I haven’t read the whole thread.
From the detail in your brave original post, it’s clear to me that you know you pushed and pushed and pushed him. Masochistic in your pushing.
Surely it has occurred to you that your escalation and pushing would have had a rising impact upon him as well?
For some folk to just blame him, in their wanting to support you, misses out some important adult realities.
You enticed him to speak frankly to you. You told him it would all be ok, and that your imagined version of the truth was ok: you led him to believe that he could be direct and open with you without any repercussion.
« but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage »
Can you see that in your subsequent words to him you then annoyed him further by showing how your statement above was clearly not true for you, and that there and then, live in the room, you were lying to him and trying to manipulate him.
Surely you can understand that this would have goaded him further.
By your account he still held his anger, he was not emotional, he was calm, all qualities we admire in our husbands and our men when there is a crisis or an emergency.
You wrote
« I should have left it there but I didn’t
« he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop
« it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops … »
Yet here you are wanting to know how you come back from this. You need to take control of your own mind, because how you write of your behaviour, you’re out of control. There is something other than your rational self making these decisions and implementing them in real time.
You then wrote
« He got angry in the end » and still it didn’t end there. You wrote some more, and clearly here, your intention was to hurt him.
Not satisfied with all the damage you had inflicted already, on each of you, you then focussed on wanting to hurt him, by saying
« I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now »
Can you understand that you were now attacking him?
Can you see that you told him earlier it would be safe for him to share with you, and that deception of yours encouraged him to share; but you took that sensitively shared information and used it against him.
Can you see that you then attacked someone he said he loved. No wonder he stormed out.
Your behaviour was terrible. And you know it.
« I wish I had never pushed » you wrote towards the end of your original post. You know you created an awful scenario.
And finally, you condemn him for your lack of empathy. For your lack, you condemn him:
« I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that … »
Your lack of ability to understand is not his failing, it is yours.
i know that most likely you won’t have read to the end of this post, and if you have, you’ll dismiss it.
But the most useful opinons in a matter like this, are the opinions that don’t blindly support you.
If you’d like to find a way back to peace with your husband, I strongly recommend you entertain the concept that when you think you’re completely 100% right, please be open that you might be completely wrong.
Even when you were on the warpath with your husband, he did you the honour of staying calm and telling you a truth that he knew would shrink him in your eyes.
That was real strength of character in action.
You may hate the truth that you deceived and prised out of him under duress, but your part in this process was a despicable one. Your behaviour was terrible, on the eve of you both being apart for weeks.
He deserves a full and empathic apology from you, and respect for having treated you plainly when you were storming at him. He behaved better than your behaviour deserved.