That I’m not DH “true love”

[Jensajenning]

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

This thread is the true definition of don’t ask questions that you don’t want answered.

His answers were fucking brutal. It sounds like he’s with you to just tick a box and say, ‘Yeah I’m married, I have kids and I’m a good partner. I just don’t love you.’ And then to top it off there’s someone else who he sees as his true love.

Well damn. I don’t even know what to say OP other than sorry. That’s pretty shit

Yes, I agree with @Ishallgototheball also.

When strongly cornered, people can overstate their feelings. OP, you pushed and you pushed him to say things he didn’t want to. He possibly doesn’t mean them but you clearly wouldn’t stop until you heard what you wanted to hear. I think you picked a fight (for reasons that only you know.)

FWIW, I think notions of ‘Disney’ true love are a bit overrated. By your admission he’s been a good husband and father. Don’t underestimate the value of that. That is love, in my book.

I think this could be more about how you feel about yourself then about his feelings about you?

Unfortunately life is rarely black and white. And this situation isn’t for OP. All well and good for onlookers to be decisive and ‘know’ the solutions. In the fullness of time and hopefully with someone who OP can talk to, she will feel more clearly how and what she wants.

Oh my god, this is just too tragic for words. Has he ever professed his love to you? It seems to me, based on what you've shared, that he and this other woman from his town are the classic case of "the one that got away" for each other. Perhaps he was only staying with you for the sake of the little ones. I'm absolutely gutted for you darling, but if it were me in your shoes, I'd have to give him the old heave-ho. How can you bear the thought that he's just putting up with you, while hoping and dreaming of being with her? And forget about whether she wants him or not, the important thing is that HE wants HER.
My dad's friends confessed on his DEATH BED that he was never in love with his wife and he was secretly in love with another woman. I thought it was awful for him and just as much for his wife who had been living a lie! At least you have the truth while you're living. He's told you how he feels – believe him.

Agreed. It amounts to "how dare you take steps to establish a truth you've long suspected about your own life".

I suppose the OP should have been content to continue to actively court ignorance of her husband's true feelings about her and to continue to play the part in his life that he has designated for her without question.

Fuck that noise.

It's often said on here that marriage, however you want to dress it up, is in effect a contract. That is to say I can see from a clinical or rather cold perspective how he has fulfilled his 'duty' @Starshiptroopee. Ultimately though, nobody dragged him down the isle so if it helps him sleep better at night to consider his relationship with the OP as him committing to his duty out of a sense of moral and in this case contractual obligation - he has very much done that.

The issue which has arisen is that the OP very much did not approach their relationship from a similar angle. Many marriages from day one have been built on a partnered arrangement of sorts. These marriages work fine so long as both parties are aware and happy with the agreement. This is evidently not the case for the OP, and even if it had been at one point in time, the OP's feelings have since evolved in a way which her husband's did not.

It's all very well and good for posters to say in these circumstances they'd immediately seek divorce (I would too, there's no coming back from this for me), but I think the OP still has quite a lot of reflecting to do with regards to the relationship and really considering some things which she seems unable to unpick at the moment. From your posts @Jensajenning, as much as the delivery might have come as a shock, I suspect he's confirmed something that you've always 'known' or felt deep down inside. Granted in a very brutal manner - that in itself is enough.

I think the treating you as a "duty" sucks. I would talk about this when he gets back and get further clarity - does he really think of your relationship as a duty? Like lots of people, I have a "true love"/"one who got away" in my life. I love him more intensely than I have anyone else, and like him much more as well. We understood each other in a way that I haven't experienced again since. But he was also insane, and would not have wanted (or been capable of building) the type of life that I wanted. Long term we have incompatible aims and goals. So I ended up with someone who is nice and who shares my values. I would never view our relationship as a duty, though. I chose him because I loved him and we have shared goals - even if perhaps what I feel isn't as intense as in the past. it was a free choice and I would not go running to my ex if I had a month to live! Aso, wild horses could not drag this admission out of me IRL, and I'd never ever say this to DP.

So I would talk to him - is it that he's comparing types of love, which I could possibly live with, or is it that your relationship really is fulfilling a duty, which I could not live with. You deserve to be with someone who really wants to be with you.

There are some considered posts on this thread and there are also some very emotional and frankly ridiculous ones such as who your DH would rescue first from a burning building and suggesting your DH's longterm plan is to return to his first love once the children reach the age of 18.

Not withstanding the fact that this woman is no longer the woman he fell in love with, and the fact that she married someone else and has her own family, it is ridiculous to say what he might and might not do. I would urge you not to let these sort of posts play on your mind OP.

It is all well for people to advise you to 'dump' your husband and in a matter of days, they will forget all about this thread and you. Meanwhile you might find that the grass is not greener, that the shared life you have with you DH was enough, that the family home you had that offered stability to your children was favourable to being a single mum. People telling you to find 'true love' may well believe that but have you read the hundreds of posts from single mums who are online dating and the horror stories attached. You might find a man where sparks fly and sex is great. You will probably be lucky to find a 'normal' guy you like enough to settle down with. You have that already. Your DH has that already too.

@Ishallgototheball I disagree strongly with your analysis. Why not ask someone for the truth in your relationship? I think the OP kind of knew the truth and that's why she pushed and pushed.

The OP does not say anywhere that her husband has ever been romantic or emotionally open. So, given that, how is she to know what he thinks unless he asks?

I agree he is to be given credit for being honest in this situation.

I don't agree it's better not to ask men questions, I would rather know.

Once I was going out with someone for a couple of years and they all of a sudden started appearing shaky/evasive. They thought we might need time apart but couldn't say why. I wanted an explanation after two years and told them I would stand outside their office every day waiting to see them, a crap phone call without an explanation wasn't enough. Knowing I would do this, he told the truth: I'm in love with you but also someone else (an ex). Fine. I left him immediately. I'm never going to be someone's second choice, or duel it out for some guy that isn't sure. I'd rather be alone, parent alone and have them parent as a separate father. It's about giving people an honest and genuine choice, not one based on not asking question and not looking at the truth.

I think a lot of these duty answers supporting the husband come from some upper class notion of marriage which is fine but let's not forget there was usually a mistress or 'manstress' involved somewhere, too and separate beds so hardly applies to the majority of us...

I don't think the OP should leave by the way. Everyone's situation is different. I have 2 good friends, both have chosen to stay with their rubbish (in different) ways husbands. Both are quite frank- they would be poor as single parents without great careers and don't want logistically or financially to struggle in the latter parts of their lives with teens/older age. Both have wealthier partners. There is residual affection from having been together a long time. I think it's fine to make pragmatic decisions, but asking yourself to live unauthentically and in major denial takes it toll, both my friends had breakdowns at one point or another due to the marriage strain/problems.

Making this into a sensible decision that works for you and your family is fine. I don't think breaking up immediately is the right thing to do, take time, and do talk to him, it may be in the heat of the moment he said something he regrets himself and doesn't fully reflect his position.

I think you need time to process and digest. Maybe talk to someone external.

I’m late to this thread but

I would find your closet friend and tell her or him everything a true friend will hide the bodies for you.

I hope you do have that kind of friend as this will eat you up whilst he is away. More so because he won’t discuss it now it’s all done and dusted to him.

yes you pushed and have owned that but by Christ what he said was brutal and he should of walked away before it got to that point.

only you can decide what you’re going to do now no one else but find a close pal to spill to or even a therapist as this is now an open wound you’ll want to pick at.

Well your update changes things considerably OP. You wanted to get married and have kids, he wanted residency - it was a pragmatic match that you want to turn into romance of the century. It sounds like you’ve both got what you wanted from it.

It doesn’t change the fact, though, that he didn’t love his ex enough to stay.

I strongly suspect that, had he stayed, he would be pining for his dream life in the U.K. he gave up for her.

Well your update changes things considerably OP. You wanted to get married and have kids, he wanted residency - it was a pragmatic match that you want to turn into romance of the century. It sounds like you’ve both got what you wanted from it.

I imagine OP wanted what most people want in a life partner- a partner who's really into you. Marriage is a ceremony that for a lot of people is seen as confirmation of that.

That won't have been as clear cut at the time, as op will have known he also benefitted from the opportunity to obtain legal residency/nationality. Most of us when we marry aren't thinking about ulterior motives. Maybe it's a bit like being rich - do they love you or your money ... or a bit of both.

I would guess op always knew that it was possible he chose her pragmatically, deep down, but as he stayed beyond the passport, she felt reassured.

He has built a life with her, had kids with her, built a business to help support his family, is a good father, stayed with her. In its own way that is admirable.

@Jensajenning irrespective of MN comments just take time to reflect and consider what you want to do, no doubt he may do the same.
Yes you pushed & he responded that’s what happens in a disagreement or discussion.
What you need to grapple with with us whether you can accept this, him but also yourself. You have time and space to do that.
IMO you shouldn’t be embarrassed it’s happened just keep moving forward the person looking back at you in the mirror is the one who counts & will hold you up

Well that’s the ideal, but many women in mid 30s have choices to make: do they keep holding out for Mr Darcy and risk not having kids, or do they settle for Colin accounts, or the illegal immigrant who wants a visa.

He has built a life with her, had kids with her, built a business to help support his family, is a good father, stayed with her. In its own way that is admirable.

Exactly. Many good relationships are founded on practical considerations. There’s nothing wrong with that.

I’ve seen so-called “soul mate” type relationships - grand passion, masses in common, finished each other’s sentences founder when more pragmatic matches continued strongly and happily.

OP, this is a load of shite. If you are going to ignore any post on here, ignore this one. Some people are just here to tear others down, don't let it get to you.

@Ishallgototheball thanks for illustrating my point about being melodramatic 😂

She grilled her husband about the meaning behind his words, so you've called her despicable and laid all the blame on her for finding out how her husband felt about her. Now you're drawing some bizarre comparison to water boarding.

Have you considered writing novels for a living? 😂

@MisschiefMaker its incredibly offensive to use a mental health condition as a slur.