That is obviously his truth and the truth ultimately has the power to be very painful.

At the same time he sounds like such a woefully self indulgent prat saying that, and it was wrong of him to go as far as he did in the way he expressed it, parts of it were clearly designed to hurt rather than inform and that is for me why it would be too far to come back from.

He has quite literally no idea what a life with someone else would be like or if they meaningfully have any interest in one with him ( I know I wouldn't be considering someone else's husband going on like he is to be the one that got away). Romanticising a total fantasy and denouncing the feelings and presence he chose to have in his own marriage and family only makes him look a bit pathetic and foolish in my opinion. Making a stand for 'true love' when that is someone outside of the marriage, whilst genuinely believing yourself a hero for managing to offer some basic stability in the face of it not being your preference just makes him sound very enamoured with himself, when really there are no prizes for doing it and quite the opposite - he's a coward really.

For me it would be a case of explaining to him that I had seen him in a disfavourable new light, was proud of what I put into the marriage when it was not always easy but that I feel I certainly deserve better, wouldn't participate further and would end it there.

It hurts…
you can’t act hot headed in this situation.
most marriages last out of convenience.
you must admit it had been convenient for you as well and you didn’t want to notice what was obvious (lack of emotions etc) , so what has changed?
consider your options carefully.. life of a divorcee with 3 kids is not the most desirable.
perhaps the wisest thing is to stay calm , change some rules and be open to other options if you want.

No advice just a hand hold. Your husband sounds like a horrid selfish coward

Nah he’s a middle aged man with a fantasy that the grass might have been greener if he had gone down another route. Business is tough, kids are hard - he’s yearning for a carefree moment in time that has gone. Imagine if he turned up to live with her for his last few weeks..she’s moved on so her child would be surprised. Are they supposed to melt in to the background whilst she mops his brow. It’s fantasy and escapism.

Take it away from him, like all kids take their toys away and they want them back. You’ll probably work out that he is a tool and you can do much better or he will realise who his memories are actually with.

The question is…Is he your true love?

I hate the why he made it sound like he did you a favour. “Duty” like marching on the Somme. Isn’t he so fucking honourable…

*way

I hesitate to defend the OP's husband, but he is speaking presumably in his second language. Duty is something more encompassing in a lot of cultures that have more collective/wider family oriented set-ups and he did do his 'duty' in that he's provided for the OP and three children, I don't think perhaps it's quite as it sounds.

@Elliecat7 that’s a very sad story. I wonder what cruelty drove him to reveal that to you on your wedding night. Men who do this aren’t being “honest” , the time for honesty would’ve been before your engagement.

The fact he was married 3 times and none of them worked out suggests he was always going to be dissatisfied. If he’d been with the “love of his life” he probably would have had an issue with her too.

Perhaps its his culture saying marriage is more a partnership between two people who get on very well and can live together in harmony with a family. Grand passion at the outset doesnt guarantee a happy marriage. If the passion fizzles out what's left.

Wow.. I’m sorry but that is totally unacceptable. You need to reconsider your relationship. He would go and be with her if he was told he had not long to live? Sorry but what the f*ck. I would leave him

You deserve more.