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Original poster

That I’m not DH “true love”

666 replies

Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 20:00

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

OP posts:
Heywhatawobderfulkindofday · 05/08/2023 08:44

@DojaPhat I'm with you.

Acourtof · 05/08/2023 08:47

It’s really harsh that he’s said that. I think a lot of people in longer marriages have companionship. I wonder how many people would choose a different path/partner if they could turn back the clock

DaisyThistle · 05/08/2023 08:48

OP I understand why you are deeply upset but you need to get angry. His attitude towards you is contemptuous and contemptible. Treating your relationship as an entirely functional social tick box exercise. I suspect he'd miss and value you deeply if you were not around just as the scales would fall from his eyes if he was with his first love 24/7 and realised she too is a human who farts and has bad moods and morning breath.

DaisyThistle · 05/08/2023 08:51

@Stravaig If you think someone who idealises and values his juvenile love over his wife of fifteen years and mother of his children is more mature emotionally than she is, you have a very novel grasp of emotional maturity.

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 05/08/2023 08:52

This is awful OP. I would be making plans to leave him so he can go back to his one true love.

jumperoozles · 05/08/2023 08:53

That’s awful. I think you need to leave because there’s no coming back from this. You can’t be someone’s second best and to be honest it sounds like he’s hoping maybe you’ll break up with him. Then he has a get out and he can still think of himself as ‘done my duty’ and she broke up with me blah blah excuses to feel better about breaking up his family.
If you leave you have a chance at genuine happiness with someone else or even the pride of being single and valuing your self worth rather than some kind of consolation prize to someone who doesn’t really love you. The idea he wouldn’t want to spend his last few months of earth with you is so sad. Can you really see yourself spending your last years with him after he said this?

heartofglass23 · 05/08/2023 08:54

Sounds like he used you to get residency. A green card bride.

Men like this should be deported imo.

fluffypinkclouds · 05/08/2023 08:56

Of course its easy for people to advise divorce when they arent in that scenario and I agree that its not a decision to be taken lightly. Its hard. Very hard.

But, you know what else is hard?- remaining in a marriage where you feel second best. Dont for one moment think that is the "easy option" because its not. This is a case of choose your hard. Years and years of feeling like you were never the one he wanted, not the one he'd choose to spend his final days with, feeling like he only married you out of a sense of duty will take its toll on your self worth and self esteem and anyone who tells you it wont because after all, "what is love?" is just lying to themselves and you. Thats exactly the answer Charles gave when he was asked about his engagement to Diana and we all know how that turned out. Of course love isnt a constant flow of wine and roses and holding hands when the sun sets, we all know that- its unrealistic and life can be a boring, tedious slog at times. However, to feel that fundamentally you were the second prize, the one who can never live up to the one he really wanted is devastating.

I am not suggesting immediate divorce, but I do think you both need to have an open, honest discussion about this where you tell him how much this hurt you and give him a chance to explain why he said that and elaborate more fully. Then, its up to you to decide if this is something you can live with going forward.

cheezncrackers · 05/08/2023 08:58

It's interesting that you refuse to acknowledge that your DH almost certainly married you to make his status legal. He's admitted that your marriage is, for him, one of convenience and you know he was here illegally until you married him, yet you refuse to discuss the most obvious connection between those two things, which is bizarre to me.

I understand that it's painful, but I can't believe you didn't seriously consider that as a possibility before. I know you were in love with him, but you've been aware of this woman in his past all along, you've known him to be an emotionally distant and not particularly loving partner, and yet you've never put two and two together.

You have a month apart now and I suggest you do some soul-searching and think long and hard about how you want to proceed, now that he's spelt the situation out for you. He used you for permanent residency in the UK. You had a family. He stayed with you to raise your DC. The situation suited him because his status here was secure and he could focus on his business interests. It's brutal the way he told you, but I suspect somewhere in the back of your mind, you always had your doubts, because otherwise why push him on it?

SadieOlsen · 05/08/2023 08:58

DojaPhat · 05/08/2023 08:41

How many women are there like this out there?

Many. Love in that burning desire, soulmates forever way does not pay bills or keep food on the table. Stability and pragmatism does. I would not advise my daughters to marry a man because she's 'in love' with him.

Honestly, thank you for answering. I didn't really didn't know this.

UWOT1 · 05/08/2023 09:06

In all honesty,I don't believe in soul mates or true love. I had a first love. Who was not my first boyfriend. I have loved a few men in my life actually all who I felt very differently for. I've been with my husband for 14 years. I do love him. I will always love him because he is the father of my kids. Our lives are very entwined in a way I haven't been with anyone else. I'm not sure if this is a blessing or a curse 🤔 😆 some days.

I think the most hurtful thing is that he would leave and go to her in his final moments.

Blossomtoes · 05/08/2023 09:08

DojaPhat · 05/08/2023 08:41

How many women are there like this out there?

Many. Love in that burning desire, soulmates forever way does not pay bills or keep food on the table. Stability and pragmatism does. I would not advise my daughters to marry a man because she's 'in love' with him.

This. We celebrate our silver wedding in a couple of years. I married my bloke without even a hint of burning passion. He’s intelligent, kind, warm, generous, totally reliable and dependable, solvent and he absolutely adores me. I love him dearly but I was never “in love”.

Saschka · 05/08/2023 09:11

OP, it really does sound like he is saying he married you for a visa, then you fell pregnant and he was “stuck” with you, but you should be grateful that he has stayed with you out of duty. This is terrible, and I don’t know many women who could overlook being told her husband was only staying with her for the sake of the kids.

The comments about the difference between “true love” and “companionate love” really need to be directed at OP’s husband, not her. He is the one saying he is in “true love” with his ex, and would be off like a shot if he didn’t feel trapped by OP and his responsibilities.

There’s nothing wrong with feeling companionship instead of fireworks, there is plenty wrong with saying you feel fireworks with someone else and given the option would much prefer to be with them!

MySoCalledWife · 05/08/2023 09:13

I am sorry OP, what a hurtful and awful way to be treated

personally I would never stay with someone who would feel this way about me, and who would treat me with such contempt/lack of care

do you want to live with him knowing how he really feels about you?

Oatycookies · 05/08/2023 09:13

cheezncrackers · 05/08/2023 08:58

It's interesting that you refuse to acknowledge that your DH almost certainly married you to make his status legal. He's admitted that your marriage is, for him, one of convenience and you know he was here illegally until you married him, yet you refuse to discuss the most obvious connection between those two things, which is bizarre to me.

I understand that it's painful, but I can't believe you didn't seriously consider that as a possibility before. I know you were in love with him, but you've been aware of this woman in his past all along, you've known him to be an emotionally distant and not particularly loving partner, and yet you've never put two and two together.

You have a month apart now and I suggest you do some soul-searching and think long and hard about how you want to proceed, now that he's spelt the situation out for you. He used you for permanent residency in the UK. You had a family. He stayed with you to raise your DC. The situation suited him because his status here was secure and he could focus on his business interests. It's brutal the way he told you, but I suspect somewhere in the back of your mind, you always had your doubts, because otherwise why push him on it?

OP said this “I met DH when he’d been over here about a year , have I considered like some posters have said that he married me for a passport- I’m not dumb of course when we first met I did . That was lost and forgotten along the way of building our family.”

So it is something she has considered - at least at the beginning .

realitytransurfing · 05/08/2023 09:16

There’s nothing wrong with feeling companionship instead of fireworks, there is plenty wrong with saying you feel fireworks with someone else and given the option would much prefer to be with them!

Exactly. All the people saying they love their husbands but arent in love with them- are you telling your husband this and are you telling him that there is someone in your past who you are in love with and that you'd choose in a heartbeat to be with if the world was ending? thats the difference. Its little comfort to the OP to tell her your marriage is fine without love when he is actively telling her there is someone else he IS in love with is it???

Blossomtoes · 05/08/2023 09:19

He’s not in love with anything except rose tinted nostalgia. He only thinks he wants this other woman because he can’t have her.

Ohpleeeease · 05/08/2023 09:21

OP I really don’t want to add to your troubles but at 41 he is saying he’s compartmentalised you out of his romantic life. That does not bode well for the future. Can you really see him (or indeed you) resigned to another 40+ years of dutiful companionship?

I’m not surprised you feel shaken. In your shoes I would be taking a look at the road ahead and mapping out a future I deserved, instead of one that had been assigned to me.

heartofglass23 · 05/08/2023 09:22

He'll leave once the youngest is out of school.

So the op's choice is leave now or be dumped later.

DoubleTime · 05/08/2023 09:25

Very hurtful. The bit I really don't get is - why is he not speaking to you?

Saschka · 05/08/2023 09:30

heartofglass23 · 05/08/2023 09:22

He'll leave once the youngest is out of school.

So the op's choice is leave now or be dumped later.

I would worry about this too. OP, I might have misinterpreted this but it sounds like you are a SAHP, so he can focus on his business?

You’ll be late 50s when your youngest leaves home. If he is self-employed and you don’t have an income or a pension etc yourself, make sure you are financially secure.

Breaking up now would be much better than being dumped aged 57 with no job prospects, just a state pension to fall back on.

sunshinesupermum · 05/08/2023 09:33

I'm so sorry Jensajenning I understand how you feel about your husband's compartmentalising his life. My ex did the same. I don't know how old you are but you deserve better, someone who does genuinely love you and puts you above his 'lost love'. 😢

Sittingonasale · 05/08/2023 09:34

How very hurtful and confusing for you OP. I really do feel for you.
My husband was similar but I'll admit that I've never found a 'true love' and I don't think I was his either. We also had 3 children. He did have a good job, always took care of us materially but sadly, there were never any romantic things after the initial dating.
It was just that though. He became quite mean and I left when our children were young after 8 years.

We never talked about it but I think we both knew it wasn't true love. Him being mean also made me unlove him even more.

I'm 43 and sorry to say I don't think I've ever been truely 'in love'. I've had plenty if relationships before I got married, even got engaged once or twice. Now I've been on my own 8 years (no flirting/dating - zilch!) but I'm relatively happy and much prefer it to having someone around I just tolerate because they are father or husband. I don't need to meet expectations, I don't need to have sex because I feel its my 'duty' and I don't get any dirty looks or complaints when I cook the sane meal twice in two weeks.

ittakes2 · 05/08/2023 09:36

This is not directly comparable as you have built a life with this man...but my first proper boyfriend had a female pen friend who he stayed in regular contact with while we were at uni. He was saving up for this special end of uni trip - and I completely depleted my savings throughout the year paying for both of us so he could save. At the end of the year when he was ready to take off for this trip he confessed the trip was to see his pen friend and that he had always intended to be with her. So he was basically just killing time with me (and sponging off me). A month into seeing her he realised that his image and fantasy of their relationship was just that and he didn't like being with her and begged me to take him back (which I didn't obviously).
I think you might need to tell your husband if he wants to be with this woman he should go to her - reality is not the same as fantasy. If it was me I might find a way to ask this woman if she feels the same about your husband.
What has happened to you is shit - but it will eat away at your confidence if you try and paper over the cracks and the reality is his fantasy may just be that and you would both be letting his fantasy affect your happiness.

Libelula21 · 05/08/2023 09:41

What an upsetting conversation, OP.
One thing I would suggest is to bear in mind that the feels he expressed were maybe transient - he was packing to go home, the country of his youth, switching into a different mentality and temporarily leaving his real life here behind.
We all have nostalgic / melancholic moments but sometimes they really are just passing moods.
But I think maybe the two of you need to talk some more. He should give you the love and validation you absolutely deserve.