That I’m not DH “true love”

[Jensajenning]

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

@Zitouna @ThroughGraceAlone @Matronic6 thank you for such lovely answers and your understanding and other posters too - I’m afraid the thread got away with me and it’s hard to keep track but I am reading through .

My thoughts are still just as confused as they were , I don’t think I’ve really processed anything but I hope now I have the time too I will . We didn’t speak before he left past the basics of travel arrangements and kids etc .

The kids will stay in touch religiously as will he with DS here . We never talk much while he’s away past touching base about home , kids and such so I know I have the space now to work through what I feel and how I see things going .

I’ve read enough of these kind of threads to know people like to hear exactly what the OP plans or that they will be in touch with a solicitor … but I can’t . I feel like my foundations have been shook , by my own doing I know but still I need to ride these after shocks out .

I have read none of the other advice here just your first post. You have teo options, you carry on regardless (if he wants to) or you think about separation. There's nothing else as it's so black and white.

@Jensajenning Wishing you peace my lovely. Look after and take good care of yourself. 🌻

Also my experience is similar to yours as my husband is also from overseas and the woman he had a fling with was from his home country. He said that during the separation he came to recognise that ‘his place in the world was with me and our child’ so I think there were a few issues he was working through (as per the poster who talked about the trauma of leaving one’s home country). He was also having a bit of a professional crisis too. Yes he handled it really badly hence the need to separate, but this is not unusual of men - especially those who come from countries where the typical upbringing for boys wasn’t to talk about their emotions etc.

He got to have had a practical mindset to have left the woman he loved, not to mention his family and friends.
He needed a practical mindset to marry someone to stay in the country he wanted to stay in.
He has had a practical mindset to be a “good” husband and father to date.

All those things are logical decisions and over ride his heart, yes he’s ruthless, but that is who he is and have been the basis of your life to date. It is him. The person you love.

Of course he’s had to sacrifice things for where he is now. He sees his true love regularly which doesn’t help. It’s a fantasy though, because everyone has moved on, including himself. Would he have done things differently, knowing what he knows now?

It’s a toughie op. I think the answer to my last question is key. Is he actually content with what he’s got now? We all have fantasy perfect lives but are we content with our real lives? If he’s really not, and is making do, then you might think about leaving him.

But then you need to balance that with what you get out of it too.

I left my true love. I wasn’t his true love.

I then spent four years battling my feelings because our work made our path’s cross and we’d be thrown together in the office to work on projects and that meant we were in the same hotels. Well you can guess the rest.

Eventually I realised the only way out was to change my job which was hard because I was paid very well. Six years later I met another who is now my true love and I am his.

the reality is it needs to go both ways and I can see you feel very used and cheated. Time will tell but life is not a dress rehearsal OP. Don’t stick with second best if that’s not for you.

I haven’t read the whole thread.

From the detail in your brave original post, it’s clear to me that you know you pushed and pushed and pushed him. Masochistic in your pushing.

Surely it has occurred to you that your escalation and pushing would have had a rising impact upon him as well?

For some folk to just blame him, in their wanting to support you, misses out some important adult realities.

You enticed him to speak frankly to you. You told him it would all be ok, and that your imagined version of the truth was ok: you led him to believe that he could be direct and open with you without any repercussion.
« but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage »

Can you see that in your subsequent words to him you then annoyed him further by showing how your statement above was clearly not true for you, and that there and then, live in the room, you were lying to him and trying to manipulate him.

Surely you can understand that this would have goaded him further.

By your account he still held his anger, he was not emotional, he was calm, all qualities we admire in our husbands and our men when there is a crisis or an emergency.

You wrote
« I should have left it there but I didn’t

« he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop

« it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops … »

Yet here you are wanting to know how you come back from this. You need to take control of your own mind, because how you write of your behaviour, you’re out of control. There is something other than your rational self making these decisions and implementing them in real time.

You then wrote
« He got angry in the end » and still it didn’t end there. You wrote some more, and clearly here, your intention was to hurt him.

Not satisfied with all the damage you had inflicted already, on each of you, you then focussed on wanting to hurt him, by saying
« I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now »
Can you understand that you were now attacking him?
Can you see that you told him earlier it would be safe for him to share with you, and that deception of yours encouraged him to share; but you took that sensitively shared information and used it against him.

Can you see that you then attacked someone he said he loved. No wonder he stormed out.

Your behaviour was terrible. And you know it.

« I wish I had never pushed » you wrote towards the end of your original post. You know you created an awful scenario.

And finally, you condemn him for your lack of empathy. For your lack, you condemn him:

« I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that … »

Your lack of ability to understand is not his failing, it is yours.

i know that most likely you won’t have read to the end of this post, and if you have, you’ll dismiss it.

But the most useful opinons in a matter like this, are the opinions that don’t blindly support you.

If you’d like to find a way back to peace with your husband, I strongly recommend you entertain the concept that when you think you’re completely 100% right, please be open that you might be completely wrong.

Even when you were on the warpath with your husband, he did you the honour of staying calm and telling you a truth that he knew would shrink him in your eyes.

That was real strength of character in action.

You may hate the truth that you deceived and prised out of him under duress, but your part in this process was a despicable one. Your behaviour was terrible, on the eve of you both being apart for weeks.

He deserves a full and empathic apology from you, and respect for having treated you plainly when you were storming at him. He behaved better than your behaviour deserved.

I think that I would want to know how much of this was premeditated, and how much was something he realised as time went on. If he married you just for a visa, and knew this all along, then that would be marriage ending to me. If he married you thinking that you would make each other happy, and just with time realised that some element of passion was missing compared to his past relationship, I would be much more inclined to try and make that work.

Why the fuck would he need a visa? The OP has stated repeatedly that he is from a European country ~3 hours away.

The racism on this thread is revolting.

OP said entered the country illegally and that even to visit herem his family need visas. it's an non-EU country he's from. Your temper is hair trigger. "Europe" and the European Union are not the same. Racism was never mentioned, you lunatic.

There are so many kinds of romantic love. He calls it his true love but if she had been his true love he wouldn't have left, he would have moved heaven and earth to stay. The all consuming love where they can't live without the other person is imo a little unhealthy.
My dh isn't my perfect match by any means as we married young but we know each other, we gave built a life, we make each other laugh, we accept each other. Don't devalue your marriage from dh stupid unthoughful words. I work on doing more things as a couple, find what you had in common in the beginning. When the last and flames die down you want companship, faithfulness and enduring love

I think the idea of "true love" is a false thing. I am sure that we can all pull up names from our past that we thought were our "true loves". I have the situation now where I am in touch with what was a "true love" many many years ago and he is nothing like the person he was then and I guess nor am I. We would clash horribly on basic ideas and values. If we had stayed together would we be more alike? Who knows. I wonder if this is the reality @Jensajenning with your H and this woman? He stupidly did get carried away when he said those things but I do wonder if those thoughts were something that has crossed his mind before then. It probably has. Maybe he has come to accept her as " the one that got away" in his fantasy past life? It must be horrible to hear this but only you can weigh up with knowing him how much of this was the heat of the moment? It's perhaps time to consider just how happy you are in your marriage and weight everything up.

This. Wasn’t there a thread quite recently where the OP was asking whether she should marry a man she wasn’t in love with, who was very much in love with her.

I’m glad you have some space to think, I wouldn’t rush to decide anything either.

It seems that you love this man and your family life and that would be hard to disrupt right now. But I think in your heart you will struggle to come back from what he has said. In your shoes I think I would acknowledge what has been said by moving to a separate bedroom and ceasing being a 'wife' to this man. Longer term perhaps returning to work so that you have options in the future.

You might want to at least read the OP's posts as she clearly stated that he came to the UK illegally and needed to be married to her to gain residency...

This is an excellent post, thank you for taking the time to lay it all out.
I agree wholeheartedly.

I can't read all that, it's too upsetting.

You married a man from abroad and you're letting him take two of your children away ('home') without you? He's disapproving that your child might have a boyfriend? These are things to be concerned about - it's not, as someone seems to be trying to claim - racist to acknowledge there are genuine differences in culture and attitudes between people from different backgrounds.

His 'You're not my real love' crap is his version of The Script. He either has someone else or is looking. Might his parents be helping him?

OP, you need to get strong. Say nothing, find out all your rights and start planning a life that keeps you and your children together and safe. `

have your morning coffee, love, heavy night last night?

@Ishallgototheball some truth in what you say .Harsh And lacking in nuance though.I think it's a stretch to call it manipulation and coercion.
Yes he was attacked, yes he was defensive. But in my book that doesn't excuse his cruelness.
Two sides , two people taking responsibility here. The OP has owned Her part in this.
He sounds like a strong and resourceful person.Maybe He Is emotionally challenged but In my book He Also needs To Apologise.

(apologies for capITALISATION-keyboard woes )

It's a ridiculous post by someone who created her own narrative that has absolutely nothing to do with how the OP's husband views his relationship with her.

This is good advice.

So easy to say leave in the heat of the moment but it sounds like you have had a good relationship until now? This can't be brushed under the carpet but does sound like he has been a good man and it's not like he ever acted on these feelings. The problem here is what he has said in the heat of the moment, not his actual actions.

I agree DojoPhat

I have to agree, it’s a terrible post blaming the victim. Sure she goaded him but to try to say she owes him an apology is abhorrent

You know for all the bullshit here talked about duty, when it comes down to it, a person, given the choice between rescuing from a burning building the person they're with out of duty or the person they actually love will rescue the one they love.
The morally superiority of duty makes me gag. People are selfish and will save the thing they love.
Duty only goes so far.

Divorce him, OP. There's no going back from this and you know it.

She'll be rescued before you.