That I’m not DH “true love”

[Jensajenning]

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

I think you should ask him if he wants to leave the marriage. If he says no, ask him for the reasons he wants to stay. Tell him to think hard about it before answering. See if those reasons reassure you. Or if they don’t, it’ll be easier to make your decision.

They don't write it in your passport, love. You get to stay in the UK regardless. Take a look at his passport and any Home Office documentation he has. Then look up the UK rules for immigration (and marriage) for people from that country.

If he's an illegal immigrant, he won't have a passport at all, or it won't have the appropriate visa in it.

If he's a legal immigrant he may still only have a temporary/limited right to remain.

They put the rules for marriage online here. Of course, you can marry anyone abroad. You can't necessarily get them a visa to come to the UK though.
https://www.gov.uk/marriages-civil-partnerships/from-outside-the-uk-or-ireland

I don't think there's any going back from this, OP, the whole thing will mess with your head.
I went from being with a guy who appeared to being in love with me and I also got to being in love with him but he broke it off and he eventually (a couple of years later to be fair) ended up with a fwb out of convenience who later dumped him and he came crawling back to me.

When I say I um-ed and aah-ed I am underplaying it: I went through psychological torture before I finally told him to get lost.
Was I first choice or second? It messed with my head, made me doubt myself, my OCD (which I'd always had but had under control went off the charts) and your head will be messed with too.
You know the truth: get rid.

If he was dying he'd spend his last days with her, wtf?!

So forget love and what it means and think of your mental health.

And who gives a toss if lots of people are in marriages out of comfort and ease?
That only works if BOTH partners are OK with it!!
The emotional and psychological havoc it plays upon the one who IS in love with the other should NOT be downplayed.

God I'm banging on a lot here but I feel strongly about this. I really do.

We're not living in the dark ages, and forgive me for my assumption, but I think OP and her kids will still have food and shelter if she divorces her not so dear 'h',
so why continue?

The kids' sake? F*king 'duty? Sod that shit. The OP' s sanity, self-confidence and peace of mind comes first.

But you must have had an inkling, no?
And it works both ways. I'd be hurt if I lived overseas for my family, and my partner never visited with me.

I do feel for you, honestly. But you pushed and pushed and this was the result. The question now, I guess, is what are you going to do about it?

Exactly. The post by @Ishallgototheball is the biggest pile of bullshit I’ve read in a long time. Please make sure you ignore it OP.

@PatientZorro triggered by accountability.

The OP asked for a way back from the mess she knew she’d contributed to.
This is not the time to attack but to make detente. This is the time to set aside gender politics, a time to build bridges, step into the other person’s shoes and walk around in them. Accepting to her intimate partner the content she has shared with us will go some way to starting to build and share some honesty with each other. There’s so much talk here of deserving, and entitled to better, when a reality is that this wife and husband are in this position of upset and distance, and for their family’s sake, talking and working together will yield less unhappiness.

So many of you didn’t seem to understand the obvious: the husband was wildly exaggerating his feelings for the ex, deliberately and cruelly saying the worst possible version he could think of that would hit his wife’s Achilles heel, IN A MEASURED RESPONSE TO HER REPEATED ATTACKS.
To anyone who has actually taken the time to get to know how men behave under pressure, they escalate in what they think is equal measure until they sense we’ve crossed a cruel line, and then they deliver their cruellest fire-quencher, their biggest firehose water delivery, trying to break our spirit and get us to collapse in a crying heap, wanting help and therefore READY TO TALK PEACE.

I really thought that was obvious. How did you miss that??

He didn’t mean all the dramatic last month alive I would spend it with her, he was, in his mind, retaliating with equal cruelty.

He will want peace as much as the OP does.

It’s just that some of you here are actively counselling her for more war, entirely contra to what she asked for.
The OP wants to come back from this.

Please don’t stand in her way..

It's such a difficult situation.After almost 40 yrs I've re met my first love.We're both in loveless relationships and meeting him again has been a revelation. Your partner had laid out his cards and it must feel to you that your relationship has been transactional.Use the time away from him to think the situation through carefully.

You poor thing, that’s such a dreadful thing for him to say. (Even if he privately thought it!) I don’t think I could get past that personally. No idea what to suggest, but I think it would be the beginning of the end for me.

No, I’m not “triggered” by your nonsense @Ishallgototheball… just advising the OP not to waste her time even reading your victim blaming crap when there is so much better advice here. She’s got enough to think about without taking all your issues on board.

This is a weird thing that you speak for all men, esp not being a man. To me it was all obviously your own projection 🤔

And you judge it all on the basis of these words, like everything was amazing and she is about to throw it all away just because of his words now. @Jensajenning said she felt they were like flatmates for years 🤷‍♀️

Hear! hear!

Sorry, but I don't think it is insulting. Nor is it analogous with with a British father taking DC away. He has family and The One (allegedly ) abroad. There could be good reasons for him to stay there if you start rocking the boat here.

I imagine him to be from Turkey or some country where the culture is very different from English mindset. There is a maturity in one sense that many UK men seem to lack, whereby setting up a home, a wife, a family, are massively desirable attributes of a full, mature life. He's proved this in how loyal he has been to your family set up. But marriage can be a much more pragmatic decision in many cultures. It's not seen as wrong to marry for practical reasons rather than love. Whereas in our culture in seems to be all about 'love' and if that fades, people seem happy to split up the family and cause economic and emotional upset just for the sake of finding 'love' again.

I honestly wouldn't judge him for marrying for pragmatic reasons, and I would respect him for taking marriage and family life seriously in a practical way. But the childish clinging to a 'love' for someone he has no long term intimacy with - I'd challenge that. At very least I'd say, well of course you still want her because you haven;t had years of over-familiarity with her. Not woken up to her bad breath or bad moods, not had her tiny irritating habits build up over the years. To you, she is someone you see in public and we all show our best selves in public - nicely dressed and fragrant, being civil. Point out to him that the comparison is just untenable. He could only judge who he truly loves most if he had spent 15 years with her, with her colds and period pains and bossiness or forgetfulness and needs and wants which clash at times with his. That's proper mature love. The texture of the years, the shared experiences.

I do agree that in similar cultures, there's very much an emphasis on men getting married and having a family as a very important life goal, much earlier and with a different outlook than many UK men. It's refreshing on the one hand (I married someone similar) compared to a lot of faffing UK men who have to be given ultimatums or just don't marry at all, but the risk is that's their priority: being a conventional provider and marrying for the stability of the whole family (so his sibling coming to the UK), rather than 'love' in the sense we might hope.

I don't think those saying that he clearly entered a transaction 15 years ago have got it quite right, it's possible for relationships to be multi-layered and to grow over time; the OP perceived that they did have a romantic love relationship, and presumably, he gave that impression, and so to hear he doesn't see it that way is very hurtful.

The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction is the phrase that springs to mind.

I honestly don't know what planet those advising counselling or quiet talking are on.

She is rightfully angry, he's a user, who'll f*ck off to another woman if he could.

How could anyone think there's a way back from what he said?! 🙄It's mind boggling.

Utter nonsense.

The OP doesn't need random strangers to 'end' this sham of a marriage for her.

Without any other input, and whether she posted here or not, she herself will be driven up the wall by what he said because there's no talking it away.

All those telling her it's hopeless are just trying to save her the trouble of trying to 'fix' an untenable situation and just end it now.
That"s true pragmatism.

@Starshiptroopee I never heard that phrase before about the tigers of wrath!

It's bloody excellent, isn't it?

What an immature fool he sounds. Thinking his unrequited obsession for an ex is somehow deeper and more meaningful than a life built with someone.
He obviously fancies himself as the hero in his own romance with the loss of his one true love and his 'if I had a day, a week a month...' monologue. If you weren't so hurt I doubt you'd have kept a straight face. Pathetic.
Anyhow. Can this be overcome? If it were me, unfortunately not. Firstly I would have little respect for a grown man who thought like a teenager. Secondly, I'd be deeply suspicious of his need to share that with me as its smacks very much of negging and power play. Thirdly, I think I deserve to be with a man who doesn't consider me a compromise. As do you.

It's interesting how the advice has generally split into LTB or you can work this out.

In my opinion those that think you can work it out are likening your husband's feelings to a long marriage where initial love settles into companionship, trust and security. Where falling in love turns to a deep love that may no longer be passionate but is safe.

I don't think that is what your husband described. And your updates suggest even more that your entire marriage was not built on love...but convenience. He was able to stay in the UK and do his duty for his family. You were able to have marriage and family.

In the above situation, feelings can grow and love can appear...which is wonderful. And that seems to be what you thought had happened.

The reality is that he has never loved you in any way. That's what he has outright said to you. And it isn't because he is incapable of feeling love because as he brutally said...he experienced true love with another.

Now, most of us agree that his idea of true love is flawed. It is based on a young romance that ended because neither was prepared to give up their future. But his expression of your relationship as a duty, his sacrifice and compromise is an insult. He has zero awareness of your feelings and their importance.

What should you do? Spend the next few weeks working through your feelings. You answered another poster by saying you couldn't say whether you laughed together and made each other happy. He may be a good father but he does not sound like a good husband (providing financial security is surely not enough).

Everyone deserves the chance to find love, though not everyone finds it. One thing for sure is that you will not find it in your marriage.

The reality is that he has never loved you in any way

He never said that!

Oh, come on! Don't gaslight the OP. His attitude to being with her is 'you can't have everything' (guess I'm stuck with you) and once he's done his duty it's his turn to have what he wants (he doesn't want what he's got now). She's not overreacting at all to be reeling from this, despite his gaslighting that she's nothing to complain about.

Have you heard from him, OP?

Oh, go away with your perpetuation of toxic masculinity. Men do this and men do that... Bullcrap! Men need to learn to express their emotions and be true to their feelings.

Also, you keep saying how she cornered him and attacked him, since when is asking for the truth an attack?!?