Page 20 | That I’m not DH “true love”

Jensajenning · 2023-08-04T19:00:17+00:00

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is . Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no . I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him . His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have . I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything . I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought . Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since . I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met . He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain. It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops … He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said “If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now” He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

porridgeisbae · 05/08/2023 18:47

Both parties seemed to get what they wanted out of the marriage? The OP says he’s a good husband and father

He has been a good husband in the past, now he hasn't been. OP wasn't just looking for a bloke to do a role, but for one that also loved her in the fullest romantic sense. That's what she hoped she had.

He hasn’t set out to tell her this

He was the one that chose to say what he first came out with.

My fingers are crossed that the OP gets a loving apology in the coming days

He would have a lot of making up to do.

PopGoesTheWeaselYetAgain · 05/08/2023 18:47

DaisyThistle · 04/08/2023 21:47

My main problem with this would be that he is deeply emotionally immature. Anyone who believes that immature and unfulfilled first love is greater than love that endures, that enables family and children to thrive, is a bit of a childish tosser. He can't see the difference between unfulfilled lust and deep love.

I'd be concerned that he might get all macho and take the kids back to hsi own country if you try to leave now. But I wouldn't want to stay with someone who is so dismissive of the most valuable kind of love.

This. What age were they when they were together? They were just kids. I built all kinds of castles in the sky at that age, I've left them all in the clouds years ago.

7eleven · 05/08/2023 18:51

porridgeisbae · 05/08/2023 18:43

If I was your therapist I'd put your husband 'outside of the room' and focus on why you push him on this issue. Why now?

@Twattergy She was responding to the comment that he made, which he hadn't openly said before.

But the OP goes on to say that she knew at the time he didn’t feel fireworks and that she wasn’t his first choice.

Whilst I get why she’s hurt, and I’m sad for her, she’s got what she knew she was getting hasn’t she?

Whether it’s enough moving forward is for her to decide.

Pontiouspilate · 05/08/2023 19:09

Sounds to me like he might very well be in a relationship with her anyway. He goes home a lot. He loves her. If he was dying he’d go and be with her.

He married you for a green card and I’m really sorry for how hard that must be to hear. What a cunt

PopGoesTheWeaselYetAgain · 05/08/2023 19:09

Doggymummar · 04/08/2023 21:58

I m not sure how people are so worked up about this. Most of us have the one that got away don't we? I know I do. I was married for 20 years and would have left at the drop of a hat if he had become available.

I'm with someone else now and I don't think of the one that got away anymore. I thought we settled at a certain age for the stability and companionship of someone else.

Then you're just another really selfish person. None of us are entitled to the companionship, kids, home etc. If we're lucky enough to find somebody willing to overlook all of our faults and love us anyway, we return the favour, or we don't get married. Not pine away after somebody else who isn't available!

LuluBlakey1 · 05/08/2023 19:14

Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 22:09

@LuluBlakey1 I would say sometimes it has been like roommates but i thought as the children got older we would naturally go back to being a couple as they needed us less ..

Sorry your post has really made me think and I can’t answer it right now , I genuinely don’t know if I have ever felt any of those of things

Your response is very telling OP.

I don't thing any if the things I asked about would be unusual between two people who really loved each other. I think they are very normal, day to day bits of a happy marriage. The fact that you have never felt/experienced them in your marriage is really sad.

I think you have time over the next few weeks to really think about how to move on in your life. You deserve to be loved- don't accept being his second best. I think what he said is unforgivable.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 05/08/2023 19:19

WomanHereHear · 05/08/2023 00:13

It’s not spite my dear. It is advice coming from a good place. But yes I’m evil so I shall shut up. Good luck.

Show quote history

For me it wasn’t spite. When you’ve worked for a family divorce lawyer and seen similar cases involving children being taken abroad then you see how worrying it is whether it’s for the husband or wife left behind.

To be fair you rushed into this relationship incredibly quickly with a man most of us would’ve had second doubts about. It’s not as though you were young and immature either.

However you want to look at it most of us here think your marriage is over.

Not sure what else to say really.

Mirabai · 05/08/2023 19:29

porridgeisbae · 05/08/2023 18:35

Well that’s the ideal, but many women in mid 30s have choices to make: do they keep holding out for Mr Darcy and risk not having kids, or do they settle for Colin accounts, or the illegal immigrant who wants a visa.

OP clearly thought it was for real, passionate love for both of them, otherwise she wouldn't be upset.

@Jensajenning I agree with @Matronic6 . Ignore any post saying your husband is admirable and you're in the wrong. It was he who made the first hurtful comment of his own accord.

If anyone marries an illegal immigrant they must have fairly good idea that their attraction is in part the chance of U.K. residency. If they haven’t considered that and choose to believe they’re star-crossed lovers they may be in for a surprise a la OP.

ObiKenobi · 05/08/2023 19:33

As fucked up as this is for you, he was being brutally honest when he told you. It’s not what you wanted to hear, but he could’ve lied. I suspect that they both plan on being together at some point in their lives. If I didn’t know what had happened I’d think that you had a decent relationship, no one ever has it all despite what they may say. I’m so sorry OP.

PopGoesTheWeaselYetAgain · 05/08/2023 20:47

Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 22:01

@Highdaysandholidays1 thank you for your thoughtful reply , yes I think it is a case of can I accept being in this position because I know him - if he said it - he meant it . He genuinely must believe that I can’t complain because he is right in a way he has done everything he’s said .

OP, being a SAHM can really affect your self-esteem. You feel like you have to be grateful for everything. Also, when people hurt me, I have this habit of being 'fair' to them - thinking about all their good points, how they've been so kind to x person, or they always do this thing or that thing conscientiously. This is because I don't want to face the fact that somebody who might have a lot of good qualities just doesn't want to make the effort with me because they just don't think I'm worth it.

MagicClawHasNoChildren · 05/08/2023 21:02

coeurnoir · 05/08/2023 17:36

My first husband was, and always will be, my true love. However, we did not work together as a couple and once the kids came along then it was a,ways going to be a matter of time before we imploded.

I'm now married to my second husband. He's a lovely, kind, gentle and loving man. I know I'm the love of his life....but he never will be mine.

The,difference, however, is that I will never tell him.

Sorry - I may be being really thick, here, but in what sense was he your 'true love' if you didn't work at all as a couple? I'd have thought that one of the most basic 'true love' criteria was actually being compatible.

Original poster

Jensajenning · 05/08/2023 21:10

@Lulooo you said “yearn to leave you” I think you have just described something I couldn’t put into words so far . Maybe not so much the leaving , but the yearning - to know he has yearned for our life together to have it with someone else … that hurts .

I have spent the day with Ds , spoiling him a little because I know he isn’t best pleased at missing his holiday . I still don’t have answers, and I haven’t confided in anyone in RL because then I suppose I have to have something to say , I have to have some plan and I don’t .

Dh would not do counselling of any kind , I don’t need to ask to know that . He would a) never talk to a stranger about his emotions b) I think he would see it as a breach of trust I suppose if he knew I was .

I am considering it . I think to say it to someone who has no idea or impression of our life would be easier than telling my sisters or my friends .

Again thank you for advice I am still reading as you can imagine it is still very fresh and overwhelming

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 05/08/2023 21:26

@Jensajenning

Dh would not do counselling of any kind , I don’t need to ask to know that . He would a) never talk to a stranger about his emotions b) I think he would see it as a breach of trust I suppose if he knew I was .

Considering the terrible breach of YOUR trust he committed by not being honest with you BEFORE he married you, the last thing I'd be worried about is breaching his 'trust' now. You talk to whomever you choose, get whatever help you need in unraveling your emotions. He gave up any rights to feel anything about what you do now.

If he'd been a man of honor he would either never have married at all knowing he couldn't give any other woman the love she deserved, or he would have been honest with you about this 'unattainable one true love' and let you make up your own mind as far as whether or not you could accept whatever 'emotion' he had left to give you. But instead, he let you believe he loved you and let you marry him in that falsehood. IMHO that was pretty despicable. He took your free choice away from you. Whether he did it to get legal status or he did it because he just felt it was time to marry and 'there you were' is really irrelevant. It's the deception that I'd find unforgivable.

DojaPhat · 05/08/2023 21:43

Mirabai · 05/08/2023 19:29

If anyone marries an illegal immigrant they must have fairly good idea that their attraction is in part the chance of U.K. residency. If they haven’t considered that and choose to believe they’re star-crossed lovers they may be in for a surprise a la OP.

Show quote history

You must tell me where the state-sanctioned list of countries from which I can find a potential spouse is written on my passport @Mirabai. I've just flipped through my two and can't seem to locate it in either. Help!!!

UWOT1 · 05/08/2023 21:46

Jensajenning · 05/08/2023 21:10

@Lulooo you said “yearn to leave you” I think you have just described something I couldn’t put into words so far . Maybe not so much the leaving , but the yearning - to know he has yearned for our life together to have it with someone else … that hurts .

I have spent the day with Ds , spoiling him a little because I know he isn’t best pleased at missing his holiday . I still don’t have answers, and I haven’t confided in anyone in RL because then I suppose I have to have something to say , I have to have some plan and I don’t .

Dh would not do counselling of any kind , I don’t need to ask to know that . He would a) never talk to a stranger about his emotions b) I think he would see it as a breach of trust I suppose if he knew I was .

I am considering it . I think to say it to someone who has no idea or impression of our life would be easier than telling my sisters or my friends .

Again thank you for advice I am still reading as you can imagine it is still very fresh and overwhelming

His feelings shouldn't factor into you accessing support for your MH. You should be able to do that without fear or concern. I think it would be hugely beneficial for you to un pick this and process it with the benefit of an impartial person.

Mirabai · 05/08/2023 21:59

DojaPhat · 05/08/2023 21:43

You must tell me where the state-sanctioned list of countries from which I can find a potential spouse is written on my passport @Mirabai. I've just flipped through my two and can't seem to locate it in either. Help!!!

Show quote history

Hun? It’s the legal status at issue not the location.

Mirabai · 05/08/2023 22:01

Huh not hun 😆

aloris · 05/08/2023 22:16

AcrossthePond55 · 05/08/2023 21:26

@Jensajenning

Dh would not do counselling of any kind , I don’t need to ask to know that . He would a) never talk to a stranger about his emotions b) I think he would see it as a breach of trust I suppose if he knew I was .

Considering the terrible breach of YOUR trust he committed by not being honest with you BEFORE he married you, the last thing I'd be worried about is breaching his 'trust' now. You talk to whomever you choose, get whatever help you need in unraveling your emotions. He gave up any rights to feel anything about what you do now.

If he'd been a man of honor he would either never have married at all knowing he couldn't give any other woman the love she deserved, or he would have been honest with you about this 'unattainable one true love' and let you make up your own mind as far as whether or not you could accept whatever 'emotion' he had left to give you. But instead, he let you believe he loved you and let you marry him in that falsehood. IMHO that was pretty despicable. He took your free choice away from you. Whether he did it to get legal status or he did it because he just felt it was time to marry and 'there you were' is really irrelevant. It's the deception that I'd find unforgivable.

I agree with this but he likely would not, considering he says he has "done his duty" towards her and that she has "nothing to complain about." He likely did not marry her while thinking of himself as a villain. He presumably had some sort of rationalization whereby he considered it acceptable to marry her without disclosing his internal disposition or feelings. It doesn't make him right, (regardless of the odious ways some people here are defending him) but it does mean she may need to be rather careful. If she gets a counselor (or a solicitor), would there be any documentation that arrives at the house? That sort of thing.

Probably wouldn't hurt to start withdrawing some cash, a little bit at a time, so it doesn't attract his attention, and stashing it away with a friend or family member, so that if she decides she needs to extricate herself, she has enough resources to ensure she can hire help.

This, among a growing list of his other behaviors, also seem to suggest that this is not actually the mature, quiet love some of his defenders here are imagining. I think the fact that he would say something so cruel, but, if OP got help to process it, he would see her as betraying him, kinda tells us the answer here.

DojaPhat · 05/08/2023 22:24

Mirabai · 05/08/2023 22:01

Huh not hun 😆

not a single border-crossing brain cell in sight!

Mirabai · 05/08/2023 22:53

DojaPhat · 05/08/2023 22:24

not a single border-crossing brain cell in sight!

Show quote history

I agree. Your OP was complete twaddle, I was very nice about it though.

LuluBlakey1 · 06/08/2023 00:45

Jensajenning · 05/08/2023 21:10

@Lulooo you said “yearn to leave you” I think you have just described something I couldn’t put into words so far . Maybe not so much the leaving , but the yearning - to know he has yearned for our life together to have it with someone else … that hurts .

I have spent the day with Ds , spoiling him a little because I know he isn’t best pleased at missing his holiday . I still don’t have answers, and I haven’t confided in anyone in RL because then I suppose I have to have something to say , I have to have some plan and I don’t .

Dh would not do counselling of any kind , I don’t need to ask to know that . He would a) never talk to a stranger about his emotions b) I think he would see it as a breach of trust I suppose if he knew I was .

I am considering it . I think to say it to someone who has no idea or impression of our life would be easier than telling my sisters or my friends .

Again thank you for advice I am still reading as you can imagine it is still very fresh and overwhelming

What about his breach of trust? He promised :
'to have and to hold
from this day forward;
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
till death us do part'

He appears to think he kept his promises. I don't. I think he lied when he made them and misled you from the start. That's a huge breach of trust. You could probably have the marriage, and his legal status here, annulled on the basis that you did not legally consent to it- because you were lied to. He loved someone else, was not in love with you and would leave you for her if the opportunity arose. You would not have consented had he been honest.

He's a horror.

RadiantRainbow · 06/08/2023 00:53

For everyone who hasn't read the thread properly, he didn't do his duty by marrying the OP because she got pregnant. She even said he had low sex drive (a guy in his 20s?). She married him and then got pregnant. He apparently thinks that his duty was to give her a child/children, then provide for them.

I know an awful story/truth which was revealed by someone's DH in my extended family at the time of split up, he also allegedly had "low sex" drive but then turned out he didn't, and he hadn't been technically unfaithful or anything, because he also had fucked-up ideas about honour and duty. I just hope it's not something what is happening in OP's marriage...

OP started asking questions because some subconscious anxiety over not feeling loved has accumulated.
DH possibly replied with too much detail because he has subconscious anxiety of his own, maybe his duty cup is feeling too full and he is feeling like he's got less to lose as time goes on...he's unintentionally laying the groundwork for a split up. Potentially he could have said it understanding that the OP would be shaken up enough for some changes, maybe a break-up, and he would be able to still say - I didn't want a divorce, it was her.

RadiantRainbow · 06/08/2023 00:59

I do agree that the romantic idea of "true love" is overrated and harmful, but the idea of love is not overrated at all. I don't think the OP has ever felt really loved, wanted, nourished, that her DH was truly interested in her as a person...

All the posters who go on about how they didn't have the headiness but had all the other stuff so don't regret not having passion at the beginning, the OP doesn't have "the other stuff" by the look of it!
She seems to have an efficient co-parent and provider, that's about it

CarlossitaMamacita · 06/08/2023 01:00

@RadiantRainbow so what are you saying about this guy from your circle? That he was gay or in some weirdo cult? Why in the end he turned out to have a fake low libido but still 'honorable' ideas on loyalty?

RadiantRainbow · 06/08/2023 01:07

@CarlossitaMamacita I am a bit reluctant to tell and to put ideas/extra worry in OP's head 😖though I guess again it might be better to know than not to know because it's easier to take decisions knowing the whole picture. If @Jensajenning wants to hear what the deal with that relative was, I will tell ...