That I’m not DH “true love”

[Jensajenning]

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I also believe he's got some rose tinted memories of something that doesn't exist. She isn't with him, and he is with you. However if you feel you can't get over this I wouldn't mention it while he's away with all the kids, if he thinks you're going to divorce him and take the kids he might not come back

Those going on about holding on to the reality have missed the point, since the reality is OPs husband is totally unappreciative of her and has misled her for years, up until this honest conversation.

It's all about him and the supposed sacrifices he has made, finally admitting after OP went beyond his less than subtle hints, OP isn't, was never and won't be in the future, the woman he wants to be with.

OP has provided him (and his brother and family) the opportunity to gain legal status and build businesses, while OP has taken care children and home to facilitate this. Total marriage of convenience for the DH built on his deceit, but he is the one who is resentful.

A slap in the face for OP, but better to find out now and work through this.

OP needs to protect their interests.

I’m probably in the minority with this answer but l don’t think the “leave him” replies are helpful. You obviously have the children, a home and a lot of years building a life together so exploding all that before you can fully work out how this would impact everything would be mad. Only you can decide if you can’t move on. He clearly has a romantic immature streak in him and his “crime” was that he cruelly shared that with you . You are entitled to expect more but maybe let things sink in before you plan what to do. Perhaps you always suspected so stayed for your own reasons and even if this was a total shock it’s not a black/ white situation . Would he get counselling? If not , maybe you should so someone professional can help you navigate the future. Good luck !

Men are idiots, I learnt the hard way only ask emotional based questions if you are confident your partner is sufficiently emotionally mature to answer.

It wouldn't end my relationship as I don't believe in true love but right time right place however he clearly has some making up to do. He took all emotion out of it and compared it to something else, clearly stupid. There's also likely an element on his part of feeling the rush of new love but not remembering it. I can't remember the first date with my partner but must have been a good one!

I’m with you on this. I’ve imo been lucky enough to have felt true love. It was crazy, exciting, passionate and wild but we didn’t have kids, a house or bills so who knows. I am with someone else and he is everything to me, he’s exciting, handsome, kind, loving and best of all he’s so supportive of us. Two very different loves and I wouldn’t swap my current one to go back to my ‘true love’ for anything in this world.
Just because you’re not his true love it doesn’t make your love any less valid.

Goes home every August .. is he by any chance from the eastern part of Nigeria?

To the main issue, men , most, might I add are so clueless sometimes. I know everyone advocates for “telling it as it is “ but I don’t think this ought to be the case in every situation. He could have applied some tact there , really.

Whether he feels like this or not, he should have lied. Horrible thing to say to you. Very unnecessary.

Are you serious??

Your post took my breath away.
The pain you must have felt hearing those words is heart breaking, they are beyond cruel. The only advice I have is to talk to a good counsellor to unpick all your thoughts and feelings, clarity will come , you will then know how you want to proceed. Take good care of yourself, your in my thoughts x

I’m with you on this. I’ve imo been lucky enough to have felt true love. It was crazy, exciting, passionate and wild but we didn’t have kids, a house or bills so who knows. I am with someone else and he is everything to me, he’s exciting, handsome, kind, loving and best of all he’s so supportive of us. Two very different loves and I wouldn’t swap my current one to go back to my ‘true love’ for anything in this world.

@Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft It sounds like you also have some romantic love/passion for bloke #2 though, as you find him exciting and handsome.

Why is everyone saying he should have lied? Surely it's better to hear now than in another decade or so when the OP is going through the menopause and feeling rubbish and then gets hit with this.

I really don't like this don't ask don't tell thing going on, I'd rather know and face reality, and I've done it, and moved on or recommitted knowing something pretty devastating (not this)- I do value honesty, the thought of someone just lying that they were in love with me as that's somehow better is just awful.

The average age of menopause in this country is 51. At 49 she definitely isn’t a decade or so away from it. There’s never a good time for a revelry like this.

Ffs revelation, not bloody revelry!

@Blossomtoes I missed that bit, I thought the OP was a bit younger. In that case, even more reason to think truthfully and honestly (to herself) about the future.

This is such a difficult situation.

I think if I was in your position, I could accept not being the love of his life - and it seems that you sort of already knew this but pushed it away.

I would not be able to accept the status quo after his subsequent comment about if he had a month to live. That would be the end of the marriage for me. It's one thing accepting that I'm not someone's true love but I would not carry on knowing that if the world was about to end, he'd be desperately making his way to his true love...

And it may make it easier to know that he's probably deluded. She isn't his true love - if she was, he wouldn't have left. And he isn't her true love or she would have followed him. She's probably unaware of all of this. It could simply be a fantasy of his making.

Ultimately though, I'd rather know how he feels. I'd hate to get to be at the end part of my life and find out. I'd feel my whole life was a lie. At least now you know its not like that - he loves rhe children and he seems to truly apprexiate you as wife, mother and home maker. As he said, he's done his duty...

That’s a shitty thing to hear. Maybe he would feel differently if you left, maybe not. He may well be seeing her through rose tinted glasses. Sometimes you don’t know a good thing until it’s gone.

I think distance would be a good thing; I would ask for a temporary separation. You go find your true love, or not, enjoy your time without him. What a disappointment.

OP
I have read the whole thread and have changed my views a few times over the course of it.
I feel dreadfully sorry for you but I think deep
Down you knew how your husband felt and that is why you pushed it - you had every right to get the truth from him and you must take what he has said as his truth. I'm afraid this does sound like a marriage of convenience for him and to him he is carrying out his side of the bargain. Now if you are happy to remain in a marriage like this then that is your choice. You have not said that he is cruel or unkind and for some this is enough!

I was going to say ...call his bluff, release him and allow him his freedom to pursue this OW and you might just find he discovers he does indeed love you and does not want to leave the marriage, stranger things have happened - however only do this if you are prepared for your marriage to be over. Personally I could not live in a loveless marriage. I have been married 30 years and we have had our share of problems but we love each other deeply and that is what has got us through the tough times.

I wish you all the best 🌸

My heart bleeds for you OP, and I did keep on like you did, until my husband admitted he had loved somebody else all our married life. And like so many people have advised you, I divorced him. But this was a major mistake. My sons who were both over 18 were devastated, and as a family we were financially ruined. I met somebody else who was a complete waste of space, but who was there to help me? My ex husband. He was still the lovely, funny, kind, generous man I married. We were the cliched “best friends”. Sadly he died and I miss him every day. Now I am NOT suggesting you hang on in there, but I am suggesting you think very carefully. You are married to a good man, who possibly has a fantasy about a better love. But it sounds like a fantasy. Can’t we all think of somebody who was drop dead gorgeous who could have been the love of our life?
Just think very carefully before you destroy what you have.

OP, first think that I thought when I read your post is are you from the same culture and ethnic background and do your cultures have the same expectation of marriage? If I am right, were you aware of the cultural disconnect before you married? Has he ever deliberately lied to you about your being "the one"
I don't know what to suggest you should do because it will depend if you can accept what he has to give?

I would be worried now what happens when the kids fly the nest, or he reaches a milestone age, will he then leave? When does his obligation end in his mind.

I'm sorry this sounds awful for you, I would take a step back, devote time to yourself, you're not a place marker for his true love. And what if he gets sick or you get sick, are you to be his carer if true love declines him, how is he so sure she'd take him back? I feel for you you sound like an amazing mother.

This is so sad, I felt upset reading it. I would not be able to move past those words being said. Poster you deserve better, everyone deserves better than being second best. You need to have a good think while he is away. Consider what you want and do what is best for you.

Oh wow, I'm so sorry! I couldn't get past this at all, you're his DUTY? That's not even as good as second best! Whilst he's away I'd be getting my ducks in a row and seeing a solicitor, I wouldn't accept being married to someone who thinks so little of me, in fact I finished with my ex because he didn't want to get married or have kids but wanted to stay together, not what I wanted at all! Sending you a big hug x

@Bugbabe1970 I am deadly serious. How selfish can a parent be to throw a supportive, solid relationship away and upend their children’s lives to go off in pursuit of some sort of Disney-style, fairytale “one true love” romance for themselves?!

So sorry OP. I wasn't sure at the start that it was a big deal, but when I read the bit about leaving you to be with her if he was dying, that was just horrible!

Firstly, as PPs have said, that is rubbish as she clearly doesnt want him!

But him having such a stupid schoolboy view of love after years of marriage and children, is an awful thing to have to try and live with. I dont suppose DH and I have those giddy young love feelings about each other that we may have felt about partners in our teens and early twenties, but we married a bit later in life. We appreciate each other even after 25 years and have made a wonderful family together. Yes, we probably felt stupidly soppy about our first loves but that wasnt real, this is! And we do love each other to bits and fancy each other, just maybe moved past that 'butterflies' excitement that first 'love' can bring.

I dont know how you get past him admitting he is still hung up on a pathetic memory from years ago though. If everything else is good I hope you can work things out, but he needs to grow up!!