That I’m not DH “true love”

[Jensajenning]

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

And OP, if you do decide to leave at any point, don't give him a whiff of it before you have everything in order. Act normally until then.
You need photocopies of documents and finances etc.
I'm not saying you should leave but just be careful if you decide to especially him having the option to pack up and go abroad.
Do things quietly when he's out. See what your options are and find some support.

Im just saying this now while tensions are high and you are in a bad place emotionally.

A very well articulated and thoughtful reply.

I agree completely OP. I have no advice to give, I don't think there is a right or a wrong decision to go forward. All I can say is I completely understand how heartbroken his words have left you and I am so sorry you are going through this.

I could imagine that when he retires, he will see no reason to live in the UK and will go home. He will probably see out life in the UK as long as his children are under 18 and he has work.

Yes, I agree.
My h was from abroad as well BTW.

I only left because of emotional/psychological abuse tbh. Otherwise, I probably would have stayed.

When I see comments on Mumsnet sometimes about breaking up over petty things, I wonder how the heck there are any marriages left in the world. Nobody is perfect including ourselves. Marriage is hard work, compromising and going through shit times.

Your situation OP is not easy at all though.
It depends if you can stay and live in a relationship knowing this or not.

A wise man? He sounds bloody idiotic and lacking in any hint of emotional intelligence.

Op, you of course need to work out how you feel about this for yourself. Some people would be ok with it (according to this thread, apparently), most would not. It makes no difference how other people would cope ultimately, all that matters is what you want to do.

I would spend this month without him doing the following:

• getting counseling to talk through how you feel about this
• seeing friends and strengthening your social life
• thinking about what work you can do (i think I saw you didn't work, apologies if that's wrong)
• treating yourself to a new hair style and getting your nails done to help your self esteem

In short, spend the month caring for yourself and thinking about how your life would look without him. By the end of the month you have a few options, a) go back to normal b) separate c) adapt to a new style of relationship with him which is transactional and like housemates, using him for his money like how he has used you.

I don't know how you should proceed but in your place I would be ruling out option a.

I can't disagree more with the posters saying it's your fault for pushing for an answer.

Are the people saying that honestly saying that if their partners said what they have in their relationship isn't love, they wouldn't push for an answer?

Unless you're complete doormats or have a mutual agreement to be in a loveless marriage, I don't believe that for a second.

And the ones saying they love their partners but aren't in love with them - OP's husband hasn't even said that. He's said he doesn't love her (and never has) and stays out of duty. It's not the same thing at all and is incredibly hurtful.

In my experience, being in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you is soul destroying. I don't see how a marriage could survive that.

I'm sorry you've had such a horrible revelation OP. I hope you can find a friend or family member to talk to about it.

Brutal. Not sure there's any coming back from that.

Op. You are close to 49. Please leave and find someone who loves you.

My ex said similar to me. 9 years ago now.

Now I have "that love" and it's very different

This is awful. I wonder to if he sees his duty as only being until the DC are 18 and then he's off. I've got a friend that this will probably happen to.

In the meantime whether or not you stay with him I'd make sure I had my finances sorted.

I understand why you wanted answers. Just an observation from my own (failed) marriages - It's best not to probe men about anything, because the answers, when you get them, are never nice.

I’ve read all your comments OP, and a lot of the thread. Huge sympathy, what a horrible conversation.

I wanted to offer a perspective on your husband’s thoughts, for you to take or leave. I think there are a lot of complicated emotions tied up with leaving your country of origin, even more so when it is a country of conflict. It is a choice to leave to ‘better yourself,’ of course, but it can feel like a forced choice, like there was no other way to build a better future for yourself, and I think that can leave a feeling of underlying resentment, and a romanticised feeling of longing for what you have left behind and what life might otherwise have been but you can never have (there is a Welsh word, Hiraeth, that is untranslatable but expresses this sort of longing). I think the woman from his past is potentially caught up in this overall feeling. I can’t imagine that your husband feels this consciously or in a way that he normally expresses (particularly given the background culture you have alluded to) BUT I wonder if it is there and is very material to what he said, with the woman he spoke of at least partly representing that wider feeling.

Practically that might make no difference at all to your situation - and unless you persuaded your husband to unpack all of his feelings in therapy and share with you then you might never know! But the sort of compartmentalising you have described can be a way to deal with trauma and honestly, I think leaving a conflict ridden homeland to create a new life must be a fundamentally traumatic thing.

i don’t mean to take away from the fact that what he has said was deeply wounding to you, and this perspective might not change anything. My only practical suggestion is for you, at least, to talk to a therapist about it.

Your husband sounds like a completely selfish arsehole. How dare he decide on your behalf that you don't deserve the chance to marry someone who genuinely loves you.

He didn't 'do his duty' for your sake (even if he would like to make out that you should be eternally grateful) he did it because he couldn't have what he wanted so he decided just to get what he could (family stability) from you.

What a wanker OP. I hope you realise you deserve a thousand times better.

Let me give you an alternative perspective: in my early 20s, I met a guy that appeared to be head over heels in love with me, not to boast but he really was, I wasn't keen at first but he won me over.
He decided to end it.
I really thought it was meant to be for years.
In retrospect, he was a bit of a lazy so and so (understatement) and moved in with a woman who'd been just a fwb until his parents asked him to leave their home (still at home at 35, with no job) and he moves in with her into her established home.
What a coincidence!
She rightly susses he's used her and dumps him.
For ages I thought he was the love of my life, but where was he, eh, when I needed him? Not around for 20 years playing happy families with a poor woman he was with out of convenience.
She now-rightly-despises him.
I do too - he's tried crawling back to me. He can do one.
Assholes like him make nobody happy.

You know deep down that this is the end for you.
Stupid fecker should have kept his trap shut.

Oh yeah, he also told me when I was um-ing and aah-ing about to give him another go that he continually told her that they had a duty to stay together for the kids.

No wonder she hates him.
I would.
I'd like to meet her so we can both slag him off and have a laugh.

it can feel like a forced choice, like there was no other way to build a better future for yourself, and I think that can leave a feeling of underlying resentment, and a romanticised feeling of longing for what you have left behind and what life might otherwise have been but you can never have (there is a Welsh word, Hiraeth, that is untranslatable but expresses this sort of longing). I think the woman from his past is potentially caught up in this overall feeling. I can’t imagine that your husband feels this consciously or in a way that he normally expresses (particularly given the background culture you have alluded to

such a good post @Zitouna

I'm not sure "love" is sustainable after a few years tbh

Love is. In love isn’t.

The truth is that it should start with being head over heels in love and change into something more subdued.

But somebody never being in love with you is bound to cause resentment.

It hasn’t yet caused resentment here in the 25 years we’ve been together. But we weren’t young and naive when we met.

I'm not sure "love" is sustainable after a few years tbh

I think 'love' evolves and changes as life progresses. It's not possible to have the same 'love' a couple had when they first met - of course they can still very much fancy the pants of off eachother but the love of that first spark cannot remain constant. It's like a drug high, at some point the same usage isn't sufficient to get you to the point of euphoria you initially experienced. Similarly to post natal depression - I remember my sister vividly feeling completely detached from her baby till the fog lifted very gradually.

OK, fair enough, this sort of business arrangement marriage suits some people as long as both are on the same page and neither are in love with the other.

Won't work if one is in love with the other, though, which is usually the case.

That's rough.

I think he's probably looking at "the one who got away" with the rose-tinted specs on. I think we all have that.

Have this time apart to think, but I think some tough conversations are ahead. I think you can survive this together though. You pushed, and pushed and pushed, and didn't get the answer you wanted. But if you had a happy marriage before this conversation, you can get that back.
LOTS of people, now and going back right through history, are in marriages of convenience, comfort and ease.

I'm not sure "love" is sustainable after a few years tbh

Being madly "in love" in the OTT romantic sense might not be, but you can definitely still love someone after many years. I still do, even after 18 years together. Respect and kindness are also possible after many years and you dont say cruel things to someone you respect and care about.

To my mind, the reason he delivered that shocking ‘if I knew I had one week of life left’ statement could have been to best illustrate the missing piece of his life story. And after all, it is quite a story in itself isn’t it, if he left his beloved home country and happy family (and first love) behind to risk making a better life for them all in a country he didn’t know, as an illegal immigrant without the correct paperwork.
So it’s possible he didn’t actually mean that’s what he would actually do. He felt coerced to come up with something so it was just the old romantic version of himself he was presenting which he knew that you knew was missing and he painted it vividly, as an exaggeration because he wanted the conversation done with. Maybe he felt judged by you that you feel he isn’t emotionally open or romantic enough and wanted you to think that yes indeed, he has had his private romantic moments. I think he could well apologise when he gets back…and reframe it properly for you. I think he’s possibly a bit naive and has tied her up a bit in his attachment and longing for home and associates the heightened emotions he was feeling at leaving, with her. I hope that’s what will happen anyway.

On the other hand, the question I would still be wanting an answer to is - does she, years later, still have some romantic longing for him, or has it passed for her, has she moved on and fallen in love with her husband and current life. Because if she does, I’d be wondering if his/their vague, long term romantic plan formulated years ago in the first flush of love just as he was bravely risking leaving his home country, was to somehow come back together in later life after children. The really crushing thing he said was that he feels he has always done his duty to you. Therefore I would need to rule this possible scenario right out before I could get my head together and make decisions about how to move forward.
None of it is good. I’m sorry you are in this position OP. I hope he will communicate and you can get some answers. Best of luck.

I suggest that you separate, it can be temporarily. You can then both experience how life is without the other. My husband and I had a year apart when our child was still very young (he had a classic mid-life crisis, including a fling but nothing serious). After a few months he came to his senses and realised how much he wanted to be with me. In the meantime I realised that, despite the heartache, I would be perfectly fine on my own. In fact living apart and co-parenting was actually pretty nice - I had my own space and every other weekend all to myself! After he came back things were much more balanced in our relationship. He actively chose to be in the marriage, there was no obligation or duty expected from me - I made that very clear. And although the separation was emotionally very hard, I came back from it knowing it was survivable, and I no longer felt that I needed to try and ‘keep’ him no matter what. Being together is something we know we have chosen, not because of duty or dependency.